Awful, awful, terrible day! I was so hungry when I woke up, I was craving food so badly. I had decided not to work out in the morning, since my hamstrings were still sore from Tuesday's workout. Bad idea. Should have gotten my lazy ass out of bed and just done it. As I was getting ready, I decided to eat some cashews and mixed nuts. I feel really guilty about this; it wasn't a huge binge, but was definitely a binge. It wasn't my food that I was bingeing on, so I feel bad about raiding Tony's cupboard and eating stuff that he bought. I am not sure if he would be upset with me for it, but I still feel gross about it. I tried to purge afterward, but didn't have a lot of time, so wasn't successful. On the way to program, I stopped for coffee, and bought a small bag of M&Ms. Just like in my coke days, I couldn't wait to rip open the bag and get my fix before even leaving the parking lot. It was the same rush I got back then, and every time I've relapsed over the last few years with food. Hate it.
At program, I got to pick my own snack, so I picked trail mix and yogurt. So much for not eating dairy. As I was eating, all I could think about was how I should have picked some cookies to eat. Even though I am sure the staff didn't think I was bingeing, it sure felt like it. I was supposed to bring my lunch today too, but forgot in my binge-haze from the morning. So I had to have a grilled cheese sandwich, along with the rest of the girls. It took me a bit of time to get my milk and veggies ready; by the time I sat down, I thought I only had 15 minutes to eat. So I chowed down as quickly as I could, totally feeling like I was bingeing. The other girls had a lot more food to eat than I did - they had a sandwich, soup, yogurt, fruit, veggies and dessert, so I felt unjustified complaining about eating a sandwich and veggies with hummus. But I still felt like I was bingeing. I was so full after lunch, the relaxation period before body image group was nice. I wanted to fall asleep. We watched Killing Us Softly 3, which is a great film about the media representation of women in advertising.
For afternoon snack, we got to go to the cafeteria. I chose a lemon-raspberry loaf, and cheese; quite an unusual snack for me. Usually, I pick a fruit cup and a granola square, but the dessert the girls had at lunch looked so good, I wanted something like that too.
After snack was over, the urge to binge was so strong. I waited for the girls to leave, then went back to the cafeteria to stock up on brownies, cookies, and diet coke. I had an appointment for a facial at 3:30, so waited until after to eat. I went home, stopped at Mac's on my way for some M&Ms. As soon as I got home, I started eating, and ate until I was finished. Then tried to purge. I guess it's been awhile, so I couldn't really do it. I didn't really try that hard either, but still. I was so full from eating so much, and just felt disgusting for doing it. I went over to Tony's after, and told him what I had done. He didn't get upset with me, which was what I was worried about. I wasn't going to eat dinner that night, but then decided I should eat the left-over shrimp pad thai from last night. It was really spicy, so I ate some yogurt afterward. Felt like a binge again. I guess I can accept the slip-up today, and get back on track tomorrow; I know that it is normal to relapse while in transition, but it is really disappointing, since I had been doing so well up until now with resisting cravings. I don't know if I was legitimately hungry this morning, or if it was because of hormones and "that time of the month" that I just couldn't keep the cravings at bay. I feel really gross about it. I wanted to work out that night, but the dermatologist had said that I shouldn't work out, since the sweat might interfere with the chemical treatment on my skin. So, tomorrow is my chance for redemption. I can eat a proper breakfast, workout, and eat well throughout the day. It is very tempting to tell myself just to not eat on Friday, but I know that is not the best idea. Too much restricting leads to bingeing, and I know that, it's just hard to stay on track with the meal plan after going over my calories so much today.
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