Another emotional day. Seems like the theme for the week so far. In Healing Arts, we painted wooden boxes that will serve as "recovery toolboxes"- we can fill them up with leisure activities, coping strategies, positive affirmations, successes, etc. It was fun. I enjoyed it this time because painting seemed like less pressure than designing or drawing something. I'm not sure if I'll use the toolbox for its intended purposes, but maybe use it for something.
I had a session with my case manager, to discuss my reactions to challenges. She said that I have a tendency to shut down and 'pout' when someone disagrees with me. Yup, I would agree with that. I feel like I am constantly stating my case, with valid facts to back it up, and am told every time by the staff that it's my eating disorder talking. It's very frustrating! I know that I'm stubborn, and that it doesn't help me at all to shut down and not even consider the help they are giving, but it would be nice if they would at least listen to my point of view. The phrases we came up with to describe how I feel in those situations were "You don't understand me, you don't respect me, I'm not being heard" which leads me to be angry and resentful toward the person who is not listening. Definitely something to think about; this is not the first time I have had this reaction, so I was challenged to figure out what is going on when I feel that way. We discussed more of the anger and resentment I had been feeling towards Amy and my Mum, and how I will need to address these issues, otherwise they will keep manifesting in different ways.
After that, I had to go grocery shopping with the occupational therapist. I really don't like her. She is just a bitch. She kept telling me things like "How can you set your self up for success, instead of failure, which I know you are good at doing" and "This is something you have to do, so how can you make the best of it?" Talk about stubbornness and resentment! I did find myself shutting down during her 'pep talk' because I was upset about how rude she was. She was there to support me, but it wasn't supportive at all, because I had to do all these things I didn't want to do. Go grocery shopping and don't look at labels, don't buy low calorie or reduced-fat items, peruse the dessert aisle and pick something. Why don't you just stick bamboo shoots under my fingernails while holding my head under water, because it's about the same amount of torture. Picking the food items wasn't too bad, I was frustrated picking out the dairy items - seriously, what is wrong with buying skim milk, low-fat sour cream or light cheese? Picking the dessert was more stressful than I expected. I didn't even want to look at it, but it was "something I had to do". I experienced some very strong emotions out of fear of even looking at the desserts, because it's that easy to trigger a binge. Especially since I have been feeling like bingeing lately, so having to pick out a dessert that I have to eat was really uncomfortable. I realize that tearing up in the grocery store over chocolate cake tells me that I really do have a problem with food, but deep down, I know it's not about the food at all. It was the complete lack of control that was the real issue. If the dessert was optional, it wouldn't have been an issue. But because it was something I had to do, then it was that much more difficult. The OT challenged me to come up with a strategy to make it easier to get through. My preference is just to remove myself from the experience as much as I can, but apparently that is not helpful.
Psychotherapy went really well. We talked about how I was reluctant to give up certain behaviours (that I would strongly argue are NOT eating disordered, but am constantly told that by the program) because it is an issue that most people are struggling with. Of course, again it boiled down to "it's not about the food, it's about what is going on internally that we use food to cover up those feelings". The session was a bit difficult for me, because most of the girls in the group are restricters, so their pursuit of health lead them down the path towards hospitalization. I had a different experience. When I ate healthy and worked out appropriately, I felt really good! No, I guess all of the external things weren't making me happy, but I was happy with my body for that short period of time. It was depression that made me turn to food, and binge like crazy, and it was the weight gain that lead to more and more behaviours. So I honestly believe that following the clean eating lifestyle I had before would be better for me than just eating what I feel like, because it tastes good. I know from experience that this gets me into trouble, but I keep being told that I need to learn how to trust my body to eat properly without having to follow a formula. Well, that just doesn't work for me. The bottom line of the session was that I need to learn what truly makes me happy - I know that eating a certain way or having a particular body size isn't the key to happiness, but it is a step ahead of where I am right now, and where I've been for the last two years. I told the group that I don't know what I need to make myself happy. I've done all these things that are "supposed" to make me happy - having a baby, going to school, getting married - none of those things has made me happy! So now, I have a good relationship, which makes me happy, but I am still struggling with everything else. I am really in the same position I was in 10 years ago, only the addiction then was drugs. I was struggling with going to school, grieving a loss (back then was my best friend, this time it's Amy), trying to find happiness in a relationship, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, body image issues, and struggling to cope with strong emotions. So it's not about the food at all. I need to fix these internal issues if I am going to ever be free of addiction. Feels like I will be in therapy for a long time to come.
The sentiment I left with was that if everything I do to make myself happy eventually makes me miserable (going to school, becoming a hair stylist, having a baby, getting married/seeking a relationship, losing weight, exercising), then what's the point? If this is constantly going to be as good as it gets, then fuck it, I give up. Clearly I don't know how to make myself happy, and seeking external things to make me happy only works in the short term, then why even bother? So I really don't know what to do at this point. If getting help for my eating disorder is only a temporary fix but doesn't deal with anything else, then I am constantly going to have the same struggles. I am happy in my relationship now, but as far as parenting goes, that needs major work. I'm not happy with my body, I don't really have a clear direction of what I want to do professionally, if going to school stresses me out so much that I can't do it anymore, then where do I go from here?
No comments:
Post a Comment