Day 17

Today wasn't too bad, especially compared to yesterday.  I had an english muffin with peanut butter, and it was okay.  I was worried about enjoy the flavour of it, so tried to just take my mind away from it.  Goal setting group was good; my goal for the week is to acknowledge and talk through uncomfortable feelings in the groups at least twice over the next week.  Following from my resistance to fully open up, I think this is a good goal to set.  I don't have a problem talking openly with friends and family, but I think that I am not quite trusting the staff enough to provide the support and understanding that I want.

In nutrition education, we learned about mindfulness-based eating.  I have done a little bit of research into the mindfulness-based eating awareness training program, but am not fully versed in what it entails.  Basically, it is being present while you eat, and really experience the meal with all of your senses.  So after discussing this, we had to do an activity revolving around experiencing different foods.  We were given a try of different foods, that we were to touch, taste, smell and experience.  There were things like vanilla extract, cinnamon, and lemon, but also cookies, chips, pop and marshmallows.  I had a small taste of the cookie and chips, but was too nervous to try anything else.  I could hear the battle going on inside my head - "Eat the cookie" "No, don't eat the cookie" "But I want it" "NO!!" Really not sure which voice was mine and which was the eating disorder, but it made me very nervous to have even tried the cookie.  I would really like to find a way to dull my taste buds so that food will no longer be tasty or enjoyable.  Too risky at this point.

I was feeling really full at the end of the night, we had to have pizza, so for whatever reason we are given one and a half mini pizzas.  Plus salad and milk.  Too much.  That plus the wrap at lunch, and english muffin at breakfast - waaaay too much bread products today.  So I went to the gym after program.  Not so much to burn the calories, but to get in shape again.  It was a good workout, but it is frustrating having to go so late.  I like to workout in the morning, but I would have to get to the gym at 5 for it to work out.  Mmm, I don't think so.  I can't wait til the weeks that I am on transition and don't have to be in the program for the full day.  Then I will have time to get stuff done and work out, and all that stuff.  I'm about halfway right now, so only two more weeks til transition, and four weeks til I'm done.  Can't wait!