Sorry, I've been super-busy this week, so have gotten off track with posting on here. Wednesday went pretty well; in goal-setting I chose to revisit my goal from a couple of weeks ago. I would like to be more mindful of my triggers, and the context in which they occur. And journal about it. Track when, where and why I am being triggered, what is going on inside of me, and what I did about it. I think this really ties in with the DBT training we've been doing lately, and would be good for me, because I tend to try to stay out of every moment, instead of being fully in it. My pattern for so long has been to remove myself from situations by either numbing my feelings, or taking my thoughts away from reality. So it will be a big change to try to be mindful everyday, particularly when I am triggered.
In nutrition processing, we talked again about eating normally and healthfully outside of program. This group drives me crazy! I just don't agree with what they are trying to pass off as a healthy relationship with and attitude toward food. It's not okay to teach people that sugar is okay!! I have realized that it is useless to argue about this though, so commented only on the fact that once I am done program, I intend to eat more of a plant-based diet. No more dairy or wheat either. I need to figure out what is making me break-out so much, because apparently it wasn't the bingeing I had been doing for the long time before treatment started. I haven't had aspartame in over a week, so I don't think it's that. Probably the dairy, I bet. I'll have to make a point in the next menu planning group to choose snacks that are healthy fat-based, rather than dairy based. More trail mix or peanut butter, less cheese and yogurt. See what that will do.
Not too much to report for struggles, I wasn't sure if I was expecting any struggles tonight. I had committed to facilitating my pregnancy and infant loss support group that night, although I know that doing so is often a trigger for me. I think I have gone home and binged every time I leave the meetings, especially when I really don't want to give in. So tonight I told the group about how we would be watching a video about miscarriage and loss, but that I had seen it before and should be okay. Hearing couples talk about recent losses is always sad, but I can usually get through the meetings without crying. One of the nurses asked me if I am in a position right now to facilitate others and offer emotional support. I don't really know that I am, but I had already committed.
The meeting went pretty well, we had a lot of new couples there, and all of the losses were less than 8 months out. That tends to make it a little more emotional then when it is members whose story I have heard before. But I was okay, I cried a bit while we watched the video about how I had lost my best friend, my daughter, and my sister in the last ten years. Rough. I don't know how much I have really grieved those losses, so I know that is something I will have to work on when I am done with the program. After the meeting, I just went straight to Tony's house, and pretty much fell asleep. Whew, no triggers or urges, I think because I had the safety of not wanting Tony to catch me in behaviours to keep me from caving.
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