Monday night was okay; I had dinner and then basically fell asleep after taking migraine meds. Today wasn't too bad. I got to make my own breakfast; I got to program a bit late, so just had an english muffin with peanut butter. Yes, I voluntarily chose bread and peanut butter for breakfast, and ate it. Well, if I had time I would have had eggs and oatmeal, but I wasn't feeling stressed out about it after eating it. I've had english muffins with peanut butter a few times lately, and it seems like bread and peanut butter is getting a little less scary lately.
I chose to go to healing arts today; we had the music session where we got to bring in our songs. I have been listening to 'My Immortal' by Evanescence lately; at first the song made me think of Amy, but the more I listened to it, the more it represented the place I'm in right now. So many of the lyrics stood out to me because I could relate it to this struggle with the eating disorder. "I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears"...."Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me. These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, it's just too much that time cannot erase". I've been feeling extremely conflicted lately; I've been trying to trust the program and eat peanut butter and cake and all that stuff I want to avoid, and now I've been bingeing almost every day since last Thursday. I knew I was right that trying that stuff in a 'safe' environment would lead to trouble outside of program.
Here`s the link to the video with the lyrics if you wanna check it out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu7QvOQKcKk
I got to have lunch in the cafeteria today. I ordered pasta with chicken and veggies, but then took all of the pasta out. It was white pasta, so I don`t think it would have been good to eat. I didn`t really look at what my other choices were, it was so busy in there that I just picked quickly and found somewhere to sit. I`m sure it was supposed to be 100% completion on the pasta, but none of the staff was there, so I figured it was fine to eat just the chicken and the veggies.
In psychotherapy, again hardly anyone talked. One of the girls talked about her struggle with the weight requirement, even though she thinks she is just fine at the weight she is. She looks totally healthy, but I guess she is not quite as medically stable as the staff would like her to be, so she needs to keep gaining weight for now. I feel really bad for her and the other girls in the same predicament. These so-called experts on the staff make it really hard to trust the program when so much of it doesn`t make sense. Since no one else brought up issues after that, I spoke up about my insecurity with Tony lately. I don`t know what`s going on, but since the weekend, he has been very quiet and distant (Not that he`s all that loud anyway, but it`s noticeably awkward these days). I think I have pointed out how much he`s done for me too much, and he`s realizing that he can do better. Every time I say how much he does for me, he doesn`t really say anything. Since I know he`s just like me, the fact that he`s not saying anything really speaks volumes. I keep asking him if everything is okay, and all he says is ``yeah``. I hardly saw him over the weekend, and in the evenings we just watch tv on separate couches. It is really bothering me. I think I need to start going back to my house. I think I have taken up too much of his space lately, and he is noticing.
One of the girls asked me how my weekend went, and asked if I had spent some time at home. As we talked about it, another one of the girls said that maybe it`s not my house I am afraid of being in, maybe I'm just afraid of being alone by myself. Since it doesn't seem to matter where I am lately, I am triggered to binge when Tony is out or has fallen asleep, so it's being with myself that is scary. Which brought me back to the first few weeks of treatment where we were challenged to spend time with ourselves, rather than just by ourselves. I guess I am just so uncomfortable with who I am, what's going on, and how I've screwed up so much of my life that I can't be comfortable when I am alone. But I know that I can't expect to never be alone for the rest of my life. I've always been independent, so I couldn't imagine needing to be supervised at all times. And that's totally the spot that I've put Tony in, and that's so unfair to him. It's not his responsibility to take care of me. It's my responsibility to take care of me, and I'm not so confident in my abilities these days.
After the baking snack (shortbread cookies today), I planned to go home and spend some time relaxing. I was still hungry, so I thought I would get a snack. Normal people have a snack when they are still hungry, right - so I stopped at Mac`s and got some trail mix and a dark chocolate bar. I wasn`t sure if this was a good idea, considering that I`d already had trail mix at the morning snack, and dark chocolate at Tony`s house for dessert later. But, I figured I needed to test myself, so I decided that if things got out of hand, then I would just leave. I portioned out my snack (I was quite surprised to find out that 1/4 cup of trail mix works out to be about the same as what they serve in program - maybe they're not trying to make me fat!), and sat down to catch up on some Grey's Anatomy. As soon as I finished eating, I wanted more, so I poured the rest of the trail mix in my bowl, broke up the rest of the chocolate bar, had a few bites.....and then was fine. I was able to leave the leftovers in the fridge, and wasn't triggered to binge after all. Wow, what a surprise.
After the episode was over, I went over to Tony's house. Again, it was very awkward; we ate dinner and then went upstairs to watch tv. We laid down on our respective separate couches, and fell asleep. I had been craving the rest of that dark chocolate bar that was in the freezer, so I ate that and a small handful of almonds (I'm not sure how many, I didn't count them out first). I ate that, fell asleep, then woke up later to have a rice cake with almond butter. And another one shortly after that. Fuck. That's a lot of snacking to be doing at night. One snack is enough, considering all the fat and sugar I had already eaten during the day. Probably ate all of the calories I burned in my workout from this morning. Goddamn.
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