Oh Monday again. Today felt like a really long day. In the morning check-in, I spoke about my struggles and the dietician commented on how present my eating disorder was over the weekend. Yes it certainly was. She asked me if I wanted to book in with her to challenge any thing more while I am still in the program. Not too sure about that. The weight piece is still very strong for me, but I don't really know if I want to challenge that. I can't possibly understand how not knowing how much I weigh ever again would be helpful.
In the Nutrition Planning group, we talked about what it was like to go grocery shopping, and how it might look outside of program. I found this topic somewhat distressing; I told the group that the grocery store (and Mac's or 7-11) used to be like my drug dealer. When things were really bad, I would go there before even having coffee or brushing my teeth. Throw on a hoodie over my pajamas, and go there to stock up on M&Ms, cookies, cheezies and diet ginger ale. I would be so worried about what kind of judgement I was receiving from others that I avoided using checkouts with cashiers as often as I could. Especially when I was complementing my array of binge foods with laxatives and/or diet pills. Maybe I was the only one judging me, I certainly hope that no one was looking at me and thinking about how I should be more presentable when I go out, what am I doing buying all this junk food first thing in the morning, again! I would often find myself bee-lining to the junk food aisle and then leaving as soon as I could, without making eye contact with anyone. Seriously, I felt like a crackhead, going to get my daily fix. So from now on, I will need to be very aware of how easy it is to slip back into that former pattern. I think for awhile it will be best for me to shop on a specified day and time, with a list, and possibly a support person. It's too easy to let E.D. jump in and inform my choices if I go alone. This will only be temporary I think; eventually I would like to be able to go grocery shopping on my own without a supervisor.
In Emotional and Physical Relationships, we continued on with the questions from last week. The question that I had been asked to answer was "Is it okay to make mistakes in your family?" Which brought up a whole bunch of emotions last week, and even more today. I spoke to the group about how I always felt like I was held to a higher standard than my sister when it came to making mistakes; that Amy's mistakes were supported, but I was expected to do better. As I listened to the other girls speak about their experiences, I realized that it was never my parents' expectations I didn't live up to, it was my own. I had been fighting to be 'better' than Amy for so long, when there actually was no competition. I was reminded of the struggle I had before Christmas, and always feeling second-best compared to Amy. I guess I know deep down that there was no comparison, but that it was my high standards that I was never living up to.
Lastly, I had a struggle with Nathalie, the occupational therapist. There is just something about her that I don`t get along with. Or maybe it`s my eating disorder that doesn`t like her. Anyway, I had to pick a recipe for a dinner that I have to cook and eat on Wednesday, and then eat it again for lunch on Thursday. She said it needed to be something that would be a challenge for me. Something that I used to eat a lot, but don`t anymore because of the eating disorder. Well, that`s a no-brainer. I used to eat fettucini alfredo, baked in cheese all the time, until it started upsetting my stomach when I had gallstones. After that, I stopped eating it because I had educated myself on healthy choices, and cream-filled, fat-laden pasta is not one of them. So, I chose recipes that called for skim milk, whole wheat pasta, and light sour cream, which of course was a no-no, because ``It`s not helping me to let my eating disorder influence my food choices.`` Well, last time I checked, not wanting to eat something that has a million calories and a hundred grams of fat isn`t an eating disorder thing, it`s a general health thing!! Yes, it`s an eating disorder issue, of course, but if I took the two recipes to any real health professional, they would tell me that it would be better to eat the one that doesn`t have so much saturated fat from dairy, and that whole wheat noodles have a better nutrition profile than white pasta. They may say that it`s not helping my eating disorder to allow me to cook light or diet options, but it is certainly not helping me to challenge it so much.
I spoke about this in checkout group, and finally admitted that I am struggling with two eating disorders; one that I am happy to be rid of, and another one that I don`t want to give up. I do not want to binge and purge anymore, but I have no problem with wanting to know how much I weigh, to eat small portions, to not eat certain foods, and to count calories and grams of fat. I realize that there is potential for that to get out of control, but I don`t think this program is doing me any favours to make me throw caution to the wind when it comes to food. I have done that for 20 years, and I have had acne, excess fat, and cellulite as a result. Any doctor will tell you that you need to watch what you eat. The main causes of death in our society today are cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and cancer, ALL of which can be controlled or avoided by following a healthy diet. So I don`t know how this will affect my treatment, but I guess I will see how things go. I really, really, REALLY wanted to binge tonight, but I don`t really think that is going to help me. I realize that these uncomfortable feelings are here because of the challenges and triggers I faced today, and eating my way out of them will just make me feel worse.
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