Today was long. And frustrating. And emotional. I am still really struggling with the nutrition part, what they are offering is not really what I feel is healthy food. So I'm really butting heads with the dietician, I know that I have to make a sacrifice for the five weeks I have left and just eat the food they are providing. But it's making me very anxious. I weighed myself today, 144.9lbs, not sure if that is up or down or the same. But I feel really fat. I worked out this morning, so that made me feel better.
The last group of the day was Emotional and Physical relationships, where we talked about relationships with mothers. I have to say that it was nice being able to speak about how I was happy with my relationship with my mom. I think Mum and I really worked things out over Christmas, and I am very happy to have a strong, supportive, communicative relationship with my Mum. I had always been reluctant to confide in my mother, but the last few months our relationship really grew. It made me sad to think that it took my sister passing away to feel like Mum and I could finally have the relationship that I've wanted. I got upset about that during checkout, and I almost cried in front of the group.
I realized that Tony would be out for the evening, so I went to the mall after program to engage in some retail therapy. I don't really have much money, so really can't afford to shop. I don't know if it cheered me up. I went into one of my favorite stores and tried on some clothes. I don't know why I even bothered; I knew it would just be upsetting and triggering for me. But, I've chosen to challenge this little bit of "me-time", and not listen to my eating disorder tonight. And actually, it really hasn't been loud tonight. I have decided to have a nice, relaxing bubble bath instead of engaging behaviors. The tub's all hot and ready, so I'm out!
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