Day 35

As soon as Tony left for work this morning, all I could think about was bingeing.  Not getting up and working out like I had planned last night, but no, instead I ate some white toast with Nutella and almond butter, then some rice cakes with almond butter,  while watching cartoons.  At like 6am in the morning.  I really didn't feel like going to program today, so I didn't.  Bad idea, I know.  But seriously, what are they going to do? Kick me out?  I have two days left.  So I went back to bed, and slept til 10:30.  Woke up, made some pancakes, smothered in almond butter and syrup - I thought I could be okay with having almond butter around, but obviously not.  I just opened it on Monday, now half the frickin' jar is gone.  I also ate the cookie and half and Aero bar that Luc left over the weekend.  I know he won't notice, but still -why can't I resist eating his food?  What kind of terrible mother constantly eats their kid's treats?  I'm so frustrated right now.  I really should have just gone to program today, that would have been much better than what I ended up doing.  I went home, and binged and purged.  Accidently locked Tony's cat in the bathroom too, so I think he was pretty mad at me for that.  I was going to go to the Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous meeting tonight, but I was still purging by the time I needed to leave.  Fuck.  Sometimes I wish I had anorexia instead of bulimia; it would seriously be so much easier to just not eat than to be so goddamn addicted to junk food.  I've probably gained 5 pounds in the last few days from all the over eating I've been doing, now my face is puffy and my throat hurts from throwing up.  What the fuck was the point of dropping out of school to get help to be right back where I started?  I know that it's a slippery slope, that relapse is an expected part of recovery, but it doesn't make it any easier.  I know that I can either keep on slipping back to where I started, or acknowledge the slip and keep climbing Recovery Mountain.  I am so frustrated that this is going to be a life-long battle for me; it was seriously so much easier to quit smoking or doing drugs than it has been to kick my eating disorder.  I really think the only way I can do this for good is to avoid all those bad foods.  Just stock up on fruits and veggies and stay away from bread and chocolate.  Trail mix too, I think.  It's just too risky.