I had a hard time being present today in program. I was exhausted and had a migraine, so it was difficult to focus. We talked about self responsibility in the Goal Setting group, and filled out a worksheet. I was pretty tired, so I just quickly filled out the answers, and didn't think much about it. As we reconvened in the meeting room, I read over my answers and noticed the strong perfectionism and conditional happiness in my thoughts about self responsibility. Normally, I like to be independent, and take care of myself, but things have gotten so stressful over the last few years that completing those tasks for myself just seemed overwhelming. I just don't have the energy to accomplish those tasks, and the thought of it makes me want to check out and just be with my eating disorder. But I enjoyed and miss those days that I did have the energy and interest in doing those things. As far as goals go, I noticed that I wrote about how my happiness was contingent on achieving (sometimes unrealistic) goals that I had set for myself. One of the girls in the group said that if happiness is always something in the future, then I will never have it in the presence. Wow, what an amazing statement. I have to stop waiting until I lose weight, or until I look a certain way to enjoy my life. I need to learn how to be present in every moment I live now. Happiness doesn't come from the end of the journey, it is that pathway that we must draw happiness from. I know I have to stop letting my self-worth be completely dependent on the numbers of a scale. But how.....
I had a struggle at the afternoon snack. I ordered nuts again, and there were 59 of them in the bowl!! I looked up the calorie count and it was 413 cals. And so many grams of fat! I was told off by one of the therapists for commenting on portion sizes to another girl. I put a small amount of almonds in my hand and said "This is a serving" and apparently that is not allowed. Because it might be triggering for other girls. Well, obviously it's triggering me, or I wouldn't be freakin' out about eating almonds! She said that I can talk about portion sizes with my dietician, but that would be useless. She doesn't listen to anything I say anyway. Which made it difficult to contribute to the nutrition processing session after lunch. We did talk about the difference between having an appetite for something, or craving something, which was really interesting. Then we talked about how a craving differs in people with eating disorders and people without. We came to the conclusion that a "normal" person would crave something, eat it, and enjoy it, and move along. Whereas with an eating disorder, the craving takes over everything. You can't think about anything else because of how badly you are craving. You will go out of your way to get that, you'll use coupons or spend money you don't have just to get it. Part of the disorder will tell you you are too fat, and you don't need it, which makes you want it even more. You can't stop thinking about it until you get it and eat it, and then you feel like shit about yourself, because you're weak, and fat, and don't deserve to enjoy stuff like that.
One of the girls who restricts talked about how she felt when she would go without eating, which was really interesting to hear. I haven't experienced anorexic starvation, so it was interesting to hear what the other spectrum is like. I did find a bit triggering, because I was enjoying hearing what she said. I was having body image issues while in the group because I had gone over to the mall on the morning break, and was looking at clothes. The rest of the day was alright; the checkout sessions have been emotional for me, this is the second time since Monday that I've nearly cried in check-out, so maybe I need to check in with my emotions. I don't know exactly how I'm feeling about this program, so it is causing a lot of anxiety.
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