Back to program after the long weekend. The weekend went really well, I think, so I wasn't too concerned about the weigh-in. Until I got on the scale and saw that I was only down 0.4 of a pound since last week. 0.4!! WTF!?!?! I tried not to over-eat, I haven't binged, I exercised and everything and that's it?? I don't think going to the gym at 5 is such a crazy idea after all now after that. Fortunately for me, since I am not in weight restoration, I won't have to get weighed anymore, but I am in a state of distress over the lack of weight loss. Apparently I have lost weight since I started 3 weeks ago, but probably not much more than a pound. I'm pretty upset about this. I knew the food we have to eat isn't healthy. If it was, I should have lost a lot more than less than half a pound. Ugh.
We lost one of the girls today; she didn't make her weight, so was told to leave. Pretty stupid, I think. She's here to get help, and then because she didn't gain enough weight, she has to leave. So where is she supposed to get help? Since there is no other help in the city? This program is so ridiculous. I hate it. I'm so glad I only have 5 more weeks left. I don't know if I could take 12 weeks of their bullshit.
In the nutrition planning group, we had to do some role-playing of a situation we might encounter outside of the program. So we acted out a scene in the grocery store where I was shopping for healthy stuff, while my eating disorder (played by another girl) criticized and analyzed everything I picked up, and got louder and meaner, until I high-tailed it out of there. I was using a chair as the grocery cart, and I was rushing so much at the end that some of the items fell off and spilled. It was really funny, but I guess at the same time it wasn't, because we had acted out our reality of what it is like to go to the grocery store. This voice in the back of your head that tells you "Don't get that, look how much fat is in that", "Don't buy that, it's not healthy", "Put back that bread, fatty, what do you think you are doing?" and finally "Fuck all this healthy stuff, let's go get some chips, and M&Ms, and cookies, and pop, and then you don't need to eat tomorrow if you eat it all today". We laughed, but really, it's not that funny I guess.
I also got picked for the baking class tomorrow. I have to bake (and eat) an apple crisp. Anyone who knows me well is probably howling with laughter just reading this. I HATE apples, in any form, and in baked form is even worse. I am horrified, and disgusted at the thought of having to eat this tomorrow. I would gladly drink two bottles of Ensure to get out of eating this dessert tomorrow. It's so ironic that in a program that is designed to challenge my food issues, I would pick the one dessert that I completely despise, and gag just thinking about. I was going to ask to pick something different, but I thought that would be useless, because they know that apples are a challenge for me. I've eaten two since the start of the program, and I still don't really like them, but now I have to add sugar, and flour and butter to it?!?! What are these people trying to do to me? (I know how much I am catastrophizing this, but I am really freakin out. I couldn't even focus in the relationships group today because I had so much anxiety about baking tomorrow). Wish me luck!!
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