Time to write out some feelings, rather than eating them. Well, things are definitely done with Tony and I; we talked again on Saturday, because I wanted him to join Luc and I for dinner. I thought it would be good if we met somewhere neutral, like at a restaurant, so that the three of us could spend time together. Plus, Luc doesn't like going to Tony's, and Tony doesn't like to come to my house. Everybody wins, right? Nope, I guess not. His response was "there's no point in us being together right now if Luc doesn't like going there". We talked, and basically it felt like he wants things to be different with Luc, but doesn't want to be involved in making the change. I had hoped that if we scaled things back and let him and Luc bond, then maybe over time, things would improve. Oh well, I guess. If he doesn't want to be Luc's step-dad, there is no point in trying.
So then, over the last week, I started talking to another guy, Andrew. A friend of a friend, good looking. Probably not a good idea to start dating again right away, but it's always nice when someone tells you they think you are hot. Especially when the feeling is mutual. So anyway, last night, Andrew posts something on my Facebook wall about "can't wait to see you", which I deleted so that no one would see. Like Tony. But, that didn't work out. He saw it. And he asked me about it. But what was worse, was that he didn't really seem that upset about it. Just said to "be careful, take care of yourself online". Now, before 7am, I had Andrew upset with me for deleting the post, and Tony probably thinking I was cheating on him. Not to mention another "friend" who suddenly starts texting me once I told him I was single again. FML.
So this stuff has got me thinking about expectations. I'm upset about things with Tony, but at the same time, I had been second guessing it anyway. I had been thinking maybe he was "the one", but then again, I seem to think every guy is "the one"- and then when it fizzles, I'm heartbroken more because of the loss of my "happily ever after" than the loss of the guy. I don't really think any of the guys that I have been "in love" with were "the one". New, hot guys that come along probably aren't "the one" either. So how do I move forward now in search of a romantic partnership that doesn't restart the fantasy of our life together? I think some soul searching is probably in need here, for sure. I think I know what I want in a man, and honestly, none of the guys I have dated or had serious relationships have had all of those things. So I settle for the first guy that comes along that shows interest in me, but that doesn't help. Keep my standards high and be very choosy? But then what if I never find "the one". Settle for Mr. Good-Enough? I'm not really happy with that though? Give up men altogether and just focus on Luc? That's making me miserable though. I want to find someone to share my life with, but maybe that's just a waste of time? From my history with men, they seem to just cause trouble for me (hello, ED), so maybe it's time to just take a step back and focus on myself. I definitely DO NOT want to fall back into old habits, and so far so good. I've been eating pretty clean lately, and am really happy with the way my arms are starting to shape up. But if I think about my history after break ups......but again, like my post a few weeks ago, if I expect certain things to happen, then they will. If I expect to get depressed and gain weight, then I will. If I expect that I can get through this like a champ, and focus on my self-care, then it doesn't have to be bad, right?
Anyway, I guess I just need to learn to make peace with myself, and not be in such a hurry to fall in love all the time. Maybe just keep my distance from men for awhile. Focus on myself, focus on Luc, and maybe everything will fall into place. If I expect that Luc will start listening to me and start behaving better, maybe he will right? I friggin hope so!
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