Thursday, what a weird day this was! Lana the clinical supervisor was in to facilitate Managing Strong Emotions. Sweet! She's hilarious, I quite enjoy when she joins us in the groups. Following from last Thursday's session on developing the "what" skills of mindfulness practice. Today we were to experience the skills of observing, describing and participating in a mindfulness practice. In the form of playing musical chairs and "dancing like nobody's watching". Seriously not joking. At first, I thought "you've got to be kidding me, I am not going to dance around the room and play a game that I probably haven't played since I was 5. No thanks, I'd rather not make an ass of myself." Apparently I was not the only one feeling this way; hence the reason we were made to do the exercise. So Lana fired up her iPod with some techno tunes, and we started walking around the circle of chairs. The facilitators danced right away, we were a little slower to warm up. But, eventually, some of us started dancing to the music. Lana then broke out some '90s and early 2000s club tunes, so I started getting more into it. I thought about my lessons from Amy, and that I should instead 'dance til everyone is watching'. So got quite a bit more into it, and I won! And I had fun too. I put aside all of my judgement toward myself, and just had fun. I mentioned Amy's lesson and told the group about how I tried to channel Amy's energy, and felt good about it. At the end of the night, one of the new girls said that she wrote "Dance until everyone is watching" on her wrist as inspiration to get through her first dance class since getting out of hospital. Aww.
Psychotherapy was interesting; slow to start, but we ended up working on the lack of trust that underlies all of our psychotherapy sessions. I don't know if it's that we don't fully trust each other, or if it is the presence of those particular therapists. One of the new girls shared right away about her struggle she had at lunch, but no one really picked up on it. Then one of the more senior girls mentioned having engaged in behaviours to cope with being almost done the program and having to go back to school. She said right away about not wanting to process it, so we didn't really talk about it. Finally, one of the girls spoke about how angry she was about having to stay on Tuesday even though she wasn't feeling well. Another group member challenged her to consider whether she was physically ill, or experiencing a physical manifestation of emotional turmoil. From this, the conversation got to the underlying mistrust, and unwillingness to share in this group. It ended up being really good, because now we know what we have to work on in the next psychotherapy group. It should go well after that. It could have been because of the therapists though, they just bring a certain energy to the room that is different than in other groups.
In body image, we were asked to think about the beauty assumptions we worked on last time. Only this time, the facilitators would not be in the room, but monitoring us from the observation room. We were challenged to discuss assumptions such as "if I only looked the way I wanted, then everything would be better" and "You can tell how a person is on the inside by what they look like on the outside". I don't agree with the second one, but I do agree that it is the reason why stereotypes exist. I can't help but think that things would be better if I weighed less, if my skin were clearer, and my teeth whiter. So I don't really want to even consider the alternative to this. Life has got to get better than what it's been. Things have been good, I suppose for the most part, but could be way better. I really know that I would be happier if I lost 20 pounds. They can tell me it's the eating disorder talking, but I know I will be more confident and wanting to go out more if I wasn't so fat.
Over the break, I went over to the University of Calgary Women's Resource Centre to speak as a panelist for Eating Disorders Awareness week. I was the bulimia rep, there was another girl who spoke about having been recovered from anorexia for a few years, and then some program staff were there too. I had been invited by the same girl who organized the Mental Health Awareness presentation I spoke at in November. Apparently the presentation was so moving and positively received by the audience, that they wanted me to come back. Yay! A good start to doing more motivational speaking. It's funny that that is something I really want to do now, considering how shy and afraid I used to be speaking in public. The panel went really well; the question that sticks out most in my head is "What could someone have done early on in the disorder to help you get help?" The anorexia girl said there wasn't much, because her friends and family did everything she needed to get help. They noticed, they talked to her, they asked how they could help. They helped her get help. I hope this doesn't come off as offensive to anyone, but I stated that the best thing anyone could have done for me in the last few years of my struggle would have been to notice. I was always so surprised that people didn't question me more about my weight gain, the increasing isolation I was living, and the subtle little hints I gave so often. I'm glad that everyone knows now, and is supportive, but I really wish someone would have asked me about what was going on. The therapist on the panel challenged me by asking what I would have said if someone would have called me out on it; I honestly think I would have just blurted it out to anyone over the last year that was willing to listen. It was really distressing for me to constantly keep up this image that I was doing okay when I wasn't. And I suppose I was still reluctant to fully disclose anything to anyone; it was always on the tip of my tongue, but I'll admit that I was always scared to actually fess up. The rest of the panel went well, I hope that it was inspiring to the audience, and that hearing us speak encourages them to seek treatment. I don't really know how much I want to brag about being a patient-expert in eating disorders, but if it helps people, then that's friggin awesome. I hope to do more of that, and possibly look into turning this blog into a book.
As far as check-out went, I wasn't really anticipating any struggles. I could have gone to the gym, but decided instead to just go to Tony's. I had to go home to feed Sylvester, and stop at the post office. Luc phoned, and was asking about when he would see me this weekend. He thought it was his weekend to be with me, but that was last weekend. I felt really guilty when he expressed his disappointment that he wouldn't be staying with me. I told him that maybe we could spend some time together tomorrow. Mother guilt drives me crazy. I got a strong urge to buy some M&Ms and Diet Coke from the store for a quick b/p at home. But I did not. I popped a mint as soon as I got in the car, went home to pay some attention to my poor neglected kitty, and then straight to Tony's. I had a couple glasses of wine, we watched some cartoons, it was a wonderful night!
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