March 23

Only a few days since my last check in, but I think that now is a good time to post.  Since Thursday, I have stuck to my meal plan, exercised in moderation, and met with my sponsor to really start working on Step One.  She asked me to take a picture of everything I eat and send it to her - mostly for accountability, but also to give myself a moment to stop and really look at what I am about to eat.  So far, I have forgotten to do that more often than not, but I'm working on it.  Anyway,  no cravings or binges, but definitely some triggers.

I can definitely tell that my hormones are acting up again.  I feel fat and bloated, and my complexion is awful.  I've been going without make-up this week to see if foundation is what is making me break out, but it doesn't seem to make a difference.  Also, a friend of mine (who I think has a fantastic body) has challenged me to participate in the Spartan Race in August, and to do yoga three times a week to get in shape.  Two things I would absolutely love to do.  Yoga I think is fine; I feel like the meditation benefits will be greater for me than any weight loss/toning I might experience, and it is well known that mindfulness practice is very beneficial for many mental illnesses, including eating disorders.  The Spartan Race is making me a little bit nervous.  It's a 5k obstacle race, that requires participants to be in top shape with respect to athletic prowess and endurance.  Awesome, sign me up right now.  Heavy strength training and conditioning, very specific healthy diet - sounds like heaven to me.  Or is that to E.D.?  Am I really interested in being an athlete?  Sort of.  Am I triggered at the thought of training with and competing against my friend who has a great body, but I am in better cardiovascular shape?  Absolutely.  I know we'd be training 5 - 6 times a week, running, lifting, conditioning the body for strength and endurance while eating specific foods in specific ratios, at specific times.  Yep, E.D. is pretty fired up right now.  Not too mention that I feel fat and bloated and my complexion is awful.  So we'll have to see about this.  I'm not so sure that it is a good idea for me, but I know that my friend is excited to do this.  I feel like it is the equivalent of an alcoholic being invited on a pub crawl.  Or a drinking contest, or something like that.  Challenging exercise and competitiveness just fuels the body image issues and food cravings, so I think I should probably decline participating, rather than please my friend by doing this with her.  I know she means well and wants to get into shape too, but this is a toughy for me.