Day one of transition. I only had to go for half a day; so I slept in a bit, worked out, and then headed to my appointment with the OT at 11. We discussed 'returning to life after program'. I feel like I am getting out jail or something. We talked about going back to school and possibly work; I am registered to take Anatomy and Physiology over the spring and summer semesters, but I am not sure if I will have to work part-time as well. I have to be very cautious about not taking on too much; I really need to be careful in my planning and scheduling, making sure that I have time for myself as well as obligations. We talked about the possibility of part-time work, and what sort of jobs would be appropriate for me. Anything with food or clothing is out of the question (too triggering for me), but there's not much I can do with my psych degree at this point. So maybe something in the Kinesiology field would be interesting. Natalie challenged me on my motivation to take KNES in the first place; was it my choice, or was the eating disorder involved in that? I'm not too sure; I guess the personal trainer image probably influenced my decision to want to do this degree in the first place. I am legitimately interested in learning about health, fitness, and nutrition, but I suppose there is a bit of an ulterior motive there. It's kind of a requirement that trainers or fitness professionals look and eat a certain way; who would trust a fat personal trainer with an eating disorder? I know I wouldn't. But I don't think that it was the eating disorder that decided I should do this degree just so I can justify looking a certain way. It's more than just the look; I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, and I was interested in being a fitness instructor or working at a gym long before the eating disorder kicked in. So I think I will have to reflect on my intentions before I start looking at jobs, and seriously consider what would be a healthy choice for me.
I got to bring my lunch today, I packed some left-over chicken, rice and veggies from the weekend. I had to stay for the psychotherapy group; we talked about hard family situations, and how we feel the urge to help, even if we may not have much control. A couple of the girls have had some difficult experiences with family members where they wanted to help, but weren't really able to. Rings a bell for me; very similar to how I tried to help with Amy, even though a lot of it was out of my control. I suppose I should have let Mum and Dad deal with everything with her; it wasn't really my place to try to save her all the time, or rush over to the police station or offer to be involved with the media interviews. Didn't really do much good anyway, but I guess those failed attempts at control contributed to why my eating disorder got worse after she died. My responsibility lies with Luc and his upbringing, not with my sister, so I really need to get healthy so that I can be there for Luc when he needs me. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not being there for him over the last couple years.
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