Day 2

Not so impressed with today.  We started out with 'healing arts', which was basically drawing pictures and colouring for an hour and a half.  Really? I guess this would be a great activity for someone who is artistic, but I am definitely not.  Then at AM snack, I didn't finish eating a huge bowl of raw veggies (which I am quite sure is more than 2 servings worth) in 20 minutes, so had to drink half an Ensure.  Seriously?  I understand why they have this rule, but I'm not underweight, so it really makes no sense.  I know I am not missing out on nutrients by not eating 3 grape tomatoes and 5 pieces of broccoli.  Then I had to talk with the counsellor about "what was going on, how was I feeling about this", because apparently the serving was fine, and that a normal person cold eat that in 20 minutes, and that I was eating too slowly, and taking bites that were too small.  What was going on?  how was I feeling?  Full!  That's all!  And as much as I argued, they didn't want to hear why I thought it has been way too much food lately.  And if I had completely refused to have the shake, I would have been sent home.  Then at lunch, I was told to finish off the salad dressing, even though I had finished the carrots it was supposed to go with.  A spoonful of salad dressing is not a pleasant way of completing a meal.

The psychotherapy group went well; listening to one others speak about how they feel was enlightening.  The take-home message was "although you know how to be by yourself, it is important to know how to be with yourself".  I learned that I am not the only person who self-sabotages when it comes to sticking to an intention we had set for ourselves; whether it is setting boundaries with people, abstaining from alcohol, or not giving in to the urge to binge, it seems this is a common problem.

PM snack was a baked goodie, a Rice Krispie square with a s'more in the middle, with peanut and chocolate on it.  I got thinking that I should have told the dietician that I was lactose-intolerant, gluten-sensitive, and allergic to peanuts, so that I wouldn't have had to eat all of the bread, peanut butter and milk I had today.  It was quite anxiety-provoking to have to eat the snack, so I went and walked the stairs for awhile.  I' m not sure that exercise is permitted during program hours, and exercising right after eating a trigger food is pretty much purging, so I don't think they'd be too pleased with me over that.  I wanted to exercise after the program was over, but I am worried that going home to do anything could be triggering.

I feel like today I got upset and frustrated over little things, and I realize now that it is because this program is making me uncomfortable.  It is attacking the defence mechanisms, and things I like to avoid and not deal with, so of course I am getting defensive and fighting against the rules of the program.  I need to be willing to trust in the program- I waited a long time to get there, it would be unfortunate to not get anything out of it or to be sent home early.  So as much as I want to be stubborn, I know I have to let down my walls so that healing on the inside can take place.
M