I had been meaning to write this earlier in the week, but didn't get to it. I think I realized that there was a reason for that, and that's why I need to be writing now. Over a week since the last time I checked in. Since then, I've binged and purged at least ten times, with 6 sessions occuring over the span of four days. I'm not too pleased about this. I was struggling with the small part of me that still wants to do it. I knew I could call someone, but something in me kept saying "Just one more time, that's it" then one more time turns into 10 more. And of course, the accompanying behaviours - lying, isolating. Just for one last time. There were some emotional issues and hormones playing a role in those cravings, and I just gave in to everyone of them.
I had a session with my therapist on Monday, and we talked about my behaviours, and upcoming family therapy meetings she wants to have. I'm not too sure about these; I know it will make me emotional, and I'm still not used to 'feeling' my feelings. So I would like to be a little more stable in my eating before we get into that.
I went to a few meetings this week; the ones today were particular pertinent for me. In OA, the topics were the third step, the third tradition, and the theme for the month. The Third Tradition states: The only requirement to be in OA is the desire to stop eating compulsively. Check. Step 3 speaks of the "decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God..." and faith was the theme. This has been a tricky one for me, because I am unsure of what my faith is; I have always identified as an aethiest, although I did have a short stint into alternative spirituality in high school. But this whole God thing is really making it difficult for me to accept this step. But I finally realized that God is how I understand God (the remainder of step 3), so it can be anything I want. I have intuitively known this, and have been told by others who were initially turned off by the spiritual aspect of 12-step programs. So anyway, that's all good now. If I need to choose a goddess, or an angel, or yoga classes to guide my spirituality, then that should be good.
I spoke about control and surrender at both meetings. I have been watching these nutrition documentaries, and they really have inspired me to nourish my body, rather than damage it. For so long now, and even slightly in the last few days, I have always thought that I needed to find the right diet for me. This has rarely been successful. I still haven't got complete control over my body weight and shape, but I want it so bad. If I could find the perfect way of eating for me, then I could lose weight, have a great body, and everything would be okay. I was reminded of Einstein's definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've been on a 'diet' since I was 12, and have gained and lost so much weight, that it's crazy. I can't do the math at the moment, but I do think I've probably gained and lost over 100 pounds since high school, not including pregnancy. So when is this insanity going to stop? I've tried diet after diet, and they never work. Which was the opening theme for one of the documentaries I watched (if you haven't watched Hungry for Change on Netflix yet, finish reading this and go watch it. Seriously.). Diet's don't work. Temporarily, yes, but not in the long term. Our bodies are naturally meant to seek nourishment from food. So when we restrict our intake, the body takes over with a strong desire to eat food. And particularly food that has sugar and fat. I've known this for awhile, and I think it is fascinating. It totally makes sense that every time I start a new diet, whether it's cutting calories, or whole entire food groups, within about 3 days all I can think about is chocolate and bread and sugar. Because my body thinks there is a famine going on, but the famine ain't coming. So the key to giving that up is to nourish my body with the right nutrients, adding in lots of fresh vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds and legumes, without taking away the cookies, M&Ms or cheezies. Why make such a fuss over this? Label it as "Food I can eat if I want, and don't have to if I don't want to" is certainly a lot easier to deal with than "Don't eat these foods. They will make you fat and they are bad for you. You are a bad person if you eat that food." With the right nutrients in my body, the cravings will fade.
I do have to be careful of this; the orthorexia that has been present for so long is ready to to be the primary eating disorder. I may not have used this term yet, so for those who haven't heard about orthorexia nervosa (ON), it has yet to be granted "diagnosable eating disorder as per the DSM", but is similar to anorexia. The difference though, is in food quality versus food quantity. That desire to eat healthful, organic, naturally-sourced food, limited of pesticides and processing; forgoing animal products, fast food, or commercial products. So what? That sounds like a pretentious-hippie-vegan diet (which, as much as I like to mock those people, I so totally want to be one!). Does this mean that all vegans have eating disorders? Nope. It's one of those fallacies that we learn about in psych class. One of those Venn diagram things with the logical and illogical conclusions: People with eating disorders often adopt vegan lifestyles, but not all vegans have eating disorders. But I digress.
So, the difference between someone with an eating disorder, and a pretentious-hippie-vegan is that someone with ON will avoid social situations, or go without eating if "their food" is not there. Or if they can't order something "appropriate" to the strict guidelines. Which resembles anorexia. Orthorexia is not as commonly acknowledged in the medical or psychological literature, but is starting to garner more notice. It is thought to affect men, fitness industry professionals, athletes, nutrition specialists, and some medical doctors. Wanting to eat healthy is not an inherently bad thing, it's when your life starts to resolve around eating healthy and you avoid people or places because of the food, then it becomes a problem. The test for orthorexia can be found on this website if you are interested in finding out if your relationship with food might be troublesome.
http://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/803218/orthorexia-is-your-healthy-eating-unhealthy
Okay, so what does this have to do with filling my body with nutrients and surrendering control of what I eat? In a perfect world, I would be able to eat what I want, when I want, and never have to worry about weight, but we all know that's not gonna happen. So for a few years now, I have thought that having precise control over what and how much I eat should get me to a place where I will be happy with my body. But I've HAVE YET to get that! I mean, temporarily, in 2010, I liked my body, but that was the summer that all this ridiculousness started! So, instead, I have to have a mindset that I have no control over my body weight and shape, and that if I even begin to start bingeing, purging, restricting, or dieting I am headed for trouble. It seems like such a difficult concept to grasp, because I so desperately want to control every bite, eat only particular foods, and never, ever binge again, and have a perfect body. Well fuck. So, surrender that control over food. Make a conscious effort to stick to my meal plan, talk to my sponsor, and limit triggers as much as possible until they are no longer triggers.
In addition to this, I think I will aim to attend a noon-hour yoga class as many days as I can, to meditate and contemplate about sobriety. I got my karma position back at my studio, so can have unlimited free yoga for volunteering for 2 hours a week.
But, back to tonight's meeting. I spoke about the time I spent with Luc yesterday, and how I am completely give up bulimia, give up control, and get better. Luc and I spent time together yesterday after school, so we went over to my house to hang out. We still have no cable or internet, but Luc was content playing Minecraft on the iPad. While we were there, I decided we should eat up the treats that were still leftover from Saturday's b/p. Luc was happy to eat some cheezies, and half of a cookie, while I ate cheezies, Mini eggs, and two cookies. With lots of diet ginger ale to wash it down. I figured that Luc would be busy with his game, so I could sneak off to the bathroom when I was done. He asked me to play with some Lego, which we did for a little while, and then he wanted to show me a game. I told him I would be right back. While I was in there purging, I noticed some red splotches in there. I'm hoping that they were just from the red M&Ms I had eaten, but the hypochondriac in me suddenly tasted blood. Oh shit. Never had that happen before. So I cleaned up and went to play with Luc. I spoke at the meeting about how he needs me to model healthy eating and nutrition; that bingeing on junk food all the time and then going to McDonald's is not right! As I drove him back to his dad's, he kept asking about when he would be able to come live with me again. I told him maybe the summer, but that we would really have to work on bedtime and breakfast. He argued initially, and I know there is a lot of work to be done in our relationship, but I'm done with letting him down. Not being there, being sick, being absent. I'm done. My son needs a mom, not an eating disorder. So I'm ready.
On the way home, I was very emotional reflecting on this. I used to ask what would it take for Amy to hit rock bottom, and sober up, and I realized that I had hit my lowest. Every time I've binged and purged, I've said it was the last time, but this time I mean it. I'm ready to sober up. I listened to my inspirational songs, and cried, and told Amy to help me out because I'm ready to this now, and I need guidance. So, I've got a few last words for E.D.: "You'd think I'd despise you after all that you put me through, but in the end I want to thank you, for making me that much stronger...Made me that much wiser, made me work a little bit harder, made me that much smarter...made me think a bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter" (Christina Aguilera, 2002).
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