Wow, April already! Time is going by really quickly. I am registered to start the outpatient groups this week, although I didn't go yesterday, and I'm not so sure if I feel like going today. I am getting more and more frustrated with the program (and Alberta Health Services in general), and am thinking about exploring holistic and natural solutions for my issues. More on that later.
Since the last time I checked in, I went for another job interview (didn't get that one either), and spent time with family and friends over the weekend. I have been working hard to keep E.D. at bay, but I can't help but think it is just transforming into something different. I binged on Wednesday night, Friday night and Saturday afternoon, but no purging. I didn't even work out on Friday or Saturday, and I think I am okay with that. I ran out of my medication some time last week, and kept forgetting to refill it. But now I'm not so sure I will. Research into naturopathic healing suggests that there are plenty of natural anti-depressants out there, and avoiding processed, sugar-laden foods will help to alleviate the depression. Since I started taking Prozac in September of 2011, I have gone from 10mg a day to 60 (the evidence-supported dosage for bulimia) and really have not found it to be all that effective. Yes, there were some benefits, but it was definitely not to the extent I was hoping for, so why pollute my body with chemicals when I can improve serotonin production in my brain naturally?
Which leads me into the potential dilemma I am in right now. Over the last month, I have been doing all kinds of research into raw food, vegan, and vegetarian diets. Which is not a new interest; I did start looking into this stuff last summer before all the craziness went down in September. Anyway, I like the idea of being vegan, although it requires a lot of prep work, and might be difficult to sustain among my Standard American Diet-following family and friends. But, the health benefits are obvious, so why not put in the extra effort to be healthy? I know that following a Western way of eating will give me a body that lacks vitality, is hormonally-imbalanced, riddled with fat, cellulite and acne, and is largely ill-nourished, so why follow that way of eating when it makes me unhappy? This makes sense to me, but I have to wonder whose intentions are behind this? I don't think that I want to eat this way to lose weight- to be honest, right now I don't care about that; I know that my body will adjust accordingly to being well-nourished. Also, I am becoming more and more okay with the way my body is these days- but is that from a change in my way of thinking or is it because I have lost almost 30 pounds since this time last year? I can't really say.
I know that generally vegans are thin, and that some ED sufferers are vegan, but not all vegans are ED sufferers. I know that it boils down to the intention behind the particular way of eating. If I chose to be a vegan so that I would lose weight and have a reason to eliminate a great deal of food from my diet, then that would be ED intentions. But if I choose to add in leafy greens, legumes, nuts and seeds without completely banishing other foods from my diet, then that is okay, right? This is essentially the philosophy of the nutrition program that I am about to finish up with (although a nutrition expert with an eating disorder is kind of like the delusional schizophrenic leading the blind). The program says to 'crowd out' less healthy food by adding in more healthy food. 90:10, good food to bad. And if cravings come up, then explore what is going on there. The founder of the school spoke about his experience following a macrobiotic diet but bingeing on ice cream indicated to him that his diet wasn't working, and to ease up on the rules. Makes a lot of sense. There are modules specific to eating disorders in the program, that I will have to re-watch for more info.
So, I think I will have to tread carefully with my eating. Eat well most of the time, but it's okay to eat poorly on occasion.
I got through Easter pretty well; I did eat quite a bit of candy while I was hiding eggs for Luc. Lots of booze on Friday lead to a chocolate-pizza-brownie binge that night. I think the cravings were from the alcohol plus drop in serotonin, but I ate a lot more than I felt I should have. No purging, but a lot of guilt after. Especially because I kept thinking about how I was feeling throughout the binge- every bite was like a small injection of heroin for me. So good, but so terribly bad. I don't know if Tony
was aware of this, but I felt bad for bingeing in front of him. I don't know if he was judging me for it, but I know that the ED could be the killer of our relationship. I can't remember if I posted it or not, but we had a good, long talk about why I need to get better.
On Monday I had a family therapy session with my parents. My poor Mum is probably irreparably traumatized from it, although that was not the intention. I don't know why she feels she is to blame for Amy's and my mental health, I keep telling her it's more than genetics, it's more than bullying, it's more than parental or environmental influence, but she is having difficulty with that. I'm not sure if we'll go back for any more counselling sessions, and out of respect for my parents, I won't comment on it here.
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