Today went by pretty well. Thursdays are usually long days, but today didn't seem so bad. Maybe because we have Friday off, it felt more like a Friday than a Thursday. We didn't do too much in Managing Strong Emotions; talked a bit more about DBT, but didn't really learn anything new. The rest of the time was spent doing weekend planning. I made up my meal plan for the weekend, and then will plan around that. In psychotherapy, we had the same facilitators as on Tuesday, and it was so much better. They are just more gentle and understanding than the usual therapist. We discussed difficult emotions, and how scary it is to go back into the "real" world after program. This has been sort of an escape, and while we may have changed while in the program, we can't control what happens outside of program, and things we were trying to avoid before will probably still be there. And I'm not sure if I have the skills yet to deal with those issues. Not even issues, really, but feelings. Grief, anxiety, those feelings that the eating disorder was very good at covering up. I realized that I had shrunk my comfort zone to be this toxic place where one of the only things that felt good was bingeing and purging, as much as I hated doing it. So I will have to slowly rebuild my life and schedule so that those things that became so uncomfortable (social situations, school, housework, cooking, etc) will become comfortable again and part of my regular routine. I realized that I missed those days when I looked forward to taking care of myself and my home and my son; it's hard to think about how I let that slip away (or how the eating disorder took that away).
Body image was interesting today; we discussed beauty facts and myths, and the assumptions that beautiful people have it all. If I can just be beautiful the way I want, then everything will be okay. This is a hard thing to challenge. I know that looking a certain way won't change who I am, but it's so hard to let go of the thought that everything will be better when I lose weight. Especially because I have perceived that for so long. I know it is the change in confidence that people respond to, rather than the change in dress size, but it's still hard to accept. I don't really know how to be confident with myself the way that I am right now. Work in progress.
No struggles with food today, except maybe the grilled cheese sandwich at lunch. I am experimenting with removing aspartame from my diet, to see if it is dairy or diet coke that makes me break out. So we'll see how that goes.
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