Day 8

I'm sorry to be reporting that my 10 day streak of staying 'clean' that I gave in today.  It was just a small binge, but I'm disappointed that I purged afterward.  I'm not really sure where the urge came from, on my home to feed my cat, I had a really strong craving for the left-over gingerbread at home. I popped a mint, and thought about how I would be letting myself down if I gave in.  When I got home, the urge was stronger, and as much as I wanted to just have some gum, or throw the gingerbread away, or just leave, I let the eating disorder win and had a little bit.  Oh well.  I guess this happens.  So I think I'm just going to look on the positive side, and reflect on the other successes I've had since I started.

Not sure that I have any successes to write about tonight, the day was pretty long and boring, not much to comment on.  I was asked to think about why I am resisting certain foods.  Last week, I had been told that if we have toast with breakfast, then it needs to have a spread (peanut butter, butter, cream cheese or cheez whiz, none of which I want).  I may have told this part of the story already.  As much as I argued that it's not okay to promote eating butter, or processed plastic cheese, they didn't want to hear it.  So I chose not to have toast with breakfast, and was told I would be challenged on this.  So this week, while planning menus for next week, I chose again to have oatmeal rather than toast.  And of course, I was told today that I needed to think about why I don't want a spread with toast.  They didn't like that i was resisting the food too much, and need to think about what's going on underneath that.  Again, I think it is because I just don't want to eat that.  I like peanut butter, but am nervous to eat it right now, because it has typically been a trigger for me.  Cream cheese and cheez whiz are disgusting, so I don't want those, and I don't believe that butter is part of a healthy diet, and don't want to eat it.  I was told that part of being of the program is making sacrifices.

I also got in trouble for my 'substance use' over the weekend (as in drinking a few glasses of wine).  I guess drinking is frowned upon because it might interfere with my ability to think and take part in the therapy.  I could see if I were coming to program drunk, then that would be a problem, but I don't think some wine once in awhile could really hurt my progress.  Nazis in that place, I tell ya!