Oh Friday, here you are again. It feels like the week went by really quickly, which is great. Plus, this was my last full week of being at the program. I can't believe I only have 8 days left! We get Monday and Friday of next week off, so that is awesome.
In weekend planning, I told the group about how I was actively trying to keep the weekend unplanned, to allow for some flexibility and leisure time. As much as this kind of stresses me out, it is nice to actually have a free weekend for once. Luc was supposed to be with me this weekend, but his dad asked to take him to Edmonton for a family gathering. Since we didn't have any actual plans, I didn't mind, but I would like to start trying to spend some time alone with Luc in our house, and eventually build up to having 'unsupervised' sleep-overs. The few times that he has slept over at Tony's went well; the time we slept at Mum and Dad's, I over-ate that night. Not quite sure if it was a binge, but I don't want to be bringing snacks to bed at home anymore, and that will be a hard habit to break with Luc around. I was challenged by the staff to start spending leisure time at home, alone, since I am so afraid to be there. I just feel like I created such a toxic space there, that I associate being there with bingeing and purging. It's been 6 weeks without any behaviours like it used to be, but I feel like going back there might just take me back to where I don't want to be. Like any addiction, when you stop for awhile and then go back, you pick up where you left off, and it only gets worse from there. I'm particularly nervous because the urge to binge has been so strong lately. TMI, I know, but I think it is getting to be that time of the month, so maybe that's why I am having such strong urges and cravings, but it's been really hard not to give in.
Over the break, I met with the rec therapist, to talk a bit more about leisure time and how to plan for success over the weekend. She said that she has noticed a lot of changes in me since the start, and I have to agree with her. She mentioned that I have let my guard down quite a bit, and that is true. I think as long as I follow the general structure of the program, and put boundaries on my workout time (i.e. 3-4 days a week, for about 45 minutes) then I should be just fine. I am aware that with summer coming, I always have a weight loss goal to achieve, so I think I will have to just try to chill out on that this time around. Different, for sure, but probably good for me.
After lunch, we had the transition group, where we talked about environments and how they can affect us. Almost an extension from what I spoke about in the morning. I have spent small amounts of time at my apartment, but I feel like I need to redecorate or feng shui it or something, to get all the negative associations out before I can go back there. It is too soon to be moving in with Tony, so eventually I do have to go back there. Since that is an environment I have control of, I can decide whether or not it will be a positive or negative place to be. I think over the next couple months I will spend an hour a day there, cleaning up and maybe redecorating so that I can start going home again. It's been wonderful staying with Tony for the last few weeks, but again, maybe too soon to move in.
In Celebrating Successes, my challenge that turned into a success was definitely the shop/cook experience. Going grocery shopping, cooking and eating the pasta, eating the cake - it was all very overwhelming, but I got through it. I was really worried that eating the cake on Thursday would turn into a binge (sure felt like I was bingeing while I was eating it), but so far it seems to be okay. I have had really strong urges, but so far have been successful in fighting them off.
I took Luc to McDonald's for dinner, had my salad and snack wrap, so that was good. No burgers or fries for this girl! And coffee instead of diet coke. Water might have been better, but the coffee was okay. After that, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few snacks for the weekend. Not so sure that this was a good idea. I have been buying a lot of trail mix and nuts for Tony to eat, which makes me feel like an enabler. I know that his intention behind eating it is not the same as mine, but watching him go through it makes me want to eat it. And I did. On the drive over to his place, I had a couple handfuls of the trail mix, and then a little bit more at his house. Decided to have a healthy snack of celery and babybel cheese, but then got into more trail mix. We had been invited to a friend's house for drinks, but I wasn't sure I was feelin it. Tony suggested that he could just go there quickly, and right away, the E.D. voice was so loud "Yes, now we can eat!!". He asked me if I would be okay while he was gone, that I wouldn't "be stupid", and that really put things into perspective for me. I don't want to be secretly bingeing and purging behind his back, or behind anyone's back. I want to be okay to be alone for a couple hours without falling back into behaviours. So, I poured a glass of wine, painted my nails, and was okay. I did have a couple more handfuls of the trail mix, but I think that's okay. I decided to see how many calories I had eaten over the day (dumb idea, I know), and that was totally triggering. I didn't do anything about it, but was freakin out about how much I had eaten, not to mention the wine or trail mix I had all night! I am quite sure I have gained weight this week, I haven't worked out at all since last Sunday. So definitely something to do this weekend. I am going to focus on eating gluten- and lactose-free as much as possible; I really need to figure out WTF is making me break out constantly. So, weekend, let's be friends, and get along instead of working against each other!
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