That first post was just up until lunch, so here's the rest of the day. In psychotherapy, one of the girls spoke about relationships, and self-esteem, and how she doesn't like being emotional. Everything she said was exactly what I think all the time. She mentioned not feeling good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough to have someone who loves her for who she is, and treats her well. She keeps falling for the same guy who hurts her all the time. She doesn't like herself, so she doesn't think she's good enough for someone to treat her with respect and appreciate who she is. Wow, can I ever relate to that, except that now I've actually got a guy who treats me well, and loves me how I am, and I am questioning that. What does he see in me? Why would he be attracted to me? Is he going to realize that he can do better? Tony has been wonderful and so supportive, so I don't want to let too much "crazy" out, because that would be a huge turn-off. Isn't he going to see one day that he can do better? That he deserves more than an insecure, anxious and emotional girl who can't take care of herself?
So that discussion lead the therapist to ask us about our relationship dynamics. One of the other girls spoke about having volatile, crazy relationships with people who weren't good for her, because of the rush she got from crime or drugs. Eventually the relationships would end, either because of fights or arrests. She said that she would stay with guys that were bad for her, even when she knew it wasn't right, because she felt that if she was alone, she would engage in self-destructive behaviours. And of course, that reminded me of Amy, because that's exactly what she always did. Some discussion about where self-esteem comes from, and needing parents to 'see' you and care for you on top of that, and I was really fighting to hold the tears back. When the therapist asked me how I was feeling about all of this, I told her that I didn't want to talk about it. She said that while I'm in treatment, I have to talk about this stuff! Which I know, but it was hard. I had kind of tucked away the grief over Amy, so this session brought up a lot of sad feelings for me. Normally, I would binge and purge to get away from those feelings, but now that I can't do that, I need to learn how to feel these uncomfortable feelings. Grief, insecurity, worries over my relationship with Luc on top of the anxiety that was building over having to eat that apple crisp was too much to feel at one time, so that was difficult.
Then we had to eat. The apple crisp was so disgusting, I didn't even want to have to serve it to anyone. It was all mushy and juicy when I sliced it and dished it up. It didn't even smell good, and the blueberries had turned the apples purple. I was told to try to eat it, but I was so upset from the session that I had no appetite, especially not for something that I didn't want to eat. I cried while I was dishing it out, which was ridiculous, because who cries over serving and eating dessert? But that's not really why I was crying. I know the therapists and team members are there to support us, but I just did not feel comfortable talking about what I was feeling to anyone there. I just don't trust this program, and am really not ready to talk about how I actually feel to any of them. So I guess the hurdle I have to overcome is the fear/unwillingness to talk about and feel uncomfortable feelings. I guess I know this is just part of the treatment, but it is still hard. So anyway, I didn't eat the dessert. I had a few bites of it, but it was awful. So I had to drink some Ensure and talk about how I was feeling. I really wanted to leave, but stuck around because I knew I would get in trouble for ditching.
Before dinner, I found out another one of the girls has been sent home; not permanently, but for the rest of the week. She was starting to go back to school today, and had voiced her fear many times in sessions, but nothing seemed to help her or give her an answer to how she could feel better about having to go back to school. So over the weekend, she engaged in behaviours, she used alcohol and drugs, and over-dosed on Advil. Clearly, the girl is screaming for help. So what do they do? Take her down to emergency and try to get her admitted to mental health. Then they tell her she is being sent home on reflection for self-harming. WHAT?!?!?! So she needs help and they tell her to go home? I'm so upset at how this program is failing its patients. Apparently, if someone has suicidal thoughts or self-harms needs to be treated for the acute mental health issue, and put the eating disorder treatment on hold. She wasn't admitted to the mental health ward, because the staff there felt that she wasn't a danger to herself. So now she can't come back to program for the rest of the week, and she's terribly overwhelmed at the thought of having to go to school. She knows she can get away with doing behaviours when her dad is home, so she is feeling extremely hopeless. Her options are: go to school and be overwhelmed with anxiety, stay home alone during the day and binge/purge, or go to work with her dad because that is the only safe option. I can't believe how ridiculous this is. But it's policy-level bullshit that stops people from getting the real help they need. So at least this is a learning experience for when I open my wellness centre or private practice. I am learning everything not to do to successfully treat eating disorders or provide care when people need it.
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