Since my last check-in, I have been bingeing a fair bit. Court stuff was settled between Antonio and Bianca, so Luc has been away since Friday night. This is the first time in a long time that I have been by myself, and it's been hard. I had good intentions to stay on track with my eating, but it hasn't gone quite as well as I hoped. I also ran out of meds, so I think once I get my prescription filled, then that will help. I don't even enjoy bingeing anymore, I guess I was just doing it out of habit. I really feel gross though. Bloated, dehydrated, fat. Why do I do this to myself?
As far as things with Tony are going, we've been talking lately, and it seems like he still wants to have some kind of relationship. I know that it can't go any further if he isn't interested in being a step-parent, so I don't know how things will turn out. I guess we can be friends, and see how things go.
Christmas is coming up next week, and that's probably another reason I've been bingeing. I really don't like Christmas, and I am not really looking forward to the family get togethers and all the food. But what else am I gonna do? Stay home by myself? That would be depressing, so I will just suck it up. I think it's just the idea of Christmas that I don't like- everyone is supposed to be happy, and right now I'm not. But dwelling on that isn't going to make it any better. I think the best thing I can do right now is just to focus on eating well, without dwelling on the bingeing I've done the last few days. What is done is done, I can only move forward from here. With that being said, I think it's time to go take a shower and start my day. As much as I am enjoying being lazy in bed, it is not productive. Happy Wednesday!
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
December 10
Time to write out some feelings, rather than eating them. Well, things are definitely done with Tony and I; we talked again on Saturday, because I wanted him to join Luc and I for dinner. I thought it would be good if we met somewhere neutral, like at a restaurant, so that the three of us could spend time together. Plus, Luc doesn't like going to Tony's, and Tony doesn't like to come to my house. Everybody wins, right? Nope, I guess not. His response was "there's no point in us being together right now if Luc doesn't like going there". We talked, and basically it felt like he wants things to be different with Luc, but doesn't want to be involved in making the change. I had hoped that if we scaled things back and let him and Luc bond, then maybe over time, things would improve. Oh well, I guess. If he doesn't want to be Luc's step-dad, there is no point in trying.
So then, over the last week, I started talking to another guy, Andrew. A friend of a friend, good looking. Probably not a good idea to start dating again right away, but it's always nice when someone tells you they think you are hot. Especially when the feeling is mutual. So anyway, last night, Andrew posts something on my Facebook wall about "can't wait to see you", which I deleted so that no one would see. Like Tony. But, that didn't work out. He saw it. And he asked me about it. But what was worse, was that he didn't really seem that upset about it. Just said to "be careful, take care of yourself online". Now, before 7am, I had Andrew upset with me for deleting the post, and Tony probably thinking I was cheating on him. Not to mention another "friend" who suddenly starts texting me once I told him I was single again. FML.
So this stuff has got me thinking about expectations. I'm upset about things with Tony, but at the same time, I had been second guessing it anyway. I had been thinking maybe he was "the one", but then again, I seem to think every guy is "the one"- and then when it fizzles, I'm heartbroken more because of the loss of my "happily ever after" than the loss of the guy. I don't really think any of the guys that I have been "in love" with were "the one". New, hot guys that come along probably aren't "the one" either. So how do I move forward now in search of a romantic partnership that doesn't restart the fantasy of our life together? I think some soul searching is probably in need here, for sure. I think I know what I want in a man, and honestly, none of the guys I have dated or had serious relationships have had all of those things. So I settle for the first guy that comes along that shows interest in me, but that doesn't help. Keep my standards high and be very choosy? But then what if I never find "the one". Settle for Mr. Good-Enough? I'm not really happy with that though? Give up men altogether and just focus on Luc? That's making me miserable though. I want to find someone to share my life with, but maybe that's just a waste of time? From my history with men, they seem to just cause trouble for me (hello, ED), so maybe it's time to just take a step back and focus on myself. I definitely DO NOT want to fall back into old habits, and so far so good. I've been eating pretty clean lately, and am really happy with the way my arms are starting to shape up. But if I think about my history after break ups......but again, like my post a few weeks ago, if I expect certain things to happen, then they will. If I expect to get depressed and gain weight, then I will. If I expect that I can get through this like a champ, and focus on my self-care, then it doesn't have to be bad, right?
Anyway, I guess I just need to learn to make peace with myself, and not be in such a hurry to fall in love all the time. Maybe just keep my distance from men for awhile. Focus on myself, focus on Luc, and maybe everything will fall into place. If I expect that Luc will start listening to me and start behaving better, maybe he will right? I friggin hope so!
So then, over the last week, I started talking to another guy, Andrew. A friend of a friend, good looking. Probably not a good idea to start dating again right away, but it's always nice when someone tells you they think you are hot. Especially when the feeling is mutual. So anyway, last night, Andrew posts something on my Facebook wall about "can't wait to see you", which I deleted so that no one would see. Like Tony. But, that didn't work out. He saw it. And he asked me about it. But what was worse, was that he didn't really seem that upset about it. Just said to "be careful, take care of yourself online". Now, before 7am, I had Andrew upset with me for deleting the post, and Tony probably thinking I was cheating on him. Not to mention another "friend" who suddenly starts texting me once I told him I was single again. FML.
So this stuff has got me thinking about expectations. I'm upset about things with Tony, but at the same time, I had been second guessing it anyway. I had been thinking maybe he was "the one", but then again, I seem to think every guy is "the one"- and then when it fizzles, I'm heartbroken more because of the loss of my "happily ever after" than the loss of the guy. I don't really think any of the guys that I have been "in love" with were "the one". New, hot guys that come along probably aren't "the one" either. So how do I move forward now in search of a romantic partnership that doesn't restart the fantasy of our life together? I think some soul searching is probably in need here, for sure. I think I know what I want in a man, and honestly, none of the guys I have dated or had serious relationships have had all of those things. So I settle for the first guy that comes along that shows interest in me, but that doesn't help. Keep my standards high and be very choosy? But then what if I never find "the one". Settle for Mr. Good-Enough? I'm not really happy with that though? Give up men altogether and just focus on Luc? That's making me miserable though. I want to find someone to share my life with, but maybe that's just a waste of time? From my history with men, they seem to just cause trouble for me (hello, ED), so maybe it's time to just take a step back and focus on myself. I definitely DO NOT want to fall back into old habits, and so far so good. I've been eating pretty clean lately, and am really happy with the way my arms are starting to shape up. But if I think about my history after break ups......but again, like my post a few weeks ago, if I expect certain things to happen, then they will. If I expect to get depressed and gain weight, then I will. If I expect that I can get through this like a champ, and focus on my self-care, then it doesn't have to be bad, right?
Anyway, I guess I just need to learn to make peace with myself, and not be in such a hurry to fall in love all the time. Maybe just keep my distance from men for awhile. Focus on myself, focus on Luc, and maybe everything will fall into place. If I expect that Luc will start listening to me and start behaving better, maybe he will right? I friggin hope so!
Thursday, 5 December 2013
December 5
Update time again, really need to do this more often! Last time I checked in, I was struggling with hormone- and stress-related bingeing, which seems to be mostly in-check now, since, ahem, Aunt Flo stopped by. I intend to do some research into supplementation to help with this; I have heard that Vitamin B6 is good. Anyway, so I'm eating mostly healthy, I had a bit of a binge on Sunday night, but no purging in quite some time. So that's great.
On the relationship front, Tony and I had a big discussion about how things have been going, and so that has been tough for me. In the end, we decided to try to work on things- I need to work on my parenting and discipline, but have asked for his support. I would like him to be more involved with my life outside of our relationship- I want him to want to come out with me to things, and not always have a reason why he can't come. I understand that sometimes that things come up; he has a life too, and I respect that. But it feels like I really have to pressure him to spend time with me outside of his house, and I don't like that. At this point, we are still together, but haven't seen each other in nearly two weeks, so I guess we will see how things go over the holidays.
As far as Luc goes, I am still struggling with him. I let him stay home one day last week because "he was tired", and then the next day I was tired, so I let him stay home that day too. Then on Friday, he didn't want to go because it was only a half day. Then he missed school this past Tuesday because of the crappy roads. Now trying to get him up and dressed for school is really tough. I know it is irresponsible to let him stay home, and I regret the choices that I made. He is constantly complaining about how bored he is, but then refuses to do any school work, and is not interested in any activities. I took him to a parkour class a couple weeks ago, which he seemed to enjoy, but has since not been interested in going. In the new year, I definitely plan to get him into some activities; I know it will be good for him.
I took on another job too; in addition to school, Luc, hair styling, and the yoga studio. I must be crazy. But the new car that I bought is quite expensive, and I don't know that I will be able to afford it come January. The new job is at World Health, which has been somewhere I have been interested in working for quite some time. Goes well with my KNES degree, so that's good. The job title is "Fitness Coach", but I realized last night (my first shift) that that title is quite deceiving. It should be more like "Member Relations rep" or something. The job description is along the lines of "to host the party- build rapport with members, and specifically interact with high-risk members"- the ones who don't come to the gym that often and might end up cancelling their membership. So basically, I walk around and talk to people and get paid. Pretty sweet, except that I have to approach people in the gym, while they are working out, and talk to them. This is quite out of my comfort zone; I am good at talking to people when they come to me (i.e. I stay behind the desk and they come to me), but it is a lot scarier to have to go to them. I have been thinking about this quite a bit over the last 24 hours. On the job, I was thinking "I don't think I can do this, this is really scary". But then, I got thinking why? What is so scary about approaching people and talking to them? Usually this isn't something I do. Maybe once I've had a couple drinks in me, but I don't think that would go over so well at work. What am I afraid of? I realized last night that this job is hitting my deep-rooted fear of rejection that has been lurking inside of me for so long. It shouldn't be scary to approach people and say hi, but I am reminded of experiences in elementary school where I would ask my "friends" if I could sit with them, and would sometimes be told no. Then they would make fun of me, regardless of whether or not I could hear them. One experience in grade 5 was particularly traumatic for me, and I think it is probably why I am so terrified to approach people. The gist of the story is that I asked the kids who had recently been my friends if I could sit with them at lunch and play cards with them; they said no, so I sat at my desk and ate while the kids made fun of me by calling me a fat cow and other names. There was a girl that had come to sit with me, which was so kind of her, but I guess I was so focused on the mean kids and their cruel words that I found it difficult to focus on the positive. I can still remember leaving the classroom after lunch, going to find my sister, and then crying in the bathroom because I was so upset. Some girls from the other grade 5 class saw me in there, and felt bad for me; they invited me to sit with them during a movie their teacher was showing, instead of going back to my classroom. No friendships came out of that though; the next day I went back to my own classroom and accepted my place as the fat girl with braces that not many people liked. I don't know why, I wasn't mean to them; in fact, I desperately wanted them to like me, but I don't know why they didn't. I'm sure if I asked any of them now, they wouldn't even know why.
So I realized this morning that I am afraid to approach people because they might say "Eww, Fat Girl, get away from me. You are not welcome here" and then laugh at me as I walk away. I got through it last night, it was a bit awkward approaching people, but I found that if I walked around and smiled at people and/or said hi, the strangest thing would happen sometimes. Some people would smile back, some people would say hi, and some would even take off their headphones and talk to me! Shake my hand and everything! Oh my god! Some people weren't as chatty, but that's okay. Plus, I know it will take me a little while to get into my 'groove' of approaching people, and have thought about asking if I can hang out at the reception desk and greet people there first, rather than 'interrupting' them in their workout. So why am I letting something that happened 21 years ago (and I am cringing as I write this) affect me to this day?
Last night, Steve, the fitness manager who has been training me, made a comment about one of the 'high-risk' members that he approached to show me what to do, basically. Apparently, this woman used to come to the gym all the time, but doesn't anymore. She was a bit cold when he was talking to her, but she did chat briefly. After that, we went back to the desk and he commented about how she had her "bitch face" on - headphones on, on the treadmill closest to the wall, away from people, not making eye contact with anyone. Huh. That's how I workout. And I rarely ever had club members or staff members approaching me when I would work out, other than to ask if I was finished with whatever equipment I had been using. And at school, people don't readily approach me and talk to me either, because I come into the class, find a seat away in the third or fourth row, with at least one seat in between me and the next person. Then I put my glasses on (which kind of blocks my peripheral vision), and I look down at my paper, or check my phone, without really talking to anyone. I will say hi to people I have been forced to meet through group projects, and usually they are very nice. Do I go around most places with my "bitch face" on? Maybe? I am reminded of how people used to tell me all the time that "I thought you were a snob when I first met you, but you're actually really nice". It wasn't at all that I was a snob, it was that I was terrified to talk to them, or say the wrong thing, or do something that would make them not like me. And, as it turned out, they did like me! Once I opened up a bit. Which I do more quickly these days; I'm not nearly as awkward as I was 10 or 15 years ago. In one of my classes, we have to grade each other for a group presentation, and I am terrified of being graded poorly by these people. But why would they? Because I contributed ideas to the presentation? Because I wanted to have a speaking part in the presentation, and I helped contribute to the written background paper? Why would these people grade me poorly for this? Again, that fear of "Eww, Fat Girl. We don't like you." Which I am hoping is not true.
It seems like I still have some work to do on the confidence front, so I think this job will actually be perfect for me. Terrifying, maybe, but probably incredibly rewarding. I don't know where the quote comes from that's on most Lululemon tote bags, but it is resonating strongly with me today. "Do something every day that scares you". There are lots of things I am scared of, and that I avoid, because it's easier than taking the risk. But what's the big risk here? That someone might not say hi to me? Big frickin deal, honey. Get over it. Which is exactly what I plan to do.
On the relationship front, Tony and I had a big discussion about how things have been going, and so that has been tough for me. In the end, we decided to try to work on things- I need to work on my parenting and discipline, but have asked for his support. I would like him to be more involved with my life outside of our relationship- I want him to want to come out with me to things, and not always have a reason why he can't come. I understand that sometimes that things come up; he has a life too, and I respect that. But it feels like I really have to pressure him to spend time with me outside of his house, and I don't like that. At this point, we are still together, but haven't seen each other in nearly two weeks, so I guess we will see how things go over the holidays.
As far as Luc goes, I am still struggling with him. I let him stay home one day last week because "he was tired", and then the next day I was tired, so I let him stay home that day too. Then on Friday, he didn't want to go because it was only a half day. Then he missed school this past Tuesday because of the crappy roads. Now trying to get him up and dressed for school is really tough. I know it is irresponsible to let him stay home, and I regret the choices that I made. He is constantly complaining about how bored he is, but then refuses to do any school work, and is not interested in any activities. I took him to a parkour class a couple weeks ago, which he seemed to enjoy, but has since not been interested in going. In the new year, I definitely plan to get him into some activities; I know it will be good for him.
I took on another job too; in addition to school, Luc, hair styling, and the yoga studio. I must be crazy. But the new car that I bought is quite expensive, and I don't know that I will be able to afford it come January. The new job is at World Health, which has been somewhere I have been interested in working for quite some time. Goes well with my KNES degree, so that's good. The job title is "Fitness Coach", but I realized last night (my first shift) that that title is quite deceiving. It should be more like "Member Relations rep" or something. The job description is along the lines of "to host the party- build rapport with members, and specifically interact with high-risk members"- the ones who don't come to the gym that often and might end up cancelling their membership. So basically, I walk around and talk to people and get paid. Pretty sweet, except that I have to approach people in the gym, while they are working out, and talk to them. This is quite out of my comfort zone; I am good at talking to people when they come to me (i.e. I stay behind the desk and they come to me), but it is a lot scarier to have to go to them. I have been thinking about this quite a bit over the last 24 hours. On the job, I was thinking "I don't think I can do this, this is really scary". But then, I got thinking why? What is so scary about approaching people and talking to them? Usually this isn't something I do. Maybe once I've had a couple drinks in me, but I don't think that would go over so well at work. What am I afraid of? I realized last night that this job is hitting my deep-rooted fear of rejection that has been lurking inside of me for so long. It shouldn't be scary to approach people and say hi, but I am reminded of experiences in elementary school where I would ask my "friends" if I could sit with them, and would sometimes be told no. Then they would make fun of me, regardless of whether or not I could hear them. One experience in grade 5 was particularly traumatic for me, and I think it is probably why I am so terrified to approach people. The gist of the story is that I asked the kids who had recently been my friends if I could sit with them at lunch and play cards with them; they said no, so I sat at my desk and ate while the kids made fun of me by calling me a fat cow and other names. There was a girl that had come to sit with me, which was so kind of her, but I guess I was so focused on the mean kids and their cruel words that I found it difficult to focus on the positive. I can still remember leaving the classroom after lunch, going to find my sister, and then crying in the bathroom because I was so upset. Some girls from the other grade 5 class saw me in there, and felt bad for me; they invited me to sit with them during a movie their teacher was showing, instead of going back to my classroom. No friendships came out of that though; the next day I went back to my own classroom and accepted my place as the fat girl with braces that not many people liked. I don't know why, I wasn't mean to them; in fact, I desperately wanted them to like me, but I don't know why they didn't. I'm sure if I asked any of them now, they wouldn't even know why.
So I realized this morning that I am afraid to approach people because they might say "Eww, Fat Girl, get away from me. You are not welcome here" and then laugh at me as I walk away. I got through it last night, it was a bit awkward approaching people, but I found that if I walked around and smiled at people and/or said hi, the strangest thing would happen sometimes. Some people would smile back, some people would say hi, and some would even take off their headphones and talk to me! Shake my hand and everything! Oh my god! Some people weren't as chatty, but that's okay. Plus, I know it will take me a little while to get into my 'groove' of approaching people, and have thought about asking if I can hang out at the reception desk and greet people there first, rather than 'interrupting' them in their workout. So why am I letting something that happened 21 years ago (and I am cringing as I write this) affect me to this day?
Last night, Steve, the fitness manager who has been training me, made a comment about one of the 'high-risk' members that he approached to show me what to do, basically. Apparently, this woman used to come to the gym all the time, but doesn't anymore. She was a bit cold when he was talking to her, but she did chat briefly. After that, we went back to the desk and he commented about how she had her "bitch face" on - headphones on, on the treadmill closest to the wall, away from people, not making eye contact with anyone. Huh. That's how I workout. And I rarely ever had club members or staff members approaching me when I would work out, other than to ask if I was finished with whatever equipment I had been using. And at school, people don't readily approach me and talk to me either, because I come into the class, find a seat away in the third or fourth row, with at least one seat in between me and the next person. Then I put my glasses on (which kind of blocks my peripheral vision), and I look down at my paper, or check my phone, without really talking to anyone. I will say hi to people I have been forced to meet through group projects, and usually they are very nice. Do I go around most places with my "bitch face" on? Maybe? I am reminded of how people used to tell me all the time that "I thought you were a snob when I first met you, but you're actually really nice". It wasn't at all that I was a snob, it was that I was terrified to talk to them, or say the wrong thing, or do something that would make them not like me. And, as it turned out, they did like me! Once I opened up a bit. Which I do more quickly these days; I'm not nearly as awkward as I was 10 or 15 years ago. In one of my classes, we have to grade each other for a group presentation, and I am terrified of being graded poorly by these people. But why would they? Because I contributed ideas to the presentation? Because I wanted to have a speaking part in the presentation, and I helped contribute to the written background paper? Why would these people grade me poorly for this? Again, that fear of "Eww, Fat Girl. We don't like you." Which I am hoping is not true.
It seems like I still have some work to do on the confidence front, so I think this job will actually be perfect for me. Terrifying, maybe, but probably incredibly rewarding. I don't know where the quote comes from that's on most Lululemon tote bags, but it is resonating strongly with me today. "Do something every day that scares you". There are lots of things I am scared of, and that I avoid, because it's easier than taking the risk. But what's the big risk here? That someone might not say hi to me? Big frickin deal, honey. Get over it. Which is exactly what I plan to do.
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
November 26
Since my last check-in, I was doing fairly well. I seemed to have my eating under control, and I've been working out with heavy weights, and seeing some decent results. Last Thursday though, I had a craving for chocolate, so I thought I would 'mindfully indulge' in some M&Ms and Mini Eggs (the small bags, not the big ones I usually buy). Bad idea. That lead to 'needing' cheezies and more mini eggs, then some M&Ms, and more cheezies. I had plans that night to go out with friends from work; that didn't happen. I went home and binged, with intentions of purging afterward. I fell asleep before I could throw up, and so woke up the next day feeling absolutely disgusting. I can't actually remember the last time I purged; I think it was some time in September. Maybe October? I don't know, it's been awhile for sure. I actually threw out the toothbrush that I would use for purging; I guess that's a step in the right direction. Since then, I've been bingeing quite a bit, and feeling fat. I know 'that time of the month' is coming soon, and I always seem to turn into a [c]raving mad woman for a good 10 days before hand, with an insatiable appetite for carbs, carbs, and more carbs. Whatever. It is what it is, I guess. I just want to be done with this. I have been buying healthy groceries, and preparing meals to take to school with me, so that's good. But at night is really the problem. Luc is staying with me full-time now too; thanks to some accusations regarding inappropriate touching of Luc's 3-year-old sister, he can't stay with his dad for an undisclosed amount of time. So that has been stressful. He eats so much, then I eat what he is eating; I'm frustrated with his behaviour most of the time, it's just not really a good situation. And things with Tony are fizzling; he won't come over to my house to hang out, and Luc doesn't like going to his house, so I basically have seen him twice over the last two weeks. I like him, but I'm just not so sure anymore. Anyway, that's about it for now; I can't really think of anything important to add at the moment.
Monday, 25 November 2013
November 8
Check-in time again, should have done this sooner than later, but things have been pretty hectic lately. Between midterms, and school, and work, and Luc, and Tony, and exercise, and eating, and, and, and the list goes on. It's stressing me out. Like seriously. I need to be more organized. I need to be more in control. I need...some time to myself once in awhile!
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the fight Tony and I had back in September. During the week of my birthday, when I was feeling incredibly depressed about everything, he went from being quietly supportive to outright critical, and that was upsetting. The Sunday after my birthday, we had plans to go for dinner with my family in Okotoks. Tony and I had made tentative plans for during the day, but I ended up staying in bed until about 3pm. Not necessarily sleeping, just hanging out there, avoiding things. Tony thought I was going to come over to his house, and I was feeling frustrated about how there are so many people that ask/expect me to come to them, but don't reciprocate. I was feeling particularly sad about this when only two of my friends came out for my birthday, because I wanted to do a 5k walk for peace, instead of going out to the bar. That same weekend, I had about four different invites from people to go to their events, which I had said I would go to but then cancelled. Now, I suppose I can't complain about people not coming to my things if I don't go to theirs, but it seems like I am always the one doing the work- coming to their house, going to their events, Tony always wanting me at his house and never coming to mine, feeling like I exist to be Luc's personal servant, haircut clients asking me to come to them in my 'free time' for their convenience. I guess I just kind of snapped.
Anyway, so back to the Sunday dinner; Tony was mad at me for not coming over, and I was mad at him (and a lot of other people) for always expecting me to come to him. Why can't he come to my house once in awhile? Does he realize what a pain in the ass it is to live at two houses and haul my stuff all over the place? I am so ready to move in with him, but I am concerned for Luc. I don't think Luc is ready to move in with Tony (and I realize that it's my decision, not his, but the kid is seriously affected by his dad and step-mom's split, that I don't want to move him again just in case things don't work out. We fought the whole way out to Okotoks- he was basically telling me to grow up and quit being depressed, "just find a different way to deal with it" and I was mad at him for thinking this way. I even got thinking "Fine, I'll show you a different way of dealing with this, I'll just go home and take a bunch of pills, and wash it down with alcohol, and maybe even cut myself so that hopefully I'll die". Yeah, cuz that's a good idea. Not the first time I've had that idea (honestly, it's gone through my mind thousands of times since I was 15), but I'm ready for it to be the last time it goes through my mind. Because really, how is that helping? Who is that helping? Me? Maybe, not really. What about Luc, who would lose his mom? What about my parents, who would lose their other daughter barely a year later? Would that show Tony I was 'dealing with my issues another way'? No, not really. And what if I didn't die? Then I would have to explain myself to everyone, and I don't really want to have to do that. So needless to say, I didn't go home and take a bottle of pills, wash it down with some booze, or cut myself. I just went home with Tony, and have been thinking about the fight ever since.
So, as mad as I was at him for daring to suggest that my problems are all in my head, I started thinking about what if they are just all in my head? What if all this "knowing" that I am depressed, have an eating disorder, get more depressed every September, can't function properly, etc. is actually fueling why I 'am' these things? This isn't a new way of thinking, it's just simple cognitive behavioural therapy in action. Change the way you think, then change the way you are. It makes me think about when I read the first chapter of The Secret, I thought it was THE most cheesy thing ever; you can't just wish your way into a hot body, an awesome job, a sexy husband, and tons of money. Not happening. In the words of Britney, if you want a [insert desired outcome here], you gotta work, bitch! But what if my mindset is getting in my way? Yeah, I'm gonna have to work for the things I want, but the more I expect myself to fail, the more I actually will. If I expect myself to get depressed in September, then I probably will. If I expect to always gain weight after a short period of losing it, then I probably will. If I expect that I can accomplish my goals, stick to my plans, be more organized, then maybe I will?
So how is changing my mindset really gonna help me? I have had expectations of myself to be awesome and perfect and fit and sexy for years, but I still haven't accomplished it. So how can I make things different? How can I stop getting in my own way and get my shit together again? I believe this is possible, and acknowledge that it will take some work on my end. So here are my intentions on how I will achieve what I want. Realistically.
1. Deciding what it is that I want. Contemporary goal setting uses the SMART paradigm- goals should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. It's easy to say I want to be ripped like a fitness model, it's a whole other thing to actually be ripped like a fitness model. I have done all kinds of (unsuccessful) things in pursuit of this goal. All the fitness models I follow say the same things; plan, be prepared, organize, eat clean, work out, sleep well. All these great things that everyone should do. And I like the idea of these things, I just have a terrible time following through on them. Or do I? If I am changing my mindset, then I need to know that I can follow through on things. It'll take some work and planning, but I believe I can do it. So as far as achieving my goal, I will have to break down each of the things I need to do into their own, easily accomplish able goals.
So for example, planning. How can I set a goal to follow through on planning? The irony that I have to plan out how I am going to plan for things- but hey, I think more of us have this problem than we admit. I think a specific goal I can make here would relate to my daily schedule. I can plan out the activities and responsibilities I have each day, and then write it down on a visual schedule. Something easily accessible, that I can carry with me. I use my phone a lot, but I feel like a calendar or day planner might be better. Yes, I will have to take fifteen minutes out of my day to organize my schedule, but I think that's doable. So how about we start small. Every day for one week, I will take 15 minutes in the evening to write out my schedule for the next day, including meal preparation for the day, a workout plan, and consolidating errands and appointments as much as possible. Make up a daily To-Do list, and then crossing those things off each day. That seems easy enough, I think.
2. Maintaining the motivation to follow through on things. I saw a quote recently that said "Motivation is kind of like bathing. It doesn't last, so it is recommended daily". Very true. I repeatedly get myself worked up and excited over 'new ways' of being awesome, that last for about a week. So, how can I motivate myself daily to stick to my goals? How do I resist the temptations to be lazy, to skip a workout or class, to procrastinate on things, etc. Maybe by checking in with myself each morning on what it is that I want. And then actually doing that, instead of just intending to.
3. Participating in regular yoga and/or meditation sessions for grounding and mindfulness. Specifically, I will attend a kundalini yoga class every Sunday from 11:30-1, and practice vinyasa- or hatha-based yoga 3 times each week, whether at home or after work. And I will do this for one week, and then check in again. Realistically, I need to prioritize myself in all the craziness that I call life. Being a stress-case stressing over how little time I have and how much I have to do isn't helping. Taking time out each day (or four days a week) to be in the present moment might just be what I need to do. Again, it might be difficult for me to follow through on this, but as per the above, I will have to make time and prioritize myself.
4. Learn to say no once in awhile. "No, I can't cut your hair before noon, because I would like to do yoga or workout". "No, I can't come to your house, because I always go there. Why don't you come to my house?". "No, I can't work tonight because I need to focus on Luc". Saying no is hard, especially as a people-pleaser. The last thing I would want is to disappoint other people, so for years I have put myself (and Luc) second to cater to the needs/wants of others. But rather than just saying no to people, I will ask them to compromise and work with me. As far as hair appointments go, I have already started offering two or three 'hair days' where clients come to me, instead of me driving all over the city, sometimes multiple times per week. And so far, it seems like my clients are receptive to this. As far as work goes, I know that Luc needs help with school, so I won't work more than three times per week. This is fair, I think. I have learned over the years that I don't like it when people cross my boundaries, but they never know they have crossed them, because I give in all the time. I don't even know what my boundaries are until someone crosses something and upsets me.
That's all I have time for today, besides, this is enough stuff to work on for now. Check in with ya later!
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the fight Tony and I had back in September. During the week of my birthday, when I was feeling incredibly depressed about everything, he went from being quietly supportive to outright critical, and that was upsetting. The Sunday after my birthday, we had plans to go for dinner with my family in Okotoks. Tony and I had made tentative plans for during the day, but I ended up staying in bed until about 3pm. Not necessarily sleeping, just hanging out there, avoiding things. Tony thought I was going to come over to his house, and I was feeling frustrated about how there are so many people that ask/expect me to come to them, but don't reciprocate. I was feeling particularly sad about this when only two of my friends came out for my birthday, because I wanted to do a 5k walk for peace, instead of going out to the bar. That same weekend, I had about four different invites from people to go to their events, which I had said I would go to but then cancelled. Now, I suppose I can't complain about people not coming to my things if I don't go to theirs, but it seems like I am always the one doing the work- coming to their house, going to their events, Tony always wanting me at his house and never coming to mine, feeling like I exist to be Luc's personal servant, haircut clients asking me to come to them in my 'free time' for their convenience. I guess I just kind of snapped.
Anyway, so back to the Sunday dinner; Tony was mad at me for not coming over, and I was mad at him (and a lot of other people) for always expecting me to come to him. Why can't he come to my house once in awhile? Does he realize what a pain in the ass it is to live at two houses and haul my stuff all over the place? I am so ready to move in with him, but I am concerned for Luc. I don't think Luc is ready to move in with Tony (and I realize that it's my decision, not his, but the kid is seriously affected by his dad and step-mom's split, that I don't want to move him again just in case things don't work out. We fought the whole way out to Okotoks- he was basically telling me to grow up and quit being depressed, "just find a different way to deal with it" and I was mad at him for thinking this way. I even got thinking "Fine, I'll show you a different way of dealing with this, I'll just go home and take a bunch of pills, and wash it down with alcohol, and maybe even cut myself so that hopefully I'll die". Yeah, cuz that's a good idea. Not the first time I've had that idea (honestly, it's gone through my mind thousands of times since I was 15), but I'm ready for it to be the last time it goes through my mind. Because really, how is that helping? Who is that helping? Me? Maybe, not really. What about Luc, who would lose his mom? What about my parents, who would lose their other daughter barely a year later? Would that show Tony I was 'dealing with my issues another way'? No, not really. And what if I didn't die? Then I would have to explain myself to everyone, and I don't really want to have to do that. So needless to say, I didn't go home and take a bottle of pills, wash it down with some booze, or cut myself. I just went home with Tony, and have been thinking about the fight ever since.
So, as mad as I was at him for daring to suggest that my problems are all in my head, I started thinking about what if they are just all in my head? What if all this "knowing" that I am depressed, have an eating disorder, get more depressed every September, can't function properly, etc. is actually fueling why I 'am' these things? This isn't a new way of thinking, it's just simple cognitive behavioural therapy in action. Change the way you think, then change the way you are. It makes me think about when I read the first chapter of The Secret, I thought it was THE most cheesy thing ever; you can't just wish your way into a hot body, an awesome job, a sexy husband, and tons of money. Not happening. In the words of Britney, if you want a [insert desired outcome here], you gotta work, bitch! But what if my mindset is getting in my way? Yeah, I'm gonna have to work for the things I want, but the more I expect myself to fail, the more I actually will. If I expect myself to get depressed in September, then I probably will. If I expect to always gain weight after a short period of losing it, then I probably will. If I expect that I can accomplish my goals, stick to my plans, be more organized, then maybe I will?
So how is changing my mindset really gonna help me? I have had expectations of myself to be awesome and perfect and fit and sexy for years, but I still haven't accomplished it. So how can I make things different? How can I stop getting in my own way and get my shit together again? I believe this is possible, and acknowledge that it will take some work on my end. So here are my intentions on how I will achieve what I want. Realistically.
1. Deciding what it is that I want. Contemporary goal setting uses the SMART paradigm- goals should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. It's easy to say I want to be ripped like a fitness model, it's a whole other thing to actually be ripped like a fitness model. I have done all kinds of (unsuccessful) things in pursuit of this goal. All the fitness models I follow say the same things; plan, be prepared, organize, eat clean, work out, sleep well. All these great things that everyone should do. And I like the idea of these things, I just have a terrible time following through on them. Or do I? If I am changing my mindset, then I need to know that I can follow through on things. It'll take some work and planning, but I believe I can do it. So as far as achieving my goal, I will have to break down each of the things I need to do into their own, easily accomplish able goals.
So for example, planning. How can I set a goal to follow through on planning? The irony that I have to plan out how I am going to plan for things- but hey, I think more of us have this problem than we admit. I think a specific goal I can make here would relate to my daily schedule. I can plan out the activities and responsibilities I have each day, and then write it down on a visual schedule. Something easily accessible, that I can carry with me. I use my phone a lot, but I feel like a calendar or day planner might be better. Yes, I will have to take fifteen minutes out of my day to organize my schedule, but I think that's doable. So how about we start small. Every day for one week, I will take 15 minutes in the evening to write out my schedule for the next day, including meal preparation for the day, a workout plan, and consolidating errands and appointments as much as possible. Make up a daily To-Do list, and then crossing those things off each day. That seems easy enough, I think.
2. Maintaining the motivation to follow through on things. I saw a quote recently that said "Motivation is kind of like bathing. It doesn't last, so it is recommended daily". Very true. I repeatedly get myself worked up and excited over 'new ways' of being awesome, that last for about a week. So, how can I motivate myself daily to stick to my goals? How do I resist the temptations to be lazy, to skip a workout or class, to procrastinate on things, etc. Maybe by checking in with myself each morning on what it is that I want. And then actually doing that, instead of just intending to.
3. Participating in regular yoga and/or meditation sessions for grounding and mindfulness. Specifically, I will attend a kundalini yoga class every Sunday from 11:30-1, and practice vinyasa- or hatha-based yoga 3 times each week, whether at home or after work. And I will do this for one week, and then check in again. Realistically, I need to prioritize myself in all the craziness that I call life. Being a stress-case stressing over how little time I have and how much I have to do isn't helping. Taking time out each day (or four days a week) to be in the present moment might just be what I need to do. Again, it might be difficult for me to follow through on this, but as per the above, I will have to make time and prioritize myself.
4. Learn to say no once in awhile. "No, I can't cut your hair before noon, because I would like to do yoga or workout". "No, I can't come to your house, because I always go there. Why don't you come to my house?". "No, I can't work tonight because I need to focus on Luc". Saying no is hard, especially as a people-pleaser. The last thing I would want is to disappoint other people, so for years I have put myself (and Luc) second to cater to the needs/wants of others. But rather than just saying no to people, I will ask them to compromise and work with me. As far as hair appointments go, I have already started offering two or three 'hair days' where clients come to me, instead of me driving all over the city, sometimes multiple times per week. And so far, it seems like my clients are receptive to this. As far as work goes, I know that Luc needs help with school, so I won't work more than three times per week. This is fair, I think. I have learned over the years that I don't like it when people cross my boundaries, but they never know they have crossed them, because I give in all the time. I don't even know what my boundaries are until someone crosses something and upsets me.
That's all I have time for today, besides, this is enough stuff to work on for now. Check in with ya later!
Thursday, 24 October 2013
October 24
Well, it's been about 6 months since the last time I checked in here, so I feel like it's time to start posting again regularly. Whether or not anyone reads it, I just need support because things have slipped downhill quite a bit since the last time I posted. In the same way that the last few years have gone, I don't know what it is about August/September that just get me so depressed! Faaack. It's so frustrating. I'll start off with a run-through of the summer as an update, and then I'll get into that stuff later.
Since the last time I posted, I got a job working at the yoga studio I have been practicing at for awhile, and the job is awesome. I get to hang out with really awesome yoga instructors, I get free unlimited yoga, and I get paid! I made a solid effort to attend a class at least every second day through April, May and June, and I think that was really good for my health and mental well-being. I was taking a course at U of C again, and that was okay (more on that later). However, in June, Antonio and Bianca split up, they went their separate ways, and I lost my free and awesome childcare. I withdrew from the summer course I was going to take, and started bringing Luc to work with me. There is a childcare room there, so we would bring the iPad and laptop for Luc to play with when there weren't other kids, and brought him lots of snacks so I wasn't constantly having to go out and buy food for him. For the most part, it worked fairly well, although he would get whiny at times, and it was very frustrating to have to deal with him when I am also helping customers. Luc was with me for most of the summer, and that was okay, except for bedtimes. We got into the same bad routine of him staying up later than he should be, eating lots of snacks and things before bed, and then having issues with sleep and waking. Once school started again, I convinced Antonio that Luc had to spend school nights at his place, because I can't handle Luc arguing with me about bedtime, and then not waking up when he has school. It stresses me out too much.
For the majority of the spring and summer, my focus was completely on my body and losing weight, as usual, but this time was different. I had started doing a new exercise program in March, but then got serious about the diet, and the weight just fell off. I lost about 15 pounds over the summer, and everyone was telling me how skinny I was, how good I was looking, and commenting on the weight loss. It. Was. Amazing. Except that to lose the weight, I wasn't really eating that much. When I wasn't eating, I was thinking about what I was (not) going to eat next, researching 'tips' on pro-ana websites, and doing various things to curb my appetite including taking pills, excessive caffeine and smoking cigarettes. Yes, cigarettes. I'm as ashamed and disgusted to admit it as you are to read it. But I did it, and it worked, but not without Luc and Tony getting upset with me for smoking behind their backs. I figured since bingeing and purging will probably kill me eventually, and smoking might kill me eventually, which one is the lesser of two evils? One that makes me hate myself and get fat/not lose weight or one that makes me hate myself and lose weight? Yep, the logic is flawed, but I am aware of that. I ended up skipping a lot of my spring classes too, and actually failed the final exam, because my brain was so focused on exercising, losing weight, and meal planning that I couldn't focus on what I needed to learn. Fortunately I passed the course, thanks to acing the lab exams, but still. How did I go from 94% to 40% in the same class?
After the course ended, then I had more time to focus on my body, and continued restricting my diet, although I would binge at night if Luc was around. Sometimes I would purge too, sometimes I could get away with just not eating much the next day and would still lose weight. I wanted to get to 118 - which would be 50lbs down from my highest weight ever in 2011. I got to 128, which is great. I was happy with that. And then the anniversary of Amy's passing came and went, along with another round of bingeing and depression. The day of the anniversary was hard, I am quite a bit more emotional about her passing now than I was when it all first happened. I think that's normal though. I started eating on my way back to Calgary after the memorial service we had at the cemetery on Aug 31 (after getting tons of compliments about how good I was looking), and I haven't been able to stop.
Tony and I went to Whistler for a week; that was amazing! Although, I drank quite a bit while we were there, so that lead to some very bad decisions about what to eat. I would start out well, eating healthily, then as soon as we would go to a restaurant to eat, all I wanted was bread, and cheese, and cocktails - all those things that I usually won't let myself have (if I can avoid it), because I have no willpower to consume these things in moderation. I tried to change my thinking about the situation - "I'm on holiday, I deserve this". Bullshit! Because now I can't stop. I let go of the short-lived tight control over what goes into my mouth, and the cravings have come back with a vengeance.
So, home from Whistler, back to the reality of every day life. Going to school, going to work, my student loans being ridiculously delayed, my birthday- all these things hit me like a ton of bricks and I am really struggling. I keep attempting to eat well and exercise, but get derailed by various things. Even going to school is difficult - I should be more than psyched to get to school and learn about my favorite things (exercise and nutrition!), but I can hardly drag my ass out of bed most days. Luc is really struggling in school - yes, I know he plays too many video games and I need to be stricter with him, but I honestly think he is struggling with the break-up and the change that went along with it. He seems like he is mopey and depressed too, so I think he needs psychological/psychiatric attention. Sooner than later. What has been really frustrating in all of this is that now Tony and I have been fighting a lot - he thinks mental illness is bullshit and that "People should just grow up and learn to deal with it". Are you fucking kidding me? You think I LIKE this??? You think I have been purposely been putting myself through this hell for the last few years? If it were as easy as just changing my mindset and 'dealing with things differently', then I would have done that a long fucking time ago. I believe that eating well, exercising, practicing yoga and monitoring my mental well-being will work to get me through this, but why can't I do it on my own? Am I making excuses? Am I not trying hard enough?
This got me thinking about how things have gone over the last ten years. I really feel like I've regressed mentally and emotionally to how I was when I was 17 - 20. Of course the situations are different, but there are a lot of similarities. Dealing with grief, addiction, really bad spending habits. I was more of a grown-up when I was 25 than I am now. I was on a roll after Antonio and I split up - looking after my finances, budgeting, taking care of Luc, keeping my house clean, doing really well in school. Since Matt though, it's all fallen apart again. Grief, the eating disorder, really bad spending habits (thank you paypal and online shopping!). Although I would say that the relationship between Luc and I is dysfunctional and probably even abusive, so I think that contributes to my (lack of) mental health these days. I can't blame it all on one abusive relationship, there are definitely more things that triggered all of this.
So anyway, there's my confession. I'm not doing well at ALL these days. I keep eating so much that I have gained back ten pounds of what I lost, and it is so difficult to force myself to work out or eat right. I haven't been purging that much, which I guess is good, but seeing the weight come back on is difficult. And I know that being on a restrictive diet for any period of time will inevitably result in bingeing. Yes, I know in theory that taking my pills, taking care of my health, going to school - all these things are good for me, so why am I having such a hard time following through on any of it? I don't think I want to go back to the ED program, they didn't really help me before, so why would it be any better now? But I have to do something about this, I don't think I can take it for very much longer.....
Since the last time I posted, I got a job working at the yoga studio I have been practicing at for awhile, and the job is awesome. I get to hang out with really awesome yoga instructors, I get free unlimited yoga, and I get paid! I made a solid effort to attend a class at least every second day through April, May and June, and I think that was really good for my health and mental well-being. I was taking a course at U of C again, and that was okay (more on that later). However, in June, Antonio and Bianca split up, they went their separate ways, and I lost my free and awesome childcare. I withdrew from the summer course I was going to take, and started bringing Luc to work with me. There is a childcare room there, so we would bring the iPad and laptop for Luc to play with when there weren't other kids, and brought him lots of snacks so I wasn't constantly having to go out and buy food for him. For the most part, it worked fairly well, although he would get whiny at times, and it was very frustrating to have to deal with him when I am also helping customers. Luc was with me for most of the summer, and that was okay, except for bedtimes. We got into the same bad routine of him staying up later than he should be, eating lots of snacks and things before bed, and then having issues with sleep and waking. Once school started again, I convinced Antonio that Luc had to spend school nights at his place, because I can't handle Luc arguing with me about bedtime, and then not waking up when he has school. It stresses me out too much.
For the majority of the spring and summer, my focus was completely on my body and losing weight, as usual, but this time was different. I had started doing a new exercise program in March, but then got serious about the diet, and the weight just fell off. I lost about 15 pounds over the summer, and everyone was telling me how skinny I was, how good I was looking, and commenting on the weight loss. It. Was. Amazing. Except that to lose the weight, I wasn't really eating that much. When I wasn't eating, I was thinking about what I was (not) going to eat next, researching 'tips' on pro-ana websites, and doing various things to curb my appetite including taking pills, excessive caffeine and smoking cigarettes. Yes, cigarettes. I'm as ashamed and disgusted to admit it as you are to read it. But I did it, and it worked, but not without Luc and Tony getting upset with me for smoking behind their backs. I figured since bingeing and purging will probably kill me eventually, and smoking might kill me eventually, which one is the lesser of two evils? One that makes me hate myself and get fat/not lose weight or one that makes me hate myself and lose weight? Yep, the logic is flawed, but I am aware of that. I ended up skipping a lot of my spring classes too, and actually failed the final exam, because my brain was so focused on exercising, losing weight, and meal planning that I couldn't focus on what I needed to learn. Fortunately I passed the course, thanks to acing the lab exams, but still. How did I go from 94% to 40% in the same class?
After the course ended, then I had more time to focus on my body, and continued restricting my diet, although I would binge at night if Luc was around. Sometimes I would purge too, sometimes I could get away with just not eating much the next day and would still lose weight. I wanted to get to 118 - which would be 50lbs down from my highest weight ever in 2011. I got to 128, which is great. I was happy with that. And then the anniversary of Amy's passing came and went, along with another round of bingeing and depression. The day of the anniversary was hard, I am quite a bit more emotional about her passing now than I was when it all first happened. I think that's normal though. I started eating on my way back to Calgary after the memorial service we had at the cemetery on Aug 31 (after getting tons of compliments about how good I was looking), and I haven't been able to stop.
Tony and I went to Whistler for a week; that was amazing! Although, I drank quite a bit while we were there, so that lead to some very bad decisions about what to eat. I would start out well, eating healthily, then as soon as we would go to a restaurant to eat, all I wanted was bread, and cheese, and cocktails - all those things that I usually won't let myself have (if I can avoid it), because I have no willpower to consume these things in moderation. I tried to change my thinking about the situation - "I'm on holiday, I deserve this". Bullshit! Because now I can't stop. I let go of the short-lived tight control over what goes into my mouth, and the cravings have come back with a vengeance.
So, home from Whistler, back to the reality of every day life. Going to school, going to work, my student loans being ridiculously delayed, my birthday- all these things hit me like a ton of bricks and I am really struggling. I keep attempting to eat well and exercise, but get derailed by various things. Even going to school is difficult - I should be more than psyched to get to school and learn about my favorite things (exercise and nutrition!), but I can hardly drag my ass out of bed most days. Luc is really struggling in school - yes, I know he plays too many video games and I need to be stricter with him, but I honestly think he is struggling with the break-up and the change that went along with it. He seems like he is mopey and depressed too, so I think he needs psychological/psychiatric attention. Sooner than later. What has been really frustrating in all of this is that now Tony and I have been fighting a lot - he thinks mental illness is bullshit and that "People should just grow up and learn to deal with it". Are you fucking kidding me? You think I LIKE this??? You think I have been purposely been putting myself through this hell for the last few years? If it were as easy as just changing my mindset and 'dealing with things differently', then I would have done that a long fucking time ago. I believe that eating well, exercising, practicing yoga and monitoring my mental well-being will work to get me through this, but why can't I do it on my own? Am I making excuses? Am I not trying hard enough?
This got me thinking about how things have gone over the last ten years. I really feel like I've regressed mentally and emotionally to how I was when I was 17 - 20. Of course the situations are different, but there are a lot of similarities. Dealing with grief, addiction, really bad spending habits. I was more of a grown-up when I was 25 than I am now. I was on a roll after Antonio and I split up - looking after my finances, budgeting, taking care of Luc, keeping my house clean, doing really well in school. Since Matt though, it's all fallen apart again. Grief, the eating disorder, really bad spending habits (thank you paypal and online shopping!). Although I would say that the relationship between Luc and I is dysfunctional and probably even abusive, so I think that contributes to my (lack of) mental health these days. I can't blame it all on one abusive relationship, there are definitely more things that triggered all of this.
So anyway, there's my confession. I'm not doing well at ALL these days. I keep eating so much that I have gained back ten pounds of what I lost, and it is so difficult to force myself to work out or eat right. I haven't been purging that much, which I guess is good, but seeing the weight come back on is difficult. And I know that being on a restrictive diet for any period of time will inevitably result in bingeing. Yes, I know in theory that taking my pills, taking care of my health, going to school - all these things are good for me, so why am I having such a hard time following through on any of it? I don't think I want to go back to the ED program, they didn't really help me before, so why would it be any better now? But I have to do something about this, I don't think I can take it for very much longer.....
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
April 9
Might have to do this update in two sections, have to run out to pick up Luc from school pretty soon. Since my check-in last week, I think things have gone pretty well. I didn't end up going to my out-patient groups, I'm kinda thinking I'm done with Alberta Health Services, and might as well use the time I have right now to work on more future planning. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how being a professional student, while having it's advantages, maybe isn't the ideal path to follow for a 30-year-old broke-ass single mom (yes, I know, many of you have probably been thinking this for years, but apparently I needed a bit more life experience before I realized it too). I know that I keep changing my mind every few years about what I really want to do with my life, and that every spring for the last four years I've gone through a should-be life transforming series of investments and ideas and education that seem to be derailed every August or September. Honestly, I think it could be cyclothymic disorder (sort of like bi-polar 'lite'), but when I mentioned it to a psychiatrist, he suggested that since I didn't have the characteristic lack of sleep associated with manic phases, then it is probably just 'regular' depression. Or maybe a serious case of seasonal affective disorder. I mean, seriously - every year for the last three years I've 'discovered' what it is that I'm passionate about (they are all kind of similar, with some variation every year - working from home, choosing my own schedule, counselling, nutrition, health, wellness, etc.) but every fall seem to slip back into the depression and concurrent bulimia. So I need to keep this in mind when I am looking into programs, career options, funding, etc. But so far, I have looked into getting into the M.Sc. in Counselling Psychology (yes, the program I was waitlisted for and then accepted into but declined because I impulsively decided to take Kinesiology), and might also see about attending evening courses with the Canadian School of Natural Nutrition, where I could get a diploma for the Registered Holistic Nutritionist program. Definitely something I'm interested in doing, as then it would be a good lead for getting a job while doing the Masters. Not quite sure how to pay for it, and I'm not sure if it would be similar to the Health Coach program I will be graduating from right away here (through the Institute for Integrative Nutrition). Funny that I can graduate from a program without really doing the work for it though - I know for sure that online courses are not a good idea for me. I just have to pass the last test, and then I will be a certified health coach. If the programs are the same, then I won't worry about the CSNN program, and instead just actually do the modules from IIN. They provide a lot of info on running a home-based business based on health and wellness counselling/coaching, so it's basically what I want to do. I won't be able to call myself a nutritionist or dietician though, but will have access to a large array of dietary theories and modules on holistic health, so pretty close, but just without the fancier designations of RHT and MSc, but those could come later. At least this would be a start to getting some money in the bank. I'm not quite sure what to do about KNES though. Should I finish the degree before applying to grad school, or just take the few courses I'm interested in (Anatomy and Physiology, and Nutrition) and apply for counselling psych admission for Fall 2014? Decisions, decisions....still no job yet, but I did send out a couple of resumes.
Anyway, career and life goals aren't really the purpose of this blog, so I'll get into the food stuff over the last week. I had decided a couple weeks ago that I was going to do a liver detox, to clear out all the toxic build-up that I'm quite sure has resulted from all the bingeing, medication, and diet pills over the last few years. I looked up some stuff online, and found a one-day detox with a seven-day lead up, and three-day follow up. The 'prequel' consisted of loading up on leafy greens, cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower), liver-lovers like celery and asparagus, and other things like spirulina, olive and flaxseed oils, and so on. So I added lots of these things to everything I ate over the last week, with the exception of Saturday. I did well in the morning, but then we went to my godmother's 25th anniversary party, and then ate some cake, had a couple drinks, then went out for dinner with friends where I ate mostly according to the cleanse, except I think the dough on my pizza was not multigrain (like I ordered!), and so would be heavy on gluten. But, I didn't freak out about it, and actually didn't even realize it until the next day. We went to a movie, and I just had diet Coke (no popcorn or M&Ms), but had some microwave popcorn, cheese and chocolates at home. On Sunday, though, I was quite nauseous, probably from putting all the 'detox detractors' into my body - sugar, alcohol, caffeine, gluten, so ate fairly minimally on Sunday. Monday was detox day. I boiled up the Miracle Juice (Cranberry, orange and lemon juice, spiced with nutmeg, ginger, and cinammon) while drinking the flaxseed-water colon-cleansing pre-drink. Alternated between the Miracle Juice and water throughout the day, as per the cleansing protocol.
I should know better that anytime I try to go for an extended period without eating (like 5 hours usually) then all I can think about is food. Going the whole day without eating made me want to eat so badly, that I started nibbling on things throughout the evening. I don't know if it wrecked my detox, but probably was better to graze on things, rather than eating nothing at all. Or to binge like crazy, which was becoming very tempting as the night went on. I even woke up in the middle of the night to start planning my binge for today, but woke up this morning and decided not to. I can't afford it, and I would be really disappointed in myself for slipping. And so would anyone reading this. So instead, I finished up the last of my juice with flaxseed (I was supposed to drink that last night, but oh well), and ate some probiotic yogurt with blueberries and chia seeds. I went home after that to take a nice detox bath with lavender-scented epsom salts and a "toxic cleanse" bath bomb I picked up at the Body, Spirit and Soul Expo on Friday night. Decided to make it a 'me' day, which I figure I should take advantage of while I can. Called a friend for support on my way home this morning; by the time I was in the car I wasn't so interested in bingeing, but figured it would be a good idea. So far the day has gone well, gonna go make dinner for Luc and me, then it's off to swimming lessons for Luc and jogging for me!
Anyway, career and life goals aren't really the purpose of this blog, so I'll get into the food stuff over the last week. I had decided a couple weeks ago that I was going to do a liver detox, to clear out all the toxic build-up that I'm quite sure has resulted from all the bingeing, medication, and diet pills over the last few years. I looked up some stuff online, and found a one-day detox with a seven-day lead up, and three-day follow up. The 'prequel' consisted of loading up on leafy greens, cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower), liver-lovers like celery and asparagus, and other things like spirulina, olive and flaxseed oils, and so on. So I added lots of these things to everything I ate over the last week, with the exception of Saturday. I did well in the morning, but then we went to my godmother's 25th anniversary party, and then ate some cake, had a couple drinks, then went out for dinner with friends where I ate mostly according to the cleanse, except I think the dough on my pizza was not multigrain (like I ordered!), and so would be heavy on gluten. But, I didn't freak out about it, and actually didn't even realize it until the next day. We went to a movie, and I just had diet Coke (no popcorn or M&Ms), but had some microwave popcorn, cheese and chocolates at home. On Sunday, though, I was quite nauseous, probably from putting all the 'detox detractors' into my body - sugar, alcohol, caffeine, gluten, so ate fairly minimally on Sunday. Monday was detox day. I boiled up the Miracle Juice (Cranberry, orange and lemon juice, spiced with nutmeg, ginger, and cinammon) while drinking the flaxseed-water colon-cleansing pre-drink. Alternated between the Miracle Juice and water throughout the day, as per the cleansing protocol.
I should know better that anytime I try to go for an extended period without eating (like 5 hours usually) then all I can think about is food. Going the whole day without eating made me want to eat so badly, that I started nibbling on things throughout the evening. I don't know if it wrecked my detox, but probably was better to graze on things, rather than eating nothing at all. Or to binge like crazy, which was becoming very tempting as the night went on. I even woke up in the middle of the night to start planning my binge for today, but woke up this morning and decided not to. I can't afford it, and I would be really disappointed in myself for slipping. And so would anyone reading this. So instead, I finished up the last of my juice with flaxseed (I was supposed to drink that last night, but oh well), and ate some probiotic yogurt with blueberries and chia seeds. I went home after that to take a nice detox bath with lavender-scented epsom salts and a "toxic cleanse" bath bomb I picked up at the Body, Spirit and Soul Expo on Friday night. Decided to make it a 'me' day, which I figure I should take advantage of while I can. Called a friend for support on my way home this morning; by the time I was in the car I wasn't so interested in bingeing, but figured it would be a good idea. So far the day has gone well, gonna go make dinner for Luc and me, then it's off to swimming lessons for Luc and jogging for me!
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
April 3
Wow, April already! Time is going by really quickly. I am registered to start the outpatient groups this week, although I didn't go yesterday, and I'm not so sure if I feel like going today. I am getting more and more frustrated with the program (and Alberta Health Services in general), and am thinking about exploring holistic and natural solutions for my issues. More on that later.
Since the last time I checked in, I went for another job interview (didn't get that one either), and spent time with family and friends over the weekend. I have been working hard to keep E.D. at bay, but I can't help but think it is just transforming into something different. I binged on Wednesday night, Friday night and Saturday afternoon, but no purging. I didn't even work out on Friday or Saturday, and I think I am okay with that. I ran out of my medication some time last week, and kept forgetting to refill it. But now I'm not so sure I will. Research into naturopathic healing suggests that there are plenty of natural anti-depressants out there, and avoiding processed, sugar-laden foods will help to alleviate the depression. Since I started taking Prozac in September of 2011, I have gone from 10mg a day to 60 (the evidence-supported dosage for bulimia) and really have not found it to be all that effective. Yes, there were some benefits, but it was definitely not to the extent I was hoping for, so why pollute my body with chemicals when I can improve serotonin production in my brain naturally?
Which leads me into the potential dilemma I am in right now. Over the last month, I have been doing all kinds of research into raw food, vegan, and vegetarian diets. Which is not a new interest; I did start looking into this stuff last summer before all the craziness went down in September. Anyway, I like the idea of being vegan, although it requires a lot of prep work, and might be difficult to sustain among my Standard American Diet-following family and friends. But, the health benefits are obvious, so why not put in the extra effort to be healthy? I know that following a Western way of eating will give me a body that lacks vitality, is hormonally-imbalanced, riddled with fat, cellulite and acne, and is largely ill-nourished, so why follow that way of eating when it makes me unhappy? This makes sense to me, but I have to wonder whose intentions are behind this? I don't think that I want to eat this way to lose weight- to be honest, right now I don't care about that; I know that my body will adjust accordingly to being well-nourished. Also, I am becoming more and more okay with the way my body is these days- but is that from a change in my way of thinking or is it because I have lost almost 30 pounds since this time last year? I can't really say.
I know that generally vegans are thin, and that some ED sufferers are vegan, but not all vegans are ED sufferers. I know that it boils down to the intention behind the particular way of eating. If I chose to be a vegan so that I would lose weight and have a reason to eliminate a great deal of food from my diet, then that would be ED intentions. But if I choose to add in leafy greens, legumes, nuts and seeds without completely banishing other foods from my diet, then that is okay, right? This is essentially the philosophy of the nutrition program that I am about to finish up with (although a nutrition expert with an eating disorder is kind of like the delusional schizophrenic leading the blind). The program says to 'crowd out' less healthy food by adding in more healthy food. 90:10, good food to bad. And if cravings come up, then explore what is going on there. The founder of the school spoke about his experience following a macrobiotic diet but bingeing on ice cream indicated to him that his diet wasn't working, and to ease up on the rules. Makes a lot of sense. There are modules specific to eating disorders in the program, that I will have to re-watch for more info.
So, I think I will have to tread carefully with my eating. Eat well most of the time, but it's okay to eat poorly on occasion.
I got through Easter pretty well; I did eat quite a bit of candy while I was hiding eggs for Luc. Lots of booze on Friday lead to a chocolate-pizza-brownie binge that night. I think the cravings were from the alcohol plus drop in serotonin, but I ate a lot more than I felt I should have. No purging, but a lot of guilt after. Especially because I kept thinking about how I was feeling throughout the binge- every bite was like a small injection of heroin for me. So good, but so terribly bad. I don't know if Tony
was aware of this, but I felt bad for bingeing in front of him. I don't know if he was judging me for it, but I know that the ED could be the killer of our relationship. I can't remember if I posted it or not, but we had a good, long talk about why I need to get better.
On Monday I had a family therapy session with my parents. My poor Mum is probably irreparably traumatized from it, although that was not the intention. I don't know why she feels she is to blame for Amy's and my mental health, I keep telling her it's more than genetics, it's more than bullying, it's more than parental or environmental influence, but she is having difficulty with that. I'm not sure if we'll go back for any more counselling sessions, and out of respect for my parents, I won't comment on it here.
Since the last time I checked in, I went for another job interview (didn't get that one either), and spent time with family and friends over the weekend. I have been working hard to keep E.D. at bay, but I can't help but think it is just transforming into something different. I binged on Wednesday night, Friday night and Saturday afternoon, but no purging. I didn't even work out on Friday or Saturday, and I think I am okay with that. I ran out of my medication some time last week, and kept forgetting to refill it. But now I'm not so sure I will. Research into naturopathic healing suggests that there are plenty of natural anti-depressants out there, and avoiding processed, sugar-laden foods will help to alleviate the depression. Since I started taking Prozac in September of 2011, I have gone from 10mg a day to 60 (the evidence-supported dosage for bulimia) and really have not found it to be all that effective. Yes, there were some benefits, but it was definitely not to the extent I was hoping for, so why pollute my body with chemicals when I can improve serotonin production in my brain naturally?
Which leads me into the potential dilemma I am in right now. Over the last month, I have been doing all kinds of research into raw food, vegan, and vegetarian diets. Which is not a new interest; I did start looking into this stuff last summer before all the craziness went down in September. Anyway, I like the idea of being vegan, although it requires a lot of prep work, and might be difficult to sustain among my Standard American Diet-following family and friends. But, the health benefits are obvious, so why not put in the extra effort to be healthy? I know that following a Western way of eating will give me a body that lacks vitality, is hormonally-imbalanced, riddled with fat, cellulite and acne, and is largely ill-nourished, so why follow that way of eating when it makes me unhappy? This makes sense to me, but I have to wonder whose intentions are behind this? I don't think that I want to eat this way to lose weight- to be honest, right now I don't care about that; I know that my body will adjust accordingly to being well-nourished. Also, I am becoming more and more okay with the way my body is these days- but is that from a change in my way of thinking or is it because I have lost almost 30 pounds since this time last year? I can't really say.
I know that generally vegans are thin, and that some ED sufferers are vegan, but not all vegans are ED sufferers. I know that it boils down to the intention behind the particular way of eating. If I chose to be a vegan so that I would lose weight and have a reason to eliminate a great deal of food from my diet, then that would be ED intentions. But if I choose to add in leafy greens, legumes, nuts and seeds without completely banishing other foods from my diet, then that is okay, right? This is essentially the philosophy of the nutrition program that I am about to finish up with (although a nutrition expert with an eating disorder is kind of like the delusional schizophrenic leading the blind). The program says to 'crowd out' less healthy food by adding in more healthy food. 90:10, good food to bad. And if cravings come up, then explore what is going on there. The founder of the school spoke about his experience following a macrobiotic diet but bingeing on ice cream indicated to him that his diet wasn't working, and to ease up on the rules. Makes a lot of sense. There are modules specific to eating disorders in the program, that I will have to re-watch for more info.
So, I think I will have to tread carefully with my eating. Eat well most of the time, but it's okay to eat poorly on occasion.
I got through Easter pretty well; I did eat quite a bit of candy while I was hiding eggs for Luc. Lots of booze on Friday lead to a chocolate-pizza-brownie binge that night. I think the cravings were from the alcohol plus drop in serotonin, but I ate a lot more than I felt I should have. No purging, but a lot of guilt after. Especially because I kept thinking about how I was feeling throughout the binge- every bite was like a small injection of heroin for me. So good, but so terribly bad. I don't know if Tony
was aware of this, but I felt bad for bingeing in front of him. I don't know if he was judging me for it, but I know that the ED could be the killer of our relationship. I can't remember if I posted it or not, but we had a good, long talk about why I need to get better.
On Monday I had a family therapy session with my parents. My poor Mum is probably irreparably traumatized from it, although that was not the intention. I don't know why she feels she is to blame for Amy's and my mental health, I keep telling her it's more than genetics, it's more than bullying, it's more than parental or environmental influence, but she is having difficulty with that. I'm not sure if we'll go back for any more counselling sessions, and out of respect for my parents, I won't comment on it here.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
March 27 (continued)
Not really sure why, but feeling really sad and depressed this afternoon. I went for the outpatient orientation session at the Richmond Road Diagnostic and Treatment Centre. After that, I just felt so blah. I don't know if I want to go through with these outpatient groups. I know I probably still need them, but I feel like I am done with the eating disorder program. Nothing helps anyway, so why even bother?
I didn't get the job that I had interviewed for yesterday, oh well, whatever. I have another one tomorrow, so maybe that will go better. I found out that my great aunt died yesterday, and I think that triggered a lot of grief for me. I didn't really know her, she was 91 and in a home with bad dementia, but it's still sad. I emailed my grandmother to express my condolences for the loss of her sister. Cried quite a bit after that, I think obviously because it hit close to home.
I've been having slot of thoughts and doubts about the future and what I want to do career-wise. I feel like the wellness centre that I have been thinking about really needs to be a reality, but I don't really know how feasible it is. Plus, I probably need some more professional training to run something like that. But I don't know that I want to be a psychologist anymore, definitely not one that works in a hospital. I'm so sick of hearing about how many people have been let down by the mental health 'care' provided by Alberta Health Services. It's ridiculous. So I've been thinking maybe about going into naturopathic medicine, as it seems to align more with my beliefs and principles than standard medicine. So I'll have to look into that.
I didn't get the job that I had interviewed for yesterday, oh well, whatever. I have another one tomorrow, so maybe that will go better. I found out that my great aunt died yesterday, and I think that triggered a lot of grief for me. I didn't really know her, she was 91 and in a home with bad dementia, but it's still sad. I emailed my grandmother to express my condolences for the loss of her sister. Cried quite a bit after that, I think obviously because it hit close to home.
I've been having slot of thoughts and doubts about the future and what I want to do career-wise. I feel like the wellness centre that I have been thinking about really needs to be a reality, but I don't really know how feasible it is. Plus, I probably need some more professional training to run something like that. But I don't know that I want to be a psychologist anymore, definitely not one that works in a hospital. I'm so sick of hearing about how many people have been let down by the mental health 'care' provided by Alberta Health Services. It's ridiculous. So I've been thinking maybe about going into naturopathic medicine, as it seems to align more with my beliefs and principles than standard medicine. So I'll have to look into that.
March 27
Since I last checked in, things have been alright. A minor slip on Saturday night; I was on my way back to Tony's and needed to stop for gas. As I was driving up to the gas station, I was thinking about how I wanted some Mini Eggs and hot chocolate. I told myself that I didn't need that; I had a cookie that evening, so I wasn't hungry anymore. But then I thought "well, it's okay to have a treat once in awhile". So I bought the treats, and asked for guidance to get through it. I'm still not sure who I am talking to when I do these prayers and stuff. Anyway, long story short, I ended up pulling over in a parking lot to purge into the coffee cup. Really gave me déjà vu from my coke days. Pulling over late at night to bust a few more lines before getting to my destination, making sure the parking lot is sort of busy so as not to draw attention to myself, but constantly looking around to make sure no one can see what I'm doing. Only this time, instead of illegal drugs, I was hiding my disease from any potential on-lookers. I couldn't help but think about what I would say if someone caught me. Parked outside of a bar, with my head down over the arm rest, probably looking shady to passers-by, throwing up in an empty Tim Horton's cup. What if the cops drove by and suspected that I was doing drugs, and came and knocked on my window? How awful would that be to have to explain that? I wasn't doing anything illegal, just something very sick and kind of sad. Told my sponsor about it, and we talked about how depriving myself completely of these treats makes me want it even more, but I need to be asking for support before and while I'm eating it.
Sunday and Monday went well; I decided on Monday that I was going to be lazy and just stay in. In could have gone home to clean, which is something that I do really need to do, but relaxing at Tony's (much cleaner) house seemed like a better option. Went to the meeting that night, and phoned my sponsor on the way home about the dark chocolate I was going to have for a snack. I had decided that I was going to stop at Community on the way back to Tony's to grab an 80% cacao dark chocolate bar to eat with the trail mix I had bought earlier that day. When I got there, they were closed! Again, I had to put gas in my car, and knew that if I went into the store, that I would be tempted to buy something loaded with sugar and not antioxidants. Fortunately, the Shopper's Drug Mart beside the Petro-Can was open, and I know sometimes they have a small selection of organic stuff there. Phew, crisis averted. Got back to Tony's, had my snack, everything was great.
Last night I was quite a bit more triggered. We ordered dinner from Boston Pizza, and I really wanted to have some garlic bread. I usually don't eat it, but always want it, so this time I thought I would just eat it and enjoy it. Except we only got one order of garlic bread. We both ordered pasta, but maybe my gluten-free pasta doesn't come with garlic bread (which makes sense; if I'm gonna eat gluten-free pasta, then eating white bread seems very contradictory). Anyway, so I decided I would ask Tony if I could have a small bite. Which of course, he said yes. It was delicious. Lots of thoughts were going through my head before I asked him though- "just ask him, it's fine", "no, don't eat it, you still have back fat, it's going to make you fat" "a little bite won't hurt" "it'll make you want more". Holy, what kind of delusional conversation do I have going on here? I had to take a number of deep breaths to get through dinner, which was successful. Was a bit triggered after dinner, trying to plan out when I would have time to work out in addition to the yoga class I am taking tomorrow evening. Washing my face brought about all kinds of criticism about my skin that still isn't clearing up. We laid down to watch The Hobbit, and I fell asleep, so that quieted all those voices in my head.
So, one day at a time is the best I can do. Heading off to OA this morning, then I have the orientation for the Skills group through the outpatient clinic. A haircut in the afternoon, then yoga in the evening. As long as I pack my snacks, and eat regularly throughout the day, I should be alright.
Sunday and Monday went well; I decided on Monday that I was going to be lazy and just stay in. In could have gone home to clean, which is something that I do really need to do, but relaxing at Tony's (much cleaner) house seemed like a better option. Went to the meeting that night, and phoned my sponsor on the way home about the dark chocolate I was going to have for a snack. I had decided that I was going to stop at Community on the way back to Tony's to grab an 80% cacao dark chocolate bar to eat with the trail mix I had bought earlier that day. When I got there, they were closed! Again, I had to put gas in my car, and knew that if I went into the store, that I would be tempted to buy something loaded with sugar and not antioxidants. Fortunately, the Shopper's Drug Mart beside the Petro-Can was open, and I know sometimes they have a small selection of organic stuff there. Phew, crisis averted. Got back to Tony's, had my snack, everything was great.
Last night I was quite a bit more triggered. We ordered dinner from Boston Pizza, and I really wanted to have some garlic bread. I usually don't eat it, but always want it, so this time I thought I would just eat it and enjoy it. Except we only got one order of garlic bread. We both ordered pasta, but maybe my gluten-free pasta doesn't come with garlic bread (which makes sense; if I'm gonna eat gluten-free pasta, then eating white bread seems very contradictory). Anyway, so I decided I would ask Tony if I could have a small bite. Which of course, he said yes. It was delicious. Lots of thoughts were going through my head before I asked him though- "just ask him, it's fine", "no, don't eat it, you still have back fat, it's going to make you fat" "a little bite won't hurt" "it'll make you want more". Holy, what kind of delusional conversation do I have going on here? I had to take a number of deep breaths to get through dinner, which was successful. Was a bit triggered after dinner, trying to plan out when I would have time to work out in addition to the yoga class I am taking tomorrow evening. Washing my face brought about all kinds of criticism about my skin that still isn't clearing up. We laid down to watch The Hobbit, and I fell asleep, so that quieted all those voices in my head.
So, one day at a time is the best I can do. Heading off to OA this morning, then I have the orientation for the Skills group through the outpatient clinic. A haircut in the afternoon, then yoga in the evening. As long as I pack my snacks, and eat regularly throughout the day, I should be alright.
Saturday, 23 March 2013
March 23
Only a few days since my last check in, but I think that now is a good time to post. Since Thursday, I have stuck to my meal plan, exercised in moderation, and met with my sponsor to really start working on Step One. She asked me to take a picture of everything I eat and send it to her - mostly for accountability, but also to give myself a moment to stop and really look at what I am about to eat. So far, I have forgotten to do that more often than not, but I'm working on it. Anyway, no cravings or binges, but definitely some triggers.
I can definitely tell that my hormones are acting up again. I feel fat and bloated, and my complexion is awful. I've been going without make-up this week to see if foundation is what is making me break out, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Also, a friend of mine (who I think has a fantastic body) has challenged me to participate in the Spartan Race in August, and to do yoga three times a week to get in shape. Two things I would absolutely love to do. Yoga I think is fine; I feel like the meditation benefits will be greater for me than any weight loss/toning I might experience, and it is well known that mindfulness practice is very beneficial for many mental illnesses, including eating disorders. The Spartan Race is making me a little bit nervous. It's a 5k obstacle race, that requires participants to be in top shape with respect to athletic prowess and endurance. Awesome, sign me up right now. Heavy strength training and conditioning, very specific healthy diet - sounds like heaven to me. Or is that to E.D.? Am I really interested in being an athlete? Sort of. Am I triggered at the thought of training with and competing against my friend who has a great body, but I am in better cardiovascular shape? Absolutely. I know we'd be training 5 - 6 times a week, running, lifting, conditioning the body for strength and endurance while eating specific foods in specific ratios, at specific times. Yep, E.D. is pretty fired up right now. Not too mention that I feel fat and bloated and my complexion is awful. So we'll have to see about this. I'm not so sure that it is a good idea for me, but I know that my friend is excited to do this. I feel like it is the equivalent of an alcoholic being invited on a pub crawl. Or a drinking contest, or something like that. Challenging exercise and competitiveness just fuels the body image issues and food cravings, so I think I should probably decline participating, rather than please my friend by doing this with her. I know she means well and wants to get into shape too, but this is a toughy for me.
I can definitely tell that my hormones are acting up again. I feel fat and bloated, and my complexion is awful. I've been going without make-up this week to see if foundation is what is making me break out, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Also, a friend of mine (who I think has a fantastic body) has challenged me to participate in the Spartan Race in August, and to do yoga three times a week to get in shape. Two things I would absolutely love to do. Yoga I think is fine; I feel like the meditation benefits will be greater for me than any weight loss/toning I might experience, and it is well known that mindfulness practice is very beneficial for many mental illnesses, including eating disorders. The Spartan Race is making me a little bit nervous. It's a 5k obstacle race, that requires participants to be in top shape with respect to athletic prowess and endurance. Awesome, sign me up right now. Heavy strength training and conditioning, very specific healthy diet - sounds like heaven to me. Or is that to E.D.? Am I really interested in being an athlete? Sort of. Am I triggered at the thought of training with and competing against my friend who has a great body, but I am in better cardiovascular shape? Absolutely. I know we'd be training 5 - 6 times a week, running, lifting, conditioning the body for strength and endurance while eating specific foods in specific ratios, at specific times. Yep, E.D. is pretty fired up right now. Not too mention that I feel fat and bloated and my complexion is awful. So we'll have to see about this. I'm not so sure that it is a good idea for me, but I know that my friend is excited to do this. I feel like it is the equivalent of an alcoholic being invited on a pub crawl. Or a drinking contest, or something like that. Challenging exercise and competitiveness just fuels the body image issues and food cravings, so I think I should probably decline participating, rather than please my friend by doing this with her. I know she means well and wants to get into shape too, but this is a toughy for me.
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
March 20
I had been meaning to write this earlier in the week, but didn't get to it. I think I realized that there was a reason for that, and that's why I need to be writing now. Over a week since the last time I checked in. Since then, I've binged and purged at least ten times, with 6 sessions occuring over the span of four days. I'm not too pleased about this. I was struggling with the small part of me that still wants to do it. I knew I could call someone, but something in me kept saying "Just one more time, that's it" then one more time turns into 10 more. And of course, the accompanying behaviours - lying, isolating. Just for one last time. There were some emotional issues and hormones playing a role in those cravings, and I just gave in to everyone of them.
I had a session with my therapist on Monday, and we talked about my behaviours, and upcoming family therapy meetings she wants to have. I'm not too sure about these; I know it will make me emotional, and I'm still not used to 'feeling' my feelings. So I would like to be a little more stable in my eating before we get into that.
I went to a few meetings this week; the ones today were particular pertinent for me. In OA, the topics were the third step, the third tradition, and the theme for the month. The Third Tradition states: The only requirement to be in OA is the desire to stop eating compulsively. Check. Step 3 speaks of the "decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God..." and faith was the theme. This has been a tricky one for me, because I am unsure of what my faith is; I have always identified as an aethiest, although I did have a short stint into alternative spirituality in high school. But this whole God thing is really making it difficult for me to accept this step. But I finally realized that God is how I understand God (the remainder of step 3), so it can be anything I want. I have intuitively known this, and have been told by others who were initially turned off by the spiritual aspect of 12-step programs. So anyway, that's all good now. If I need to choose a goddess, or an angel, or yoga classes to guide my spirituality, then that should be good.
I spoke about control and surrender at both meetings. I have been watching these nutrition documentaries, and they really have inspired me to nourish my body, rather than damage it. For so long now, and even slightly in the last few days, I have always thought that I needed to find the right diet for me. This has rarely been successful. I still haven't got complete control over my body weight and shape, but I want it so bad. If I could find the perfect way of eating for me, then I could lose weight, have a great body, and everything would be okay. I was reminded of Einstein's definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've been on a 'diet' since I was 12, and have gained and lost so much weight, that it's crazy. I can't do the math at the moment, but I do think I've probably gained and lost over 100 pounds since high school, not including pregnancy. So when is this insanity going to stop? I've tried diet after diet, and they never work. Which was the opening theme for one of the documentaries I watched (if you haven't watched Hungry for Change on Netflix yet, finish reading this and go watch it. Seriously.). Diet's don't work. Temporarily, yes, but not in the long term. Our bodies are naturally meant to seek nourishment from food. So when we restrict our intake, the body takes over with a strong desire to eat food. And particularly food that has sugar and fat. I've known this for awhile, and I think it is fascinating. It totally makes sense that every time I start a new diet, whether it's cutting calories, or whole entire food groups, within about 3 days all I can think about is chocolate and bread and sugar. Because my body thinks there is a famine going on, but the famine ain't coming. So the key to giving that up is to nourish my body with the right nutrients, adding in lots of fresh vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds and legumes, without taking away the cookies, M&Ms or cheezies. Why make such a fuss over this? Label it as "Food I can eat if I want, and don't have to if I don't want to" is certainly a lot easier to deal with than "Don't eat these foods. They will make you fat and they are bad for you. You are a bad person if you eat that food." With the right nutrients in my body, the cravings will fade.
I do have to be careful of this; the orthorexia that has been present for so long is ready to to be the primary eating disorder. I may not have used this term yet, so for those who haven't heard about orthorexia nervosa (ON), it has yet to be granted "diagnosable eating disorder as per the DSM", but is similar to anorexia. The difference though, is in food quality versus food quantity. That desire to eat healthful, organic, naturally-sourced food, limited of pesticides and processing; forgoing animal products, fast food, or commercial products. So what? That sounds like a pretentious-hippie-vegan diet (which, as much as I like to mock those people, I so totally want to be one!). Does this mean that all vegans have eating disorders? Nope. It's one of those fallacies that we learn about in psych class. One of those Venn diagram things with the logical and illogical conclusions: People with eating disorders often adopt vegan lifestyles, but not all vegans have eating disorders. But I digress.
So, the difference between someone with an eating disorder, and a pretentious-hippie-vegan is that someone with ON will avoid social situations, or go without eating if "their food" is not there. Or if they can't order something "appropriate" to the strict guidelines. Which resembles anorexia. Orthorexia is not as commonly acknowledged in the medical or psychological literature, but is starting to garner more notice. It is thought to affect men, fitness industry professionals, athletes, nutrition specialists, and some medical doctors. Wanting to eat healthy is not an inherently bad thing, it's when your life starts to resolve around eating healthy and you avoid people or places because of the food, then it becomes a problem. The test for orthorexia can be found on this website if you are interested in finding out if your relationship with food might be troublesome.
http://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/803218/orthorexia-is-your-healthy-eating-unhealthy
Okay, so what does this have to do with filling my body with nutrients and surrendering control of what I eat? In a perfect world, I would be able to eat what I want, when I want, and never have to worry about weight, but we all know that's not gonna happen. So for a few years now, I have thought that having precise control over what and how much I eat should get me to a place where I will be happy with my body. But I've HAVE YET to get that! I mean, temporarily, in 2010, I liked my body, but that was the summer that all this ridiculousness started! So, instead, I have to have a mindset that I have no control over my body weight and shape, and that if I even begin to start bingeing, purging, restricting, or dieting I am headed for trouble. It seems like such a difficult concept to grasp, because I so desperately want to control every bite, eat only particular foods, and never, ever binge again, and have a perfect body. Well fuck. So, surrender that control over food. Make a conscious effort to stick to my meal plan, talk to my sponsor, and limit triggers as much as possible until they are no longer triggers.
In addition to this, I think I will aim to attend a noon-hour yoga class as many days as I can, to meditate and contemplate about sobriety. I got my karma position back at my studio, so can have unlimited free yoga for volunteering for 2 hours a week.
But, back to tonight's meeting. I spoke about the time I spent with Luc yesterday, and how I am completely give up bulimia, give up control, and get better. Luc and I spent time together yesterday after school, so we went over to my house to hang out. We still have no cable or internet, but Luc was content playing Minecraft on the iPad. While we were there, I decided we should eat up the treats that were still leftover from Saturday's b/p. Luc was happy to eat some cheezies, and half of a cookie, while I ate cheezies, Mini eggs, and two cookies. With lots of diet ginger ale to wash it down. I figured that Luc would be busy with his game, so I could sneak off to the bathroom when I was done. He asked me to play with some Lego, which we did for a little while, and then he wanted to show me a game. I told him I would be right back. While I was in there purging, I noticed some red splotches in there. I'm hoping that they were just from the red M&Ms I had eaten, but the hypochondriac in me suddenly tasted blood. Oh shit. Never had that happen before. So I cleaned up and went to play with Luc. I spoke at the meeting about how he needs me to model healthy eating and nutrition; that bingeing on junk food all the time and then going to McDonald's is not right! As I drove him back to his dad's, he kept asking about when he would be able to come live with me again. I told him maybe the summer, but that we would really have to work on bedtime and breakfast. He argued initially, and I know there is a lot of work to be done in our relationship, but I'm done with letting him down. Not being there, being sick, being absent. I'm done. My son needs a mom, not an eating disorder. So I'm ready.
On the way home, I was very emotional reflecting on this. I used to ask what would it take for Amy to hit rock bottom, and sober up, and I realized that I had hit my lowest. Every time I've binged and purged, I've said it was the last time, but this time I mean it. I'm ready to sober up. I listened to my inspirational songs, and cried, and told Amy to help me out because I'm ready to this now, and I need guidance. So, I've got a few last words for E.D.: "You'd think I'd despise you after all that you put me through, but in the end I want to thank you, for making me that much stronger...Made me that much wiser, made me work a little bit harder, made me that much smarter...made me think a bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter" (Christina Aguilera, 2002).
I had a session with my therapist on Monday, and we talked about my behaviours, and upcoming family therapy meetings she wants to have. I'm not too sure about these; I know it will make me emotional, and I'm still not used to 'feeling' my feelings. So I would like to be a little more stable in my eating before we get into that.
I went to a few meetings this week; the ones today were particular pertinent for me. In OA, the topics were the third step, the third tradition, and the theme for the month. The Third Tradition states: The only requirement to be in OA is the desire to stop eating compulsively. Check. Step 3 speaks of the "decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God..." and faith was the theme. This has been a tricky one for me, because I am unsure of what my faith is; I have always identified as an aethiest, although I did have a short stint into alternative spirituality in high school. But this whole God thing is really making it difficult for me to accept this step. But I finally realized that God is how I understand God (the remainder of step 3), so it can be anything I want. I have intuitively known this, and have been told by others who were initially turned off by the spiritual aspect of 12-step programs. So anyway, that's all good now. If I need to choose a goddess, or an angel, or yoga classes to guide my spirituality, then that should be good.
I spoke about control and surrender at both meetings. I have been watching these nutrition documentaries, and they really have inspired me to nourish my body, rather than damage it. For so long now, and even slightly in the last few days, I have always thought that I needed to find the right diet for me. This has rarely been successful. I still haven't got complete control over my body weight and shape, but I want it so bad. If I could find the perfect way of eating for me, then I could lose weight, have a great body, and everything would be okay. I was reminded of Einstein's definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've been on a 'diet' since I was 12, and have gained and lost so much weight, that it's crazy. I can't do the math at the moment, but I do think I've probably gained and lost over 100 pounds since high school, not including pregnancy. So when is this insanity going to stop? I've tried diet after diet, and they never work. Which was the opening theme for one of the documentaries I watched (if you haven't watched Hungry for Change on Netflix yet, finish reading this and go watch it. Seriously.). Diet's don't work. Temporarily, yes, but not in the long term. Our bodies are naturally meant to seek nourishment from food. So when we restrict our intake, the body takes over with a strong desire to eat food. And particularly food that has sugar and fat. I've known this for awhile, and I think it is fascinating. It totally makes sense that every time I start a new diet, whether it's cutting calories, or whole entire food groups, within about 3 days all I can think about is chocolate and bread and sugar. Because my body thinks there is a famine going on, but the famine ain't coming. So the key to giving that up is to nourish my body with the right nutrients, adding in lots of fresh vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds and legumes, without taking away the cookies, M&Ms or cheezies. Why make such a fuss over this? Label it as "Food I can eat if I want, and don't have to if I don't want to" is certainly a lot easier to deal with than "Don't eat these foods. They will make you fat and they are bad for you. You are a bad person if you eat that food." With the right nutrients in my body, the cravings will fade.
I do have to be careful of this; the orthorexia that has been present for so long is ready to to be the primary eating disorder. I may not have used this term yet, so for those who haven't heard about orthorexia nervosa (ON), it has yet to be granted "diagnosable eating disorder as per the DSM", but is similar to anorexia. The difference though, is in food quality versus food quantity. That desire to eat healthful, organic, naturally-sourced food, limited of pesticides and processing; forgoing animal products, fast food, or commercial products. So what? That sounds like a pretentious-hippie-vegan diet (which, as much as I like to mock those people, I so totally want to be one!). Does this mean that all vegans have eating disorders? Nope. It's one of those fallacies that we learn about in psych class. One of those Venn diagram things with the logical and illogical conclusions: People with eating disorders often adopt vegan lifestyles, but not all vegans have eating disorders. But I digress.
So, the difference between someone with an eating disorder, and a pretentious-hippie-vegan is that someone with ON will avoid social situations, or go without eating if "their food" is not there. Or if they can't order something "appropriate" to the strict guidelines. Which resembles anorexia. Orthorexia is not as commonly acknowledged in the medical or psychological literature, but is starting to garner more notice. It is thought to affect men, fitness industry professionals, athletes, nutrition specialists, and some medical doctors. Wanting to eat healthy is not an inherently bad thing, it's when your life starts to resolve around eating healthy and you avoid people or places because of the food, then it becomes a problem. The test for orthorexia can be found on this website if you are interested in finding out if your relationship with food might be troublesome.
http://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/803218/orthorexia-is-your-healthy-eating-unhealthy
Okay, so what does this have to do with filling my body with nutrients and surrendering control of what I eat? In a perfect world, I would be able to eat what I want, when I want, and never have to worry about weight, but we all know that's not gonna happen. So for a few years now, I have thought that having precise control over what and how much I eat should get me to a place where I will be happy with my body. But I've HAVE YET to get that! I mean, temporarily, in 2010, I liked my body, but that was the summer that all this ridiculousness started! So, instead, I have to have a mindset that I have no control over my body weight and shape, and that if I even begin to start bingeing, purging, restricting, or dieting I am headed for trouble. It seems like such a difficult concept to grasp, because I so desperately want to control every bite, eat only particular foods, and never, ever binge again, and have a perfect body. Well fuck. So, surrender that control over food. Make a conscious effort to stick to my meal plan, talk to my sponsor, and limit triggers as much as possible until they are no longer triggers.
In addition to this, I think I will aim to attend a noon-hour yoga class as many days as I can, to meditate and contemplate about sobriety. I got my karma position back at my studio, so can have unlimited free yoga for volunteering for 2 hours a week.
But, back to tonight's meeting. I spoke about the time I spent with Luc yesterday, and how I am completely give up bulimia, give up control, and get better. Luc and I spent time together yesterday after school, so we went over to my house to hang out. We still have no cable or internet, but Luc was content playing Minecraft on the iPad. While we were there, I decided we should eat up the treats that were still leftover from Saturday's b/p. Luc was happy to eat some cheezies, and half of a cookie, while I ate cheezies, Mini eggs, and two cookies. With lots of diet ginger ale to wash it down. I figured that Luc would be busy with his game, so I could sneak off to the bathroom when I was done. He asked me to play with some Lego, which we did for a little while, and then he wanted to show me a game. I told him I would be right back. While I was in there purging, I noticed some red splotches in there. I'm hoping that they were just from the red M&Ms I had eaten, but the hypochondriac in me suddenly tasted blood. Oh shit. Never had that happen before. So I cleaned up and went to play with Luc. I spoke at the meeting about how he needs me to model healthy eating and nutrition; that bingeing on junk food all the time and then going to McDonald's is not right! As I drove him back to his dad's, he kept asking about when he would be able to come live with me again. I told him maybe the summer, but that we would really have to work on bedtime and breakfast. He argued initially, and I know there is a lot of work to be done in our relationship, but I'm done with letting him down. Not being there, being sick, being absent. I'm done. My son needs a mom, not an eating disorder. So I'm ready.
On the way home, I was very emotional reflecting on this. I used to ask what would it take for Amy to hit rock bottom, and sober up, and I realized that I had hit my lowest. Every time I've binged and purged, I've said it was the last time, but this time I mean it. I'm ready to sober up. I listened to my inspirational songs, and cried, and told Amy to help me out because I'm ready to this now, and I need guidance. So, I've got a few last words for E.D.: "You'd think I'd despise you after all that you put me through, but in the end I want to thank you, for making me that much stronger...Made me that much wiser, made me work a little bit harder, made me that much smarter...made me think a bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter" (Christina Aguilera, 2002).
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
March 11, 2012
I suppose maybe I should check in more often than once a week; the last ten days have gone by really fast since treatment ended. No job yet, but hair appointments here and there, and I have sent out some resumes and applications. The week went fairly well, with the exception of a few slip-ups, which will be the focus of this post.
After Monday night's meeting last week, my sponsor suggested that I try to get to as many meetings as I could, even AA. I thought since it seems to work for other people, then I would check it out. So, on Tuesday, I went down to the New Beginnings meeting, and introduced myself. When I shared my story (the gist of the one from the previous post), I said that I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but that I have an eating disorder that I am doing a 12-step program similar to AA. Most of the people were welcoming, although one man said "This meeting is for alcoholics" in his spiel after I had shared. I didn't think much of it, but some of the other members told me "Don't worry about that guy; anyone is welcome here if you have an addiction that you are trying to get sober from". One woman spoke with me for an hour and a half after the meeting about how I might be an alcoholic, and that maybe I should come to all these women's meetings, and how she could sponsor me. I really don't think I have a problem with drinking, and I'm not really interested in trying to stop right now. Let's get this eating thing under control, and then we can take a look at other addictions. So needless to say, I didn't go back to AA.
I did go to Over-eaters Anonymous, I think that will be beneficial to me, along with ABA. OA members (I don't know if this breaks the anonymity code) seem to be older, but with a history of eating disorders, who now struggle with binge eating. Which is exactly where I don't want to be anymore. So I think it will be really helpful to continue going to these meetings, the few times I have gone, I have really been able to relate to what the other women are saying.
Thursday started out okay, but turned worse as the day went on. I was taking a friend to an appointment that day, and had fallen asleep after breakfast so was late in getting there. We had a nice lunch, and then I took her to the appointment. I decided to go to Starbucks for a coffee while I was waiting. As soon as I got into the shop, all those baked goodies sparked that rush inside of me, about how badly I wanted to eat something, but also how much I didn't want to eat them, because I was still full from lunch. I practiced my deep breathing, and was able to just order a latte, which was satisfying enough. After taking my friend home, I decided to go home for a bit and hang out with Sylvester. The binge urge was very present, but I thought I could fight it. Not so much. Cheezies, M&Ms, pop - what a waste of money literally down the toilet. Feeling frustrated, I left and went back to Tony's, and had some leftover turkey and spaghetti squash for dinner.
Friday was good, I stayed in most of the day, then had a hair appointment, then hung out with Tony. I was able to eat well, sticking to my meal plan, and had gone to a spin class at the gym that morning.
Saturday was alright, Tony had some stuff to do in the morning, so I stayed at his house and worked out. We hung out for a bit in the afternoon, and he asked me what I was doing that night. I really hadn't made plans, but he was having a friend over to watch some music video DVDs. He didn't say that he didn't want me there, but I sort of got that I might feel like a third wheel there, so I told him I would just go to my house. I was pretty nervous about this; as soon as I thought about being home alone, all I could think about was bingeing. I had a couple of offers from people to do things, but politely declined, thinking that this would be a good test of being "with" myself, when I am by myself. I did message my sponsor, because I wasn't so sure I would be safe at home, but she was away on work. So, I thought maybe I would go to a movie, since I have tons of Scene points, and the ticket would be free. With no cable or internet at my house, I knew I would be there, just me and my movies, and E.D. would be right there with me, just like old times. When I got to the movie, I figured I would just have a small popcorn and drink, but then I saw the advertisement for the M&Ms contest - by using your Scene card, you could be entered to win a new car (which I could use soon!) or a one-year supply of M&Ms. OMG, that would be heaven! Or hell? That shit is like my kryptonite - I swear I am more addicted to M&Ms than I was addicted to cigarettes!
So with my large pop, large popcorn, and bag of M&Ms, I wandered into the theatre to find a seat. I've never been to a movie on my own before, so I felt kind of silly, since the theatre was fairly busy. Oh well, I was not focusing on the people in the audience, I was too busy chewing and sipping methodically to mix everything up so I could purge it all out as soon as I got home.
Which of course made me feel like shit for the rest of the night, and all through Sunday. Which made me reflect a lot about the ABA preamble, and Step 1. ABA is available to anyone with a desire to stop insane eating practices (bingeing, purging, restricting, etc.) and the basis of the group is to surrender control of food, exercise, body weight, shape, and size. Step 1 states: We admitted we were powerless over our insane eating practices - that our lives had become unmanageable. Check yes on that one! If there is one thing I learned over the last week, is that I am completely powerless against this disease. Even after 8 weeks of treatment, the urge to binge and purge is still there, and is still strong, and this will be a struggle for the rest of my life.
I found assurance in that at least where some would believe that I have struggled because I didn't try hard enough, or didn't want to be healthy bad enough, that that's why I've had four relapses in two weeks. But I know that there is more to it than that; I admit that I have no power over this, and for that I am feeling more ready to go ahead with the 12 steps.
After Monday night's meeting last week, my sponsor suggested that I try to get to as many meetings as I could, even AA. I thought since it seems to work for other people, then I would check it out. So, on Tuesday, I went down to the New Beginnings meeting, and introduced myself. When I shared my story (the gist of the one from the previous post), I said that I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but that I have an eating disorder that I am doing a 12-step program similar to AA. Most of the people were welcoming, although one man said "This meeting is for alcoholics" in his spiel after I had shared. I didn't think much of it, but some of the other members told me "Don't worry about that guy; anyone is welcome here if you have an addiction that you are trying to get sober from". One woman spoke with me for an hour and a half after the meeting about how I might be an alcoholic, and that maybe I should come to all these women's meetings, and how she could sponsor me. I really don't think I have a problem with drinking, and I'm not really interested in trying to stop right now. Let's get this eating thing under control, and then we can take a look at other addictions. So needless to say, I didn't go back to AA.
I did go to Over-eaters Anonymous, I think that will be beneficial to me, along with ABA. OA members (I don't know if this breaks the anonymity code) seem to be older, but with a history of eating disorders, who now struggle with binge eating. Which is exactly where I don't want to be anymore. So I think it will be really helpful to continue going to these meetings, the few times I have gone, I have really been able to relate to what the other women are saying.
Thursday started out okay, but turned worse as the day went on. I was taking a friend to an appointment that day, and had fallen asleep after breakfast so was late in getting there. We had a nice lunch, and then I took her to the appointment. I decided to go to Starbucks for a coffee while I was waiting. As soon as I got into the shop, all those baked goodies sparked that rush inside of me, about how badly I wanted to eat something, but also how much I didn't want to eat them, because I was still full from lunch. I practiced my deep breathing, and was able to just order a latte, which was satisfying enough. After taking my friend home, I decided to go home for a bit and hang out with Sylvester. The binge urge was very present, but I thought I could fight it. Not so much. Cheezies, M&Ms, pop - what a waste of money literally down the toilet. Feeling frustrated, I left and went back to Tony's, and had some leftover turkey and spaghetti squash for dinner.
Friday was good, I stayed in most of the day, then had a hair appointment, then hung out with Tony. I was able to eat well, sticking to my meal plan, and had gone to a spin class at the gym that morning.
Saturday was alright, Tony had some stuff to do in the morning, so I stayed at his house and worked out. We hung out for a bit in the afternoon, and he asked me what I was doing that night. I really hadn't made plans, but he was having a friend over to watch some music video DVDs. He didn't say that he didn't want me there, but I sort of got that I might feel like a third wheel there, so I told him I would just go to my house. I was pretty nervous about this; as soon as I thought about being home alone, all I could think about was bingeing. I had a couple of offers from people to do things, but politely declined, thinking that this would be a good test of being "with" myself, when I am by myself. I did message my sponsor, because I wasn't so sure I would be safe at home, but she was away on work. So, I thought maybe I would go to a movie, since I have tons of Scene points, and the ticket would be free. With no cable or internet at my house, I knew I would be there, just me and my movies, and E.D. would be right there with me, just like old times. When I got to the movie, I figured I would just have a small popcorn and drink, but then I saw the advertisement for the M&Ms contest - by using your Scene card, you could be entered to win a new car (which I could use soon!) or a one-year supply of M&Ms. OMG, that would be heaven! Or hell? That shit is like my kryptonite - I swear I am more addicted to M&Ms than I was addicted to cigarettes!
So with my large pop, large popcorn, and bag of M&Ms, I wandered into the theatre to find a seat. I've never been to a movie on my own before, so I felt kind of silly, since the theatre was fairly busy. Oh well, I was not focusing on the people in the audience, I was too busy chewing and sipping methodically to mix everything up so I could purge it all out as soon as I got home.
Which of course made me feel like shit for the rest of the night, and all through Sunday. Which made me reflect a lot about the ABA preamble, and Step 1. ABA is available to anyone with a desire to stop insane eating practices (bingeing, purging, restricting, etc.) and the basis of the group is to surrender control of food, exercise, body weight, shape, and size. Step 1 states: We admitted we were powerless over our insane eating practices - that our lives had become unmanageable. Check yes on that one! If there is one thing I learned over the last week, is that I am completely powerless against this disease. Even after 8 weeks of treatment, the urge to binge and purge is still there, and is still strong, and this will be a struggle for the rest of my life.
I found assurance in that at least where some would believe that I have struggled because I didn't try hard enough, or didn't want to be healthy bad enough, that that's why I've had four relapses in two weeks. But I know that there is more to it than that; I admit that I have no power over this, and for that I am feeling more ready to go ahead with the 12 steps.
Monday, 4 March 2013
The Next Steps
So today was my first day alone after treatment ended. The weekend went very well; I enjoyed having Thursday and Friday off to be with Tony, and then had Luc sleep over on Saturday. I haven't slept at my house since treatment started, and I was worried about going there and engaging in behaviours. Luc triggers me sometimes (or I use him to justify giving into binge urges), but I was really feeling like we needed to stay at our house. The night went fairly well, except that our cable and internet got suspended (oops, guess I need to pay the bill!), so Luc was a bit grumpy about not having internet access. But otherwise, the night went well, as did the rest of the weekend.
Back to today. Since I'm done treatment, I now have lots of free time to spend productively, or to spend with E.D. I had some thoughts last night about how I could binge while Tony was gone, and that worried me a bit. Eight weeks of treatment, and just like that I could be right back to where I started. I had a big to-do list to tackle, so I knew that slipping back into old habits would not be productive at all. So, after breakfast, a workout, lunch, and a shower, I got on the computer and started looking for jobs. It took me awhile to re-do my resume, before realizing that I had one saved in my email. Oops. Oh well. Anyway, short story long, I ate all of my snacks and meals, and had no urges to binge at all.
I went to the Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous (ABA) meeting tonight; so glad that I did. I asked one of the members that I had connected with at my first meeting to be my sponsor, and she agreed, even though her schedule was quite busy. She said she wanted to make it as much of a commitment to her as it would be for me to work through the steps. I was reminded on the way back to Tony's of something I shared at a previous meeting.
Back in 2011, just before my 29th birthday, I was experiencing an extremely low mood about the excessive bingeing I had been doing and the subsequent weight gain, and was in desperate need of help. I had gone to a counseling session to register for the Calgary Counseling Centre's Towards Balanced Eating therapy group for binge eating. I explained to the counselor how I was feeling, and mentioned that I was feeling very hopeless and wanted to take some pills with a bottle of wine and hopefully end up in the hospital. I wasn't thinking about suicide, but just a drastic attempt to get help. I needed psychiatric attention soon, and wasn't sure how to get it. After the session, I decided to call Amy, because I wanted to self-medicate with something, and wanted to see if she knew where to get anti-depressants or tranquilizers. She answered her phone (strangely enough, she answered!) and told me to come over to her apartment. I told her about how I had been feeling, and we talked about what a struggle it was to live with an eating disorder. I know how she kept her weight down, and I was almost tempted to ask her for it, but I knew (and she insisted) that even trying crystal meth would be the worst thing she could do for me. I don't need that, I could see how much it had ruined her life. She told me about going to Over-Eaters Anonymous (OA) meetings, and gave me her books from AA and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). I told her I wouldn't use those, because I'm not an alcoholic, and I recovered from drugs successfully on my own. She offered to go to an OA meeting with me sometime, but I didn't take her up on the offer. Anyway, before I get off on too big a tangent, I left Amy's apartment feeling so much better than I was feeling before, and that just talking to her helped so much. I went home, and put the books on my table and forgot about them.
Fast-forward to Sept. 12, 2012, when I attended my first ABA meetings, one of the girls there spoke about an article she had just read in the paper, about a girl who was murdered, and she had an eating disorder and drug problems, and it made this girl realize how glad she was to have found sobriety. As I listened to her speak about her experience with addictions, and was so touched that she had had such a strong emotional reaction to reading that article in the Calgary Herald. I told her after the meeting that the article she spoke of was about Amy. She gave me a hug, and told me how sorry she was for my loss, but that it was great that I was coming to a meeting and looking for help.
The ABA 12-step program is loosely based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, so the Promise that is recited at the end of the meeting is the same one that appears in AA's Big Book. Noticing this after having attended the meetings a few times reminded me of the books Amy gave me just a year before. It was like she was meant to give me those books, and I was meant to go to that meeting. I've claimed to be an aethiest for a long time now, and am really unsure how I feel about the religious aspect of the 12-step programs. I spoke at many meetings about how uncomfortable I was with the whole God thing, and how I don't know that I believe in a higher power. But finally at a meeting in November, I realized that I don't have to believe in any particular religion to know that there is power outside of myself, and that things happen for a reason. I really believe that Amy was meant to give me those books, that I was meant to find that meeting, and that in passing, she stepped aside for me so that I could get the help I needed. I had felt as though I was living in her shadow for so long, and couldn't speak about my problems to my parents (in fear of burdening them with more 'stuff' when they had so much to deal with with Amy). Since her death, I've been able to come out to a lot of people about my eating disorder, and really taken the steps I needed to get into treatment. I have had great conversations and discussions with my parents; it feels bittersweet that in losing my sister, I finally feel able to have the relationship with my parents that I had been longing for.
So I feel like now I am ready to take the next steps on my journey, this time down the spiritual path, by really working on the 12 steps, and embracing sobriety. For ABA, sobriety is defined as the freedom from bingeing and purging, restricting and over-exercise - giving up those desperate measures in an attempt to control weight and shape. This might be difficult for me, but I think it will help.
Back to today. Since I'm done treatment, I now have lots of free time to spend productively, or to spend with E.D. I had some thoughts last night about how I could binge while Tony was gone, and that worried me a bit. Eight weeks of treatment, and just like that I could be right back to where I started. I had a big to-do list to tackle, so I knew that slipping back into old habits would not be productive at all. So, after breakfast, a workout, lunch, and a shower, I got on the computer and started looking for jobs. It took me awhile to re-do my resume, before realizing that I had one saved in my email. Oops. Oh well. Anyway, short story long, I ate all of my snacks and meals, and had no urges to binge at all.
I went to the Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous (ABA) meeting tonight; so glad that I did. I asked one of the members that I had connected with at my first meeting to be my sponsor, and she agreed, even though her schedule was quite busy. She said she wanted to make it as much of a commitment to her as it would be for me to work through the steps. I was reminded on the way back to Tony's of something I shared at a previous meeting.
Back in 2011, just before my 29th birthday, I was experiencing an extremely low mood about the excessive bingeing I had been doing and the subsequent weight gain, and was in desperate need of help. I had gone to a counseling session to register for the Calgary Counseling Centre's Towards Balanced Eating therapy group for binge eating. I explained to the counselor how I was feeling, and mentioned that I was feeling very hopeless and wanted to take some pills with a bottle of wine and hopefully end up in the hospital. I wasn't thinking about suicide, but just a drastic attempt to get help. I needed psychiatric attention soon, and wasn't sure how to get it. After the session, I decided to call Amy, because I wanted to self-medicate with something, and wanted to see if she knew where to get anti-depressants or tranquilizers. She answered her phone (strangely enough, she answered!) and told me to come over to her apartment. I told her about how I had been feeling, and we talked about what a struggle it was to live with an eating disorder. I know how she kept her weight down, and I was almost tempted to ask her for it, but I knew (and she insisted) that even trying crystal meth would be the worst thing she could do for me. I don't need that, I could see how much it had ruined her life. She told me about going to Over-Eaters Anonymous (OA) meetings, and gave me her books from AA and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). I told her I wouldn't use those, because I'm not an alcoholic, and I recovered from drugs successfully on my own. She offered to go to an OA meeting with me sometime, but I didn't take her up on the offer. Anyway, before I get off on too big a tangent, I left Amy's apartment feeling so much better than I was feeling before, and that just talking to her helped so much. I went home, and put the books on my table and forgot about them.
Fast-forward to Sept. 12, 2012, when I attended my first ABA meetings, one of the girls there spoke about an article she had just read in the paper, about a girl who was murdered, and she had an eating disorder and drug problems, and it made this girl realize how glad she was to have found sobriety. As I listened to her speak about her experience with addictions, and was so touched that she had had such a strong emotional reaction to reading that article in the Calgary Herald. I told her after the meeting that the article she spoke of was about Amy. She gave me a hug, and told me how sorry she was for my loss, but that it was great that I was coming to a meeting and looking for help.
The ABA 12-step program is loosely based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, so the Promise that is recited at the end of the meeting is the same one that appears in AA's Big Book. Noticing this after having attended the meetings a few times reminded me of the books Amy gave me just a year before. It was like she was meant to give me those books, and I was meant to go to that meeting. I've claimed to be an aethiest for a long time now, and am really unsure how I feel about the religious aspect of the 12-step programs. I spoke at many meetings about how uncomfortable I was with the whole God thing, and how I don't know that I believe in a higher power. But finally at a meeting in November, I realized that I don't have to believe in any particular religion to know that there is power outside of myself, and that things happen for a reason. I really believe that Amy was meant to give me those books, that I was meant to find that meeting, and that in passing, she stepped aside for me so that I could get the help I needed. I had felt as though I was living in her shadow for so long, and couldn't speak about my problems to my parents (in fear of burdening them with more 'stuff' when they had so much to deal with with Amy). Since her death, I've been able to come out to a lot of people about my eating disorder, and really taken the steps I needed to get into treatment. I have had great conversations and discussions with my parents; it feels bittersweet that in losing my sister, I finally feel able to have the relationship with my parents that I had been longing for.
So I feel like now I am ready to take the next steps on my journey, this time down the spiritual path, by really working on the 12 steps, and embracing sobriety. For ABA, sobriety is defined as the freedom from bingeing and purging, restricting and over-exercise - giving up those desperate measures in an attempt to control weight and shape. This might be difficult for me, but I think it will help.
Saturday, 2 March 2013
Day 36
Well, today was not really what I was expecting. As per the previous post, I had decided to skip program on Wednesday, and engaged in behaviours, which I know is not what I should be doing. I was stressed out and emotional, thinking that Tony was pulling away from me, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to be done treatment on Friday. I went to program in the morning, had my breakfast at the cafeteria, and then headed up to group. The first session of the day was Managing Strong Emotions, but I was asked to leave the group before it started so that I could talk to my case manager. She asked me about what happened yesterday, and I told her. So then she told me that I would have to go home on reflection. Really? Even though I only had two days left? I seriously was not expecting that. They have pretty much zero tolerance for behaviours after the fourth week, and zero tolerance for skipping. So, I could have lied to them, I could have said I was sick (I did have a migraine a couple days before), and told them that I didn't binge and purge, but instead, I thought I would do something different, and be honest. And that was grounds for basically expulsion from the program. Bullshit.
If I had done this in a previous week, I would have been sent home on reflection (to think about how much I want treatment, and if I am really ready for it) for a week, and then would have to meet with the therapist, dietician and other staff to prove that I was ready to come back. But since I only had two days left, then I just had to leave early. Don't stay for any of the groups, don't talk about what happened in psychotherapy; pack your shit, say goodbye, and GTFO. Wow, thanks for the support when clearly I need it. The same thing had happened to another girl a few weeks ago, so I wasn't totally surprised, but definitely felt let down. I realize that I made a mistake; by slipping back into old habits (isolating, using behaviours), instead of getting the support I need, I have to go home and think about it.
I met with my case manager on Friday, and she explained that reflection is not a punishment, but an opportunity to really think about how ready I was for treatment. I suppose since I didn't want to accept 100% of the treatment they were giving (I was more than open to the DBT and coping strategies, just not so much into the nutrition and meal plan they were pushing on me), then in their eyes I am not truly ready for treatment. I can see their point, but maybe this means that their way is not right for everyone? I understand that they are the experts from a professional point of view, but I don't think any of them has actually had an eating disorder, and that is where the problem lies. It's easy to preach and talk about what you need to do to get better, but if you've never experienced what it's like to have an eating disorder (or any addiction, for that matter), then there is no way they can truly understand what we are going through. There is a definite 'superiority complex' that runs through mental health practitioners, and I don't think that is right. If anything, my time at the program has given me insight into how I would like to run my treatment and wellness center, once I have the appropriate training and certification. Treatment needs to come from a place of compassion, not strict rules and rigidity. I understand that they need to have rules and guidelines, but every patient there is different, so we can't all be expected to fit the mold that they are providing. Just because I wasn't ready for their treatment, doesn't mean I wasn't ready.
I have had significant gains since being there; I wanted an interruption to the toxic cycle of isolation, bingeing, purging, restricting and over-exercising, and I got that. I wanted to talk about emotional issues that were triggering for me, and I did that. I don't feel that baking or cooking a meal I don't want to eat is helpful at all, but that has no impact on my success in being free of my eating disorder. As I said in the previous post, relapses are something that can happen in recovery, but I have the choice to keep climbing to the top, or slide back to rock bottom. I will continue to eat clean, nutritious, healthy food, and exercise in moderation. No more starving and over-exercising until I am so hungry that I binge. I don't need to eat cookies and ice cream on a daily basis to consider myself 'cured'. I feel that I have a lot of knowledge in nutrition, so following an actual healthy meal plan (not what they preach at program) will give me far more success than I could ever achieve eating junky processed food every day. I'm strong, I'm a fighter, I can get through this. Day program may be over for now, but I'm not done yet.
** It has come to my attention that I did not clearly indicate that Tony and I talked about what was going on; he was stressed out from his own things (trying to get financing approved for his truck, driving a rental car that he hates, which is apparently a huge deal for a car enthusiast, starting school again, etc.) He was stressed out for reasons that had nothing to do with me, and told me that he still loves me even though I got kicked out of treatment. I over-reacted and assumed I was the problem, which lead me to make bad choices, before knowing that he was stressed about other things. For the record, I did ask him a number of times if he was okay, but trying to get men to talk about what's going on is difficult, as many of us women know! So, just because it wasn't clear previously, things with us are fine, he was not pulling away from me or having difficulty dealing with me being in treatment. **
If I had done this in a previous week, I would have been sent home on reflection (to think about how much I want treatment, and if I am really ready for it) for a week, and then would have to meet with the therapist, dietician and other staff to prove that I was ready to come back. But since I only had two days left, then I just had to leave early. Don't stay for any of the groups, don't talk about what happened in psychotherapy; pack your shit, say goodbye, and GTFO. Wow, thanks for the support when clearly I need it. The same thing had happened to another girl a few weeks ago, so I wasn't totally surprised, but definitely felt let down. I realize that I made a mistake; by slipping back into old habits (isolating, using behaviours), instead of getting the support I need, I have to go home and think about it.
I met with my case manager on Friday, and she explained that reflection is not a punishment, but an opportunity to really think about how ready I was for treatment. I suppose since I didn't want to accept 100% of the treatment they were giving (I was more than open to the DBT and coping strategies, just not so much into the nutrition and meal plan they were pushing on me), then in their eyes I am not truly ready for treatment. I can see their point, but maybe this means that their way is not right for everyone? I understand that they are the experts from a professional point of view, but I don't think any of them has actually had an eating disorder, and that is where the problem lies. It's easy to preach and talk about what you need to do to get better, but if you've never experienced what it's like to have an eating disorder (or any addiction, for that matter), then there is no way they can truly understand what we are going through. There is a definite 'superiority complex' that runs through mental health practitioners, and I don't think that is right. If anything, my time at the program has given me insight into how I would like to run my treatment and wellness center, once I have the appropriate training and certification. Treatment needs to come from a place of compassion, not strict rules and rigidity. I understand that they need to have rules and guidelines, but every patient there is different, so we can't all be expected to fit the mold that they are providing. Just because I wasn't ready for their treatment, doesn't mean I wasn't ready.
I have had significant gains since being there; I wanted an interruption to the toxic cycle of isolation, bingeing, purging, restricting and over-exercising, and I got that. I wanted to talk about emotional issues that were triggering for me, and I did that. I don't feel that baking or cooking a meal I don't want to eat is helpful at all, but that has no impact on my success in being free of my eating disorder. As I said in the previous post, relapses are something that can happen in recovery, but I have the choice to keep climbing to the top, or slide back to rock bottom. I will continue to eat clean, nutritious, healthy food, and exercise in moderation. No more starving and over-exercising until I am so hungry that I binge. I don't need to eat cookies and ice cream on a daily basis to consider myself 'cured'. I feel that I have a lot of knowledge in nutrition, so following an actual healthy meal plan (not what they preach at program) will give me far more success than I could ever achieve eating junky processed food every day. I'm strong, I'm a fighter, I can get through this. Day program may be over for now, but I'm not done yet.
** It has come to my attention that I did not clearly indicate that Tony and I talked about what was going on; he was stressed out from his own things (trying to get financing approved for his truck, driving a rental car that he hates, which is apparently a huge deal for a car enthusiast, starting school again, etc.) He was stressed out for reasons that had nothing to do with me, and told me that he still loves me even though I got kicked out of treatment. I over-reacted and assumed I was the problem, which lead me to make bad choices, before knowing that he was stressed about other things. For the record, I did ask him a number of times if he was okay, but trying to get men to talk about what's going on is difficult, as many of us women know! So, just because it wasn't clear previously, things with us are fine, he was not pulling away from me or having difficulty dealing with me being in treatment. **
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Day 35
As soon as Tony left for work this morning, all I could think about was bingeing. Not getting up and working out like I had planned last night, but no, instead I ate some white toast with Nutella and almond butter, then some rice cakes with almond butter, while watching cartoons. At like 6am in the morning. I really didn't feel like going to program today, so I didn't. Bad idea, I know. But seriously, what are they going to do? Kick me out? I have two days left. So I went back to bed, and slept til 10:30. Woke up, made some pancakes, smothered in almond butter and syrup - I thought I could be okay with having almond butter around, but obviously not. I just opened it on Monday, now half the frickin' jar is gone. I also ate the cookie and half and Aero bar that Luc left over the weekend. I know he won't notice, but still -why can't I resist eating his food? What kind of terrible mother constantly eats their kid's treats? I'm so frustrated right now. I really should have just gone to program today, that would have been much better than what I ended up doing. I went home, and binged and purged. Accidently locked Tony's cat in the bathroom too, so I think he was pretty mad at me for that. I was going to go to the Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous meeting tonight, but I was still purging by the time I needed to leave. Fuck. Sometimes I wish I had anorexia instead of bulimia; it would seriously be so much easier to just not eat than to be so goddamn addicted to junk food. I've probably gained 5 pounds in the last few days from all the over eating I've been doing, now my face is puffy and my throat hurts from throwing up. What the fuck was the point of dropping out of school to get help to be right back where I started? I know that it's a slippery slope, that relapse is an expected part of recovery, but it doesn't make it any easier. I know that I can either keep on slipping back to where I started, or acknowledge the slip and keep climbing Recovery Mountain. I am so frustrated that this is going to be a life-long battle for me; it was seriously so much easier to quit smoking or doing drugs than it has been to kick my eating disorder. I really think the only way I can do this for good is to avoid all those bad foods. Just stock up on fruits and veggies and stay away from bread and chocolate. Trail mix too, I think. It's just too risky.
Day 34
Monday night was okay; I had dinner and then basically fell asleep after taking migraine meds. Today wasn't too bad. I got to make my own breakfast; I got to program a bit late, so just had an english muffin with peanut butter. Yes, I voluntarily chose bread and peanut butter for breakfast, and ate it. Well, if I had time I would have had eggs and oatmeal, but I wasn't feeling stressed out about it after eating it. I've had english muffins with peanut butter a few times lately, and it seems like bread and peanut butter is getting a little less scary lately.
I chose to go to healing arts today; we had the music session where we got to bring in our songs. I have been listening to 'My Immortal' by Evanescence lately; at first the song made me think of Amy, but the more I listened to it, the more it represented the place I'm in right now. So many of the lyrics stood out to me because I could relate it to this struggle with the eating disorder. "I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears"...."Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me. These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, it's just too much that time cannot erase". I've been feeling extremely conflicted lately; I've been trying to trust the program and eat peanut butter and cake and all that stuff I want to avoid, and now I've been bingeing almost every day since last Thursday. I knew I was right that trying that stuff in a 'safe' environment would lead to trouble outside of program.
Here`s the link to the video with the lyrics if you wanna check it out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu7QvOQKcKk
I got to have lunch in the cafeteria today. I ordered pasta with chicken and veggies, but then took all of the pasta out. It was white pasta, so I don`t think it would have been good to eat. I didn`t really look at what my other choices were, it was so busy in there that I just picked quickly and found somewhere to sit. I`m sure it was supposed to be 100% completion on the pasta, but none of the staff was there, so I figured it was fine to eat just the chicken and the veggies.
In psychotherapy, again hardly anyone talked. One of the girls talked about her struggle with the weight requirement, even though she thinks she is just fine at the weight she is. She looks totally healthy, but I guess she is not quite as medically stable as the staff would like her to be, so she needs to keep gaining weight for now. I feel really bad for her and the other girls in the same predicament. These so-called experts on the staff make it really hard to trust the program when so much of it doesn`t make sense. Since no one else brought up issues after that, I spoke up about my insecurity with Tony lately. I don`t know what`s going on, but since the weekend, he has been very quiet and distant (Not that he`s all that loud anyway, but it`s noticeably awkward these days). I think I have pointed out how much he`s done for me too much, and he`s realizing that he can do better. Every time I say how much he does for me, he doesn`t really say anything. Since I know he`s just like me, the fact that he`s not saying anything really speaks volumes. I keep asking him if everything is okay, and all he says is ``yeah``. I hardly saw him over the weekend, and in the evenings we just watch tv on separate couches. It is really bothering me. I think I need to start going back to my house. I think I have taken up too much of his space lately, and he is noticing.
One of the girls asked me how my weekend went, and asked if I had spent some time at home. As we talked about it, another one of the girls said that maybe it`s not my house I am afraid of being in, maybe I'm just afraid of being alone by myself. Since it doesn't seem to matter where I am lately, I am triggered to binge when Tony is out or has fallen asleep, so it's being with myself that is scary. Which brought me back to the first few weeks of treatment where we were challenged to spend time with ourselves, rather than just by ourselves. I guess I am just so uncomfortable with who I am, what's going on, and how I've screwed up so much of my life that I can't be comfortable when I am alone. But I know that I can't expect to never be alone for the rest of my life. I've always been independent, so I couldn't imagine needing to be supervised at all times. And that's totally the spot that I've put Tony in, and that's so unfair to him. It's not his responsibility to take care of me. It's my responsibility to take care of me, and I'm not so confident in my abilities these days.
After the baking snack (shortbread cookies today), I planned to go home and spend some time relaxing. I was still hungry, so I thought I would get a snack. Normal people have a snack when they are still hungry, right - so I stopped at Mac`s and got some trail mix and a dark chocolate bar. I wasn`t sure if this was a good idea, considering that I`d already had trail mix at the morning snack, and dark chocolate at Tony`s house for dessert later. But, I figured I needed to test myself, so I decided that if things got out of hand, then I would just leave. I portioned out my snack (I was quite surprised to find out that 1/4 cup of trail mix works out to be about the same as what they serve in program - maybe they're not trying to make me fat!), and sat down to catch up on some Grey's Anatomy. As soon as I finished eating, I wanted more, so I poured the rest of the trail mix in my bowl, broke up the rest of the chocolate bar, had a few bites.....and then was fine. I was able to leave the leftovers in the fridge, and wasn't triggered to binge after all. Wow, what a surprise.
After the episode was over, I went over to Tony's house. Again, it was very awkward; we ate dinner and then went upstairs to watch tv. We laid down on our respective separate couches, and fell asleep. I had been craving the rest of that dark chocolate bar that was in the freezer, so I ate that and a small handful of almonds (I'm not sure how many, I didn't count them out first). I ate that, fell asleep, then woke up later to have a rice cake with almond butter. And another one shortly after that. Fuck. That's a lot of snacking to be doing at night. One snack is enough, considering all the fat and sugar I had already eaten during the day. Probably ate all of the calories I burned in my workout from this morning. Goddamn.
I chose to go to healing arts today; we had the music session where we got to bring in our songs. I have been listening to 'My Immortal' by Evanescence lately; at first the song made me think of Amy, but the more I listened to it, the more it represented the place I'm in right now. So many of the lyrics stood out to me because I could relate it to this struggle with the eating disorder. "I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears"...."Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me. These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, it's just too much that time cannot erase". I've been feeling extremely conflicted lately; I've been trying to trust the program and eat peanut butter and cake and all that stuff I want to avoid, and now I've been bingeing almost every day since last Thursday. I knew I was right that trying that stuff in a 'safe' environment would lead to trouble outside of program.
Here`s the link to the video with the lyrics if you wanna check it out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu7QvOQKcKk
I got to have lunch in the cafeteria today. I ordered pasta with chicken and veggies, but then took all of the pasta out. It was white pasta, so I don`t think it would have been good to eat. I didn`t really look at what my other choices were, it was so busy in there that I just picked quickly and found somewhere to sit. I`m sure it was supposed to be 100% completion on the pasta, but none of the staff was there, so I figured it was fine to eat just the chicken and the veggies.
In psychotherapy, again hardly anyone talked. One of the girls talked about her struggle with the weight requirement, even though she thinks she is just fine at the weight she is. She looks totally healthy, but I guess she is not quite as medically stable as the staff would like her to be, so she needs to keep gaining weight for now. I feel really bad for her and the other girls in the same predicament. These so-called experts on the staff make it really hard to trust the program when so much of it doesn`t make sense. Since no one else brought up issues after that, I spoke up about my insecurity with Tony lately. I don`t know what`s going on, but since the weekend, he has been very quiet and distant (Not that he`s all that loud anyway, but it`s noticeably awkward these days). I think I have pointed out how much he`s done for me too much, and he`s realizing that he can do better. Every time I say how much he does for me, he doesn`t really say anything. Since I know he`s just like me, the fact that he`s not saying anything really speaks volumes. I keep asking him if everything is okay, and all he says is ``yeah``. I hardly saw him over the weekend, and in the evenings we just watch tv on separate couches. It is really bothering me. I think I need to start going back to my house. I think I have taken up too much of his space lately, and he is noticing.
One of the girls asked me how my weekend went, and asked if I had spent some time at home. As we talked about it, another one of the girls said that maybe it`s not my house I am afraid of being in, maybe I'm just afraid of being alone by myself. Since it doesn't seem to matter where I am lately, I am triggered to binge when Tony is out or has fallen asleep, so it's being with myself that is scary. Which brought me back to the first few weeks of treatment where we were challenged to spend time with ourselves, rather than just by ourselves. I guess I am just so uncomfortable with who I am, what's going on, and how I've screwed up so much of my life that I can't be comfortable when I am alone. But I know that I can't expect to never be alone for the rest of my life. I've always been independent, so I couldn't imagine needing to be supervised at all times. And that's totally the spot that I've put Tony in, and that's so unfair to him. It's not his responsibility to take care of me. It's my responsibility to take care of me, and I'm not so confident in my abilities these days.
After the baking snack (shortbread cookies today), I planned to go home and spend some time relaxing. I was still hungry, so I thought I would get a snack. Normal people have a snack when they are still hungry, right - so I stopped at Mac`s and got some trail mix and a dark chocolate bar. I wasn`t sure if this was a good idea, considering that I`d already had trail mix at the morning snack, and dark chocolate at Tony`s house for dessert later. But, I figured I needed to test myself, so I decided that if things got out of hand, then I would just leave. I portioned out my snack (I was quite surprised to find out that 1/4 cup of trail mix works out to be about the same as what they serve in program - maybe they're not trying to make me fat!), and sat down to catch up on some Grey's Anatomy. As soon as I finished eating, I wanted more, so I poured the rest of the trail mix in my bowl, broke up the rest of the chocolate bar, had a few bites.....and then was fine. I was able to leave the leftovers in the fridge, and wasn't triggered to binge after all. Wow, what a surprise.
After the episode was over, I went over to Tony's house. Again, it was very awkward; we ate dinner and then went upstairs to watch tv. We laid down on our respective separate couches, and fell asleep. I had been craving the rest of that dark chocolate bar that was in the freezer, so I ate that and a small handful of almonds (I'm not sure how many, I didn't count them out first). I ate that, fell asleep, then woke up later to have a rice cake with almond butter. And another one shortly after that. Fuck. That's a lot of snacking to be doing at night. One snack is enough, considering all the fat and sugar I had already eaten during the day. Probably ate all of the calories I burned in my workout from this morning. Goddamn.
Monday, 25 February 2013
Day 33
Talk about a shift in perspective! When I wrote about the weekend this morning, I was feeling pretty negative, but now am feeling much better. The day went well; I didn't have to go to program until after lunch, but ate my breakfast and snack according to program times, and made lunch that would have been acceptable. In Nutrition Planning, we talked about food in the pantry. I spoke about how at home, there is a 'good' side and a 'bad' side of the cupboards. Same with the freezer too, I guess. I buy Luc candy quite a bit, any time he asks for it, or when I want an excuse to binge. He is good about having a few bites, and stopping when he's had enough. Which means I have a lot of candy and sugary stuff in the cupboard, which is generally off-limits for me, except when I was bingeing. Which I always felt awful about when I would binge on his Halloween candy, or Easter chocolate, or whatever was in there. (I know I'm not the only parent who has eaten their kids' candy, but I still feel guilty about it). I'm experiencing the same thing staying at Tony's house; he's got white bread, and peanut butter, and Nutella, and huge containers of salty cashews and nuts, which are 'bad', and I shouldn't be eating them. I don't know that he would mind if I asked him if I could eat it, but the few times that I have it's been during a binge. And I don't want that anymore. So I've decided that living with boys who don't care about calories means there will be 'bad' food in the cupboard, but that's okay. It can just be there. I can eat it if I want to, or not, but it doesn't have to be off-limits for me anymore. If I take the stigma away from the food, then it has less power over me. Peanut butter can just be peanut butter, and I can eat it, and that's fine.
The next group of the day was Emotional and Physical Relationships, although we didn't really talk much about that at all. Some of the girls were feeling quite stressed about going over their expected weight gain, and having to gain more weight on top of the for the next four weeks (so glad I don't have a weight requirement to stay in program, that would be far too stressful). The program wants everyone to reach a healthy BMI, around 20 - 22. The healthy range is 18.5 - 24.9, so this is totally normal. But for these girls, who were underweight, going from a BMI of 17 or less to more than 20 is really hard to accept (each point represents a 5 pound weight difference, so this means about a 20 pound weight gain, which is equivalent to the worst torture imaginable in the eyes of someone with an eating disorder). So anyway, the discussion is about where we find our voices in the struggle between making the eating disorder happy, and making the program happy. We've all had similar struggles, so particular issues we discussed were who decides what healthy looks like, whose choice it is to relinquish the scale to the dietician, and whose expectations are we living up to. I didn't say much at first, so when the therapist asked me how I was feeling, I spoke up about how difficult it was (is?) to live up to my own expectations. I spoke about the secret competition I had with Amy, about how I always felt like I had to be thinner and prettier to be completely better than her. Which I feel really guilty about. Why did I feel the need to always be better than her? Was it for attention? I don't need to be better than her, I am just different from her. If anything, she tried hard to be as different from me as she could. She was the one who was always being compared to me - I always felt like I was living in her shadow, but she had big shoes to fill, following in my footsteps. So she made darn sure to carve out her own path in life! I guess what I feel most guilty about is that in all the superficial competitiveness, I didn't really appreciate her for who she was. Now she's gone, I won the competition because I'm still alive. How awful is that? When she first died, a lot of people said that I would need to grieve the relationship I didn't have with my sister; I disagreed. Not so much now. A set of twins I have known since grade 2 are expecting babies within about 6 weeks of each other; when I first found out, I was really sad that I won't have that experience with my sister. Not that I thought it would ever happen, I am just sad that it won't.
Hmm, kind of got off on a tangent there. I told the group about my success with the scale yesterday - not waking Luc up and dragging him to the gym (or leaving him with Tony) so that I could find out how much I weighed was really a big step for me.
The next group of the day was Emotional and Physical Relationships, although we didn't really talk much about that at all. Some of the girls were feeling quite stressed about going over their expected weight gain, and having to gain more weight on top of the for the next four weeks (so glad I don't have a weight requirement to stay in program, that would be far too stressful). The program wants everyone to reach a healthy BMI, around 20 - 22. The healthy range is 18.5 - 24.9, so this is totally normal. But for these girls, who were underweight, going from a BMI of 17 or less to more than 20 is really hard to accept (each point represents a 5 pound weight difference, so this means about a 20 pound weight gain, which is equivalent to the worst torture imaginable in the eyes of someone with an eating disorder). So anyway, the discussion is about where we find our voices in the struggle between making the eating disorder happy, and making the program happy. We've all had similar struggles, so particular issues we discussed were who decides what healthy looks like, whose choice it is to relinquish the scale to the dietician, and whose expectations are we living up to. I didn't say much at first, so when the therapist asked me how I was feeling, I spoke up about how difficult it was (is?) to live up to my own expectations. I spoke about the secret competition I had with Amy, about how I always felt like I had to be thinner and prettier to be completely better than her. Which I feel really guilty about. Why did I feel the need to always be better than her? Was it for attention? I don't need to be better than her, I am just different from her. If anything, she tried hard to be as different from me as she could. She was the one who was always being compared to me - I always felt like I was living in her shadow, but she had big shoes to fill, following in my footsteps. So she made darn sure to carve out her own path in life! I guess what I feel most guilty about is that in all the superficial competitiveness, I didn't really appreciate her for who she was. Now she's gone, I won the competition because I'm still alive. How awful is that? When she first died, a lot of people said that I would need to grieve the relationship I didn't have with my sister; I disagreed. Not so much now. A set of twins I have known since grade 2 are expecting babies within about 6 weeks of each other; when I first found out, I was really sad that I won't have that experience with my sister. Not that I thought it would ever happen, I am just sad that it won't.
Hmm, kind of got off on a tangent there. I told the group about my success with the scale yesterday - not waking Luc up and dragging him to the gym (or leaving him with Tony) so that I could find out how much I weighed was really a big step for me.
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