Day 35

As soon as Tony left for work this morning, all I could think about was bingeing.  Not getting up and working out like I had planned last night, but no, instead I ate some white toast with Nutella and almond butter, then some rice cakes with almond butter,  while watching cartoons.  At like 6am in the morning.  I really didn't feel like going to program today, so I didn't.  Bad idea, I know.  But seriously, what are they going to do? Kick me out?  I have two days left.  So I went back to bed, and slept til 10:30.  Woke up, made some pancakes, smothered in almond butter and syrup - I thought I could be okay with having almond butter around, but obviously not.  I just opened it on Monday, now half the frickin' jar is gone.  I also ate the cookie and half and Aero bar that Luc left over the weekend.  I know he won't notice, but still -why can't I resist eating his food?  What kind of terrible mother constantly eats their kid's treats?  I'm so frustrated right now.  I really should have just gone to program today, that would have been much better than what I ended up doing.  I went home, and binged and purged.  Accidently locked Tony's cat in the bathroom too, so I think he was pretty mad at me for that.  I was going to go to the Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous meeting tonight, but I was still purging by the time I needed to leave.  Fuck.  Sometimes I wish I had anorexia instead of bulimia; it would seriously be so much easier to just not eat than to be so goddamn addicted to junk food.  I've probably gained 5 pounds in the last few days from all the over eating I've been doing, now my face is puffy and my throat hurts from throwing up.  What the fuck was the point of dropping out of school to get help to be right back where I started?  I know that it's a slippery slope, that relapse is an expected part of recovery, but it doesn't make it any easier.  I know that I can either keep on slipping back to where I started, or acknowledge the slip and keep climbing Recovery Mountain.  I am so frustrated that this is going to be a life-long battle for me; it was seriously so much easier to quit smoking or doing drugs than it has been to kick my eating disorder.  I really think the only way I can do this for good is to avoid all those bad foods.  Just stock up on fruits and veggies and stay away from bread and chocolate.  Trail mix too, I think.  It's just too risky.

Day 34

Monday night was okay; I had dinner and then basically fell asleep after taking migraine meds.  Today wasn't too bad.  I got to make my own breakfast; I got to program a bit late, so just had an english muffin with peanut butter.  Yes, I voluntarily chose bread and peanut butter for breakfast, and ate it.  Well, if I had time I would have had eggs and oatmeal, but I wasn't feeling stressed out about it after eating it.  I've had english muffins with peanut butter a few times lately, and it seems like bread and peanut butter is getting a little less scary lately.

I chose to go to healing arts today; we had the music session where we got to bring in our songs.  I have been listening to 'My Immortal' by Evanescence lately; at first the song made me think of Amy, but the more I listened to it, the more it represented the place I'm in right now.  So many of the lyrics stood out to me because I could relate it to this struggle with the eating disorder.  "I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears"...."Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me.  These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, it's just too much that time cannot erase".  I've been feeling extremely conflicted lately; I've been trying to trust the program and eat peanut butter and cake and all that stuff I want to avoid, and now I've been bingeing almost every day since last Thursday.  I knew I was right that trying that stuff in a 'safe' environment would lead to trouble outside of program. 

Here`s the link to the video with the lyrics if you wanna check it out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu7QvOQKcKk

I got to have lunch in the cafeteria today.  I ordered pasta with chicken and veggies, but then took all of the pasta out.  It was white pasta, so I don`t think it would have been good to eat.  I didn`t really look at what my other choices were, it was so busy in there that I just picked quickly and found somewhere to sit.  I`m sure it was supposed to be 100% completion on the pasta, but none of the staff was there, so I figured it was fine to eat just the chicken and the veggies.

In psychotherapy, again hardly anyone talked.  One of the girls talked about her struggle with the weight requirement, even though she thinks she is just fine at the weight she is.  She looks totally healthy, but I guess she is not quite as medically stable as the staff would like her to be, so she needs to keep gaining weight for now.  I feel really bad for her and the other girls in the same predicament.  These so-called experts on the staff make it really hard to trust the program when so much of it doesn`t make sense.  Since no one else brought up issues after that, I spoke up about my insecurity with Tony lately.  I don`t know what`s going on, but since the weekend, he has been very quiet and distant (Not that he`s all that loud anyway, but it`s noticeably awkward these days).  I think I have pointed out how much he`s done for me too much, and he`s realizing that he can do better.  Every time I say how much he does for me, he doesn`t really say anything.  Since I know he`s just like me, the fact that he`s not saying anything really speaks volumes.  I keep asking him if everything is okay, and all he says is ``yeah``.  I hardly saw him over the weekend, and in the evenings we just watch tv on separate couches.  It is really bothering me.  I think I need to start going back to my house.  I think I have taken up too much of his space lately, and he is noticing.

One of the girls asked me how my weekend went, and asked if I had spent some time at home.  As we talked about it, another one of the girls said that maybe it`s not my house I am afraid of being in, maybe I'm just afraid of being alone by myself.  Since it doesn't seem to matter where I am lately, I am triggered to binge when Tony is out or has fallen asleep, so it's being with myself that is scary.  Which brought me back to the first few weeks of treatment where we were challenged to spend time with ourselves, rather than just by ourselves.  I guess I am just so uncomfortable with who I am, what's going on, and how I've screwed up so much of my life that I can't be comfortable when I am alone.  But I know that I can't expect to never be alone for the rest of my life.  I've always been independent, so I couldn't imagine needing to be supervised at all times.  And that's totally the spot that I've put Tony in, and that's so unfair to him.  It's not his responsibility to take care of me.  It's my responsibility to take care of me, and I'm not so confident in my abilities these days.

After the baking snack (shortbread cookies today), I planned to go home and spend some time relaxing.  I was still hungry, so I thought I would get a snack.  Normal people have a snack when they are still hungry, right - so I stopped at Mac`s and got some trail mix and a dark chocolate bar.  I wasn`t sure if this was a good idea, considering that I`d already had trail mix at the morning snack, and dark chocolate at Tony`s house for dessert later.  But, I figured I needed to test myself, so I decided that if things got out of hand, then I would just leave.  I portioned out my snack (I was quite surprised to find out that 1/4 cup of trail mix works out to be about the same as what they serve in program - maybe they're not trying to make me fat!), and sat down to catch up on some Grey's Anatomy.  As soon as I finished eating, I wanted more, so I poured the rest of the trail mix in my bowl, broke up the rest of the chocolate bar, had a few bites.....and then was fine.  I was able to leave the leftovers in the fridge, and wasn't triggered to binge after all.  Wow, what a surprise.

After the episode was over, I went over to Tony's house.  Again, it was very awkward; we ate dinner and then went upstairs to watch tv.  We laid down on our respective separate couches, and fell asleep.  I had been craving the rest of that dark chocolate bar that was in the freezer, so I ate that and a small handful of almonds (I'm not sure how many, I didn't count them out first).  I ate that, fell asleep, then woke up later to have a rice cake with almond butter.  And another one shortly after that.  Fuck.  That's a lot of snacking to be doing at night.  One snack is enough, considering all the fat and sugar I had already eaten during the day.  Probably ate all of the calories I burned in my workout from this morning.  Goddamn.

Day 33

Talk about a shift in perspective!  When I wrote about the weekend this morning, I was feeling pretty negative, but now am feeling much better.  The day went well; I didn't have to go to program until after lunch, but ate my breakfast and snack according to program times, and made lunch that would have been acceptable.  In Nutrition Planning, we talked about food in the pantry.  I spoke about how at home, there is a 'good' side and a 'bad' side of the cupboards.  Same with the freezer too, I guess.  I buy Luc candy quite a bit, any time he asks for it, or when I want an excuse to binge.  He is good about having a few bites, and stopping when he's had enough.  Which means I have a lot of candy and sugary stuff in the cupboard, which is generally off-limits for me, except when I was bingeing.  Which I always felt awful about when I would binge on his Halloween candy, or Easter chocolate, or whatever was in there.  (I know I'm not the only parent who has eaten their kids' candy, but I still feel guilty about it).  I'm experiencing the same thing staying at Tony's house; he's got white bread, and peanut butter, and Nutella, and huge containers of salty cashews and nuts, which are 'bad', and I shouldn't be eating them.  I don't know that he would mind if I asked him if I could eat it, but the few times that I have it's been during a binge.  And I don't want that anymore.  So I've decided that living with boys who don't care about calories means there will be 'bad' food in the cupboard, but that's okay.  It can just be there.  I can eat it if I want to, or not, but it doesn't have to be off-limits for me anymore.  If I take the stigma away from the food, then it has less power over me.  Peanut butter can just be peanut butter, and I can eat it, and that's fine.

The next group of the day was Emotional and Physical Relationships, although we didn't really talk much about that at all.  Some of the girls were feeling quite stressed about going over their expected weight gain, and having to gain more weight on top of the for the next four weeks (so glad I don't have a weight requirement to stay in program, that would be far too stressful).  The program wants everyone to reach a healthy BMI, around 20 - 22.  The healthy range is 18.5 - 24.9, so this is totally normal.  But for these girls, who were underweight, going from a BMI of 17 or less to more than 20 is really hard to accept (each point represents a 5 pound weight difference, so this means about a 20 pound weight gain, which is equivalent to the worst torture imaginable in the eyes of someone with an eating disorder).  So anyway, the discussion is about where we find our voices in the struggle between making the eating disorder happy, and making the program happy.  We've all had similar struggles, so particular issues we discussed were who decides what healthy looks like, whose choice it is to relinquish the scale to the dietician, and whose expectations are we living up to.  I didn't say much at first, so when the therapist asked me how I was feeling, I spoke up about how difficult it was (is?) to live up to my own expectations.  I spoke about the secret competition I had with Amy, about how I always felt like I had to be thinner and prettier to be completely better than her.  Which I feel really guilty about.  Why did I feel the need to always be better than her?  Was it for attention?  I don't need to be better than her, I am just different from her.  If anything, she tried hard to be as different from me as she could.  She was the one who was always being compared to me - I always felt like I was living in her shadow, but she had big shoes to fill, following in my footsteps.  So she made darn sure to carve out her own path in life!  I guess what I feel most guilty about is that in all the superficial competitiveness, I didn't really appreciate her for who she was.  Now she's gone, I won the competition because I'm still alive.  How awful is that?  When she first died, a lot of people said that I would need to grieve the relationship I didn't have with my sister; I disagreed.  Not so much now.  A set of twins I have known since grade 2 are expecting babies within about 6 weeks of each other; when I first found out, I was really sad that I won't have that experience with my sister.  Not that I thought it would ever happen, I am just sad that it won't.

Hmm, kind of got off on a tangent there.  I told the group about my success with the scale yesterday - not waking Luc up and dragging him to the gym (or leaving him with Tony) so that I could find out how much I weighed was really a big step for me.

The Weekend

Saturday went well, again it was mostly just Luc and I.  Tony was out in the morning, so I worked out and showered, while Luc played on the iPad.  I told Luc that there would be boundaries on device time over the weekend, he wasn't too pleased with that.  He is so addicted to the iPad and my phone, and I want him to wait until after breakfast to play on the devices.  And of course he argued with that.

We went to pick up the car in the afternoon; Luc and I went home afterward to feed Sylvester.  The morning had gone well as far as following the meal plan - breakfast, followed by a workout, then a snack, and lunch.  When we got home, I started snacking on candy that was on the table.  I really need to get that out of the house.  We could have stayed longer at home, but I needed to get out of there before I totally raided the cupboards for more candy.  I had picked up an organic trail mix bar when we stopped at 7-11 for the post office, so I ate some of that before we stopped at the grocery store.  I had to pick up stuff that I had forgotten the day before.  Luc asked me for a Lego set while we were there.  I am really having difficulty saying no to him.  I had let him buy junk food at 7-11, and that was kind of triggering for me.  I looked at buying some dark chocolate and mints to have on hand for cravings.  They have been so bad lately, that trying to avoid the cravings altogether lead to that nasty binge on Thursday.  I couldn't find the right mints, so I bought an 85% dark chocolate bar to eat at night.

We got through the grocery store fairly well, Luc was good about not asking for treats, but I did cave on the Lego set.  Why he needs another set, I don't know, but I have so much trouble saying no to him.  We went back to Tony's, cooked up some dinner, and then he went to a hockey game.  So just Luc and I again.  The evening went well though; we built some Lego, had a snack, and then watched tv.  Luc was very snack-y as usual; I managed to stick with the apple, dark chocolate and rice cake that I had allowed for a snack.  So that was a success.

Sunday morning I wanted to go to the gym, but realized that it was more to weigh myself than to actually do the spin class.  Luc was sleeping when I was up and wanting to leave for the gym, so I decided to just do a workout DVD instead.  Waking him up to go to the gym just so I could weigh myself (being quite sure that I gained weight this week anyway) would not really be productive.  Had my snack, showered, ate lunch, then Luc and I left.  I feel like I need to talk to Tony about how things are going; I am feeling insecure about how distant he was over the weekend, but I will talk to him before I talk about him on here.

We went to a friend's house for a bit before going to dinner at my parent's house.  I could feel a headache coming on, which I thought was low blood sugar.  I had a small snack at my friend's, but then ate quite a few chips at my parents'.  I know it is okay to eat some chips on the weekend; it's not the end of the world, but I am feeling guilty about that.  Dinner went well, I served myself, and stuck to proper portion sizes, I even ate broccoli and cauliflower with cheese sauce, rather than asking for it just plain.  But as soon as I started putting it on my plate, E.D. jumped in with some judgement there.  After dinner, my headache was stronger; definitely a migraine starting.  I was feeling pretty sad looking at my sister's picture on the mantle; I have been struggling lately with some grief that I need to work on in some individual counseling sessions.

After I dropped Luc off at his dad's, I had to put some gas in my car, and bought some M&Ms.  I had been thinking about buying some since dinner; I knew I didn't need them, and really shouldn't be eating them, but is it okay to want some once in awhile?  I don't know.  It's a slippery slope, and I have to be very careful about getting too close to the edge.  Should have just bought the single serving pack, instead of the bag with 3 servings in it.  Once I got to Tony's, I decided to have a healthy snack of dark chocolate and blueberries.  It would have been fine without the M&Ms first.  So I am not sure about how I feel about that.  I know it's okay to have a treat once in awhile, but after Thursday's binge, Friday's emotional eating, and the chips before dinner, I feel like it was way too much.  I want to be in much better shape for the summer, so this week was not a good start for that.

I'm not really sure what was behind all the over-eating this week; hormones, stress about finishing the program and my car needing so much work, emotions, I don't know.  But I am not feeling so confident about going into the last week of program (it's definitely helped, but my problems are far from solved), so I'll just have to take it one day at a time.

Friday

I realized that yesterday I was so caught up in the excessive binge that I didn't even write about how the program went that day.  I guess I was just so focused on what I ate that I couldn't even think about the sessions.  We had another DBT session with Lana, and learned more about interpersonal effectiveness.  We had learned a bit about this the week before, but it was a lot of information in a short amount of time, so not too much of it sunk in.  This week, we learned about how we can ask for things from people, or say no, while preserving the relationship and our self-respect.  It made me think a lot about how I am constantly asking Tony for things - can he support me, can Luc and I stay at his house, can we do this, can he do that for me; but also saying no to invitations to social events.  I do enjoy staying in with Tony, but maybe I am getting too clingy and dependent on him, and should start spending more time with other people.  Which brings me to Friday, which was another day off.

The day started out well; I got up at 8, ate breakfast, worked out and showered.  Tony came home from work around 12.  My car was in the shop today; it needed an oil change, plus a whole bunch of other work that I can't afford.  I had to get Tony to drive me around to get Luc, and to go grocery shopping.  He seemed to be okay with that, but was noticeably frustrated that evening when Luc kept making a Lego mess all over the table and losing pieces.  I had asked Tony if he was okay with us staying with him for the weekend, because I am not quite sure I am ready to have Luc on my own at home yet.  He didn't really say yes or no, and I could feel a bit of tension there.  He went out for the evening, so it was just Luc and I for the night.  I over-ate again, I was frustrated and emotional after talking with my Mum about my car - the car is in pretty bad shape because I haven't been maintaining it properly, and I can't afford a new one.  Or to fix the one I have.  Plus, my grandpa was in the hospital again for another TIA, so I am worried about him.  So I ate white bread with peanut butter and nutella, mixed nuts, and popcorn.  Not excessive, but after Thursday's binge, this was unacceptable.  No purging, but still.  This program is supposed to help me deal with strong emotions without turning to food, and it looks like I turned to food instead of support.  So not too sure about how I feel about that.

Day 32

Awful, awful, terrible day!  I was so hungry when I woke up, I was craving food so badly.  I had decided not to work out in the morning, since my hamstrings were still sore from Tuesday's workout.  Bad idea.  Should have gotten my lazy ass out of bed and just done it.  As I was getting ready, I decided to eat some cashews and mixed nuts.  I feel really guilty about this; it wasn't a huge binge, but was definitely a binge.  It wasn't my food that I was bingeing on, so I feel bad about raiding Tony's cupboard and eating stuff that he bought.  I am not sure if he would be upset with me for it, but I still feel gross about it.  I tried to purge afterward, but didn't have a lot of time, so wasn't successful.  On the way to program, I stopped for coffee, and bought a small bag of M&Ms.  Just like in my coke days, I couldn't wait to rip open the bag and get my fix before even leaving the parking lot.  It was the same rush I got back then, and every time I've relapsed over the last few years with food.  Hate it.

At program, I got to pick my own snack, so I picked trail mix and yogurt.  So much for not eating dairy.  As I was eating, all I could think about was how I should have picked some cookies to eat.  Even though I am sure the staff didn't think I was bingeing, it sure felt like it.  I was supposed to bring my lunch today too, but forgot in my binge-haze from the morning.  So I had to have a grilled cheese sandwich, along with the rest of the girls.  It took me a bit of time to get my milk and veggies ready; by the time I sat down, I thought I only had 15 minutes to eat.  So I chowed down as quickly as I could, totally feeling like I was bingeing.  The other girls had a lot more food to eat than I did - they had a sandwich, soup, yogurt, fruit, veggies and dessert, so I felt unjustified complaining about eating a sandwich and veggies with hummus.  But I still felt like I was bingeing.  I was so full after lunch, the relaxation period before body image group was nice.  I wanted to fall asleep.  We watched Killing Us Softly 3, which is a great film about the media representation of women in advertising. 

For afternoon snack, we got to go to the cafeteria.  I chose a lemon-raspberry loaf, and cheese; quite an unusual snack for me.  Usually, I pick a fruit cup and a granola square, but the dessert the girls had at lunch looked so good, I wanted something like that too. 

After snack was over, the urge to binge was so strong.  I waited for the girls to leave, then went back to the cafeteria to stock up on brownies, cookies, and diet coke.  I had an appointment for a facial at 3:30, so waited until after to eat.  I went home, stopped at Mac's on my way for some M&Ms.  As soon as I got home, I started eating, and ate until I was finished.  Then tried to purge.  I guess it's been awhile, so I couldn't really do it.  I didn't really try that hard either, but still.  I was so full from eating so much, and just felt disgusting for doing it.  I went over to Tony's after, and told him what I had done.  He didn't get upset with me, which was what I was worried about.  I wasn't going to eat dinner that night, but then decided I should eat the left-over shrimp pad thai from last night.  It was really spicy, so I ate some yogurt afterward.  Felt like a binge again.  I guess I can accept the slip-up today, and get back on track tomorrow; I know that it is normal to relapse while in transition, but it is really disappointing, since I had been doing so well up until now with resisting cravings.  I don't know if I was legitimately hungry this morning, or if it was because of hormones and "that time of the month" that I just couldn't keep the cravings at bay.  I feel really gross about it.  I wanted to work out that night, but the dermatologist had said that I shouldn't work out, since the sweat might interfere with the chemical treatment on my skin.  So, tomorrow is my chance for redemption.  I can eat a proper breakfast, workout, and eat well throughout the day.  It is very tempting to tell myself just to not eat on Friday, but I know that is not the best idea.  Too much restricting leads to bingeing, and I know that, it's just hard to stay on track with the meal plan after going over my calories so much today.

Day 31

Wednesday.  I was there for most of the day, I went in for breakfast, and stayed until the afternoon snack.  Because it is a short week, we focused on weekend planning in the first group, rather than goal setting.  This weekend, I will have Luc, and I need to start trying to spend time at home, which makes me nervous.  I asked Tony if he will come over with me, just so we can spend some leisure time there, and he agreed.  I explained that I am anxious because of relapse potential, and he was very supportive.  I am very grateful that he has been so supportive going through this with me.

The nutrition processing group was interesting; this group is kind of like psychotherapy, but with respect to food.  So no topic to focus on, we can bring whatever issue we have to the discussion.  One of the new girls brought up her frustration with another group member.  Could have been a blow-out, and there was quite a bit of tension in the room.  The girls handled it fairly well, he facilitators jumped in whenever the discussion got too heated.  It was a great opportunity to discuss trust within the group, and it is hard when there is tension between certain members.  So hopefully over the next few weeks, those girls are able to work through the tension.  It seems like things with the rest of the group are going well, so that's great. 

Snacks and meals went well; I didn't have to bring anything, or make my own snacks, so that took a lot of pressure off.  I did track my calories that night though; that was very triggering for me.  Of course it was so many calories, I kind of freaked out about it.  Tony ate some mixed nuts later that night, and I had a couple handfuls.  I know it is okay to have snacks at night, and I think it was in moderation, but I still felt bad about eating.  I've been doing so well with not eating at night, that it is hard to be okay with having a snack after dinner. 

Day 30 (Tuesday)

Day one of transition.  I only had to go for half a day; so I slept in a bit, worked out, and then headed to my appointment with the OT at 11.  We discussed 'returning to life after program'.  I feel like I am getting out jail or something.  We talked about going back to school and possibly work; I am registered to take Anatomy and Physiology over the spring and summer semesters, but I am not sure if I will have to work part-time as well.  I have to be very cautious about not taking on too much; I really need to be careful in my planning and scheduling, making sure that I have time for myself as well as obligations.  We talked about the possibility of part-time work, and what sort of jobs would be appropriate for me.  Anything with food or clothing is out of the question (too triggering for me), but there's not much I can do with my psych degree at this point.  So maybe something in the Kinesiology field would be interesting.  Natalie challenged me on my motivation to take KNES in the first place; was it my choice, or was the eating disorder involved in that?  I'm not too sure; I guess the personal trainer image probably influenced my decision to want to do this degree in the first place.  I am legitimately interested in learning about health, fitness, and nutrition, but I suppose there is a bit of an ulterior motive there.  It's kind of a requirement that trainers or fitness professionals look and eat a certain way; who would trust a fat personal trainer with an eating disorder?  I know I wouldn't.  But I don't think that it was the eating disorder that decided I should do this degree just so I can justify looking a certain way.  It's more than just the look; I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, and I was interested in being a fitness instructor or working at a gym long before the eating disorder kicked in.  So I think I will have to reflect on my intentions before I start looking at jobs, and seriously consider what would be a healthy choice for me.

I got to bring my lunch today, I packed some left-over chicken, rice and veggies from the weekend.  I had to stay for the psychotherapy group; we talked about hard family situations, and how we feel the urge to help, even if we may not have much control.  A couple of the girls have had some difficult experiences with family members where they wanted to help, but weren't really able to.  Rings a bell for me; very similar to how I tried to help with Amy, even though a lot of it was out of my control.  I suppose I should have let Mum and Dad deal with everything with her; it wasn't really my place to try to save her all the time, or rush over to the police station or offer to be involved with the media interviews.  Didn't really do much good anyway, but I guess those failed attempts at control contributed to why my eating disorder got worse after she died.  My responsibility lies with Luc and his upbringing, not with my sister, so I really need to get healthy so that I can be there for Luc when he needs me.  I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not being there for him over the last couple years.

The long weekend

Once again, I am behind on posting here.  The weekend went pretty well; I went to my grandparents' house on Saturday to talk to them about car repairs.  Spent the evening with Tony; he made some parmesan-crusted chicken.  It was good, but the cheese and mayo in the crust made me nervous, so I scraped most of it off.  On Sunday, I went to the gym, then we just hung out at Tony's.  I had purposely not made plans, so I ended up just watching movies in the afternoon while Tony took a nap.  It was a good afternoon.  I had lunch, and a snack, and wasn't triggered to binge while I was alone.  Monday was pretty similar; gym in the morning, lunch, then relaxing.  I wasn't feeling well in the afternoon, so just laid on the couch watching movies.  I got to pick up Luc for dinner, again we went to McDonald's.  I still wasn't feeling well, so I just ate a few fries and had some green tea.  We went to a friend's house after dinner to do some haircuts and have a visit, then I took Luc back to his dad's.

Not too many struggles over the weekend, just lots and lots of cravings.  I just want to eat so much!  I have been following my meal plan as much as I can, eating regular meals and snacks, so I'm not really sure why the cravings are so strong right now.  But, I got through the weekend without any behaviours, so that was a success.

Day 29

Oh Friday, here you are again.  It feels like the week went by really quickly, which is great.  Plus, this was my last full week of being at the program.  I can't believe I only have 8 days left!  We get Monday and Friday of next week off, so that is awesome. 

In weekend planning, I told the group about how I was actively trying to keep the weekend unplanned, to allow for some flexibility and leisure time.  As much as this kind of stresses me out, it is nice to actually have a free weekend for once.  Luc was supposed to be with me this weekend, but his dad asked to take him to Edmonton for a family gathering.  Since we didn't have any actual plans, I didn't mind, but I would like to start trying to spend some time alone with Luc in our house, and eventually build up to having 'unsupervised' sleep-overs.  The few times that he has slept over at Tony's went well; the time we slept at Mum and Dad's, I over-ate that night.  Not quite sure if it was a binge, but I don't want to be bringing snacks to bed at home anymore, and that will be a hard habit to break with Luc around.  I was challenged by the staff to start spending leisure time at home, alone, since I am so afraid to be there.  I just feel like I created such a toxic space there, that I associate being there with bingeing and purging.  It's been 6 weeks without any behaviours like it used to be, but I feel like going back there might just take me back to where I don't want to be.  Like any addiction, when you stop for awhile and then go back, you pick up where you left off, and it only gets worse from there.  I'm particularly nervous because the urge to binge has been so strong lately.  TMI, I know, but I think it is getting to be that time of the month, so maybe that's why I am having such strong urges and cravings, but it's been really hard not to give in.

Over the break, I met with the rec therapist, to talk a bit more about leisure time and how to plan for success over the weekend.  She said that she has noticed a lot of changes in me since the start, and I have to agree with her.  She mentioned that I have let my guard down quite a bit, and that is true.  I think as long as I follow the general structure of the program, and put boundaries on my workout time (i.e. 3-4 days a week, for about 45 minutes) then I should be just fine.  I am aware that with summer coming, I always have a weight loss goal to achieve, so I think I will have to just try to chill out on that this time around.  Different, for sure, but probably good for me.

After lunch, we had the transition group, where we talked about environments and how they can affect us.  Almost an extension from what I spoke about in the morning.  I have spent small amounts of time at my apartment, but I feel like I need to redecorate or feng shui it or something, to get all the negative associations out before I can go back there.  It is too soon to be moving in with Tony, so eventually I do have to go back there.  Since that is an environment I have control of, I can decide whether or not it will be a positive or negative place to be.  I think over the next couple months I will spend an hour a day there, cleaning up and maybe redecorating so that I can start going home again.  It's been wonderful staying with Tony for the last few weeks, but again, maybe too soon to move in.

In Celebrating Successes, my challenge that turned into a success was definitely the shop/cook experience.  Going grocery shopping, cooking and eating the pasta, eating the cake - it was all very overwhelming, but I got through it.  I was really worried that eating the cake on Thursday would turn into a binge (sure felt like I was bingeing while I was eating it), but so far it seems to be okay.  I have had really strong urges, but so far have been successful in fighting them off.

I took Luc to McDonald's for dinner, had my salad and snack wrap, so that was good.  No burgers or fries for this girl!  And coffee instead of diet coke.  Water might have been better, but the coffee was okay.  After that, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few snacks for the weekend.  Not so sure that this was a good idea.  I have been buying a lot of trail mix and nuts for Tony to eat, which makes me feel like an enabler.  I know that his intention behind eating it is not the same as mine, but watching him go through it makes me want to eat it.  And I did.  On the drive over to his place, I had a couple handfuls of the trail mix, and then a little bit more at his house.  Decided to have a healthy snack of celery and babybel cheese, but then got into more trail mix.  We had been invited to a friend's house for drinks, but I wasn't sure I was feelin it.  Tony suggested that he could just go there quickly, and right away, the E.D. voice was so loud "Yes, now we can eat!!".  He asked me if I would be okay while he was gone, that I wouldn't "be stupid", and that really put things into perspective for me.  I don't want to be secretly bingeing and purging behind his back, or behind anyone's back.  I want to be okay to be alone for a couple hours without falling back into behaviours.  So, I poured a glass of wine, painted my nails, and was okay.  I did have a couple more handfuls of the trail mix, but I think that's okay.  I decided to see how many calories I had eaten over the day (dumb idea, I know), and that was totally triggering.  I didn't do anything about it, but was freakin out about how much I had eaten, not to mention the wine or trail mix I had all night!  I am quite sure I have gained weight this week, I haven't worked out at all since last Sunday.  So definitely something to do this weekend.  I am going to focus on eating gluten- and lactose-free as much as possible; I really need to figure out WTF is making me break out constantly.  So, weekend, let's be friends, and get along instead of working against each other!

Day 28

Today actually wasn't too bad.  In Managing Strong Emotions, we continued on with the lessons about DBT; I think I might actually look into taking some courses on it, because I like the concept of it and would like to learn more.  Psychotherapy was alright; we started out talking about coffee and addiction for the first half hour; no one really had any issues to bring up.  Although I think we all have issues to bring up, we just seem to be hesitant to do so.  I don't mind bringing things up, I just feel sometimes like I talk so much that I am not giving anyone else a chance to speak.

For lunch, I had that pasta again.  It was really bland.  I had asked if I could add some basil or something, but because I forgot to check with the OT to see if this was okay, I wasn't allowed.  I ate the dessert too, trying to trust in the program that I could eat some dessert in moderation without it turning into a binge.  Well, the whole meal felt like a binge.  I was full before I even finished the pasta, so it really doesn't make sense that they are telling us to learn how to trust our natural hunger and satiety cues, but then tell us to override it once in a while and have dessert.  I really wasn't too sure if eating the cake would go over well or not.

In the building strengths group, we started with a relaxation exercise, which was difficult to focus on because I was so full.  After that, we had to write a love letter or valentine letter to ourselves, about how great we are and all that crap.  I had a hard time with that, because I don't see what everyone else does.

Over the break I went to the mall to do a bit of shopping.  Why do I keep trying stuff on when I know it's just going to make me feel miserable?  Lots of body image stuff going on there. 

I had a few opportunities to binge, but I just kept putting it off.  This strategy seems to be working so far, but I don't know if it will be successful in the long run.  It's working for now, so that's good.  The night was a success; I drank a bit of wine, and wanted ice cream when Tony was going to go get some fast food.  Luckily, he changed his mind, and I was able to talk myself out of it.  I didn't really want ice cream anyway.

Day 27

Today wasn't too bad, even with the fettucine.  In goal setting group, we talked about how "yes, but..." can get in the way of achieving goals.  In the discussion, we acknowledged that making excuses can get in the way of achieving goals, but can also be used to justify why we should follow through on them.  The goal I set for the week is a bit of an extension from last week's goal; this time to be mindful of what is going on when I feel angry, resentful or stubborn (putting up a wall in response to a challenge from someone) and to journal about it 3 times before next Wednesday.  I didn't journal about the triggers as much as I could have, so this week my personal challenge is to actually do it.

In Nutrition Education, we talked about metabolism.  It was interesting.  Very scientific and factual, so right up my alley.  The dieticians didn't go into as much detail as I would have liked, there are still some blank spots to be filled in, but overall, the message we got was that reducing energy intake and/or increasing energy output creates an imbalance in the total energy expenditure equation, with negative results to the body.  Which I know instinctively - over-restricting or over-exercising has detrimental physiological effects.  It's easy to "yes, but..." around this fact, but deep down I know that to be healthy, I need a good balance of nutrition and exercise for optimal health.

Then came dinner.  Not the big ordeal I was afraid it might be, but not really enjoyable either.  The pasta portion was really big; if I had ordered that at a restaurant I would have taken half of it home.  The pasta was pretty bland; I didn't know if I was allowed to add spices or seasonings, since they are so particular about what is okay and what isn't.  When I cook, I usually put all kinds of stuff in there.  The recipe called for garlic, salt and pepper, so it was pretty bland.  And cold by the time I ate it.  I had to portion it out and then discuss strategies to get through it with the OT.  She talked to me so long that by the time I sat down, we were ten minutes into dinner already!  Fortunately, I didn't need the whole entire time to eat, but I was full, bloated and uncomfortable by the time I finished.  I stopped eating fettucine alfredo when I had gallstones at 18, and I don't know if I have eaten it since.  It used to make me sick then, and kind of made me sick tonight.  I think I might be mildly lactose-intolerant, so all the cheese and milk and cream was a bit much.  I had a couple bites of dessert, but not too much.  Too triggering.  You would tell a newly-sober alcoholic to drink in moderation, then send them home and expect them not to over-indulge, so it's not right to do the same to a sugar junkie.  The urge to binge was so strong all night, it was awful.  I felt like trying to purge before leaving the hospital, but didn't.  So, that's a big success!

Day 26

Another emotional day.  Seems like the theme for the week so far.  In Healing Arts, we painted wooden boxes that will serve as "recovery toolboxes"- we can fill them up with leisure activities, coping strategies, positive affirmations, successes, etc.  It was fun.  I enjoyed it this time because painting seemed like less pressure than designing or drawing something.  I'm not sure if I'll use the toolbox for its intended purposes, but maybe use it for something.

I had a session with my case manager, to discuss my reactions to challenges.  She said that I have a tendency to shut down and 'pout' when someone disagrees with me.  Yup, I would agree with that.  I feel like I am constantly stating my case, with valid facts to back it up, and am told every time by the staff that it's my eating disorder talking.  It's very frustrating!  I know that I'm stubborn, and that it doesn't help me at all to shut down and not even consider the help they are giving, but it would be nice if they would at least listen to my  point of view.  The phrases we came up with to describe how I feel in those situations were "You don't understand me, you don't respect me, I'm not being heard" which leads me to be angry and resentful toward the person who is not listening.  Definitely something to think about; this is not the first time I have had this reaction, so I was challenged to figure out what is going on when I feel that way.  We discussed more of the anger and resentment I had been feeling towards Amy and my Mum, and how I will need to address these issues, otherwise they will keep manifesting in different ways.

After that, I had to go grocery shopping with the occupational therapist.  I really don't like her.  She is just a bitch.  She kept telling me things like "How can you set your self up for success, instead of failure, which I know you are good at doing" and "This is something you have to do, so how can you make the best of it?"  Talk about stubbornness and resentment!  I did find myself shutting down during her 'pep talk' because I was upset about how rude she was.  She was there to support me, but it wasn't supportive at all, because I had to do all these things I didn't want to do.  Go grocery shopping and don't look at labels, don't buy low calorie or reduced-fat items, peruse the dessert aisle and pick something.  Why don't you just stick bamboo shoots under my fingernails while holding my head under water, because it's about the same amount of torture.  Picking the food items wasn't too bad, I was frustrated picking out the dairy items - seriously, what is wrong with buying skim milk, low-fat sour cream or light cheese?  Picking the dessert was more stressful than I expected.  I didn't even want to look at it, but it was "something I had to do".  I experienced some very strong emotions out of fear of even looking at the desserts, because it's that easy to trigger a binge.  Especially since I have been feeling like bingeing lately, so having to pick out a dessert that I have to eat was really uncomfortable.  I realize that tearing up in the grocery store over chocolate cake tells me that I really do have a problem with food, but deep down, I know it's not about the food at all.  It was the complete lack of control that was the real issue.  If the dessert was optional, it wouldn't have been an issue.  But because it was something I had to do, then it was that much more difficult.  The OT challenged me to come up with a strategy to make it easier to get through.  My preference is just to remove myself from the experience as much as I can, but apparently that is not helpful.

Psychotherapy went really well.  We talked about how I was reluctant to give up certain behaviours (that I would strongly argue are NOT eating disordered, but am constantly told that by the program) because it is an issue that most people are struggling with.  Of course, again it boiled down to "it's not about the food, it's about what is going on internally that we use food to cover up those feelings".  The session was a bit difficult for  me, because most of the girls in the group are restricters, so their pursuit of health lead them down the path towards hospitalization.  I had a different experience.  When I ate healthy and worked out appropriately, I felt really good!  No, I guess all of the external things weren't making me happy, but I was happy with my body for that short period of time.  It was depression that made me turn to food, and binge like crazy, and it was the weight gain that lead to more and more behaviours.  So I honestly believe that following the clean eating lifestyle I had before would be better for me than just eating what I feel like, because it tastes good.  I know from experience that this gets me into trouble, but I keep being told that I need to learn how to trust my body to eat properly without having to follow a formula.  Well, that just doesn't work for me.  The bottom line of the session was that I need to learn what truly makes me happy - I know that eating a certain way or having a particular body size isn't the key to happiness, but it is a step ahead of where I am right now, and where I've been for the last two years.  I told the group that I don't know what I need to make myself happy.  I've done all these things that are "supposed" to make me happy - having a baby, going to school, getting married - none of those things has made me happy!  So now, I have a good relationship, which makes me happy, but I am still struggling with everything else.  I am really in the same position I was in 10 years ago, only the addiction then was drugs.  I was struggling with going to school, grieving a loss (back then was my best friend, this time it's Amy), trying to find happiness in a relationship, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, body image issues, and struggling to cope with strong emotions.  So it's not about the food at all.  I need to fix these internal issues if I am going to ever be free of addiction.  Feels like I will be in therapy for a long time to come.

The sentiment I left with was that if everything I do to make myself happy eventually makes me miserable (going to school, becoming a hair stylist, having a baby, getting married/seeking a relationship, losing weight, exercising), then what's the point?  If this is constantly going to be as good as it gets, then fuck it, I give up.  Clearly I don't know how to make myself happy, and seeking external things to make me happy only works in the short term, then why even bother?  So I really don't know what to do at this point.  If getting help for my eating disorder is only a temporary fix but doesn't deal with anything else, then I am constantly going to have the same struggles.  I am happy in my relationship now, but as far as parenting goes, that needs major work.  I'm not happy with my body, I don't really have a clear direction of what I want to do professionally, if going to school stresses me out so much that I can't do it anymore, then where do I go from here?

Day 25

Oh Monday again.  Today felt like a really long day.  In the morning check-in, I spoke about my struggles and the dietician commented on how present my eating disorder was over the weekend.  Yes it certainly was.  She asked me if I wanted to book in with her to challenge any thing more while I am still in the program.  Not too sure about that.  The weight piece is still very strong for me, but I don't really know if I want to challenge that.  I can't possibly understand how not knowing how much I weigh ever again would be helpful.

In the Nutrition Planning group, we talked about what it was like to go grocery shopping, and how it might look outside of program.  I found this topic somewhat distressing; I told the group that the grocery store (and Mac's or 7-11) used to be like my drug dealer.  When things were really bad, I would go there before even having coffee or brushing my teeth.  Throw on a hoodie over my pajamas, and go there to stock up on M&Ms, cookies, cheezies and diet ginger ale.  I would be so worried about what kind of judgement I was receiving from others that I avoided using checkouts with cashiers as often as I could.  Especially when I was complementing my array of binge foods with laxatives and/or diet pills.  Maybe I was the only one judging me, I certainly hope that no one was looking at me and thinking about how I should be more presentable when I go out, what am I doing buying all this junk food first thing in the morning, again!  I would often find myself bee-lining to the junk food aisle and then leaving as soon as I could, without making eye contact with anyone.  Seriously, I felt like a crackhead, going to get my daily fix.  So from now on, I will need to be very aware of how easy it is to slip back into that former pattern.  I think for awhile it will be best for me to shop on a specified day and time, with a list, and possibly a support person.  It's too easy to let E.D. jump in and inform my choices if I go alone.  This will only be temporary I think; eventually I would like to be able to go grocery shopping on my own without a supervisor.

In Emotional and Physical Relationships, we continued on with the questions from last week.  The question that I had been asked to answer was "Is it okay to make mistakes in your family?"  Which brought up a whole bunch of emotions last week, and even more today.  I spoke to the group about how I always felt like I was held to a higher standard than my sister when it came to making mistakes; that Amy's mistakes were supported, but I was expected to do better.  As I listened to the other girls speak about their experiences, I realized that it was never my parents' expectations I didn't live up to, it was my own.  I had been fighting to be 'better' than Amy for so long, when there actually was no competition.  I was reminded of the struggle I had before Christmas, and always feeling second-best compared to Amy.  I guess I know deep down that there was no comparison, but that it was my high standards that I was never living up to.

Lastly, I had a struggle with Nathalie, the occupational therapist.  There is just something about her that I don`t get along with.  Or maybe it`s my eating disorder that doesn`t like her.  Anyway, I had to pick a recipe for a dinner that I have to cook and eat on Wednesday, and then eat it again for lunch on Thursday.  She said it needed to be something that would be a challenge for me.  Something that I used to eat a lot, but don`t anymore because of the eating disorder.  Well, that`s a no-brainer.  I used to eat fettucini alfredo, baked in cheese all the time, until it started upsetting my stomach when I had gallstones.  After that, I stopped eating it because I had educated myself on healthy choices, and cream-filled, fat-laden pasta is not one of them.  So, I chose recipes that called for skim milk, whole wheat pasta, and light sour cream, which of course was a no-no, because ``It`s not helping me to let my eating disorder influence my food choices.``  Well, last time I checked, not wanting to eat something that has a million calories and a hundred grams of fat isn`t an eating disorder thing, it`s a general health thing!! Yes, it`s an eating disorder issue, of course, but if I took the two recipes to any real health professional, they would tell me that it would be better to eat the one that doesn`t have so much saturated fat from dairy, and that whole wheat noodles have a better nutrition profile than white pasta.  They may say that it`s not helping my eating disorder to allow me to cook light or diet options, but it is certainly not helping me to challenge it so much. 

I spoke about this in checkout group, and finally admitted that I am struggling with two eating disorders; one that I am happy to be rid of, and another one that I don`t want to give up.   I do not want to binge and purge anymore, but I have no problem with wanting to know how much I weigh, to eat small portions, to not eat certain foods, and to count calories and grams of fat.  I realize that there is potential for that to get out of control, but I don`t think this program is doing me any favours to make me throw caution to the wind when it comes to food.  I have done that for 20 years, and I have had acne, excess fat, and cellulite as a result.  Any doctor will tell you that you need to watch what you eat.  The main causes of death in our society today are cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and cancer, ALL of which can be controlled or avoided by following a healthy diet.  So I don`t know how this will affect my treatment, but I guess I will see how things go.  I really, really, REALLY wanted to binge tonight, but I don`t really think that is going to help me.  I realize that these uncomfortable feelings are here because of the challenges and triggers I faced today, and eating my way out of them will just make me feel worse.

The weekend

Overall the weekend went well.  Spent a nice evening with Tony on Friday, then spent some time with Luc building Lego on Saturday.  On Sunday, I had a few hair appointments, and hit up the gym in the morning.

In sticking with my goal of being mindful of my triggers and journaling about them, I will admit that I was triggered most of the weekend, but got through it.  Body image issues, concerns about weight, and watching other people eat was quite distressing.  I weighed myself at the gym, and it said I was up 2 pounds from last week.  I was really upset about it, so was sure to eat lightly.  I had a bit of wine and pasta on Friday night, so maybe that and all the cheese and carbs I eat is definitely making me gain.  I thought about withdrawing from the program temporarily, to see if it really has helped.  But I only have 3 weeks left, and the last two will be transition weeks, so I don't have to attend all of the meals or sessions.

I really wanted to binge on Saturday night.  Tony ordered some fast food, and offered me some fries. Totally harmless gesture, but made me want to eat them.  So, popped a mint and declined.  On Sunday I felt really gross and fat.  My skin is freakin out lately, and it is really bothering me.  The scale at the gym said I was one pound down from last week, so three pounds from Saturday.  Hmm, well, I'll take it.  Better than thinking I gained weight.  I saw a really thin girl at the gym, and that made me feel fat.  The rest of the day went well, I had a few hair appointments, and then went to Tony's.  Should be a good night.  I didn't give in to any of the urges to binge, so that is great.

Day 24

I should really get in the habit of updating this more often.  It makes it harder to forget if I post right away.  Anyway, Friday was alright.  In weekend planning, I mentioned the struggle I had on Thursday night, and spoke about how I am nervous to start having regular time with Luc again.  I feel like I am okay with him as long as somebody else is there.  But I'm not sure how it will go once we start staying at my house again.  I guess that will just be one of the challenges I need to face.  I made a rough plan for the weekend, I didn't really have too much planned.  I kept Friday and Saturday pretty open so I could just spend time with Tony.

After lunch, we had yoga, which was nice. It's pretty easy, I think it's yoga for old people, but I enjoy the relaxation part of it.  After yoga, we said goodbye to the last two 'senior' members of the group.  They were finished their 8 weeks, and ready to go home.  I hope that they really are ready.

Day 23

Thursday, what a weird day this was!  Lana the clinical supervisor was in to facilitate Managing Strong Emotions.  Sweet!  She's hilarious, I quite enjoy when she joins us in the groups.  Following from last Thursday's session on developing the "what" skills of mindfulness practice.  Today we were to experience the skills of observing, describing and participating in a mindfulness practice.  In the form of playing musical chairs and "dancing like nobody's watching".  Seriously not joking.  At first, I thought "you've got to be kidding me, I am not going to dance around the room and play a game that I probably haven't played since I was 5.  No thanks, I'd rather not make an ass of myself."  Apparently I was not the only one feeling this way; hence the reason we were made to do the exercise.  So Lana fired up her iPod with some techno tunes, and we started walking around the circle of chairs.  The facilitators danced right away, we were a little slower to warm up.  But, eventually, some of us started dancing to the music.  Lana then broke out some '90s and early 2000s club tunes, so I started getting more into it.  I thought about my lessons from Amy, and that I should instead 'dance til everyone is watching'.  So got quite a bit more into it, and I won!  And I had fun too.  I put aside all of my judgement toward myself, and just had fun.  I mentioned Amy's lesson and told the group about how I tried to channel Amy's energy, and felt good about it.  At the end of the night, one of the new girls said that she wrote "Dance until everyone is watching" on her wrist as inspiration to get through her first dance class since getting out of hospital.  Aww.

Psychotherapy was interesting; slow to start, but we ended up working on the lack of trust that underlies all of our psychotherapy sessions.  I don't know if it's that we don't fully trust each other, or if it is the presence of those particular therapists.  One of the new girls shared right away about her struggle she had at lunch, but no one really picked up on it.  Then one of the more senior girls mentioned having engaged in behaviours to cope with being almost done the program and having to go back to school.  She said right away about not wanting to process it, so we didn't really talk about it.  Finally, one of the girls spoke about how angry she was about having to stay on Tuesday even though she wasn't feeling well.  Another group member challenged her to consider whether she was physically ill, or experiencing a physical manifestation of emotional turmoil.  From this, the conversation got to the underlying mistrust, and unwillingness to share in this group.  It ended up being really good, because now we know what we have to work on in the next psychotherapy group.  It should go well after that.  It could have been because of the therapists though, they just bring a certain energy to the room that is different than in other groups.

In body image, we were asked to think about the beauty assumptions we worked on last time.  Only this time, the facilitators would not be in the room, but monitoring us from the observation room.  We were challenged to discuss assumptions such as "if I only looked the way I wanted, then everything would be better" and "You can tell how a person is on the inside by what they look like on the outside".  I don't agree with the second one, but I do agree that it is the reason why stereotypes exist.  I can't help but think that things would be better if I weighed less, if my skin were clearer, and my teeth whiter.  So I don't really want to even consider the alternative to this.  Life has got to get better than what it's been.  Things have been good, I suppose for the most part, but could be way better.  I really know that I would be happier if I lost 20 pounds.  They can tell me it's the eating disorder talking, but I know I will be more confident and wanting to go out more if I wasn't so fat.

Over the break, I went over to the University of Calgary Women's Resource Centre to speak as a panelist for Eating Disorders Awareness week.  I was the bulimia rep, there was another girl who spoke about having been recovered from anorexia for a few years, and then some program staff were there too.  I had been invited by the same girl who organized the Mental Health Awareness presentation I spoke at in November.  Apparently the presentation was so moving and positively received by the audience, that they wanted me to come back.  Yay!  A good start to doing more motivational speaking.  It's funny that that is something I really want to do now, considering how shy and afraid I used to be speaking in public.  The panel went really well; the question that sticks out most in my head is "What could someone have done early on in the disorder to help you get help?"  The anorexia girl said there wasn't much, because her friends and family did everything she needed to get help.  They noticed, they talked to her, they asked how they could help.  They helped her get help.  I  hope this doesn't come off as offensive to anyone, but I stated that the best thing anyone could have done for me in the last few years of my struggle would have been to notice.  I was always so surprised that people didn't question me more about my weight gain, the increasing isolation I was living, and the subtle little hints I gave so often.  I'm glad that everyone knows now, and is supportive, but I really wish someone would have asked me about what was going on.  The therapist on the panel challenged me by asking what I would have said if someone would have called me out on it; I honestly think I would have just blurted it out to anyone over the last year that was willing to listen.  It was really distressing for me to constantly keep up this image that I was doing okay when I wasn't.  And I suppose I was still reluctant to fully disclose anything to anyone; it was always on the tip of my tongue, but I'll admit that I was always scared to actually fess up.  The rest of the panel went well, I hope that it was inspiring to the audience, and that hearing us speak encourages them to seek treatment.  I don't really know how much I want to brag about being a patient-expert in eating disorders, but if it helps people, then that's friggin awesome.  I hope to do more of that, and possibly look into turning this blog into a book.

As far as check-out went, I wasn't really anticipating any struggles.  I could have gone to the gym, but decided instead to just go to Tony's.  I had to go home to feed Sylvester, and stop at the post office.  Luc phoned, and was asking about when he would see me this weekend.  He thought it was his weekend to be with me, but that was last weekend.  I felt really guilty when he expressed his disappointment that he wouldn't be staying with me.  I told him that maybe we could spend some time together tomorrow.  Mother guilt drives me crazy.  I got a strong urge to buy some M&Ms and Diet Coke from the store for a quick b/p at home.  But I did not.  I popped a mint as soon as I got in the car, went home to pay some attention to my poor neglected kitty, and then straight to Tony's.  I had a couple glasses of wine, we watched some cartoons, it was a wonderful night! 

Day 22

Sorry, I've been super-busy this week, so have gotten off track with posting on here.  Wednesday went pretty well; in goal-setting I chose to revisit my goal from a couple of weeks ago.  I would like to be more mindful of my triggers, and the context in which they occur.  And journal about it.  Track when, where and why I am being triggered, what is going on inside of me, and what I did about it.  I think this really ties in with the DBT training we've been doing lately, and would be good for me, because I tend to try to stay out of every moment, instead of being fully in it.  My pattern for so long has been to remove myself from situations by either numbing my feelings, or taking my thoughts away from reality.  So it will be a big change to try to be mindful everyday, particularly when I am triggered.

In nutrition processing, we talked again about eating normally and healthfully outside of program.  This group drives me crazy!  I just don't agree with what they are trying to pass off as a healthy relationship with and attitude toward food.  It's not okay to teach people that sugar is okay!!  I have realized that it is useless to argue about this though, so commented only on the fact that once I am done program, I intend to eat more of a plant-based diet.  No more dairy or wheat either.  I need to figure out what is making me break-out so much, because apparently it wasn't the bingeing I had been doing for the long time before treatment started.  I haven't had aspartame in over a week, so I don't think it's that.  Probably the dairy, I bet.  I'll have to make a point in the next menu planning group to choose snacks that are healthy fat-based, rather than dairy based.  More trail mix or peanut butter, less cheese and yogurt.  See what that will do.

Not too much to report for struggles, I wasn't sure if I was expecting any struggles tonight.  I had committed to facilitating my pregnancy and infant loss support group that night, although I know that doing so is often a trigger for me.  I think I have gone home and binged every time I leave the meetings, especially when I really don't want to give in.  So tonight I told the group about how we would be watching a video about miscarriage and loss, but that I had seen it before and should be okay.  Hearing couples talk about recent losses is always sad, but I can usually get through the meetings without crying.  One of the nurses asked me if I am in a position right now to facilitate others and offer emotional support.  I don't really know that I am, but I had already committed.

The meeting went pretty well, we had a lot of new couples there, and all of the losses were less than 8 months out.  That tends to make it a little more emotional then when it is members whose story I have heard before.  But I was okay, I cried a bit while we watched the video about how I had lost my best friend, my daughter, and my sister in the last ten years.  Rough.  I don't know how much I have really grieved those losses, so I know that is something I will have to work on when I am done with the program.  After the meeting, I just went straight to Tony's house, and pretty much fell asleep.  Whew, no triggers or urges, I think because I had the safety of not wanting Tony to catch me in behaviours to keep me from caving.

Day 21

Again, there were so many people today that it was very different from last week.  Healing arts again this morning, which I never really enjoy.  We had to make activity or leisure cards or inspirational sayings to put in a 'toolbox' to draw from when we are triggered.  A good thing to have I suppose, but I am not really interested in decorating that kind of thing.  Maybe if someone bought it from the store, I know they have little boxes of cards like that in Chapters, but I wouldn't buy it for myself.  Or use it, I don't think.  I just don't see myself drawing cards to figure out what to do with myself.  I am very busy, and don't really have leisure time to do this.  So I didn't really enjoy the activity.

Then it was break, no baking for me today, thank goodness!  We had to have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch.  Great, bread and peanut butter!  Followed up by psychotherapy!  Where's the sarcastica font when you need it?  Not that I was in a bad mood or anything, but I just was not feelin it today.  One of the new girls spoke about needing to be in weight recovery but also hanging on to the desire to have a dancer's physique.  Meaning she would need to lose weight when she finished the program; read by the staff as not being free of her eating disorder.  Another woman spoke to this, about how she will lose weight once she leaves, but not let her eating disorder get out of control again.  Some group members argued that she would still be controlled by the eating disorder, and that it would be best to trust in the program.  It was quite triggering for me that these girls spoke of relapsing and losing weight; all I could think of was relapsing and gaining weight!  For the last two years, I've gotten back into the healthy weight range and then relapsed and gained 20 - 25 pounds!  I am NOT going back there!  I don't want my eating disorder anymore, but at the same time, I don't want to live by the rules set by the program.  I feel sometimes as if I am just modifying my eating disorder so that I don't have to give it up.  Conflicted.

We had some gross fish and chips for dinner; I picked it because the other option was an omelette with two pieces of toast.  No thanks, had enough bread at lunch.  But the fish and chips were disgusting.  I can't wait to start eating my own food again.  We get to bring in our own lunch tomorrow, so I picked up a veggie burger, gluten-free hamburger bun, and some roasted veggie salad.  Feels delicious, and better than the program veggie burgers.  I really feel good shopping in the organic store.  I really aspire to eat better, healthier organic food once I am done this program.  I think that will improve my health quite a bit.

In checkout, I confessed that I was really wanting to go to the gym tonight.  Lots of body image issues came up in psychotherapy; hearing those skinny girls talking about how much easier it was to be in their disorder, I felt like the fattest person in the room.  Plus having to eat the baking, and that gross dinner, I just felt disgusting.  I was challenged that maybe I didn't want to go to the gym, my eating disorder wants me to go to the gym, and that I know I need to have some relaxation and connection time with Tony tonight.  I did want to go to the gym, but realized that the best thing would be for me to not work out. :(

It turns out Tony needed me to be with him tonight.  He has been so wonderful and supportive, I needed to be with him when he needed support. 

Day 20 (Monday) - Updated

Monday went by pretty quickly; we had two new girls join us, plus two that are in their last week, so there were a lot of us!  No issues that I can think of, but will update as I think of it.

So I forgot what I did on Monday, and just remembered.  I started writing it, and then the laptop died.  Goddamn!  So here's what I remember from what I wrote:

Monday was alright; I reported the struggles I had over the weekend in the check-in.  Not too bad, I had binged on Friday night, and then struggled with eating cake on Sunday.  Oh well, I guess.  Could have been worse.  I didn't purge after the cake, I just ate it.  I figured I had eaten well and exercised the other days, so should be okay.  I decided not to weigh in; I was worried that I would be up, because of the number on the scale at the gym.  I think sometimes that I should buy new batteries for my scale, but I know this is risky.

Nutrition planning was alright, we talked about cooking at home.  In Emotional and Physical Relationships group, we were asked to answer questions about our families.  The question I got was "In your family, is it okay to make mistakes?"   I was surprised at how triggering this question was.  I didn't share too much of what I wrote, other than that it brought up a lot of the resentment and jealousy toward Amy and my parents that I thought I had already dealt with.  The therapist mentioned that this was not the first time I had voiced being surprised at certain emotions coming up that I "thought I was over", and that maybe I should bring it up in psychotherapy.  Haven't done that yet, but maybe.  I sometimes feel like I talk too much, so I don't want to take up every session with my issues, I should be using individual counseling for that.  At check-out, we had to make 'hope and play' suggestions, of things that we will be hopeful for, and some sort of leisure or fun activity we will do during the week.  I'm not too sure what I'll do for play, but I am hopeful that over the next four weeks, I can get as much out of treatment as I possibly can.  Even though some of the rules drive me crazy, I really need to use this time to get serious about life after treatment.

The Weekend

The weekend went by so fast, I didn't get a chance to check in.  Hair appointments on Saturday, Luc's birthday party on Sunday, a couple of workouts, dinner with Mum and Dad; it went well.  I had over-eaten on Friday night, so I was careful to eat mindfully throughout the weekend.

Day 19

Finally Friday! The week went by pretty quickly, and thankfully Friday is a shorter day.  In weekend planning, I made up a detailed schedule for getting through the weekend.  Lots of stuff going on, so I need to be sure to stick to my meal plan.

The recreation and occupational therapists took us out for lunch today.  We got to go to Earls, but of course there were a hundred rules to go with it.  We were actually allowed to order caffeinated beverages but no diet or light products.  I'm trying to avoid diet coke these days, because I think it makes me break out.  We couldn't order an entree salad, even though it's a meal in itself.  Thank god it wasn't 100% completion; restaurant portions are so big, I would have been so full!  I ordered a veggie quesadilla; it was good, but I was second-guessing my choice once I started eating it.  Lots of cheese, and the tortilla was not whole wheat.  I ate half of it, and the salad that came with it.

For snack, it was a 'mindful' snack; we were allowed to pick whatever we wanted, as long as it fit with meal plan rules.  I chose to have a yogurt, but instantly regretted it.  Too much dairy!  I wish we had some vegan protein options in the snacks.  I had trail mix at the morning snack,  so didn't want more nuts or fat.  Should have just gone with fruit. Next time.

The rest of the day was spent celebrating successes.  I'm not too sure what my successes were for the week, I guess bringing up Tuesday's struggle in psychotherapy, and not leaving on Tuesday.  Actually, I didn't even want to go on Friday, so I suppose it was a success that I actually went.