Day 18

Just finished with psychotherapy, and I have to post this right now so I don't forget it.  It was a great session.  I brought up my mistrust of and reluctance to seek support from staff members, especially when it is offered to me.  I am not sure what exactly my intention was by bringing this up; whether it was to work on the trust piece, or explore the difficulty in asking for support.  Quite possibly a bit of both.  After going checking in with all of the group members about what the facilitators could do to help, the two therapists chose to "just sit".  This prompted the group members to jump in right away to take over and offer help.  This was then pointed out to us; we were asked to consider what our roles are in the absence of facilitated settings.  In real life, do we dive right in to help?  Or do we sit back and wait for our turn to speak?  Or wait for someone to call on us?  It was so interesting!  It was a little experiment created by the facilitators to challenge what we would do.  In so many of these group settings, there are facilitators who lead us in a discussion, but in psychotherapy, it is supposed to be participant-directed.  But even still, we tend to sit back and wait for them to say something, or to tell us what to do.  This makes a lot of sense that they would just sit back - if I am telling them that I don't completely trust the staff, and then ask the staff for help, how can they possibly help me?  In the words of one of the therapists "The only 'we vs them' that can exist is 'we' the staff and patients together versus the eating disorder.  If I come here to dive into the ocean of feelings, and the staff are the lifeguards, then they can't possibly help me if I am too afraid or untrusting enough to dive in."  Beautiful.  Makes so much sense.  From there, we discussed what help and support looks like to each of us.  I had mentioned about how the other day before baking that the diet tech (Sharon) had asked me "What if we do something different" about baking the apple crisp, and that I had said "I didn't know I had the option to do something different".  She didn't mean "why don't we bake something different", but "why don't we approach this in a different way?"  Which parallels with something that was brought up at the beginning of the session today.  I am afraid to ask the staff for support because I don't have complete control over what will happen.  They might force me to go to a place that I am uncomfortable with, and
I might not like that.  So it seems that for me, I want help from people only when I know they can
support me in the way that I want.  On Tuesday night, I vented to Tony, who listened and made me laugh about the situation.  Then I got online and posted on here to an anonymous audience (I generally know who is reading this, but venting on a blog is quite different from venting to a live person).  So much to think about!! Time for lunch now, I'll be back in a few hours!

I forgot to follow up with this post.  The rest of the day went well; in the building strengths session we explored things that we are ready to let go of, and how not letting go of certain things might impact recovery.  I have to admit that I was falling asleep while working on the exercise, so I didn't get as much out of it as I could have.  I'm not really sure what I am ready to let go of, but I think I need to put more time and thought into what I am not ready to let go of.  Things like ideal weight and shape, perfectionism or food rules do get in the way of a complete recovery, but I am not willing to let go of these things.  I really believe that I cannot live the healthy life I want, or achieve the ideal weight and shape without food rules.  I need those rules to get to where I want.  Eating whatever and whenever I want has given me a body that I am unhappy with, so if sacrificing sugar and bread gets me what I want, then so be it.  I have learned to live without cigarettes and cocaine, I am quite sure I can live without sugar too.

Day 17

Today wasn't too bad, especially compared to yesterday.  I had an english muffin with peanut butter, and it was okay.  I was worried about enjoy the flavour of it, so tried to just take my mind away from it.  Goal setting group was good; my goal for the week is to acknowledge and talk through uncomfortable feelings in the groups at least twice over the next week.  Following from my resistance to fully open up, I think this is a good goal to set.  I don't have a problem talking openly with friends and family, but I think that I am not quite trusting the staff enough to provide the support and understanding that I want.

In nutrition education, we learned about mindfulness-based eating.  I have done a little bit of research into the mindfulness-based eating awareness training program, but am not fully versed in what it entails.  Basically, it is being present while you eat, and really experience the meal with all of your senses.  So after discussing this, we had to do an activity revolving around experiencing different foods.  We were given a try of different foods, that we were to touch, taste, smell and experience.  There were things like vanilla extract, cinnamon, and lemon, but also cookies, chips, pop and marshmallows.  I had a small taste of the cookie and chips, but was too nervous to try anything else.  I could hear the battle going on inside my head - "Eat the cookie" "No, don't eat the cookie" "But I want it" "NO!!" Really not sure which voice was mine and which was the eating disorder, but it made me very nervous to have even tried the cookie.  I would really like to find a way to dull my taste buds so that food will no longer be tasty or enjoyable.  Too risky at this point.

I was feeling really full at the end of the night, we had to have pizza, so for whatever reason we are given one and a half mini pizzas.  Plus salad and milk.  Too much.  That plus the wrap at lunch, and english muffin at breakfast - waaaay too much bread products today.  So I went to the gym after program.  Not so much to burn the calories, but to get in shape again.  It was a good workout, but it is frustrating having to go so late.  I like to workout in the morning, but I would have to get to the gym at 5 for it to work out.  Mmm, I don't think so.  I can't wait til the weeks that I am on transition and don't have to be in the program for the full day.  Then I will have time to get stuff done and work out, and all that stuff.  I'm about halfway right now, so only two more weeks til transition, and four weeks til I'm done.  Can't wait!

Day 16, Part 2

That first post was just up until lunch, so here's the rest of the day.  In psychotherapy, one of the girls spoke about relationships, and self-esteem, and how she doesn't like being emotional.  Everything she said was exactly what I think all the time.  She mentioned not feeling good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough to have someone who loves her for who she is, and treats her well.  She keeps falling for the same guy who hurts her all the time.  She doesn't like herself, so she doesn't think she's good enough for someone to treat her with respect and appreciate who she is.  Wow, can I ever relate to that, except that now I've actually got a guy who treats me well, and loves me how I am, and I am questioning that.  What does he see in me?  Why would he be attracted to me?  Is he going to realize that he can do better?  Tony has been wonderful and so supportive, so I don't want to let too much "crazy" out, because that would be a huge turn-off.  Isn't he going to see one day that he can do better?  That he deserves more than an insecure, anxious and emotional girl who can't take care of herself?

So that discussion lead the therapist to ask us about our relationship dynamics.  One of the other girls spoke about having volatile, crazy relationships with people who weren't good for her, because of the rush she got from crime or drugs.  Eventually the relationships would end, either because of fights or arrests.  She said that she would stay with guys that were bad for her, even when she knew it wasn't right, because she felt that if she was alone, she would engage in self-destructive behaviours.  And of course, that reminded me of Amy, because that's exactly what she always did.  Some discussion about where self-esteem comes from, and needing parents to 'see' you and care for you on top of that, and I was really fighting to hold the tears back.  When the therapist asked me how I was feeling about all of this, I told her that I didn't want to talk about it.  She said that while I'm in treatment, I have to talk about this stuff!  Which I know, but it was hard.  I had kind of tucked away the grief over Amy, so this session brought up a lot of sad feelings for me.  Normally, I would binge and purge to get away from those feelings, but now that I can't do that, I need to learn how to feel these uncomfortable feelings.  Grief, insecurity, worries over my relationship with Luc on top of the anxiety that was building over having to eat that apple crisp was too much to feel at one time, so that was difficult.

Then we had to eat.  The apple crisp was so disgusting, I didn't even want to have to serve it to anyone.   It was all mushy and juicy when I sliced it and dished it up.  It didn't even smell good, and the blueberries had turned the apples purple.  I was told to try to eat it, but I was so upset from the session that I had no appetite, especially not for something that I didn't want to eat.  I cried while I was dishing it out, which was ridiculous, because who cries over serving and eating dessert?  But that's not really why I was crying.  I know the therapists and team members are there to support us, but I just did not feel comfortable talking about what I was feeling to anyone there.  I just don't trust this program, and am really not ready to talk about how I actually feel to any of them.  So I guess the hurdle I have to overcome is the fear/unwillingness to talk about and feel uncomfortable feelings.  I guess I know this is just part of the treatment, but it is still hard.  So anyway, I didn't eat the dessert.  I had a few bites of it, but it was awful.  So I had to drink some Ensure and talk about how I was feeling.  I really wanted to leave, but stuck around because I knew I would get in trouble for ditching.

Before dinner, I found out another one of the girls has been sent home; not permanently, but for the rest of the week.  She was starting to go back to school today, and had voiced her fear many times in sessions, but nothing seemed to help her or give her an answer to how she could feel better about having to go back to school.  So over the weekend, she engaged in behaviours, she used alcohol and drugs, and over-dosed on Advil.  Clearly, the girl is screaming for help.  So what do they do?  Take her down to emergency and try to get her admitted to mental health.  Then they tell her she is being sent home on reflection for self-harming.  WHAT?!?!?!  So she needs help and they tell her to go home?  I'm so upset at how this program is failing its patients.  Apparently, if someone has suicidal thoughts or self-harms needs to be treated for the acute mental health issue, and put the eating disorder treatment on hold.  She wasn't admitted to the mental health ward, because the staff there felt that she wasn't a danger to herself.  So now she can't come back to program for the rest of the week, and she's terribly overwhelmed at the thought of having to go to school.  She knows she can get away with doing behaviours when her dad is home, so she is feeling extremely hopeless.  Her options are: go to school and be overwhelmed with anxiety, stay home alone during the day and binge/purge, or go to work with her dad because that is the only safe option.  I can't believe how ridiculous this is.  But it's policy-level bullshit that stops people from getting the real help they need.  So at least this is a learning experience for when I open my wellness centre or private practice.  I am learning everything not to do to successfully treat eating disorders or provide care when people need it.

Day 16

Just finished preparing the apple crisp for the afternoon snack.  It's in the oven, and I am just dreading having to eat it.  I had to have a conversation with the diet tech before making it, because I am having some "very strong emotions" around this stupid dessert.  They keep telling me not to let it have so much power over me, but that's not what it is.  I just don't want to eat it.  It might as well be crawling with maggots, that's how disgusted I am about having to eat it.  Preparing it wasn't too bad, the apples didn't smell too bad, so it wasn't too awful to have to cut them all up.  But then dousing it with sugar and flour and butter.  Yuck!  I really, really don't want to eat this snack.  To the point where I just want to leave right now.  I could totally just grab my stuff and go right now, but then I know I will be in trouble, so I can't do that.  They tell me that maybe I do something different - as in react differently, or think differently going in.  No thank you, I have no interest in that.  I would rather just not eat it.  Since when does baking have to be part of normal life?  I don't remember reading that in the ten commandments - Thou shall eat baked goods and enjoy them.  Yeah, I don't think so.  Baking does NOT have to be a part of my life.  Last time I checked, seeking pleasure from food got me into this whole goddamn mess, so the last thing I want to do is be forced to eat stuff and enjoy it that I would really rather not eat.  Eating baked goods isn't an evolutionary adaptation that benefits us in any way.  There are no health benefits of eating white flour or sugar or butter.  At least the apples are healthy, and there are some blueberries and pecans in it, but the thought of baked apples grosses me out. 

Day 15 (Monday)

Back to program after the long weekend.  The weekend went really well, I think, so I wasn't too concerned about the weigh-in.  Until I got on the scale and saw that I was only down 0.4 of a pound since last week.  0.4!! WTF!?!?! I tried not to over-eat, I haven't binged, I exercised and everything and that's it?? I don't think going to the gym at 5 is such a crazy idea after all now after that.  Fortunately for me, since I am not in weight restoration, I won't have to get weighed anymore, but I am in a state of distress over the lack of weight loss.  Apparently I have lost weight since I started 3 weeks ago, but probably not much more than a pound.  I'm pretty upset about this.  I knew the food we have to eat isn't healthy.  If it was, I should have lost a lot more than less than half a pound.  Ugh.

We lost one of the girls today; she didn't make her weight, so was told to leave.  Pretty stupid, I think.  She's here to get help, and then because she didn't gain enough weight, she has to leave.  So where is she supposed to get help?  Since there is no other help in the city?  This program is so ridiculous.  I hate it.  I'm so glad I only have 5 more weeks left.  I don't know if I could take 12 weeks of their bullshit.

In the nutrition planning group, we had to do some role-playing of a situation we might encounter outside of the program.  So we acted out a scene in the grocery store where I was shopping for healthy stuff, while my eating disorder (played by another girl) criticized and analyzed everything I picked up, and got louder and meaner, until I high-tailed it out of there.  I was using a chair as the grocery cart, and I was rushing so much at the end that some of the items fell off and spilled.  It was really funny, but I guess at the same time it wasn't, because we had acted out our reality of what it is like to go to the grocery store.  This voice in the back of your head that tells you "Don't get that, look how much fat is in that", "Don't buy that, it's not healthy", "Put back that bread, fatty, what do you think you are doing?" and finally "Fuck all this healthy stuff, let's go get some chips, and M&Ms, and cookies, and pop, and then you don't need to eat tomorrow if you eat it all today".  We laughed, but really, it's not that funny I guess.

I also got picked for the baking class tomorrow.  I have to bake (and eat) an apple crisp.  Anyone who knows me well is probably howling with laughter just reading this.  I HATE apples, in any form, and in baked form is even worse.  I am horrified, and disgusted at the thought of having to eat this tomorrow.  I would gladly drink two bottles of Ensure to get out of eating this dessert tomorrow.  It's so ironic that in a program that is designed to challenge my food issues, I would pick the one dessert that I completely despise, and gag just thinking about.  I was going to ask to pick something different, but I thought that would be useless, because they know that apples are a challenge for me.  I've eaten two since the start of the program, and I still don't really like them, but now I have to add sugar, and flour and butter to it?!?! What are these people trying to do to me?  (I know how much I am catastrophizing this, but I am really freakin out.  I couldn't even focus in the relationships group today because I had so much anxiety about baking tomorrow).  Wish me luck!!

The Weekend

Didn't have much time to post over the weekend, it ended up being quite a bit busier than I was hoping for.  It went pretty well though food-wise, I tried to stick to my meal plan as much as I could throughout the days.  Saturday night we went out for dinner with Tony's family to an Italian restaurant.  The food was good, but I had a lot of anxiety over picking what to eat.  There was no salad with grilled chicken on the menu, and I couldn't just order the mixed greens, although that was kind of what I wanted to eat.  I did order that, but forgot to get the dressing on the side, so I didn't finish it.  The bottom of the salad was kind of soggy because of all the dressing, so it wasn't very good.  I decided to order a pizza with tomato sauce, basil, oregano and parmesan cheese.  I really just wanted to order the plain pizza without cheese, but I know that that wouldn't be enough either.  E.D. was very present at the restaurant.  I had a small piece of the pizza and some of Tony's butternut squash ravioli.  Then came dessert.  And limoncello shooters.  High, high anxiety there.  I had a little bit of each, and then covered up the dessert with my napkin before I finished it.

On Sunday, I took Luc to a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese, where again, I was faced with eating pizza and cake.  It was tough, but I got through it.  Luckily there was a veggie platter as well, so at least I could balance out the high-carb, high-fat dinner.

I went to the gym on Saturday and Sunday; it was really nice to be back there.  I really would like to start working it into my daily routine again, but the thought of getting up at 4:30 in the morning so I can get to the gym for 5am just seems ridiculous.  Priorities, right?

Friday

We had the day off today; the program staff were doing professional development.  Yay long weekend!  I was a bit nervous about having an extra day off, but I had made up a meal plan and tried to keep the weekend relatively unplanned as far as tasks go.  I usually tend to book up my weekends with hair appointments, workout sessions, social time and possibly house cleaning.  I am realizing now that being so busy contributed to my eating disorder.  I would be so overwhelmed with all the things I "had" to do, that I just avoided as much as I could so I could stay home and binge.  It made me think a lot about the session we had this week on self-responsibility.  I think what I need to do is make more time for myself, rather than putting other peoples' needs ahead of mine or Luc's.  It will be hard to do, but I think I will try not to book up my weekends with responsibilities.  Especially while I am in program it is important that I can have some time to relax and enjoy the weekend.  All work and no play makes Steff go crazy, I guess.  Especially while I am in the program I think it will be important to have time to relax on the weekend.

Today was a really good day!  I had planned to go to the gym, but slept in; so I got up and had some breakfast.  I had an appointment with Alberta Works to get some income support; apparently the university hadn't processed my withdrawal properly, so Student Aid was not contacted either, and they thought I was still an active student and receiving money.  Alberta Works won't give any money unless Student Aid is not giving me any money, so I had to send back the cheques I had received from Student Aid.  Hopefully they get them soon so that I can be approved for funding by Alberta Works.  I got mad that they weren't able to help me right away; I knew I was supposed to send the cheque back early in the month, but I wanted to hold on to it just in case Alberta Works doesn't give me money.  But they will not give any money until they know for sure that I have no money coming in.  Stupid government, they need you to have no money until they will give you some money.  Anyway, I was frustrated after the appointment, and then even more when I found out the withdrawal hadn't been processed and Student Aid hadn't been notified that I won't be cashing any cheques.  Normally in a situation where I got mad or upset by something, I would go home and binge.  I was taking Luc for lunch today, but I did have time in the afternoon.  Usually I would be planning what to eat right away, but not today.  I was annoyed, but all I did was make plans to be with a friend after I dropped Luc off, and went home to grab those cheques.  Mailed them back today, took Luc to McDonald's, then met up with a good friend for coffee.  I had no interest in bingeing or purging; I brought (healthy) snacks with me so that I wouldn't be tempted to buy junk, and it was a fantastic afternoon.  I got through the uncomfortableness of dealing with Alberta Works and Student Aid without engaging in any behaviours.  Not to be over-confident, but good for me!! That's the first time I've ever done that I think.  Or at least first time in a long time!

Day 14

Today went by pretty well.  Thursdays are usually long days, but today didn't seem so bad.  Maybe because we have Friday off, it felt more like a Friday than a Thursday.  We didn't do too much in Managing Strong Emotions; talked a bit more about DBT, but didn't really learn anything new.  The rest of the time was spent doing weekend planning.  I made up my meal plan for the weekend, and then will plan around that.  In psychotherapy, we had the same facilitators as on Tuesday, and it was so much better.  They are just more gentle and understanding than the usual therapist.  We discussed difficult emotions, and how scary it is to go back into the "real" world after program.  This has been sort of an escape, and while we may have changed while in the program, we can't control what happens outside of program, and things we were trying to avoid before will probably still be there.  And I'm not sure if I have the skills yet to deal with those issues.  Not even issues, really, but feelings.  Grief, anxiety, those feelings that the eating disorder was very good at covering up.  I realized that I had shrunk my comfort zone to be this toxic place where one of the only things that felt good was bingeing and purging, as much as I hated doing it.  So I will have to slowly rebuild my life and schedule so that those things that became so uncomfortable (social situations, school, housework, cooking, etc) will become comfortable again and part of my regular routine.  I realized that I missed those days when I looked forward to taking care of myself and my home and my son; it's hard to think about  how I let that slip away (or how the eating disorder took that away).

Body image was interesting today; we discussed beauty facts and myths, and the assumptions that beautiful people have it all.  If I can just be beautiful the way I want, then everything will be okay.  This is a hard thing to challenge.  I know that looking a certain way won't change who I am, but it's so hard to  let go of the thought that everything will be better when I lose weight.  Especially because I have perceived that for so  long.  I know it is the change in confidence that people respond to, rather than the change in dress size, but it's still hard to accept.  I don't really know how to be confident with myself the way that I am right now.  Work in progress.

No struggles with food today, except maybe the grilled cheese sandwich at lunch.  I am experimenting with removing aspartame from my diet, to see if it is dairy or diet coke that makes me break out.  So we'll see how that goes.

Day 13

I had a hard time being present today in program.  I was exhausted and had a migraine, so it was difficult to focus.  We talked about self responsibility in the Goal Setting group, and filled out a worksheet.  I was pretty tired, so I just quickly filled out the answers, and didn't think much about it.  As we reconvened in the meeting room, I read over my answers and noticed the strong perfectionism and conditional happiness in my thoughts about self responsibility.  Normally, I like to be independent, and take care of myself, but things have gotten so stressful over the last few years that completing those tasks for myself just seemed overwhelming.  I just don't have the energy to accomplish those tasks, and the thought of it makes me want to check out and just be with my eating disorder.  But I enjoyed and miss those days that I did have the energy and interest in doing those things.  As far as goals go, I noticed that I wrote about how my happiness was contingent on achieving (sometimes unrealistic) goals that I had set for myself.  One of the girls in the group said that if happiness is always something in the future, then I will never have it in the presence.  Wow, what an amazing statement.  I have to stop waiting until I lose weight, or until I look a certain way to enjoy my life.  I need to learn how to be present in every moment I live now.  Happiness doesn't come from the end of the journey, it is that pathway that we must draw happiness from.  I know I have to stop letting my self-worth be completely dependent on the numbers of a scale.  But how.....

I had a struggle at the afternoon snack.  I ordered nuts again, and there were 59 of them in the bowl!! I looked up the calorie count and it was 413 cals.  And so many grams of fat!  I was told off by one of the therapists for commenting on portion sizes to another girl.  I put a small amount of almonds in my hand and said "This is a serving" and apparently that is not allowed.  Because it might be triggering for other girls.  Well, obviously it's triggering me, or I wouldn't be freakin' out about eating almonds!  She said that I can talk about portion sizes with my dietician, but that would be useless.  She doesn't listen to anything I say anyway.  Which made it difficult to contribute to the nutrition processing session after lunch.  We did talk about the difference between having an appetite for something, or craving something, which was really interesting.  Then we talked about how a craving differs in people with eating disorders and people without.  We came to the conclusion that a "normal" person would crave something, eat it, and enjoy it, and move along.  Whereas with an eating disorder, the craving takes over everything.  You can't think about anything else because of how badly you are craving.  You will go out of your way to get that, you'll use coupons or spend money you don't have just to get it.  Part of the disorder will tell you you are too fat, and you don't need it, which makes you want it even more.  You can't stop thinking about it until you get it and eat it, and then you feel like shit about yourself, because you're weak, and fat, and don't deserve to enjoy stuff like that. 

One of the girls who restricts talked about how she felt when she would go without eating, which was really interesting to hear.  I haven't experienced anorexic starvation, so it was interesting to hear what the other spectrum is like.  I did find a bit triggering, because I was enjoying hearing what she said.  I was having body image issues while in the group because I had gone over to the mall on the morning break, and was looking at clothes.  The rest of the day was alright; the checkout sessions have been emotional for me, this is the second time since Monday that I've nearly cried in check-out, so maybe I need to check in with my emotions.  I don't know exactly how I'm feeling about this program, so it is causing a lot of anxiety.

Day 12

Today went by pretty smoothly.  I was very tired (and mildly hungover from the wine) so I really didn't have the energy to struggle with anything.  There was something at every meal and snack that could have been triggering or upsetting for me (non-whole wheat pancakes at breakfast, an apple at snack, a PB&J sandwich for lunch, cupcakes at afternoon snack, and two pieces of toast with two butters at dinner) but I didn't really care.  I didn't feel the urge to purge after eating the cupcake, and I was not as upset about 100% completion for the toast and butter with dinner.  I don't like that we had to eat it, but I'm not gonna complain about it.

I spoke about my struggle last night in the psychotherapy group today; we had different facilitators, so it felt more open and safe in the group today.  I shared how I felt about my behaviours, and listened to how other people felt about what I shared.  It turns out I wasn't the only person that had used behaviours last night, so we spoke about how we felt about that, and how it affects us to hear someone else talk about their struggles.  One of the girls in the group is very quiet and reluctant to speak in the groups, and she was put on the spot today for not sharing something that happened yesterday.  I felt bad for her, because she seems so uncomfortable when she is asked to share, so I hope today was okay for her, and that maybe when she is ready she will open up more to the group.

Healing arts was fun today; everyone brought in two of their favourite songs for us to listen to.  We spoke about what the songs meant to us.  The songs I picked were ``Part of Me`` by Katy Perry, and `Fighter`by Christina Aguilera.  They are both break-up songs, but I find them relevant to the eating disorder, especially when using the personification of ``Ed``.  For those who may be unfamiliar with this, it is common in the eating disorder community to refer to the eating disorder like it is an evil partner that puts these thoughts into our heads.  We are often asked to reflect on whether we were speaking or if Ed was speaking for us when sharing something about food or body image or something.  I don`t use the Ed personification personally, because my Dad`s name is Ed, and he`s a great guy.  Instead, I will use ``E.D.`` but I digress....

So anyway, the songs I chose relate to the eating disorder in that it has made me stronger as a person, but at the same time I will not let it consume me completely.  It`s hard to explain I guess, so I`ll post links to the songs, and you can check `em out and let me know what you think!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XHZj_nIeKU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Update, Jan 21

Oh my god, close to worst-case-scenario.  I knew I was gonna be at Tony's house alone for a little bit; he got into a car accident tonight, so I've been here alone for awhile.  I had bought a bottle of wine to enjoy with my bubble bath; instead of enjoying a single glass, I have now had the whole bottle, and two rice cakes smothered with peanut butter and nutella.  3 attempts to purge it out, I don't think I got all of it, but I am really upset right now.  Tony's okay, but I just can't go to sleep without him here.  I hope he gets here soon :(

Day 11

Today was long.  And frustrating. And emotional.  I am still really struggling with the nutrition part, what they are offering is not really what I feel is healthy food.  So I'm really butting heads with the dietician, I know that I have to make a sacrifice for the five weeks I have left and just eat the food they are providing.  But it's making me very anxious.  I weighed myself today, 144.9lbs, not sure if that is up or down or the same.  But I feel really fat.  I worked out this morning, so that made me feel better.

The last group of the day was Emotional and Physical relationships, where we talked about relationships with mothers.  I have to say that it was nice being able to speak about how I was  happy with my relationship with my mom.  I think Mum and I really worked things out over Christmas, and I am very happy to have a strong, supportive, communicative relationship with my Mum.  I had always been reluctant to confide in my mother, but the last few months our relationship really grew.  It made me sad to think that it took my sister passing away to feel like Mum and I could finally have the relationship that I've wanted.  I got upset about that during checkout, and I almost cried in front of the group.

I realized that Tony would be out for the evening, so I went to the mall after program to engage in some retail therapy.  I don't really have much money, so really can't afford to shop.  I don't know if it cheered me up.  I went into one of my favorite stores and tried on some clothes.  I don't know why I even bothered; I knew it would just be upsetting and triggering for me.  But, I've chosen to challenge this little bit of "me-time", and not listen to my eating disorder tonight.  And actually, it really hasn't been loud tonight.  I have decided to have a nice, relaxing bubble bath instead of engaging behaviors. The tub's all hot and ready, so I'm out!

The weekend

I got too busy to post yesterday, so I'll just post for the weekend.  It went pretty well, having the two kids was not too bad.  They mostly kept each other busy, so that was good.  I tried to stick to a bit of a meal plan, but adapted to suit what I think is okay.  I did actually have toast for breakfast both days, but without butter.  I think that I should just take bread out of my diet, because it tends to be a trigger for me. I had a really strong craving last night for toast with peanut butter and nutella, so I think just the thought of having bread in the house is enough to set me off.  But, I was able to stay strong and not give in, just had a couple of mints instead.  I'd really like to weigh myself this weekend, I am having a hard time resisting buying new batteries for my scale.  I had asked the dietician about my weight, but we decided that it probably wouldn't be safe for me.  I told her the only thing she could tell me about my weight is that it is going down (even if it isn't), so I guess that's not what they want to promote.  Darn.  Feeling really fat these days, so I think I will start working out again. I can't decide if I want to work out at the gym, or at home.  I have a set of DVDs that I quite like, it's dance cardio and pilates, so it's good for toning without bulking up.  The dance moves are pretty cheesy though, so I feel pretty ridiculous doing it sometimes. So I'd probably just go do that at home, but then it will be late, so I don't know.  I think I am having some fear of judgement about the workout; because some of the moves are a little unusual, I would be worried about someone seeing what I was doing.  But, if it works, it works, and I shouldn't be worried about my boyfriend judging me for the workout I am doing.  Because I know he's not like that.  I found a body-weight workout that I could do in the mornings at Tony's house, and then do my cardio in the evenings when I get back to the house.  But then I have to get up early, and I'm usually tired at the end of the day.....I feel like I am making excuses here, so better just decided what I am going to do.

Hopefully the rest of the weekend goes well, Luc and I will be going to my parents' house for dinner, so I have to be careful not to binge on the taco chips Mum usually puts out for a snack before dinner. Maybe just bring a handful of almonds (not 50 of them!).

Back to program again tomorrow, I am trying to take the transit there now, instead of driving.  Save some money since I don't have any!

Also, I've recently updated the 'prologue' post to give a bit more detailed history, some of you may have read it before, it's been adapted from the presentation I gave back in November.

Day 10

Well, the week went by pretty quickly, but today seemed to drag. I was really tired after waking up early again to do breakfast prep.  In the weekend planning session after breakfast, we were asked how we are feeling going into the weekend.  I have my son, Luc, and his friend Marshall for the weekend, which is giving me some anxiety.  Luc doesn't listen to me that often, and it can be very triggering for me.  When we stay at our house, he doesn't listen to me about bedtime, and wants to eat McDonald's and ice cream. I've asked my boyfriend (who has been so wonderfully supportive of me) if we could stay at his house.  I'm just not ready to be on my own with Luc yet, and I think having two kids for the weekend might be stressful and lead to some behaviours.  Or maybe I don't trust myself to be at home yet.  So we're staying with Tony this weekend, and it's his birthday today.  What a great guy, I love that he is so supportive and helpful.

I had a session with my dietician over the break, I'm still really struggling with what she says about saturated fats. Apparently now it's safe to eat saturated fat.  I'm skeptical.  And she says sugar is part of a normal diet.  Ummm, I don't think so.  Eating sugar and fatty food put my body in the shape that it is now, and I am not happy with that.  So really, the only solution is to take all of those 'bad' foods out of my diet.  According to the program staff, that is letting my eating disorder control me.  I don't know how much I can believe that.  I really don't trust the food part of this program, but I'll continue to stick it out.

After lunch, we watched a documentary about the Dixie Chicks and how they ruined their careers by talking shit about Bush.  It's too bad that they were so harshly criticized, the point of the movie was to indicate how limited 'freedom of speech' really is.  It really didn't have anything to do with eating disorders, I think it was just a way to keep us occupied for a few hours.

I just barely finished my snacks;grapes in the morning, veggies and hummus in the afternoon.  The servings are too big to eat in such a short period of time.  I think I will have to start picking something easier to eat, but all of the other snack options are junk.  They give too big a serving of nuts (I had almonds for a snack on Tuesday, and there were 50 of them in the bowl! 50!! The proper serving is 20!!!), and I don't want to pick trail mix every day.  The other stuff is like Rice Krispie squares, cookies, ice cream, cheese and crackers, or crackers and peanut butter.  Not sure about crackers and cheese or peanut butter, as those are binge foods for me.  So I'm not really sure what to do for menu planning on Monday.  I probably will have to give in and have toast and butter with at least one breakfast.  Ugh.  I know it won't kill me to eat it, but I don't think they are being by accommodating in this program.

Well, at least it's the weekend now.  Hopefully it goes well,  I think with Tony's help I'll be able to get through it with the kids here.

Day 9

Today went pretty well, I had to be there early for breakfast prep.  It was pretty easy, and we were finished up early.  We learned about Dialectical Behavioural Therapy in the first session; it was quite interesting, I don't know much about it.  But I liked what  I learned about creating a synthesis between the reasonable mind and the emotional mind, to make decisions with a wise mind.  The theory is that the emotional mind tends to be impulsive and gets overwhelmed easily, whereas reasonable mind uses logic and facts to make decisions.  The eating disorder is said to live in the emotional mind, so the wise mind evaluates the impulsive decisions along with the facts to make wise decisions.  This allows us to experience feelings without judgement, and eventually challenge those thoughts from the emotional mind.  We learn to know the difference between those things we can change, and those we must accept.  We can be willing in our acceptance, or willful, which perpetuates emotional discomfort.  This is turn can lead to anxiety, guilt, etc, which starts the vicious cycle of engaging in behaviours and self-hatred.  We ran through a quick mindfulness exercise, and then moved on to psychotherapy.

This was an interesting and enlightening session- I presented the disagreement I had with Sharon about the added fat on toast, and I was challenged to examine what I would be fighting if it wasn't the food?  One of the girls said that it sounded like I want the program to help me, but on my terms, by my rules, and within my comfort zone.  Eureka! It made so much sense. I will be seeing my dietician tomorrow to discuss my food plan, so I will bring it up.  I don't think I'm going to automatically change my mind and start eating cheez whiz on my toast, but I might be able to think about relaxing my resistance to the food.  But not yet.

After lunch was a session about journaling; I was so tired that I started falling asleep.  I figure this blog is pretty similar, so I don't know if I will start journaling right now.  Dinner was gross, it was veggie burgers and fries that were kind of soggy.  Overall, I felt like the day went pretty well.  I am glad that the weekend is almost here.

Day 8

I'm sorry to be reporting that my 10 day streak of staying 'clean' that I gave in today.  It was just a small binge, but I'm disappointed that I purged afterward.  I'm not really sure where the urge came from, on my home to feed my cat, I had a really strong craving for the left-over gingerbread at home. I popped a mint, and thought about how I would be letting myself down if I gave in.  When I got home, the urge was stronger, and as much as I wanted to just have some gum, or throw the gingerbread away, or just leave, I let the eating disorder win and had a little bit.  Oh well.  I guess this happens.  So I think I'm just going to look on the positive side, and reflect on the other successes I've had since I started.

Not sure that I have any successes to write about tonight, the day was pretty long and boring, not much to comment on.  I was asked to think about why I am resisting certain foods.  Last week, I had been told that if we have toast with breakfast, then it needs to have a spread (peanut butter, butter, cream cheese or cheez whiz, none of which I want).  I may have told this part of the story already.  As much as I argued that it's not okay to promote eating butter, or processed plastic cheese, they didn't want to hear it.  So I chose not to have toast with breakfast, and was told I would be challenged on this.  So this week, while planning menus for next week, I chose again to have oatmeal rather than toast.  And of course, I was told today that I needed to think about why I don't want a spread with toast.  They didn't like that i was resisting the food too much, and need to think about what's going on underneath that.  Again, I think it is because I just don't want to eat that.  I like peanut butter, but am nervous to eat it right now, because it has typically been a trigger for me.  Cream cheese and cheez whiz are disgusting, so I don't want those, and I don't believe that butter is part of a healthy diet, and don't want to eat it.  I was told that part of being of the program is making sacrifices.

I also got in trouble for my 'substance use' over the weekend (as in drinking a few glasses of wine).  I guess drinking is frowned upon because it might interfere with my ability to think and take part in the therapy.  I could see if I were coming to program drunk, then that would be a problem, but I don't think some wine once in awhile could really hurt my progress.  Nazis in that place, I tell ya!

Day 7

Today wasn't too bad.  Breakfast was the same as yesterday; oatmeal, eggs, and orange juice.  We had healing arts after breakfast, music therapy this time.  It was...interesting.  We did some drumming, then played with maracas and drum sticks, then played on a xylophone. It was kinda fun, but definitely found my perfectionism getting in the way.  I learned at checkout that I wasn't the only person there who felt that way.  I struggled a bit with the afternoon snack; Tuesday is baking day, so one of the girls baked a cake.  It was delicious, but I instantly thought that I should purge after eating it.  We have a break right after the snack, so I could have tried, but decided not to.  Purging during program hours is a good way to get kicked out, so I thought it was safer not to try. Plus, I didn't have my trusty toothbrush with me, so I didn't try.

Psychotherapy went well; one of the girls spoke about not wanting to go back to school when she finishes, and I found myself offering a solution right away, rather than thinking on a deeper level why she didn't want to go back.  The therapist called me out for it, and I'm glad that she did, because it gave me a chance to reflect on that, and how I don't like it when people offer me solutions when I'm just asking for someone to listen.  She has been saying in the last two sessions that it is important to know what we are expecting our listener to do before we tell them our problem, as we can't know how to support someone if they don't tell us what support they need.

Still behaviour-free, so that's great.  I had some fleeting urges to binge last night, and I was able to ignore them, and just have a mint instead.  But I am aware now that the eating disorder becomes very loud when we are trying to put it to rest.  So I think I need to be aware of how I am feeling, and reach out for support when I need it.

Day 6 (Monday)

Back to program.  Was a couple minutes late for breakfast, but managed to finish on time.  Fortunately breakfast is small, do it's easy to eat.  Lunch was a close call though! I had a turkey sandwich (twice what I had for dinner last night!) and a bowl of mixed veggies.  It was so hard to choke all that food down in such a short period of time.  But I did it - no Ensure for me!  It was interesting listening to the other girls in group today.  One of them, who is very thin, spoke about being embarrassed to run into someone she knew over the weekend, because she's "gained all this weight", and it made me think about the times I have felt that way.  I thought that it was so awful when I had out in weight, and was so ashamed and embarrassed to look at people in the hallway.  Now here is this woman who I think looks so good, having the same thoughts as me!  I guess that's why we're both at the program, but it was interesting to hear that the "fear of fat" can be there, regardless of how much we weigh.

Speaking of weight, we had to weigh in today.  I was very tempted to jump on the scale after the nurse left, but I didn't.  I have no idea if I gained weight or lost weight, and I am a bit anxious about it.  I didn't have s weight requirement to meet, but two of the thinner girls didn't make their weight, so I'm not sure how I feel about that.  One of the girls has to eat so much food at every meal, so I can't believe that she wouldn't have gained half a kilo!

The group sessions went well, we explored father-daughter relationships in the afternoon; it was nice to know that my relationship with my dad is pretty healthy, and has actually gotten better in the last few years.  The therapist asked us to consider how the eating disorder has affected our relationship, or how the relationship influenced the disorder.  I was happy to be able to say that telling my dad about my eating disorder allowed me to be completely honest with him, and I feel like he is supportive of me through this treatment.  Not too many of the other girls could say that.

Lastly, people were telling me all weekend that I am looking better, and looking healthier, so that was a nice little confidence boost for going into my Monday.

Sunday

Today went fairly well overall.  Went skating with some friends, and then for coffee afterward.  I found out that my grandpa was in the hospital, so went to visit him for awhile.  The other patient in the room was dying, and it triggered some thoughts about mortality for me.  Although my grandpa was okay for the most part, I was still concerned that my grandparents are getting older, and I might not have then around for too much longer.  I know this is inevitable, but the fact that I have absolutely no control over it was upsetting.  I had a few urges to binge, but I managed to accept them as fleeting thoughts.  I had dinner with my grandma (soup and half a sandwich) and instantly felt like I needed to purge after.  Even though it was slightly less than what I would have to eat in program, I really felt like I had had too much.  I didn't end up purging, but sure felt like it.  I can't do it with my fingers, I usually use the handle of a toothbrush, so maybe that stopped me from purging.  If I had it with me, I very likely would have followed through.  So, I popped a mint, and drove back to my boyfriend's house.  I fell asleep before having any more urges, so I think overall the day was successful.

Saturday

No treatment today, but just wanted to reflect on the fact that it's been a whole week without bingeing and purging.  I think that's the first time I've gone that long without bingeing in awhile.  So I'm pretty
pleased with that.  I went shopping today with my boyfriend, but didn't buy anything.  I was afraid to try things on, because I am usually so disappointed with my body that I end up bingeing.  So maybe I'll save my money until after I finish the program.  Reward myself with some retail therapy.  On the way home I had a slight urge to binge, but have been trying to have a mint when I have these urges.  I am hoping that I can re-condition the urge to binge with a craving for a mint.

Day 5

This was probably the best day yet.  Started off with weekend planning, where I really thought about ways to avoid giving into binge urges and triggers.  I decided that being home alone might be dangerous at this point, so will not go home unless I have someone with me.  I made up a meal plan to try to follow over the weekend; I am concerned about gaining weight if I eat too much.  We had a yoga class in the afternoon, and I fell asleep in the meditation part.  One of the psychologists joined us at lunch, and it was a riot.  I thought I might choke on the disgusting chicken nuggets because I was laughing so hard.  It was nice to have a short, easy day.  We were done at 4:30, so I got to choose my own dinner, instead of having to eat what they serve at the program.

Day 4

Today went pretty well.  I thought it would be pretty intense, considering that we had a lot of group therapy to do.  Managing strong emotions, psychotherapy and body image all in one day.  But actually it went really well.  The work I had done over December helped me to see things more clearly, and not let my emotions get overwhelming.  Psychotherapy ended up being quite entertaining; one of the girls was put on the spot by a facilitator, and we were all asked to speak about how we felt about the confrontation.  We were all able to laugh about it in the end.  I am definitely getting used to all the food, although I still think it is too much.

Day 3

Well, today was probably the best day I've had so far, relative to the first two.  I am starting to get used to eating so much, so often, although I would still argue that we should be eating every 3 hours, with smaller portions - huge portions every 2 hours is a lot for anyone to eat, let alone someone who is used to eating very small amounts of food, or incredibly large amounts that don't get fully digested.  I still feel bloated, but not as bad as Monday or Tuesday.  I had a bit of a struggle over the 'necessity' of condiments with meals - the dieticians insist that we have some kind of added fat with toast, whether it is butter, cheez whiz, cream cheese or peanut butter.  And if we do choose to have this, then we need to eat the whole thing.  I have never been a fan of condiments, so I chose to switch any orders of toast for breakfast with oatmeal.  I was asked if this is something that needs to be challenged.  I insisted that it wasn't a disorder thing, it's a preference - I don't like salad dressing, or added fat on my toast.  Peanut butter is too much of a trigger for me, so I don't want that either.  Since I was a kid, I haven't liked to have a lot of added stuff on my food; I think I was 12 by the time I was okay with having butter or mayo on a sandwich.  And I don't like my salad or veggies dripping in dressing either.  But, my arguments did not stand up to the rules - the rules are the rules, and I can accept them or leave.  At check-out, the rec therapist put it so bluntly that it really resonated with me.  I was commenting on how I am struggling with the rules and she just said "There are like a thousand rules here - so what are you gonna do with that?"  Good point.  I realized my mantra for the rest of the week should be "Suck it up, Princess", because honestly, there isn't anything I can do to change the rules.  They absolutely don't make exceptions for anyone, so if I want to be here and get better, then I just have to suck it up and quit my bitching. Trust in the process.....trust in the process.....trust in the process.....

Day 2

Not so impressed with today.  We started out with 'healing arts', which was basically drawing pictures and colouring for an hour and a half.  Really? I guess this would be a great activity for someone who is artistic, but I am definitely not.  Then at AM snack, I didn't finish eating a huge bowl of raw veggies (which I am quite sure is more than 2 servings worth) in 20 minutes, so had to drink half an Ensure.  Seriously?  I understand why they have this rule, but I'm not underweight, so it really makes no sense.  I know I am not missing out on nutrients by not eating 3 grape tomatoes and 5 pieces of broccoli.  Then I had to talk with the counsellor about "what was going on, how was I feeling about this", because apparently the serving was fine, and that a normal person cold eat that in 20 minutes, and that I was eating too slowly, and taking bites that were too small.  What was going on?  how was I feeling?  Full!  That's all!  And as much as I argued, they didn't want to hear why I thought it has been way too much food lately.  And if I had completely refused to have the shake, I would have been sent home.  Then at lunch, I was told to finish off the salad dressing, even though I had finished the carrots it was supposed to go with.  A spoonful of salad dressing is not a pleasant way of completing a meal.

The psychotherapy group went well; listening to one others speak about how they feel was enlightening.  The take-home message was "although you know how to be by yourself, it is important to know how to be with yourself".  I learned that I am not the only person who self-sabotages when it comes to sticking to an intention we had set for ourselves; whether it is setting boundaries with people, abstaining from alcohol, or not giving in to the urge to binge, it seems this is a common problem.

PM snack was a baked goodie, a Rice Krispie square with a s'more in the middle, with peanut and chocolate on it.  I got thinking that I should have told the dietician that I was lactose-intolerant, gluten-sensitive, and allergic to peanuts, so that I wouldn't have had to eat all of the bread, peanut butter and milk I had today.  It was quite anxiety-provoking to have to eat the snack, so I went and walked the stairs for awhile.  I' m not sure that exercise is permitted during program hours, and exercising right after eating a trigger food is pretty much purging, so I don't think they'd be too pleased with me over that.  I wanted to exercise after the program was over, but I am worried that going home to do anything could be triggering.

I feel like today I got upset and frustrated over little things, and I realize now that it is because this program is making me uncomfortable.  It is attacking the defence mechanisms, and things I like to avoid and not deal with, so of course I am getting defensive and fighting against the rules of the program.  I need to be willing to trust in the program- I waited a long time to get there, it would be unfortunate to not get anything out of it or to be sent home early.  So as much as I want to be stubborn, I know I have to let down my walls so that healing on the inside can take place.
M

Day 1

What a long day!  Started with check-in group, to discuss how things went over the weekend.  Immediately felt like I was out of place, and didn't belong there.  I recognized E.D. thoughts kicking in as I scanned the room and the other girls there.  "You're the fattest one here"...."You don't belong here, you're not sick like those girls"....."Did I really make the right decision to be here?"  After voicing my concern that I don't belong, one of the girls said that doctors, counsellors and caseworkers had agreed to admit me, so I should be there, and will benefit from the therapy sessions, if nothing else.  After a quick weigh-in, it seemed like all we did was eat and talk.  The meals were not excessively large, but my stomach was so full and bloated from eating every two and a half hours.  The food was okay, but I'm not sure how long it will take to get used to eating so often.  At lunch time, I caught myself scanning the room again, comparing how much food I had and how much the other girls were eating.  Noting that these were just more E.D. thoughts, I focused on trying to eat in the alloted time so as to avoid having to drink an Ensure shake if I didn't finish. 

Overall, I think the day went well; I am anticipating struggles with the nutrion guidelines, as they are strict and food choices are limited.  I am also considering surrendering my exercise while I am attending the program, but this makes me quite worried.  I have gone for a week without exercise without gaining too much weight, but I am concerned that stopping exercise in addition to the structured eating might be disastrous.  With the long days in program, I am not sure that I want to get up so early to work out, or go for a run at the end of the day.  I guess for now I will just be gentle with myself, and try not to force myself to do it if I don't have the energy.

Prologue

I am starting this blog to chronicle my journey through recovery from bulimia nervosa.  I have been struggling with this disorder for the last four years, and it is destroying my life at an exponential rate.  I have chosen to enroll as a patient with the Calgary Eating Disorder Program, at the Alberta Children's Hospital, which will be an 8 -12 week process of intensive therapy, psychoeducation, nutrition counseling and transitioning back to "normal" life.  I will post on a daily basis, so stay tuned for updates on how things go!  I've updated this section to include a detailed history of how the eating disorder came about, taken from a presentation I gave about my experience with mental illness.


My sister, Amy, and I grew up in Okotoks, in a nice home, with nice parents, and our younger brother. When people think about addicts, they often assume that these people come from broken homes, or were abused growing up. We were neither of those. If anything, we were a bit spoiled, and our parents would do anything to make sure we were okay. Amy and I both went through awkward, ugly duckling phases, we were both on the chubby side, with braces, and Amy wore glasses starting from age 6. As many of you know, this can be a difficult time for anyone, as bullies like to pick on anyone who is shy, nerdy, or chubby. Amy was teased mercilessly by a boy in her class, from grade 4 through grade 6, prompting our parents to move her out of public school to escape her cruel peers. I was teased a little bit in grade 5, but managed to get through elementary school mostly unscathed. Junior high was tough for me; a boy in my grade 7 class would call me “beached whale” every day, even though my weight was in the normal range for my age and height. I started reading in magazines about girls with anorexia and bulimia that had lost a lot of weight, so I started skipping lunch, and sticking to gum and Pepsi throughout the day. I would be so hungry though by the time I got home that I would eat nonstop until dinner. I experimented a little bit with purging, but it was difficult to do. I tried a number of things to lose weight, although none of them were healthy. Smoking, skipping meals, or taking diet pills, rather than good old fashioned exercise and healthy eating! I fluctuated between 135 and 145 pounds through junior high and high school, so maintained a normal weight for my height.

The teasing about my weight had stopped by high school, but the body dissatisfaction and desire to lose weight were pretty ingrained by then. Any time a friend would blow me off, or a boyfriend would break up with me, I always assumed it was because I was too fat. Amy, on the other hand, was quite chubby through junior high and part of high school. The summer before she turned 17, she lost about 40 pounds, but never disclosed her method. She told us she ate every day, and walked everywhere, but I suspected that there was something underlying her weight loss. She grew more and more obsessed with losing weight, and wanted to have hip bones that jutted out, without any fat on them. She wasn’t necessarily underweight at this point, but wanted to be. Amy had always been the outgoing one of the two of us, and I assumed that her new slim figure was the reason why she was more popular among our shared group of friends.

I experienced my first episode of depression at age 17, my grade 12 year. I had been dumped by the boyfriend I was completely enamored with, and just quit caring about everything. I had maintained honours throughout junior high and high school, but missed graduating with honours because I had just given up trying to get good grades. I isolated myself from many of my friends, and started smoking pot and binge eating regularly. My weight increased to over 150lbs, putting me in the overweight category for my height. I was feeling quite low about myself because of my weight, but didn’t know enough about health at the time to lose weight effectively.

After graduation, I started going out to bars and nightclubs regularly, and became best friends with Deanne, who was the coolest chick I had ever met. I adopted the ‘bar-star’ lifestyle, going out drinking and dancing most nights of the week. I stopped eating throughout the day, so that I would look slimmer in my bar clothes, and get drunk faster. It worked, sometimes so well that I would get too drunk, and would force myself to vomit to make room for more alcohol.  Between the not eating, throwing up, and dancing at the clubs five nights a week, I lost a considerable amount of weight, and was back to around 135 pounds again. Totally normal for my age and height, but compared to Deanne, I always felt like the ‘fat friend’. We started using cocaine on a recreational basis; after the bar, we’d go to a house party and get high until the sun came up. A half a gram a couple nights a week quickly turned into a regular daily habit. Our friends and boyfriends were drug dealers, so we had easy access to it, without having to spend a lot of money. Since I was high most of the time, I had no appetite, and the weight fell off even more. I was never underweight, but just loved the slimmer figure I got as a by-product. However, the easy access to coke wasn’t the great thing I thought it was; before I knew it I was getting high all day, every day, saving a few lines for the next day to get myself through work. Weekends would just be crazy benders; it was nothing to go through an eight-ball a night, staying up all day and night for Friday and Saturday, then crashing on Sunday and sleeping for 16 hours. Once Amy turned 18, I started bringing her out to the clubs with us. She dabbled in a bit of ecstasy, but always seemed so against doing coke. One night, we were at a house party, and Deanne, Amy and I got quite drunk.  I took Amy to the bathroom to do some cocaine to sober up a bit. I thought I was helping her out at the time, but it turns out I was very wrong.

In 2003, Deanne and I moved in together, and things quickly went downhill. I was enrolled in courses at Mount Royal, but ended up dropping out because I was either too high or strung out to go to class or get my work done. Deanne had trouble keeping jobs, and we were drinking and getting high more often than not. I started to hate getting high, and was spending all of my money on coke, staying up all night, and desperately jonesing for more when I ran out in the morning. I would lay in bed, wide awake at 5 in the morning, and think about how I just wanted to fade away, or maybe OD, just as an easy way out. Deanne and I started fighting all the time; and I moved out in April. Barely six weeks later in the early hours of May 12, Deanne was killed in a drunk driving accident. She and her boyfriend were speeding down Bow Trail, when he lost control of the car going around the bend between 37th and 33rd St SW and hit a row of trees on the side of the road. She was thrown from the car and died on impact. They were on their way to get more beer. She was 22.

Deanne’s death was quite the wake-up call for me; I had been ready to quit the party scene for a while by then, and this was just the kicker I needed to get my life on track. I found a good job, got a place with my boyfriend, and things were great. We were engaged, pregnant and married over the next two years. Becoming a mother and wife encouraged me to stay away from drugs and alcohol, and started teaching myself about nutrition and exercise to help me lose the baby weight. I managed to lose 50 of the 55 pounds I gained, in a healthy way, without triggering any disordered behaviours. Amy’s life began taking a turn for the worse; she had moved in with a mutual friend of ours, and started doing cocaine regularly. Eventually, someone introduced her to crystal meth, and it all went downhill from there. Her relationships became volatile and unstable, and she was kicked out of the friend's home she lived in.

In 2006, I found myself a 24-year-old divorced single mom to a toddler (Luc was about 18 months old then), living at my parents’ house again. A few weeks before Orlando and I split up, I had delivered our stillborn daughter, Layla.  I was not quite 19 weeks along in the pregnancy, and the cord got wrapped around her neck and she basically suffocated.  It was devastating.  I remember the day I moved back home, Amy had also moved back, along with her drug-dealer boyfriend, Kurt*. She came down the hall to give me a hug, and she looked awful. She weighed about 95 pounds, completely emaciated and bony. Her hair was messy, and she looked dirty from poorly applying her self-tanning lotion. I asked her what happened, and she claimed to have lost weight through using “diet pills and laxatives”, but I knew that by this point she was badly addicted to meth. By this point, my soon-to-be ex-husband had moved on and in with a much thinner, new girlfriend, and I could stop thinking about the extra 10 pounds I was carrying in response to the separation. Afraid to use Amy’s drastic method of weight loss, I went to Weight Watchers, lost about 15 pounds, and felt like everything was better.

Over the next few years, I fell in love again, with a man who grew increasingly more controlling throughout our relationship. Fighting with my ex over child support and custody was frustrating and upsetting, and I found myself eating chocolate and candy to self-soothe. Between this and date-night over-indulgences, my weight began to creep up again, and before I knew it, I had gained back the 15 pounds and then some. So, back to Weight Watchers I went. Over the next few months, I lost 20 pounds, through a combination of healthy eating and exercise. I was in my second year of university then, and things were going really well. Things had picked up for Amy as well; Kurt had been sent to jail, and she moved away from the life of crime and drug abuse. She found a new boyfriend, Caleb*, who helped her sober up, and she maintained a couple of jobs in tattoo shops, which she absolutely loved. In 2009, my boyfriend was laid off, and became increasingly more controlling and abusive; I began “escaping” to the gym just to have time away from him. I turned my focus to eating and exercise, quickly becoming obsessed with every calorie going in or out of my body. We broke up in February of 2010, and I felt free again. I focused my energy on school, my figure, and my son. I had become somewhat obsessed with developing a fit-muscular physique, and spend most of my free time in the gym. I was eating very clean and structured most of the time, but found myself going on food binges once in a while, eating large amounts of chocolate that were definitely off-limits on my strict, self-imposed diet. A bit of extra exercise, some diet pills and laxatives seemed to do the trick to keep me from gaining weight though. I started dating again that summer, but never seemed to luck out. Any of the guys that I thought I had a connection with seemed to just disappear, - either they would move away, or just stop calling, and I couldn’t help but take it personally. Here I was, 130 pounds, in the best shape I had ever been in, and all I could think was that these guys weren’t interested in me because I was too fat. Getting high or drinking away my feelings wasn’t an option for me, so I started binge eating more often. Six pieces of toast with peanut butter and chocolate sauce, chocolate bars, cookies, a big bowl of popcorn – all in one sitting. I would eat until I was so full that I didn’t notice how sad I was. The next day, I’d go work it off in the gym, and refrain from eating anything more than celery and a protein shake, so as not to gain weight. In August of that year, I hurt my back lifting weights that were a bit too heavy, and my workout regime was completely derailed. It hurt to get up, to walk, to do anything. It drained me of all of my energy. Instead of doing something therapeutic like yoga, or massage, I turned to food again. I knew what I was doing wasn’t right; I had taken abnormal psych that spring, and knew that I was developing some kind of eating disorder. At this point, I was still in a healthy weight range, but had stopped menstruating; I was binge eating, but not vomiting, so I wasn’t really sure what it was. A consultation with a psychiatrist in the fall prompted me to contact my doctor for a referral to the eating disorders program, because of my preoccupation with weight loss and body size.

Over the fall, I was bingeing a lot, and gained about 25 pounds. I was miserable. I isolated myself from all of my friends; staying home to eat any and everything I could get my hands on. By January of 2011, I hadn’t heard back from the treatment program, so decided that I could make myself better. I signed up for boot-camp, and went back to Weight Watchers, and slowly but healthfully began to lose weight. I was still bingeing once in a while, but working out normally and eating healthy most of the time. The eating disorders program contacted me in March or April that year, but by that time I was healthy, and no longer met the criteria for treatment. Things were going well for me; I was working on completing my third year of my psych degree, and found out in April that I had been accepted into the Honours program for the fall. So, I did what I always seem to do after losing weight and re-gaining my confidence – I started dating. Again. Met a guy that I felt an instant connection with, and enjoyed spending time with him until he had to go work out of town. I was upset, but moved on, trying not to take it personally. A friend introduced me to the next guy I dated briefly. I liked him, but it turned out that he used cocaine regularly, and I knew I had to stay away from that. Since things weren’t working out in the dating scene for me, I turned again to ice cream and chocolate, bingeing non-stop until reaching my all-time highest weight of 168 pounds in September, putting me at a BMI of 28 – two points away from being obese. I was horribly depressed by this time; I honestly felt that anyone who saw me would think I was disgusting, that I was unworthy of friends, or boyfriends. I would stay up all night, eating; then would be exhausted for classes the next day. I was in my final year of my degree, and really struggling with the workload and raising my son. Throughout the school year, I fell into a cycle of binge eating and restricting my diet; desperate to lose the weight I had gained. I would go for a week subsisting on meal replacement shakes, celery and energy drinks, losing ten pounds in seven days, only to gain it back after a couple of binges. I was taking diet pills every day, even though I knew they didn’t work. The comfort of having them seemed to relax some of the anxiety I had about my weight. Eventually, I started throwing up after bingeing, and would look up pro-eating disorder websites for tips and tricks to help me lose weight and purge 'more effectively'.  I enrolled in a group therapy program for binge eating, which helped to uncover some of the roots of the eating disorder, but it wasn’t enough. After 14 weeks, I didn’t feel that I had enough of the skills to “cure” myself, despite the fact that I was researching eating disorders as part of my Honours thesis. I signed on as a patient for the shared care program here at the university wellness center, which helped a little, but not enough. I went back to the doctor for another referral to the eating disorders program, and was placed on the waiting list. From all of the energy drinks and diet pills I had taken over the previous months, I had developed heart palpitations, and an ECG revealed an abnormality on my heart tracing.

Throughout this time, Amy’s life began to fall apart again; she had broken up with Caleb in 2010, lost her job at the tattoo shop, and started using drugs again.  She admitted to using drugs to maintain her low weight, but would binge on food when she was sober.  I knew that she had an eating disorder too, but she wasn’t interested in getting treatment for it.  She found herself another abusive boyfriend, and wound up in the hospital after an overdose.  She pulled through though, but struggled to hold a job, and moved around every few months, using drugs more often than not.  She met a nice guy, Rick,* in the summer of 2011; he convinced her to go to rehab.  She went for a few weeks, but left before completing her treatment.  She told us the facility had too many rules; that they wouldn’t let her wear her hair extensions or make-up, and that they were forcing her to eat.  She had gained a noticeable amount of weight, and her fear of getting fat was too strong.  She left rehab, Rick left her, and she quickly lost the weight again from using drugs.  I saw Amy that fall, and she had moved on and found another boyfriend, Robin.*  She seemed to be doing okay, she had an apartment, and he was helping her pay the rent.  Surprise, surprise, things turned violent with this guy too, and the next time I saw her, which was this past April, I was rescuing her from a friend’s apartment after Robin had beaten her up.  I urged her to press charges, but she refused, insisting that he was in a gang, and that he would kill her if she ratted him out.  Soon after though, the boyfriend ended up in jail on other charges, and she told us she was getting her life back together.

By June of 2012, I accomplished something I should be so proud of – I graduated! I received an Honours degree in psychology, with first class honours on top of that! I was the only single mom graduating from psych with Honours, and I really should have been happy about that. But I wasn’t. All I could think about was that I was fat. I had even lost about ten pounds over the winter semester, but I didn’t care. It wasn’t enough. I didn’t buy any grad pictures, and I can’t stand looking at the ones that my family members took. One of the biggest accomplishments of my life, and it didn’t matter, because I was fat. Over the summer, I took a well-deserved break from school; I had been enrolled in courses for the fall, winter, spring and summer semesters for the last 4 years, and I needed a break. I got a part-time job, and enjoyed spending time with my son, or working out and practicing yoga in my spare time. I met and started dating a new man, Tom,* whom I enjoy spending time with.  I managed to lose another ten pounds, but was still in the habit of restricting my diet excessively, or binge eating and purging when I was alone. Otherwise, things were going well for me.

Then, August 31, I received some of the worst news of my life. Amy had been shot and killed early that morning, after an altercation at a party she was at. Needless to say, I was absolutely devastated. The shockwave ran through our family and community; so many people reached out to show their support. Her death was widely publicized in the local media, likely due to the fact that our father is a successful town councilor in our hometown of Okotoks. The last week of my summer holiday, I was just numb – I could hardly cry, and found myself telling other people about what had happened as if it were the plot of a movie. The day after her funeral, I was back at school, starting a new degree, and often found myself wandering around the halls, unable to focus on anything. I tried to keep myself busy spending time in the gym in between classes, and tried to plan healthy meals to nourish myself during this hard time. It didn’t last long. Before I knew it, I was bingeing and purging every day; on average 3 times per day, spending $20 - $40 a day on food that I had every intention of throwing up. I’m not gonna lie; the last few months have been the toughest of my life. I’ve spent money on food much in the same way I used to spend on drugs, and find myself missing classes in favour of staying home to eat. If I don’t feel that I’ve thrown up enough, then I will exercise until I feel that I have burned a sufficient amount of calories. I really haven’t lost weight – I just gain and lose the same five pounds over and over. My hair is starting to fall out, and my teeth hurt from all of the sugary food and vomit every day. My cheeks are puffy, and my throat hurts from throwing up.  I have asked my ex-husband to be the primary care-giver of my son, because I don’t feel capable of meeting his needs. I know that I have people who are there to support me, but it is difficult to ask for help. It is very hard to admit that I am powerless over food, that at 30 years old, I can’t take care of my child, or spend my money responsibly. I have appointments with the eating disorders program coming up in November, so hopefully I will be able to access the treatment program soon. Living a life that revolves around food is not a life, it’s a miserable existence. I want so desperately to be healthy, but it’s difficult. I know that it is easy to say “just stop eating so much” “just don’t throw up” “don’t worry so much about your size”, but it’s about as effective as telling an addict to “just don’t drink so much” “just don’t use drugs anymore”. The rational, psychology degree-holding part of me knows what I am doing is wrong, and I want to stop. Amy didn’t get a chance to get better, so I feel as though I need to get better, if not for me, but for her. For my son. For my parents.  For my friends and loved ones.  Eating disorders and addictions are chronic, progressive, and sometimes fatal. Addictions indirectly claimed the lives of two of the most important girls in my life, and I can’t let it take me too.

*Some names have been changed, but the information is true.