Well, it's been about 6 months since the last time I checked in here, so I feel like it's time to start posting again regularly. Whether or not anyone reads it, I just need support because things have slipped downhill quite a bit since the last time I posted. In the same way that the last few years have gone, I don't know what it is about August/September that just get me so depressed! Faaack. It's so frustrating. I'll start off with a run-through of the summer as an update, and then I'll get into that stuff later.
Since the last time I posted, I got a job working at the yoga studio I have been practicing at for awhile, and the job is awesome. I get to hang out with really awesome yoga instructors, I get free unlimited yoga, and I get paid! I made a solid effort to attend a class at least every second day through April, May and June, and I think that was really good for my health and mental well-being. I was taking a course at U of C again, and that was okay (more on that later). However, in June, Antonio and Bianca split up, they went their separate ways, and I lost my free and awesome childcare. I withdrew from the summer course I was going to take, and started bringing Luc to work with me. There is a childcare room there, so we would bring the iPad and laptop for Luc to play with when there weren't other kids, and brought him lots of snacks so I wasn't constantly having to go out and buy food for him. For the most part, it worked fairly well, although he would get whiny at times, and it was very frustrating to have to deal with him when I am also helping customers. Luc was with me for most of the summer, and that was okay, except for bedtimes. We got into the same bad routine of him staying up later than he should be, eating lots of snacks and things before bed, and then having issues with sleep and waking. Once school started again, I convinced Antonio that Luc had to spend school nights at his place, because I can't handle Luc arguing with me about bedtime, and then not waking up when he has school. It stresses me out too much.
For the majority of the spring and summer, my focus was completely on my body and losing weight, as usual, but this time was different. I had started doing a new exercise program in March, but then got serious about the diet, and the weight just fell off. I lost about 15 pounds over the summer, and everyone was telling me how skinny I was, how good I was looking, and commenting on the weight loss. It. Was. Amazing. Except that to lose the weight, I wasn't really eating that much. When I wasn't eating, I was thinking about what I was (not) going to eat next, researching 'tips' on pro-ana websites, and doing various things to curb my appetite including taking pills, excessive caffeine and smoking cigarettes. Yes, cigarettes. I'm as ashamed and disgusted to admit it as you are to read it. But I did it, and it worked, but not without Luc and Tony getting upset with me for smoking behind their backs. I figured since bingeing and purging will probably kill me eventually, and smoking might kill me eventually, which one is the lesser of two evils? One that makes me hate myself and get fat/not lose weight or one that makes me hate myself and lose weight? Yep, the logic is flawed, but I am aware of that. I ended up skipping a lot of my spring classes too, and actually failed the final exam, because my brain was so focused on exercising, losing weight, and meal planning that I couldn't focus on what I needed to learn. Fortunately I passed the course, thanks to acing the lab exams, but still. How did I go from 94% to 40% in the same class?
After the course ended, then I had more time to focus on my body, and continued restricting my diet, although I would binge at night if Luc was around. Sometimes I would purge too, sometimes I could get away with just not eating much the next day and would still lose weight. I wanted to get to 118 - which would be 50lbs down from my highest weight ever in 2011. I got to 128, which is great. I was happy with that. And then the anniversary of Amy's passing came and went, along with another round of bingeing and depression. The day of the anniversary was hard, I am quite a bit more emotional about her passing now than I was when it all first happened. I think that's normal though. I started eating on my way back to Calgary after the memorial service we had at the cemetery on Aug 31 (after getting tons of compliments about how good I was looking), and I haven't been able to stop.
Tony and I went to Whistler for a week; that was amazing! Although, I drank quite a bit while we were there, so that lead to some very bad decisions about what to eat. I would start out well, eating healthily, then as soon as we would go to a restaurant to eat, all I wanted was bread, and cheese, and cocktails - all those things that I usually won't let myself have (if I can avoid it), because I have no willpower to consume these things in moderation. I tried to change my thinking about the situation - "I'm on holiday, I deserve this". Bullshit! Because now I can't stop. I let go of the short-lived tight control over what goes into my mouth, and the cravings have come back with a vengeance.
So, home from Whistler, back to the reality of every day life. Going to school, going to work, my student loans being ridiculously delayed, my birthday- all these things hit me like a ton of bricks and I am really struggling. I keep attempting to eat well and exercise, but get derailed by various things. Even going to school is difficult - I should be more than psyched to get to school and learn about my favorite things (exercise and nutrition!), but I can hardly drag my ass out of bed most days. Luc is really struggling in school - yes, I know he plays too many video games and I need to be stricter with him, but I honestly think he is struggling with the break-up and the change that went along with it. He seems like he is mopey and depressed too, so I think he needs psychological/psychiatric attention. Sooner than later. What has been really frustrating in all of this is that now Tony and I have been fighting a lot - he thinks mental illness is bullshit and that "People should just grow up and learn to deal with it". Are you fucking kidding me? You think I LIKE this??? You think I have been purposely been putting myself through this hell for the last few years? If it were as easy as just changing my mindset and 'dealing with things differently', then I would have done that a long fucking time ago. I believe that eating well, exercising, practicing yoga and monitoring my mental well-being will work to get me through this, but why can't I do it on my own? Am I making excuses? Am I not trying hard enough?
This got me thinking about how things have gone over the last ten years. I really feel like I've regressed mentally and emotionally to how I was when I was 17 - 20. Of course the situations are different, but there are a lot of similarities. Dealing with grief, addiction, really bad spending habits. I was more of a grown-up when I was 25 than I am now. I was on a roll after Antonio and I split up - looking after my finances, budgeting, taking care of Luc, keeping my house clean, doing really well in school. Since Matt though, it's all fallen apart again. Grief, the eating disorder, really bad spending habits (thank you paypal and online shopping!). Although I would say that the relationship between Luc and I is dysfunctional and probably even abusive, so I think that contributes to my (lack of) mental health these days. I can't blame it all on one abusive relationship, there are definitely more things that triggered all of this.
So anyway, there's my confession. I'm not doing well at ALL these days. I keep eating so much that I have gained back ten pounds of what I lost, and it is so difficult to force myself to work out or eat right. I haven't been purging that much, which I guess is good, but seeing the weight come back on is difficult. And I know that being on a restrictive diet for any period of time will inevitably result in bingeing. Yes, I know in theory that taking my pills, taking care of my health, going to school - all these things are good for me, so why am I having such a hard time following through on any of it? I don't think I want to go back to the ED program, they didn't really help me before, so why would it be any better now? But I have to do something about this, I don't think I can take it for very much longer.....
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