Since I last checked in, things have been alright. A minor slip on Saturday night; I was on my way back to Tony's and needed to stop for gas. As I was driving up to the gas station, I was thinking about how I wanted some Mini Eggs and hot chocolate. I told myself that I didn't need that; I had a cookie that evening, so I wasn't hungry anymore. But then I thought "well, it's okay to have a treat once in awhile". So I bought the treats, and asked for guidance to get through it. I'm still not sure who I am talking to when I do these prayers and stuff. Anyway, long story short, I ended up pulling over in a parking lot to purge into the coffee cup. Really gave me déjà vu from my coke days. Pulling over late at night to bust a few more lines before getting to my destination, making sure the parking lot is sort of busy so as not to draw attention to myself, but constantly looking around to make sure no one can see what I'm doing. Only this time, instead of illegal drugs, I was hiding my disease from any potential on-lookers. I couldn't help but think about what I would say if someone caught me. Parked outside of a bar, with my head down over the arm rest, probably looking shady to passers-by, throwing up in an empty Tim Horton's cup. What if the cops drove by and suspected that I was doing drugs, and came and knocked on my window? How awful would that be to have to explain that? I wasn't doing anything illegal, just something very sick and kind of sad. Told my sponsor about it, and we talked about how depriving myself completely of these treats makes me want it even more, but I need to be asking for support before and while I'm eating it.
Sunday and Monday went well; I decided on Monday that I was going to be lazy and just stay in. In could have gone home to clean, which is something that I do really need to do, but relaxing at Tony's (much cleaner) house seemed like a better option. Went to the meeting that night, and phoned my sponsor on the way home about the dark chocolate I was going to have for a snack. I had decided that I was going to stop at Community on the way back to Tony's to grab an 80% cacao dark chocolate bar to eat with the trail mix I had bought earlier that day. When I got there, they were closed! Again, I had to put gas in my car, and knew that if I went into the store, that I would be tempted to buy something loaded with sugar and not antioxidants. Fortunately, the Shopper's Drug Mart beside the Petro-Can was open, and I know sometimes they have a small selection of organic stuff there. Phew, crisis averted. Got back to Tony's, had my snack, everything was great.
Last night I was quite a bit more triggered. We ordered dinner from Boston Pizza, and I really wanted to have some garlic bread. I usually don't eat it, but always want it, so this time I thought I would just eat it and enjoy it. Except we only got one order of garlic bread. We both ordered pasta, but maybe my gluten-free pasta doesn't come with garlic bread (which makes sense; if I'm gonna eat gluten-free pasta, then eating white bread seems very contradictory). Anyway, so I decided I would ask Tony if I could have a small bite. Which of course, he said yes. It was delicious. Lots of thoughts were going through my head before I asked him though- "just ask him, it's fine", "no, don't eat it, you still have back fat, it's going to make you fat" "a little bite won't hurt" "it'll make you want more". Holy, what kind of delusional conversation do I have going on here? I had to take a number of deep breaths to get through dinner, which was successful. Was a bit triggered after dinner, trying to plan out when I would have time to work out in addition to the yoga class I am taking tomorrow evening. Washing my face brought about all kinds of criticism about my skin that still isn't clearing up. We laid down to watch The Hobbit, and I fell asleep, so that quieted all those voices in my head.
So, one day at a time is the best I can do. Heading off to OA this morning, then I have the orientation for the Skills group through the outpatient clinic. A haircut in the afternoon, then yoga in the evening. As long as I pack my snacks, and eat regularly throughout the day, I should be alright.
No comments:
Post a Comment