Well, today was not really what I was expecting. As per the previous post, I had decided to skip program on Wednesday, and engaged in behaviours, which I know is not what I should be doing. I was stressed out and emotional, thinking that Tony was pulling away from me, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to be done treatment on Friday. I went to program in the morning, had my breakfast at the cafeteria, and then headed up to group. The first session of the day was Managing Strong Emotions, but I was asked to leave the group before it started so that I could talk to my case manager. She asked me about what happened yesterday, and I told her. So then she told me that I would have to go home on reflection. Really? Even though I only had two days left? I seriously was not expecting that. They have pretty much zero tolerance for behaviours after the fourth week, and zero tolerance for skipping. So, I could have lied to them, I could have said I was sick (I did have a migraine a couple days before), and told them that I didn't binge and purge, but instead, I thought I would do something different, and be honest. And that was grounds for basically expulsion from the program. Bullshit.
If I had done this in a previous week, I would have been sent home on reflection (to think about how much I want treatment, and if I am really ready for it) for a week, and then would have to meet with the therapist, dietician and other staff to prove that I was ready to come back. But since I only had two days left, then I just had to leave early. Don't stay for any of the groups, don't talk about what happened in psychotherapy; pack your shit, say goodbye, and GTFO. Wow, thanks for the support when clearly I need it. The same thing had happened to another girl a few weeks ago, so I wasn't totally surprised, but definitely felt let down. I realize that I made a mistake; by slipping back into old habits (isolating, using behaviours), instead of getting the support I need, I have to go home and think about it.
I met with my case manager on Friday, and she explained that reflection is not a punishment, but an opportunity to really think about how ready I was for treatment. I suppose since I didn't want to accept 100% of the treatment they were giving (I was more than open to the DBT and coping strategies, just not so much into the nutrition and meal plan they were pushing on me), then in their eyes I am not truly ready for treatment. I can see their point, but maybe this means that their way is not right for everyone? I understand that they are the experts from a professional point of view, but I don't think any of them has actually had an eating disorder, and that is where the problem lies. It's easy to preach and talk about what you need to do to get better, but if you've never experienced what it's like to have an eating disorder (or any addiction, for that matter), then there is no way they can truly understand what we are going through. There is a definite 'superiority complex' that runs through mental health practitioners, and I don't think that is right. If anything, my time at the program has given me insight into how I would like to run my treatment and wellness center, once I have the appropriate training and certification. Treatment needs to come from a place of compassion, not strict rules and rigidity. I understand that they need to have rules and guidelines, but every patient there is different, so we can't all be expected to fit the mold that they are providing. Just because I wasn't ready for their treatment, doesn't mean I wasn't ready.
I have had significant gains since being there; I wanted an interruption to the toxic cycle of isolation, bingeing, purging, restricting and over-exercising, and I got that. I wanted to talk about emotional issues that were triggering for me, and I did that. I don't feel that baking or cooking a meal I don't want to eat is helpful at all, but that has no impact on my success in being free of my eating disorder. As I said in the previous post, relapses are something that can happen in recovery, but I have the choice to keep climbing to the top, or slide back to rock bottom. I will continue to eat clean, nutritious, healthy food, and exercise in moderation. No more starving and over-exercising until I am so hungry that I binge. I don't need to eat cookies and ice cream on a daily basis to consider myself 'cured'. I feel that I have a lot of knowledge in nutrition, so following an actual healthy meal plan (not what they preach at program) will give me far more success than I could ever achieve eating junky processed food every day. I'm strong, I'm a fighter, I can get through this. Day program may be over for now, but I'm not done yet.
** It has come to my attention that I did not clearly indicate that Tony and I talked about what was going on; he was stressed out from his own things (trying to get financing approved for his truck, driving a rental car that he hates, which is apparently a huge deal for a car enthusiast, starting school again, etc.) He was stressed out for reasons that had nothing to do with me, and told me that he still loves me even though I got kicked out of treatment. I over-reacted and assumed I was the problem, which lead me to make bad choices, before knowing that he was stressed about other things. For the record, I did ask him a number of times if he was okay, but trying to get men to talk about what's going on is difficult, as many of us women know! So, just because it wasn't clear previously, things with us are fine, he was not pulling away from me or having difficulty dealing with me being in treatment. **
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