Today wasn't too bad. Breakfast was the same as yesterday; oatmeal, eggs, and orange juice. We had healing arts after breakfast, music therapy this time. It was...interesting. We did some drumming, then played with maracas and drum sticks, then played on a xylophone. It was kinda fun, but definitely found my perfectionism getting in the way. I learned at checkout that I wasn't the only person there who felt that way. I struggled a bit with the afternoon snack; Tuesday is baking day, so one of the girls baked a cake. It was delicious, but I instantly thought that I should purge after eating it. We have a break right after the snack, so I could have tried, but decided not to. Purging during program hours is a good way to get kicked out, so I thought it was safer not to try. Plus, I didn't have my trusty toothbrush with me, so I didn't try.
Psychotherapy went well; one of the girls spoke about not wanting to go back to school when she finishes, and I found myself offering a solution right away, rather than thinking on a deeper level why she didn't want to go back. The therapist called me out for it, and I'm glad that she did, because it gave me a chance to reflect on that, and how I don't like it when people offer me solutions when I'm just asking for someone to listen. She has been saying in the last two sessions that it is important to know what we are expecting our listener to do before we tell them our problem, as we can't know how to support someone if they don't tell us what support they need.
Still behaviour-free, so that's great. I had some fleeting urges to binge last night, and I was able to ignore them, and just have a mint instead. But I am aware now that the eating disorder becomes very loud when we are trying to put it to rest. So I think I need to be aware of how I am feeling, and reach out for support when I need it.
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