What a long day! Started with check-in group, to discuss how things went over the weekend. Immediately felt like I was out of place, and didn't belong there. I recognized E.D. thoughts kicking in as I scanned the room and the other girls there. "You're the fattest one here"...."You don't belong here, you're not sick like those girls"....."Did I really make the right decision to be here?" After voicing my concern that I don't belong, one of the girls said that doctors, counsellors and caseworkers had agreed to admit me, so I should be there, and will benefit from the therapy sessions, if nothing else. After a quick weigh-in, it seemed like all we did was eat and talk. The meals were not excessively large, but my stomach was so full and bloated from eating every two and a half hours. The food was okay, but I'm not sure how long it will take to get used to eating so often. At lunch time, I caught myself scanning the room again, comparing how much food I had and how much the other girls were eating. Noting that these were just more E.D. thoughts, I focused on trying to eat in the alloted time so as to avoid having to drink an Ensure shake if I didn't finish.
Overall, I think the day went well; I am anticipating struggles with the nutrion guidelines, as they are strict and food choices are limited. I am also considering surrendering my exercise while I am attending the program, but this makes me quite worried. I have gone for a week without exercise without gaining too much weight, but I am concerned that stopping exercise in addition to the structured eating might be disastrous. With the long days in program, I am not sure that I want to get up so early to work out, or go for a run at the end of the day. I guess for now I will just be gentle with myself, and try not to force myself to do it if I don't have the energy.
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