Update time again, really need to do this more often! Last time I checked in, I was struggling with hormone- and stress-related bingeing, which seems to be mostly in-check now, since, ahem, Aunt Flo stopped by. I intend to do some research into supplementation to help with this; I have heard that Vitamin B6 is good. Anyway, so I'm eating mostly healthy, I had a bit of a binge on Sunday night, but no purging in quite some time. So that's great.
On the relationship front, Tony and I had a big discussion about how things have been going, and so that has been tough for me. In the end, we decided to try to work on things- I need to work on my parenting and discipline, but have asked for his support. I would like him to be more involved with my life outside of our relationship- I want him to want to come out with me to things, and not always have a reason why he can't come. I understand that sometimes that things come up; he has a life too, and I respect that. But it feels like I really have to pressure him to spend time with me outside of his house, and I don't like that. At this point, we are still together, but haven't seen each other in nearly two weeks, so I guess we will see how things go over the holidays.
As far as Luc goes, I am still struggling with him. I let him stay home one day last week because "he was tired", and then the next day I was tired, so I let him stay home that day too. Then on Friday, he didn't want to go because it was only a half day. Then he missed school this past Tuesday because of the crappy roads. Now trying to get him up and dressed for school is really tough. I know it is irresponsible to let him stay home, and I regret the choices that I made. He is constantly complaining about how bored he is, but then refuses to do any school work, and is not interested in any activities. I took him to a parkour class a couple weeks ago, which he seemed to enjoy, but has since not been interested in going. In the new year, I definitely plan to get him into some activities; I know it will be good for him.
I took on another job too; in addition to school, Luc, hair styling, and the yoga studio. I must be crazy. But the new car that I bought is quite expensive, and I don't know that I will be able to afford it come January. The new job is at World Health, which has been somewhere I have been interested in working for quite some time. Goes well with my KNES degree, so that's good. The job title is "Fitness Coach", but I realized last night (my first shift) that that title is quite deceiving. It should be more like "Member Relations rep" or something. The job description is along the lines of "to host the party- build rapport with members, and specifically interact with high-risk members"- the ones who don't come to the gym that often and might end up cancelling their membership. So basically, I walk around and talk to people and get paid. Pretty sweet, except that I have to approach people in the gym, while they are working out, and talk to them. This is quite out of my comfort zone; I am good at talking to people when they come to me (i.e. I stay behind the desk and they come to me), but it is a lot scarier to have to go to them. I have been thinking about this quite a bit over the last 24 hours. On the job, I was thinking "I don't think I can do this, this is really scary". But then, I got thinking why? What is so scary about approaching people and talking to them? Usually this isn't something I do. Maybe once I've had a couple drinks in me, but I don't think that would go over so well at work. What am I afraid of? I realized last night that this job is hitting my deep-rooted fear of rejection that has been lurking inside of me for so long. It shouldn't be scary to approach people and say hi, but I am reminded of experiences in elementary school where I would ask my "friends" if I could sit with them, and would sometimes be told no. Then they would make fun of me, regardless of whether or not I could hear them. One experience in grade 5 was particularly traumatic for me, and I think it is probably why I am so terrified to approach people. The gist of the story is that I asked the kids who had recently been my friends if I could sit with them at lunch and play cards with them; they said no, so I sat at my desk and ate while the kids made fun of me by calling me a fat cow and other names. There was a girl that had come to sit with me, which was so kind of her, but I guess I was so focused on the mean kids and their cruel words that I found it difficult to focus on the positive. I can still remember leaving the classroom after lunch, going to find my sister, and then crying in the bathroom because I was so upset. Some girls from the other grade 5 class saw me in there, and felt bad for me; they invited me to sit with them during a movie their teacher was showing, instead of going back to my classroom. No friendships came out of that though; the next day I went back to my own classroom and accepted my place as the fat girl with braces that not many people liked. I don't know why, I wasn't mean to them; in fact, I desperately wanted them to like me, but I don't know why they didn't. I'm sure if I asked any of them now, they wouldn't even know why.
So I realized this morning that I am afraid to approach people because they might say "Eww, Fat Girl, get away from me. You are not welcome here" and then laugh at me as I walk away. I got through it last night, it was a bit awkward approaching people, but I found that if I walked around and smiled at people and/or said hi, the strangest thing would happen sometimes. Some people would smile back, some people would say hi, and some would even take off their headphones and talk to me! Shake my hand and everything! Oh my god! Some people weren't as chatty, but that's okay. Plus, I know it will take me a little while to get into my 'groove' of approaching people, and have thought about asking if I can hang out at the reception desk and greet people there first, rather than 'interrupting' them in their workout. So why am I letting something that happened 21 years ago (and I am cringing as I write this) affect me to this day?
Last night, Steve, the fitness manager who has been training me, made a comment about one of the 'high-risk' members that he approached to show me what to do, basically. Apparently, this woman used to come to the gym all the time, but doesn't anymore. She was a bit cold when he was talking to her, but she did chat briefly. After that, we went back to the desk and he commented about how she had her "bitch face" on - headphones on, on the treadmill closest to the wall, away from people, not making eye contact with anyone. Huh. That's how I workout. And I rarely ever had club members or staff members approaching me when I would work out, other than to ask if I was finished with whatever equipment I had been using. And at school, people don't readily approach me and talk to me either, because I come into the class, find a seat away in the third or fourth row, with at least one seat in between me and the next person. Then I put my glasses on (which kind of blocks my peripheral vision), and I look down at my paper, or check my phone, without really talking to anyone. I will say hi to people I have been forced to meet through group projects, and usually they are very nice. Do I go around most places with my "bitch face" on? Maybe? I am reminded of how people used to tell me all the time that "I
thought you were a snob when I first met you, but you're actually really
nice". It wasn't at all that I was a snob, it was that I was terrified
to talk to them, or say the wrong thing, or do something that would
make them not like me. And, as it turned out, they did like me! Once I
opened up a bit. Which I do more quickly these days; I'm not nearly as
awkward as I was 10 or 15 years ago. In one of my classes, we have to grade each other for a group presentation, and I am terrified of being graded poorly by these people. But why would they? Because I contributed ideas to the presentation? Because I wanted to have a speaking part in the presentation, and I helped contribute to the written background paper? Why would these people grade me poorly for this? Again, that fear of "Eww, Fat Girl. We don't like you." Which I am hoping is not true.
It seems like I still have some work to do on the confidence front, so I think this job will actually be perfect for me. Terrifying, maybe, but probably incredibly rewarding. I don't know where the quote comes from that's on most Lululemon tote bags, but it is resonating strongly with me today. "Do something every day that scares you". There are lots of things I am scared of, and that I avoid, because it's easier than taking the risk. But what's the big risk here? That someone might not say hi to me? Big frickin deal, honey. Get over it. Which is exactly what I plan to do.
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