Day 16

Just finished preparing the apple crisp for the afternoon snack.  It's in the oven, and I am just dreading having to eat it.  I had to have a conversation with the diet tech before making it, because I am having some "very strong emotions" around this stupid dessert.  They keep telling me not to let it have so much power over me, but that's not what it is.  I just don't want to eat it.  It might as well be crawling with maggots, that's how disgusted I am about having to eat it.  Preparing it wasn't too bad, the apples didn't smell too bad, so it wasn't too awful to have to cut them all up.  But then dousing it with sugar and flour and butter.  Yuck!  I really, really don't want to eat this snack.  To the point where I just want to leave right now.  I could totally just grab my stuff and go right now, but then I know I will be in trouble, so I can't do that.  They tell me that maybe I do something different - as in react differently, or think differently going in.  No thank you, I have no interest in that.  I would rather just not eat it.  Since when does baking have to be part of normal life?  I don't remember reading that in the ten commandments - Thou shall eat baked goods and enjoy them.  Yeah, I don't think so.  Baking does NOT have to be a part of my life.  Last time I checked, seeking pleasure from food got me into this whole goddamn mess, so the last thing I want to do is be forced to eat stuff and enjoy it that I would really rather not eat.  Eating baked goods isn't an evolutionary adaptation that benefits us in any way.  There are no health benefits of eating white flour or sugar or butter.  At least the apples are healthy, and there are some blueberries and pecans in it, but the thought of baked apples grosses me out.