I suppose maybe I should check in more often than once a week; the last ten days have gone by really fast since treatment ended. No job yet, but hair appointments here and there, and I have sent out some resumes and applications. The week went fairly well, with the exception of a few slip-ups, which will be the focus of this post.
After Monday night's meeting last week, my sponsor suggested that I try to get to as many meetings as I could, even AA. I thought since it seems to work for other people, then I would check it out. So, on Tuesday, I went down to the New Beginnings meeting, and introduced myself. When I shared my story (the gist of the one from the previous post), I said that I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but that I have an eating disorder that I am doing a 12-step program similar to AA. Most of the people were welcoming, although one man said "This meeting is for alcoholics" in his spiel after I had shared. I didn't think much of it, but some of the other members told me "Don't worry about that guy; anyone is welcome here if you have an addiction that you are trying to get sober from". One woman spoke with me for an hour and a half after the meeting about how I might be an alcoholic, and that maybe I should come to all these women's meetings, and how she could sponsor me. I really don't think I have a problem with drinking, and I'm not really interested in trying to stop right now. Let's get this eating thing under control, and then we can take a look at other addictions. So needless to say, I didn't go back to AA.
I did go to Over-eaters Anonymous, I think that will be beneficial to me, along with ABA. OA members (I don't know if this breaks the anonymity code) seem to be older, but with a history of eating disorders, who now struggle with binge eating. Which is exactly where I don't want to be anymore. So I think it will be really helpful to continue going to these meetings, the few times I have gone, I have really been able to relate to what the other women are saying.
Thursday started out okay, but turned worse as the day went on. I was taking a friend to an appointment that day, and had fallen asleep after breakfast so was late in getting there. We had a nice lunch, and then I took her to the appointment. I decided to go to Starbucks for a coffee while I was waiting. As soon as I got into the shop, all those baked goodies sparked that rush inside of me, about how badly I wanted to eat something, but also how much I didn't want to eat them, because I was still full from lunch. I practiced my deep breathing, and was able to just order a latte, which was satisfying enough. After taking my friend home, I decided to go home for a bit and hang out with Sylvester. The binge urge was very present, but I thought I could fight it. Not so much. Cheezies, M&Ms, pop - what a waste of money literally down the toilet. Feeling frustrated, I left and went back to Tony's, and had some leftover turkey and spaghetti squash for dinner.
Friday was good, I stayed in most of the day, then had a hair appointment, then hung out with Tony. I was able to eat well, sticking to my meal plan, and had gone to a spin class at the gym that morning.
Saturday was alright, Tony had some stuff to do in the morning, so I stayed at his house and worked out. We hung out for a bit in the afternoon, and he asked me what I was doing that night. I really hadn't made plans, but he was having a friend over to watch some music video DVDs. He didn't say that he didn't want me there, but I sort of got that I might feel like a third wheel there, so I told him I would just go to my house. I was pretty nervous about this; as soon as I thought about being home alone, all I could think about was bingeing. I had a couple of offers from people to do things, but politely declined, thinking that this would be a good test of being "with" myself, when I am by myself. I did message my sponsor, because I wasn't so sure I would be safe at home, but she was away on work. So, I thought maybe I would go to a movie, since I have tons of Scene points, and the ticket would be free. With no cable or internet at my house, I knew I would be there, just me and my movies, and E.D. would be right there with me, just like old times. When I got to the movie, I figured I would just have a small popcorn and drink, but then I saw the advertisement for the M&Ms contest - by using your Scene card, you could be entered to win a new car (which I could use soon!) or a one-year supply of M&Ms. OMG, that would be heaven! Or hell? That shit is like my kryptonite - I swear I am more addicted to M&Ms than I was addicted to cigarettes!
So with my large pop, large popcorn, and bag of M&Ms, I wandered into the theatre to find a seat. I've never been to a movie on my own before, so I felt kind of silly, since the theatre was fairly busy. Oh well, I was not focusing on the people in the audience, I was too busy chewing and sipping methodically to mix everything up so I could purge it all out as soon as I got home.
Which of course made me feel like shit for the rest of the night, and all through Sunday. Which made me reflect a lot about the ABA preamble, and Step 1. ABA is available to anyone with a desire to stop insane eating practices (bingeing, purging, restricting, etc.) and the basis of the group is to surrender control of food, exercise, body weight, shape, and size. Step 1 states: We admitted we were powerless over our insane eating practices - that our lives had become unmanageable. Check yes on that one! If there is one thing I learned over the last week, is that I am completely powerless against this disease. Even after 8 weeks of treatment, the urge to binge and purge is still there, and is still strong, and this will be a struggle for the rest of my life.
I found assurance in that at least where some would believe that I have struggled because I didn't try hard enough, or didn't want to be healthy bad enough, that that's why I've had four relapses in two weeks. But I know that there is more to it than that; I admit that I have no power over this, and for that I am feeling more ready to go ahead with the 12 steps.
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