Day 27

Today wasn't too bad, even with the fettucine.  In goal setting group, we talked about how "yes, but..." can get in the way of achieving goals.  In the discussion, we acknowledged that making excuses can get in the way of achieving goals, but can also be used to justify why we should follow through on them.  The goal I set for the week is a bit of an extension from last week's goal; this time to be mindful of what is going on when I feel angry, resentful or stubborn (putting up a wall in response to a challenge from someone) and to journal about it 3 times before next Wednesday.  I didn't journal about the triggers as much as I could have, so this week my personal challenge is to actually do it.

In Nutrition Education, we talked about metabolism.  It was interesting.  Very scientific and factual, so right up my alley.  The dieticians didn't go into as much detail as I would have liked, there are still some blank spots to be filled in, but overall, the message we got was that reducing energy intake and/or increasing energy output creates an imbalance in the total energy expenditure equation, with negative results to the body.  Which I know instinctively - over-restricting or over-exercising has detrimental physiological effects.  It's easy to "yes, but..." around this fact, but deep down I know that to be healthy, I need a good balance of nutrition and exercise for optimal health.

Then came dinner.  Not the big ordeal I was afraid it might be, but not really enjoyable either.  The pasta portion was really big; if I had ordered that at a restaurant I would have taken half of it home.  The pasta was pretty bland; I didn't know if I was allowed to add spices or seasonings, since they are so particular about what is okay and what isn't.  When I cook, I usually put all kinds of stuff in there.  The recipe called for garlic, salt and pepper, so it was pretty bland.  And cold by the time I ate it.  I had to portion it out and then discuss strategies to get through it with the OT.  She talked to me so long that by the time I sat down, we were ten minutes into dinner already!  Fortunately, I didn't need the whole entire time to eat, but I was full, bloated and uncomfortable by the time I finished.  I stopped eating fettucine alfredo when I had gallstones at 18, and I don't know if I have eaten it since.  It used to make me sick then, and kind of made me sick tonight.  I think I might be mildly lactose-intolerant, so all the cheese and milk and cream was a bit much.  I had a couple bites of dessert, but not too much.  Too triggering.  You would tell a newly-sober alcoholic to drink in moderation, then send them home and expect them not to over-indulge, so it's not right to do the same to a sugar junkie.  The urge to binge was so strong all night, it was awful.  I felt like trying to purge before leaving the hospital, but didn't.  So, that's a big success!