Again, there were so many people today that it was very different from last week. Healing arts again this morning, which I never really enjoy. We had to make activity or leisure cards or inspirational sayings to put in a 'toolbox' to draw from when we are triggered. A good thing to have I suppose, but I am not really interested in decorating that kind of thing. Maybe if someone bought it from the store, I know they have little boxes of cards like that in Chapters, but I wouldn't buy it for myself. Or use it, I don't think. I just don't see myself drawing cards to figure out what to do with myself. I am very busy, and don't really have leisure time to do this. So I didn't really enjoy the activity.
Then it was break, no baking for me today, thank goodness! We had to have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. Great, bread and peanut butter! Followed up by psychotherapy! Where's the sarcastica font when you need it? Not that I was in a bad mood or anything, but I just was not feelin it today. One of the new girls spoke about needing to be in weight recovery but also hanging on to the desire to have a dancer's physique. Meaning she would need to lose weight when she finished the program; read by the staff as not being free of her eating disorder. Another woman spoke to this, about how she will lose weight once she leaves, but not let her eating disorder get out of control again. Some group members argued that she would still be controlled by the eating disorder, and that it would be best to trust in the program. It was quite triggering for me that these girls spoke of relapsing and losing weight; all I could think of was relapsing and gaining weight! For the last two years, I've gotten back into the healthy weight range and then relapsed and gained 20 - 25 pounds! I am NOT going back there! I don't want my eating disorder anymore, but at the same time, I don't want to live by the rules set by the program. I feel sometimes as if I am just modifying my eating disorder so that I don't have to give it up. Conflicted.
We had some gross fish and chips for dinner; I picked it because the other option was an omelette with two pieces of toast. No thanks, had enough bread at lunch. But the fish and chips were disgusting. I can't wait to start eating my own food again. We get to bring in our own lunch tomorrow, so I picked up a veggie burger, gluten-free hamburger bun, and some roasted veggie salad. Feels delicious, and better than the program veggie burgers. I really feel good shopping in the organic store. I really aspire to eat better, healthier organic food once I am done this program. I think that will improve my health quite a bit.
In checkout, I confessed that I was really wanting to go to the gym tonight. Lots of body image issues came up in psychotherapy; hearing those skinny girls talking about how much easier it was to be in their disorder, I felt like the fattest person in the room. Plus having to eat the baking, and that gross dinner, I just felt disgusting. I was challenged that maybe I didn't want to go to the gym, my eating disorder wants me to go to the gym, and that I know I need to have some relaxation and connection time with Tony tonight. I did want to go to the gym, but realized that the best thing would be for me to not work out. :(
It turns out Tony needed me to be with him tonight. He has been so wonderful and supportive, I needed to be with him when he needed support.
No comments:
Post a Comment