So today was my first day alone after treatment ended. The weekend went very well; I enjoyed having Thursday and Friday off to be with Tony, and then had Luc sleep over on Saturday. I haven't slept at my house since treatment started, and I was worried about going there and engaging in behaviours. Luc triggers me sometimes (or I use him to justify giving into binge urges), but I was really feeling like we needed to stay at our house. The night went fairly well, except that our cable and internet got suspended (oops, guess I need to pay the bill!), so Luc was a bit grumpy about not having internet access. But otherwise, the night went well, as did the rest of the weekend.
Back to today. Since I'm done treatment, I now have lots of free time to spend productively, or to spend with E.D. I had some thoughts last night about how I could binge while Tony was gone, and that worried me a bit. Eight weeks of treatment, and just like that I could be right back to where I started. I had a big to-do list to tackle, so I knew that slipping back into old habits would not be productive at all. So, after breakfast, a workout, lunch, and a shower, I got on the computer and started looking for jobs. It took me awhile to re-do my resume, before realizing that I had one saved in my email. Oops. Oh well. Anyway, short story long, I ate all of my snacks and meals, and had no urges to binge at all.
I went to the Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous (ABA) meeting tonight; so glad that I did. I asked one of the members that I had connected with at my first meeting to be my sponsor, and she agreed, even though her schedule was quite busy. She said she wanted to make it as much of a commitment to her as it would be for me to work through the steps. I was reminded on the way back to Tony's of something I shared at a previous meeting.
Back in 2011, just before my 29th birthday, I was experiencing an extremely low mood about the excessive bingeing I had been doing and the subsequent weight gain, and was in desperate need of help. I had gone to a counseling session to register for the Calgary Counseling Centre's Towards Balanced Eating therapy group for binge eating. I explained to the counselor how I was feeling, and mentioned that I was feeling very hopeless and wanted to take some pills with a bottle of wine and hopefully end up in the hospital. I wasn't thinking about suicide, but just a drastic attempt to get help. I needed psychiatric attention soon, and wasn't sure how to get it. After the session, I decided to call Amy, because I wanted to self-medicate with something, and wanted to see if she knew where to get anti-depressants or tranquilizers. She answered her phone (strangely enough, she answered!) and told me to come over to her apartment. I told her about how I had been feeling, and we talked about what a struggle it was to live with an eating disorder. I know how she kept her weight down, and I was almost tempted to ask her for it, but I knew (and she insisted) that even trying crystal meth would be the worst thing she could do for me. I don't need that, I could see how much it had ruined her life. She told me about going to Over-Eaters Anonymous (OA) meetings, and gave me her books from AA and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). I told her I wouldn't use those, because I'm not an alcoholic, and I recovered from drugs successfully on my own. She offered to go to an OA meeting with me sometime, but I didn't take her up on the offer. Anyway, before I get off on too big a tangent, I left Amy's apartment feeling so much better than I was feeling before, and that just talking to her helped so much. I went home, and put the books on my table and forgot about them.
Fast-forward to Sept. 12, 2012, when I attended my first ABA meetings, one of the girls there spoke about an article she had just read in the paper, about a girl who was murdered, and she had an eating disorder and drug problems, and it made this girl realize how glad she was to have found sobriety. As I listened to her speak about her experience with addictions, and was so touched that she had had such a strong emotional reaction to reading that article in the Calgary Herald. I told her after the meeting that the article she spoke of was about Amy. She gave me a hug, and told me how sorry she was for my loss, but that it was great that I was coming to a meeting and looking for help.
The ABA 12-step program is loosely based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, so the Promise that is recited at the end of the meeting is the same one that appears in AA's Big Book. Noticing this after having attended the meetings a few times reminded me of the books Amy gave me just a year before. It was like she was meant to give me those books, and I was meant to go to that meeting. I've claimed to be an aethiest for a long time now, and am really unsure how I feel about the religious aspect of the 12-step programs. I spoke at many meetings about how uncomfortable I was with the whole God thing, and how I don't know that I believe in a higher power. But finally at a meeting in November, I realized that I don't have to believe in any particular religion to know that there is power outside of myself, and that things happen for a reason. I really believe that Amy was meant to give me those books, that I was meant to find that meeting, and that in passing, she stepped aside for me so that I could get the help I needed. I had felt as though I was living in her shadow for so long, and couldn't speak about my problems to my parents (in fear of burdening them with more 'stuff' when they had so much to deal with with Amy). Since her death, I've been able to come out to a lot of people about my eating disorder, and really taken the steps I needed to get into treatment. I have had great conversations and discussions with my parents; it feels bittersweet that in losing my sister, I finally feel able to have the relationship with my parents that I had been longing for.
So I feel like now I am ready to take the next steps on my journey, this time down the spiritual path, by really working on the 12 steps, and embracing sobriety. For ABA, sobriety is defined as the freedom from bingeing and purging, restricting and over-exercise - giving up those desperate measures in an attempt to control weight and shape. This might be difficult for me, but I think it will help.
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