I am finishing this blog after a few months of neglect. My journey to recovery is nowhere near complete, but I have been doing a lot of learning and thinking about where I am in this moment, and how I can apply this knowledge to create positive changes. I started this blog to document my experience of eating disorder treatment, and how I was going to get through it. I went to treatment, I went to 12-step programs. I went to yoga classes and listened to webinars, but then I just went back to how things were before. I have realized that I have been holding myself back from rising above that which I think holds me back. I stopped blogging because I felt that I was falling back or detouring from the path to recovery, and I am ready to be done with that. I can't change what happened, but I can accept it as it is, and move on from it. You can follow me on that new journey here www.livewellwithsteff.blogspot.com.
But for those of you who followed me on my journey, I feel like I need to fill you in on how things have gone since I fell off my intention to post daily. I quickly got back into a cycle of bingeing and purging, which was then followed up by intense restricting. The yoga immersion was amazing, but it was definitely triggering. It brought up a lot of those things that I thought I had worked on in treatment, that maybe I wasn't quite done with yet. I have been thinking a lot about my mindset in treatment, and the disease model of treatment. While I do believe that addiction is a disease, I wonder about the impact of considering oneself to be sick. Am I sick because I have a disease? Or do I continue to have a disease because I think I am sick? Through watching various webinars from yoga teachers, and observing those around me who are also suffering, I have started to question how much power the mind has over our state of wellness. If I think that I am on a journey to recovery, what does that mean? What does recovery mean? Abstaining from those behaviours? A recovered alcoholic is one who no longer drinks, but does that necessarily mean they are fully recovered? I have found it extremely hard to abstain from certain foods, thoughts, and behaviours, so this is why I am shifting my focus. But, I digress.
Between bingeing and purging, restricting and exercising, my weight has shifted a little bit- I lost ten pounds then gained it back. My school work suffered- yet another semester where I was completely caught up in what I was eating and not on what I needed to be doing. I struggled with thoughts about what I would like my body to be- I went back and forth between wanting a fit, healthy body, and wanting a skinny, emaciated body. I read books about recovered anorexics to pick up tricks. I tried fasts and ketogenic diets in an effort to lose weight quickly. I set a goal of losing 30 pounds in three months. All of these ended in "failure" and negative self-talk, for not achieving these unrealistic goals I had set for myself.
I've come to realize that I no longer want to live like this. I want to be more than recovered, I want to be healthy. Food should be my medicine, not my drug. So, I am choosing to close the door on recovery, and start a new journey to wellness.
Friday, 23 May 2014
Wednesday, 8 January 2014
January 8, 2014
I just wanted to check in about how things are going. Since the last time I posted, I had two more days in the immersion, and I would like to reflect on that here. In the sessions, we worked on dyads, which are two-person conversations where one person speaks, and the other person listens while only responding with the words "Thank you" after the speaker is finished. Specific questions are poised, and speaking can be very difficult, emotional, therapeutic. The questions can be very deep, and force you to sometimes go to a place you are not always willing to go. The questions we worked on were "Tell me how you love", Tell me how you would like to love", "Tell me how you are mean to yourself", and "Tell me how you show kindness to yourself". The latter two questions were particularly poignant for me, in that I had many things to say about how I am mean to myself, and not so much to say about how I am kind to myself. After speaking and then listening to my partner, I had a lot to reflect on about ways I can be kinder to myself. In the group discussion we had after the dyads, one girl spoke about an injury-prevention workshop she attended, where the facilitator spoke about how "every step we take can be a step toward injury, or improvement". I suppose this was in reference to physical injury, but it makes sense for emotional injury too. One of the controversies surrounding addictions and recovery (and eating disorders falls in there too, I believe) is one of choice. Does an addict choose to take drugs? Does an addict choose to go into recovery? In taking steps toward recovery, this controversy still exists. You must choose recovery every day, especially when faced with triggering situations, we must choose recovery over temptation, in order to remain in recovery. Of course, this is not as easy as it sounds; recovery is a journey of mountains and valleys, not a linear path. However, with awareness and mindfulness, recovery becomes easier over time.
I don't believe addiction is a choice; much like a person does not choose to have a physical illness, a person with an addiction is suffering an illness. Research suggests that addiction is a brain disease, and I support this stance. So, if addiction is an illness, then how can recovery be a choice? Much like physical illness, one can choose to seek treatment, but it is not always successful. The best intentions and the greatest hopes for a cure do not always bring a full recovery. Perhaps a partial recovery, in some cases, but in many cases, the illness becomes too strong and the body gives up. Is it possible that suffering from an illness, whether physical or mental, is just part of the process? What we need to learn in this life in order to move on to the next one? When a cancer patient dies after a long struggle with illness, even with treatment, we do not place blame on the patient. When an addict dies after a long struggle with illness, even with treatment, how do we look at this? Do we accept that some things are more powerful than medicine, and that even though the patient went through treatment, it still wasn't enough? Or do we look at the addict with shame, thinking that they didn't try hard enough, or they didn't want it bad enough? This brings me back to treatment when I was sent home. I was told that because I had a relapse in my behaviours, I wasn't ready for treatment. I needed to be ready to face my illness in order to overcome it, and a relapse was evidence that I wasn't ready yet. Now, if we change the language here, and look at it from a physical illness perspective, is this fair? Is it fair to say that a cancer patient whose cancer spreads after chemotherapy treatment clearly wasn't ready for treatment in the first place? Maybe they should have waited until their body was strong enough to fight the cancer? No, of course not. This would be ridiculous, and completely unethical. At the first sign of cancer, doctors operate, right? They want to fight it in its early stages to prevent it from getting worse. So why wait until an eating disorder is in a moderate to severe state before starting treatment? By this point, the mind has become warped by the disorder, and it is harder to fight than if treatment were applied at the first signs of illness. It becomes harder to treat, harder to gain control of, and the likelihood of relapse is much higher. As far as my illness was concerned, I would think I was in the mild-moderate category when I attended treatment. Probably a good place for intervention, but I still struggled. I still struggle to this day. Not as often as I had, but it's still there. So, if I believe that my disorder is an illness, then what choice do I have for successful recovery? I can hope for a full recovery, and I can have my best intentions to do well, but is that enough? Am I in control of any of this? Not to say that I should just give up and accept that there may not be hope, but I am questioning the degree of choice I truly have here.
There is a theory of neural pathways that I have heard through various disciplines, including psychology and yoga philosophy. The theory suggests that we have pathways in our brain that become learned over time. By responding the same way to a given situation, then we carve the pathway deeper, and it becomes automatic over time. When faced with a stressful situation, going down the ED pathway becomes learned and automatic over time. After doing this for so long, it is difficult to even consider taking another path. But, because the brain is plastic (meaning "able to change"), we can learn to take a different pathway over time. It may be extremely difficult at first, and we must be very conscious and aware of the steps we are taking, but eventually the new pathway becomes automatic. If it had been automatic to binge after every stressful situation, it can become automatic not to. It is important to have a dialogue with your Self when you are faced with these triggering situations. Ask yourself, "Is this step in a direction of injury, or improvement?" Even with contemplation, it may still be difficult to take a step in a new direction. It can be scary, but over time it will get better. I may not be able to choose to fully recover, but I can choose which steps I take.
Last night, I was in a situation where I felt an urge to binge and purge. I considered it carefully, thought about what my options were, but still gave in to the urge. I should have gone to school this morning, but chose to stay home because I was exhausted. I am not happy with the choice I made; I know I could have done better. It is easy to now be very mean to myself, but instead, maybe I will choose to be kind to myself. Acknowledge that this happened, and next time I can be stronger. I know I can do it; I've gotten over the urges in the past without giving in. It's difficult, but not impossible. At this point, it is more important than ever to be mindful and aware of what I am doing, how I am feeling, and to acknowledge those feelings. Journalling will be helpful; I know that I struggle with this all the time, but again, can I choose to take a step toward injury or improvement? In the big picture of things, I don't know that I have control over my recovery, but I can control the small things that come up on a daily basis. Acknowledging issues that arise, being mindful of triggering situations, and making the best choices I can in that moment. This may not be easy; I know that I tend to fall back into old habits more often than I choose not to. But I can get through this.
The last thing I wanted to touch on was the yogic principle of Ahimsa, or non-violence. Approaching situations from a place of love and non-harming. I feel that ahimsa is very relevant to how we treat ourselves during recovery. It is so easy to be hard on ourselves when we slip; it is much harder to be kind to ourselves.
That's enough for now I think,
Namaste
I don't believe addiction is a choice; much like a person does not choose to have a physical illness, a person with an addiction is suffering an illness. Research suggests that addiction is a brain disease, and I support this stance. So, if addiction is an illness, then how can recovery be a choice? Much like physical illness, one can choose to seek treatment, but it is not always successful. The best intentions and the greatest hopes for a cure do not always bring a full recovery. Perhaps a partial recovery, in some cases, but in many cases, the illness becomes too strong and the body gives up. Is it possible that suffering from an illness, whether physical or mental, is just part of the process? What we need to learn in this life in order to move on to the next one? When a cancer patient dies after a long struggle with illness, even with treatment, we do not place blame on the patient. When an addict dies after a long struggle with illness, even with treatment, how do we look at this? Do we accept that some things are more powerful than medicine, and that even though the patient went through treatment, it still wasn't enough? Or do we look at the addict with shame, thinking that they didn't try hard enough, or they didn't want it bad enough? This brings me back to treatment when I was sent home. I was told that because I had a relapse in my behaviours, I wasn't ready for treatment. I needed to be ready to face my illness in order to overcome it, and a relapse was evidence that I wasn't ready yet. Now, if we change the language here, and look at it from a physical illness perspective, is this fair? Is it fair to say that a cancer patient whose cancer spreads after chemotherapy treatment clearly wasn't ready for treatment in the first place? Maybe they should have waited until their body was strong enough to fight the cancer? No, of course not. This would be ridiculous, and completely unethical. At the first sign of cancer, doctors operate, right? They want to fight it in its early stages to prevent it from getting worse. So why wait until an eating disorder is in a moderate to severe state before starting treatment? By this point, the mind has become warped by the disorder, and it is harder to fight than if treatment were applied at the first signs of illness. It becomes harder to treat, harder to gain control of, and the likelihood of relapse is much higher. As far as my illness was concerned, I would think I was in the mild-moderate category when I attended treatment. Probably a good place for intervention, but I still struggled. I still struggle to this day. Not as often as I had, but it's still there. So, if I believe that my disorder is an illness, then what choice do I have for successful recovery? I can hope for a full recovery, and I can have my best intentions to do well, but is that enough? Am I in control of any of this? Not to say that I should just give up and accept that there may not be hope, but I am questioning the degree of choice I truly have here.
There is a theory of neural pathways that I have heard through various disciplines, including psychology and yoga philosophy. The theory suggests that we have pathways in our brain that become learned over time. By responding the same way to a given situation, then we carve the pathway deeper, and it becomes automatic over time. When faced with a stressful situation, going down the ED pathway becomes learned and automatic over time. After doing this for so long, it is difficult to even consider taking another path. But, because the brain is plastic (meaning "able to change"), we can learn to take a different pathway over time. It may be extremely difficult at first, and we must be very conscious and aware of the steps we are taking, but eventually the new pathway becomes automatic. If it had been automatic to binge after every stressful situation, it can become automatic not to. It is important to have a dialogue with your Self when you are faced with these triggering situations. Ask yourself, "Is this step in a direction of injury, or improvement?" Even with contemplation, it may still be difficult to take a step in a new direction. It can be scary, but over time it will get better. I may not be able to choose to fully recover, but I can choose which steps I take.
Last night, I was in a situation where I felt an urge to binge and purge. I considered it carefully, thought about what my options were, but still gave in to the urge. I should have gone to school this morning, but chose to stay home because I was exhausted. I am not happy with the choice I made; I know I could have done better. It is easy to now be very mean to myself, but instead, maybe I will choose to be kind to myself. Acknowledge that this happened, and next time I can be stronger. I know I can do it; I've gotten over the urges in the past without giving in. It's difficult, but not impossible. At this point, it is more important than ever to be mindful and aware of what I am doing, how I am feeling, and to acknowledge those feelings. Journalling will be helpful; I know that I struggle with this all the time, but again, can I choose to take a step toward injury or improvement? In the big picture of things, I don't know that I have control over my recovery, but I can control the small things that come up on a daily basis. Acknowledging issues that arise, being mindful of triggering situations, and making the best choices I can in that moment. This may not be easy; I know that I tend to fall back into old habits more often than I choose not to. But I can get through this.
The last thing I wanted to touch on was the yogic principle of Ahimsa, or non-violence. Approaching situations from a place of love and non-harming. I feel that ahimsa is very relevant to how we treat ourselves during recovery. It is so easy to be hard on ourselves when we slip; it is much harder to be kind to ourselves.
That's enough for now I think,
Namaste
Thursday, 2 January 2014
January 2, 2014
Wow, look at me - two posts in two days! I wanted to reflect on some of the things that came up in the Yoga Immersion today, and how they resonated with me, especially in comparison to the eating disorders day program. For any new followers, last year I spent 8 weeks in a day-patient treatment program for eating disorders, and I was not happy about it. Please refer to my posts from last January - February to get a sense of how things went. Anyway, just to recap, the program was extremely militant with its rules, and it seems that other mental health "treatment" programs are very similar. If you are seeking help through Alberta Health Services, basically you are told "these are the rules, you must follow them. If you don't, you have to leave. We know everything, you know nothing, because you suffer from a mental illness. Therefore, anything you have to say that conflicts with our rules is invalid". Not in those words, of course, but that's the basic message. I am not sure if private psychologists are also this way; I can't afford to pay $170 an hour for counselling, so I've never been to a private psychologist. Family counsellors and ones that offer subsidy are good, but I haven't found any counselling yet that has been completely effective in treating my eating disorder. But, I digress.
Anyway, there were a couple of things that came up about beliefs and healing that resonated strongly with me. When you have an eating disorder, there is a set of beliefs (may not be the same for all) around food, weight, and size. Of course, it varies from person to person, but generally, it's things like "Good foods vs bad foods", "Thin is good, thinner is better", "I eat, therefore I am disgusting", "Fat = worthless" and so on. The instructor, Amy, mentioned something about beliefs and how they serve a purpose for us, and we can only let go when these beliefs no longer serve us. In the day program, our beliefs were challenged every day, and many of the girls (myself included) had difficulty letting go of these. When I spoke at the Women's Resource Center about bulimia (see February 8 post), I likened this to ED beliefs being like our religion. We have these beliefs, they make us feel safe (even though they are destructive), and they are deep-rooted. A practicing Christian has beliefs about God that are deep-rooted, and make the person feel safe. So then these eating disorder treatment people come along and tell us "Your beliefs are wrong. Here are better things to believe. Change your way of thinking." which is probably about as good as someone from a contrasting religion saying the same thing to the Christian. This is not going to be very effective, and if anything, will just make the person being challenged upset. They won't want to change their beliefs just because someone tells them they should. Now, I realize that being a Christian and having an eating disorder are two very different things - being a Christian is probably good for you, while having an eating disorder is bad for you. So I understand why our beliefs were being challenged. However, I think that there could be a more compassionate, understanding way of helping someone to change their beliefs, rather than forcing them. The technique used by the program is systematic desensitization, which can be effective for things like anxiety and phobias, but I'm not so sure that it works for eating disorders. Maybe when the patient is truly ready to change, then it can be helpful. But if they are still in that contemplative phase (thinking about changing, but not quite ready), then it wont help.
Which brings me to my next point. Lisa. the assisting instructor mentioned something about healing only being able to occur when the parasympathetic nervous system is working. If you arent up on your CNS physiology, let me just explain that. Im sure youve heard of the Fight or Flight system - the one that kicks in during an emergency, during a challenge, or some kind of scary situation. Hormones and neurotransmitters kick in to give us an energy boost, which helps us to decide whether we are going to take action or run like hell. This is the sympathetic nervous system working. The parasympathetic nervous system, on the other hand, is known as the Rest and Digest system- other hormones and neurotransmitters kick in when we are in a state of relaxation, and allow for natural physiological functions to take place, including digestion, recovery, and growth. When one system is activated, the other is dormant, and vice versa. Now, I think generally when this system refers to recovery and healing, it means physical healing. Damaged tissues, viruses, etc. But I think this can also apply to emotional or spiritual healing. So, again, this made me think about treatment, and the state of mind I was in while I was there. I was arguing with the staff every single day about something. I was on edge more often than not, and we were stuffed full of so much food, I dont even know how we digested any of it (at least for the first couple of weeks for me; I didnt have to eat as much as the girls in weight recovery, but it was still a LOT of food). So, if healing (and digesting, for that matter) can only take place during parasympathetic activation, how on earth were we supposed to accomplish anything when our sympathetic systems were so highly activated all the timeÉ Now, I dont know this for sure; we didnt use an fMRI during treatment to find out which parts of the brain were activated during psychotherapy, but I am going to make an educated guess that we were in fight or flight far more often than we were resting and digesting. So, the conclusion I am drawing from this, is that when you are treating a mental illness, it has to come from a place of gentleness and compassion, rather than forcefulness.
I know the program has been successful for some, but my eyes are opened just a little bit wider as to how I would like to treat mental illness once I start working in that field. I had thought during the program that there must be a better way, and what I learned today has contributed to that way of thinking.
*Sorry for the lack of punctuation in my second paragraph. For some reason, my computer acts up once in awhile and instead of an apostrophe, I get è, and É for a question mark. I dont know how to change it back to normal.
Anyway, there were a couple of things that came up about beliefs and healing that resonated strongly with me. When you have an eating disorder, there is a set of beliefs (may not be the same for all) around food, weight, and size. Of course, it varies from person to person, but generally, it's things like "Good foods vs bad foods", "Thin is good, thinner is better", "I eat, therefore I am disgusting", "Fat = worthless" and so on. The instructor, Amy, mentioned something about beliefs and how they serve a purpose for us, and we can only let go when these beliefs no longer serve us. In the day program, our beliefs were challenged every day, and many of the girls (myself included) had difficulty letting go of these. When I spoke at the Women's Resource Center about bulimia (see February 8 post), I likened this to ED beliefs being like our religion. We have these beliefs, they make us feel safe (even though they are destructive), and they are deep-rooted. A practicing Christian has beliefs about God that are deep-rooted, and make the person feel safe. So then these eating disorder treatment people come along and tell us "Your beliefs are wrong. Here are better things to believe. Change your way of thinking." which is probably about as good as someone from a contrasting religion saying the same thing to the Christian. This is not going to be very effective, and if anything, will just make the person being challenged upset. They won't want to change their beliefs just because someone tells them they should. Now, I realize that being a Christian and having an eating disorder are two very different things - being a Christian is probably good for you, while having an eating disorder is bad for you. So I understand why our beliefs were being challenged. However, I think that there could be a more compassionate, understanding way of helping someone to change their beliefs, rather than forcing them. The technique used by the program is systematic desensitization, which can be effective for things like anxiety and phobias, but I'm not so sure that it works for eating disorders. Maybe when the patient is truly ready to change, then it can be helpful. But if they are still in that contemplative phase (thinking about changing, but not quite ready), then it wont help.
Which brings me to my next point. Lisa. the assisting instructor mentioned something about healing only being able to occur when the parasympathetic nervous system is working. If you arent up on your CNS physiology, let me just explain that. Im sure youve heard of the Fight or Flight system - the one that kicks in during an emergency, during a challenge, or some kind of scary situation. Hormones and neurotransmitters kick in to give us an energy boost, which helps us to decide whether we are going to take action or run like hell. This is the sympathetic nervous system working. The parasympathetic nervous system, on the other hand, is known as the Rest and Digest system- other hormones and neurotransmitters kick in when we are in a state of relaxation, and allow for natural physiological functions to take place, including digestion, recovery, and growth. When one system is activated, the other is dormant, and vice versa. Now, I think generally when this system refers to recovery and healing, it means physical healing. Damaged tissues, viruses, etc. But I think this can also apply to emotional or spiritual healing. So, again, this made me think about treatment, and the state of mind I was in while I was there. I was arguing with the staff every single day about something. I was on edge more often than not, and we were stuffed full of so much food, I dont even know how we digested any of it (at least for the first couple of weeks for me; I didnt have to eat as much as the girls in weight recovery, but it was still a LOT of food). So, if healing (and digesting, for that matter) can only take place during parasympathetic activation, how on earth were we supposed to accomplish anything when our sympathetic systems were so highly activated all the timeÉ Now, I dont know this for sure; we didnt use an fMRI during treatment to find out which parts of the brain were activated during psychotherapy, but I am going to make an educated guess that we were in fight or flight far more often than we were resting and digesting. So, the conclusion I am drawing from this, is that when you are treating a mental illness, it has to come from a place of gentleness and compassion, rather than forcefulness.
I know the program has been successful for some, but my eyes are opened just a little bit wider as to how I would like to treat mental illness once I start working in that field. I had thought during the program that there must be a better way, and what I learned today has contributed to that way of thinking.
*Sorry for the lack of punctuation in my second paragraph. For some reason, my computer acts up once in awhile and instead of an apostrophe, I get è, and É for a question mark. I dont know how to change it back to normal.
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
January 1, 2014
New Year's Day- A new day, a new year; time for a new post. I had intended to write yesterday, but didn't, so today will do. I feel as though I am starting the new year off in a slightly grumpy mood. Maybe because I had the flu a couple days ago, and am still getting back to normal. Maybe because I haven't been eating well; maybe because I haven't taken my meds; maybe because this new year's crap is so over-rated. I could write about all the things that I want to do better, all the ways I want to be better - same shit every year. Does it ever get any better? I don't know. As far as 2013 went, it wasn't the worst year ever. Not the best, but not the worst either. I had to withdraw from school to go to treatment; treatment was mildly successful; went back to school; got a couple of jobs that I like; spent more time with Luc in the second half of the year; hit a rocky patch in my relationship; did okay in school (could have been better, but wasn't bad considering I hardly went to any classes); bought a new car; now I'm broke; lost weight, gained weight.
I know I could wish for everything to be better, and honestly, that would be nice. But I do that every year, and I'm still not happy. Or, not happy like I would like to be. So, I think that instead of wishing for other things to make me happy, I need to start finding happiness in what I've already got. I saw a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of "We think we will find peace when everything falls into place; Find peace and everything will fall into place". I'm gonna say maybe it was Buddha or Ghandi who said this, and it is resonating strongly with me right now. I think that instead of waiting for better things to happen, I need be at peace with things the way they are. I suppose it's difficult, considering we live in a world of instant gratification, where we are taught that "life will be better once ______" I find the perfect man, I lose the weight, etc. But, Eastern thinking and mindfulness practice is growing in popularity in the West, so there is much to be learned about being present in each moment. It will be difficult; I tend to escape into fantasy thoughts, or worry thoughts when my mind is free to roam, but with time and practice, mindfulness will come. I am taking a yoga course starting tomorrow called Into the HeArt of Yoga - an immersion course to cover the philosophy, history, and variations of yoga, which I hope will help me learn to be present. Rather than being dissatisfied with what I have, and wanting more, I hope to learn to be satisfied with what I have. Find peace, and everything will fall into place. Of course, I still would like to lose weight, and find the perfect guy, and have more money, but I think for now, just focusing on the moment, and not worrying about the future will bring far more satisfaction than what I have been doing.
Recovery-wise, I had a relapse over Christmas; not really that surprising I guess. Between things with Tony and I, Christmas, Luc being gone, exams, etc. I guess I was under a fair bit of stress. I could have handled it better, I suppose, but a few nights of bingeing turned into a few days of purging, and then I ended up getting sick. So, I would like to leave ED in 2013; there is no need to continue on with these behaviours. Of course, easier said than done, but it's a work in progress.
Happy New Year everyone, all the best to you in 2014!
I know I could wish for everything to be better, and honestly, that would be nice. But I do that every year, and I'm still not happy. Or, not happy like I would like to be. So, I think that instead of wishing for other things to make me happy, I need to start finding happiness in what I've already got. I saw a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of "We think we will find peace when everything falls into place; Find peace and everything will fall into place". I'm gonna say maybe it was Buddha or Ghandi who said this, and it is resonating strongly with me right now. I think that instead of waiting for better things to happen, I need be at peace with things the way they are. I suppose it's difficult, considering we live in a world of instant gratification, where we are taught that "life will be better once ______" I find the perfect man, I lose the weight, etc. But, Eastern thinking and mindfulness practice is growing in popularity in the West, so there is much to be learned about being present in each moment. It will be difficult; I tend to escape into fantasy thoughts, or worry thoughts when my mind is free to roam, but with time and practice, mindfulness will come. I am taking a yoga course starting tomorrow called Into the HeArt of Yoga - an immersion course to cover the philosophy, history, and variations of yoga, which I hope will help me learn to be present. Rather than being dissatisfied with what I have, and wanting more, I hope to learn to be satisfied with what I have. Find peace, and everything will fall into place. Of course, I still would like to lose weight, and find the perfect guy, and have more money, but I think for now, just focusing on the moment, and not worrying about the future will bring far more satisfaction than what I have been doing.
Recovery-wise, I had a relapse over Christmas; not really that surprising I guess. Between things with Tony and I, Christmas, Luc being gone, exams, etc. I guess I was under a fair bit of stress. I could have handled it better, I suppose, but a few nights of bingeing turned into a few days of purging, and then I ended up getting sick. So, I would like to leave ED in 2013; there is no need to continue on with these behaviours. Of course, easier said than done, but it's a work in progress.
Happy New Year everyone, all the best to you in 2014!
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
December 18
Since my last check-in, I have been bingeing a fair bit. Court stuff was settled between Antonio and Bianca, so Luc has been away since Friday night. This is the first time in a long time that I have been by myself, and it's been hard. I had good intentions to stay on track with my eating, but it hasn't gone quite as well as I hoped. I also ran out of meds, so I think once I get my prescription filled, then that will help. I don't even enjoy bingeing anymore, I guess I was just doing it out of habit. I really feel gross though. Bloated, dehydrated, fat. Why do I do this to myself?
As far as things with Tony are going, we've been talking lately, and it seems like he still wants to have some kind of relationship. I know that it can't go any further if he isn't interested in being a step-parent, so I don't know how things will turn out. I guess we can be friends, and see how things go.
Christmas is coming up next week, and that's probably another reason I've been bingeing. I really don't like Christmas, and I am not really looking forward to the family get togethers and all the food. But what else am I gonna do? Stay home by myself? That would be depressing, so I will just suck it up. I think it's just the idea of Christmas that I don't like- everyone is supposed to be happy, and right now I'm not. But dwelling on that isn't going to make it any better. I think the best thing I can do right now is just to focus on eating well, without dwelling on the bingeing I've done the last few days. What is done is done, I can only move forward from here. With that being said, I think it's time to go take a shower and start my day. As much as I am enjoying being lazy in bed, it is not productive. Happy Wednesday!
As far as things with Tony are going, we've been talking lately, and it seems like he still wants to have some kind of relationship. I know that it can't go any further if he isn't interested in being a step-parent, so I don't know how things will turn out. I guess we can be friends, and see how things go.
Christmas is coming up next week, and that's probably another reason I've been bingeing. I really don't like Christmas, and I am not really looking forward to the family get togethers and all the food. But what else am I gonna do? Stay home by myself? That would be depressing, so I will just suck it up. I think it's just the idea of Christmas that I don't like- everyone is supposed to be happy, and right now I'm not. But dwelling on that isn't going to make it any better. I think the best thing I can do right now is just to focus on eating well, without dwelling on the bingeing I've done the last few days. What is done is done, I can only move forward from here. With that being said, I think it's time to go take a shower and start my day. As much as I am enjoying being lazy in bed, it is not productive. Happy Wednesday!
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
December 10
Time to write out some feelings, rather than eating them. Well, things are definitely done with Tony and I; we talked again on Saturday, because I wanted him to join Luc and I for dinner. I thought it would be good if we met somewhere neutral, like at a restaurant, so that the three of us could spend time together. Plus, Luc doesn't like going to Tony's, and Tony doesn't like to come to my house. Everybody wins, right? Nope, I guess not. His response was "there's no point in us being together right now if Luc doesn't like going there". We talked, and basically it felt like he wants things to be different with Luc, but doesn't want to be involved in making the change. I had hoped that if we scaled things back and let him and Luc bond, then maybe over time, things would improve. Oh well, I guess. If he doesn't want to be Luc's step-dad, there is no point in trying.
So then, over the last week, I started talking to another guy, Andrew. A friend of a friend, good looking. Probably not a good idea to start dating again right away, but it's always nice when someone tells you they think you are hot. Especially when the feeling is mutual. So anyway, last night, Andrew posts something on my Facebook wall about "can't wait to see you", which I deleted so that no one would see. Like Tony. But, that didn't work out. He saw it. And he asked me about it. But what was worse, was that he didn't really seem that upset about it. Just said to "be careful, take care of yourself online". Now, before 7am, I had Andrew upset with me for deleting the post, and Tony probably thinking I was cheating on him. Not to mention another "friend" who suddenly starts texting me once I told him I was single again. FML.
So this stuff has got me thinking about expectations. I'm upset about things with Tony, but at the same time, I had been second guessing it anyway. I had been thinking maybe he was "the one", but then again, I seem to think every guy is "the one"- and then when it fizzles, I'm heartbroken more because of the loss of my "happily ever after" than the loss of the guy. I don't really think any of the guys that I have been "in love" with were "the one". New, hot guys that come along probably aren't "the one" either. So how do I move forward now in search of a romantic partnership that doesn't restart the fantasy of our life together? I think some soul searching is probably in need here, for sure. I think I know what I want in a man, and honestly, none of the guys I have dated or had serious relationships have had all of those things. So I settle for the first guy that comes along that shows interest in me, but that doesn't help. Keep my standards high and be very choosy? But then what if I never find "the one". Settle for Mr. Good-Enough? I'm not really happy with that though? Give up men altogether and just focus on Luc? That's making me miserable though. I want to find someone to share my life with, but maybe that's just a waste of time? From my history with men, they seem to just cause trouble for me (hello, ED), so maybe it's time to just take a step back and focus on myself. I definitely DO NOT want to fall back into old habits, and so far so good. I've been eating pretty clean lately, and am really happy with the way my arms are starting to shape up. But if I think about my history after break ups......but again, like my post a few weeks ago, if I expect certain things to happen, then they will. If I expect to get depressed and gain weight, then I will. If I expect that I can get through this like a champ, and focus on my self-care, then it doesn't have to be bad, right?
Anyway, I guess I just need to learn to make peace with myself, and not be in such a hurry to fall in love all the time. Maybe just keep my distance from men for awhile. Focus on myself, focus on Luc, and maybe everything will fall into place. If I expect that Luc will start listening to me and start behaving better, maybe he will right? I friggin hope so!
So then, over the last week, I started talking to another guy, Andrew. A friend of a friend, good looking. Probably not a good idea to start dating again right away, but it's always nice when someone tells you they think you are hot. Especially when the feeling is mutual. So anyway, last night, Andrew posts something on my Facebook wall about "can't wait to see you", which I deleted so that no one would see. Like Tony. But, that didn't work out. He saw it. And he asked me about it. But what was worse, was that he didn't really seem that upset about it. Just said to "be careful, take care of yourself online". Now, before 7am, I had Andrew upset with me for deleting the post, and Tony probably thinking I was cheating on him. Not to mention another "friend" who suddenly starts texting me once I told him I was single again. FML.
So this stuff has got me thinking about expectations. I'm upset about things with Tony, but at the same time, I had been second guessing it anyway. I had been thinking maybe he was "the one", but then again, I seem to think every guy is "the one"- and then when it fizzles, I'm heartbroken more because of the loss of my "happily ever after" than the loss of the guy. I don't really think any of the guys that I have been "in love" with were "the one". New, hot guys that come along probably aren't "the one" either. So how do I move forward now in search of a romantic partnership that doesn't restart the fantasy of our life together? I think some soul searching is probably in need here, for sure. I think I know what I want in a man, and honestly, none of the guys I have dated or had serious relationships have had all of those things. So I settle for the first guy that comes along that shows interest in me, but that doesn't help. Keep my standards high and be very choosy? But then what if I never find "the one". Settle for Mr. Good-Enough? I'm not really happy with that though? Give up men altogether and just focus on Luc? That's making me miserable though. I want to find someone to share my life with, but maybe that's just a waste of time? From my history with men, they seem to just cause trouble for me (hello, ED), so maybe it's time to just take a step back and focus on myself. I definitely DO NOT want to fall back into old habits, and so far so good. I've been eating pretty clean lately, and am really happy with the way my arms are starting to shape up. But if I think about my history after break ups......but again, like my post a few weeks ago, if I expect certain things to happen, then they will. If I expect to get depressed and gain weight, then I will. If I expect that I can get through this like a champ, and focus on my self-care, then it doesn't have to be bad, right?
Anyway, I guess I just need to learn to make peace with myself, and not be in such a hurry to fall in love all the time. Maybe just keep my distance from men for awhile. Focus on myself, focus on Luc, and maybe everything will fall into place. If I expect that Luc will start listening to me and start behaving better, maybe he will right? I friggin hope so!
Thursday, 5 December 2013
December 5
Update time again, really need to do this more often! Last time I checked in, I was struggling with hormone- and stress-related bingeing, which seems to be mostly in-check now, since, ahem, Aunt Flo stopped by. I intend to do some research into supplementation to help with this; I have heard that Vitamin B6 is good. Anyway, so I'm eating mostly healthy, I had a bit of a binge on Sunday night, but no purging in quite some time. So that's great.
On the relationship front, Tony and I had a big discussion about how things have been going, and so that has been tough for me. In the end, we decided to try to work on things- I need to work on my parenting and discipline, but have asked for his support. I would like him to be more involved with my life outside of our relationship- I want him to want to come out with me to things, and not always have a reason why he can't come. I understand that sometimes that things come up; he has a life too, and I respect that. But it feels like I really have to pressure him to spend time with me outside of his house, and I don't like that. At this point, we are still together, but haven't seen each other in nearly two weeks, so I guess we will see how things go over the holidays.
As far as Luc goes, I am still struggling with him. I let him stay home one day last week because "he was tired", and then the next day I was tired, so I let him stay home that day too. Then on Friday, he didn't want to go because it was only a half day. Then he missed school this past Tuesday because of the crappy roads. Now trying to get him up and dressed for school is really tough. I know it is irresponsible to let him stay home, and I regret the choices that I made. He is constantly complaining about how bored he is, but then refuses to do any school work, and is not interested in any activities. I took him to a parkour class a couple weeks ago, which he seemed to enjoy, but has since not been interested in going. In the new year, I definitely plan to get him into some activities; I know it will be good for him.
I took on another job too; in addition to school, Luc, hair styling, and the yoga studio. I must be crazy. But the new car that I bought is quite expensive, and I don't know that I will be able to afford it come January. The new job is at World Health, which has been somewhere I have been interested in working for quite some time. Goes well with my KNES degree, so that's good. The job title is "Fitness Coach", but I realized last night (my first shift) that that title is quite deceiving. It should be more like "Member Relations rep" or something. The job description is along the lines of "to host the party- build rapport with members, and specifically interact with high-risk members"- the ones who don't come to the gym that often and might end up cancelling their membership. So basically, I walk around and talk to people and get paid. Pretty sweet, except that I have to approach people in the gym, while they are working out, and talk to them. This is quite out of my comfort zone; I am good at talking to people when they come to me (i.e. I stay behind the desk and they come to me), but it is a lot scarier to have to go to them. I have been thinking about this quite a bit over the last 24 hours. On the job, I was thinking "I don't think I can do this, this is really scary". But then, I got thinking why? What is so scary about approaching people and talking to them? Usually this isn't something I do. Maybe once I've had a couple drinks in me, but I don't think that would go over so well at work. What am I afraid of? I realized last night that this job is hitting my deep-rooted fear of rejection that has been lurking inside of me for so long. It shouldn't be scary to approach people and say hi, but I am reminded of experiences in elementary school where I would ask my "friends" if I could sit with them, and would sometimes be told no. Then they would make fun of me, regardless of whether or not I could hear them. One experience in grade 5 was particularly traumatic for me, and I think it is probably why I am so terrified to approach people. The gist of the story is that I asked the kids who had recently been my friends if I could sit with them at lunch and play cards with them; they said no, so I sat at my desk and ate while the kids made fun of me by calling me a fat cow and other names. There was a girl that had come to sit with me, which was so kind of her, but I guess I was so focused on the mean kids and their cruel words that I found it difficult to focus on the positive. I can still remember leaving the classroom after lunch, going to find my sister, and then crying in the bathroom because I was so upset. Some girls from the other grade 5 class saw me in there, and felt bad for me; they invited me to sit with them during a movie their teacher was showing, instead of going back to my classroom. No friendships came out of that though; the next day I went back to my own classroom and accepted my place as the fat girl with braces that not many people liked. I don't know why, I wasn't mean to them; in fact, I desperately wanted them to like me, but I don't know why they didn't. I'm sure if I asked any of them now, they wouldn't even know why.
So I realized this morning that I am afraid to approach people because they might say "Eww, Fat Girl, get away from me. You are not welcome here" and then laugh at me as I walk away. I got through it last night, it was a bit awkward approaching people, but I found that if I walked around and smiled at people and/or said hi, the strangest thing would happen sometimes. Some people would smile back, some people would say hi, and some would even take off their headphones and talk to me! Shake my hand and everything! Oh my god! Some people weren't as chatty, but that's okay. Plus, I know it will take me a little while to get into my 'groove' of approaching people, and have thought about asking if I can hang out at the reception desk and greet people there first, rather than 'interrupting' them in their workout. So why am I letting something that happened 21 years ago (and I am cringing as I write this) affect me to this day?
Last night, Steve, the fitness manager who has been training me, made a comment about one of the 'high-risk' members that he approached to show me what to do, basically. Apparently, this woman used to come to the gym all the time, but doesn't anymore. She was a bit cold when he was talking to her, but she did chat briefly. After that, we went back to the desk and he commented about how she had her "bitch face" on - headphones on, on the treadmill closest to the wall, away from people, not making eye contact with anyone. Huh. That's how I workout. And I rarely ever had club members or staff members approaching me when I would work out, other than to ask if I was finished with whatever equipment I had been using. And at school, people don't readily approach me and talk to me either, because I come into the class, find a seat away in the third or fourth row, with at least one seat in between me and the next person. Then I put my glasses on (which kind of blocks my peripheral vision), and I look down at my paper, or check my phone, without really talking to anyone. I will say hi to people I have been forced to meet through group projects, and usually they are very nice. Do I go around most places with my "bitch face" on? Maybe? I am reminded of how people used to tell me all the time that "I thought you were a snob when I first met you, but you're actually really nice". It wasn't at all that I was a snob, it was that I was terrified to talk to them, or say the wrong thing, or do something that would make them not like me. And, as it turned out, they did like me! Once I opened up a bit. Which I do more quickly these days; I'm not nearly as awkward as I was 10 or 15 years ago. In one of my classes, we have to grade each other for a group presentation, and I am terrified of being graded poorly by these people. But why would they? Because I contributed ideas to the presentation? Because I wanted to have a speaking part in the presentation, and I helped contribute to the written background paper? Why would these people grade me poorly for this? Again, that fear of "Eww, Fat Girl. We don't like you." Which I am hoping is not true.
It seems like I still have some work to do on the confidence front, so I think this job will actually be perfect for me. Terrifying, maybe, but probably incredibly rewarding. I don't know where the quote comes from that's on most Lululemon tote bags, but it is resonating strongly with me today. "Do something every day that scares you". There are lots of things I am scared of, and that I avoid, because it's easier than taking the risk. But what's the big risk here? That someone might not say hi to me? Big frickin deal, honey. Get over it. Which is exactly what I plan to do.
On the relationship front, Tony and I had a big discussion about how things have been going, and so that has been tough for me. In the end, we decided to try to work on things- I need to work on my parenting and discipline, but have asked for his support. I would like him to be more involved with my life outside of our relationship- I want him to want to come out with me to things, and not always have a reason why he can't come. I understand that sometimes that things come up; he has a life too, and I respect that. But it feels like I really have to pressure him to spend time with me outside of his house, and I don't like that. At this point, we are still together, but haven't seen each other in nearly two weeks, so I guess we will see how things go over the holidays.
As far as Luc goes, I am still struggling with him. I let him stay home one day last week because "he was tired", and then the next day I was tired, so I let him stay home that day too. Then on Friday, he didn't want to go because it was only a half day. Then he missed school this past Tuesday because of the crappy roads. Now trying to get him up and dressed for school is really tough. I know it is irresponsible to let him stay home, and I regret the choices that I made. He is constantly complaining about how bored he is, but then refuses to do any school work, and is not interested in any activities. I took him to a parkour class a couple weeks ago, which he seemed to enjoy, but has since not been interested in going. In the new year, I definitely plan to get him into some activities; I know it will be good for him.
I took on another job too; in addition to school, Luc, hair styling, and the yoga studio. I must be crazy. But the new car that I bought is quite expensive, and I don't know that I will be able to afford it come January. The new job is at World Health, which has been somewhere I have been interested in working for quite some time. Goes well with my KNES degree, so that's good. The job title is "Fitness Coach", but I realized last night (my first shift) that that title is quite deceiving. It should be more like "Member Relations rep" or something. The job description is along the lines of "to host the party- build rapport with members, and specifically interact with high-risk members"- the ones who don't come to the gym that often and might end up cancelling their membership. So basically, I walk around and talk to people and get paid. Pretty sweet, except that I have to approach people in the gym, while they are working out, and talk to them. This is quite out of my comfort zone; I am good at talking to people when they come to me (i.e. I stay behind the desk and they come to me), but it is a lot scarier to have to go to them. I have been thinking about this quite a bit over the last 24 hours. On the job, I was thinking "I don't think I can do this, this is really scary". But then, I got thinking why? What is so scary about approaching people and talking to them? Usually this isn't something I do. Maybe once I've had a couple drinks in me, but I don't think that would go over so well at work. What am I afraid of? I realized last night that this job is hitting my deep-rooted fear of rejection that has been lurking inside of me for so long. It shouldn't be scary to approach people and say hi, but I am reminded of experiences in elementary school where I would ask my "friends" if I could sit with them, and would sometimes be told no. Then they would make fun of me, regardless of whether or not I could hear them. One experience in grade 5 was particularly traumatic for me, and I think it is probably why I am so terrified to approach people. The gist of the story is that I asked the kids who had recently been my friends if I could sit with them at lunch and play cards with them; they said no, so I sat at my desk and ate while the kids made fun of me by calling me a fat cow and other names. There was a girl that had come to sit with me, which was so kind of her, but I guess I was so focused on the mean kids and their cruel words that I found it difficult to focus on the positive. I can still remember leaving the classroom after lunch, going to find my sister, and then crying in the bathroom because I was so upset. Some girls from the other grade 5 class saw me in there, and felt bad for me; they invited me to sit with them during a movie their teacher was showing, instead of going back to my classroom. No friendships came out of that though; the next day I went back to my own classroom and accepted my place as the fat girl with braces that not many people liked. I don't know why, I wasn't mean to them; in fact, I desperately wanted them to like me, but I don't know why they didn't. I'm sure if I asked any of them now, they wouldn't even know why.
So I realized this morning that I am afraid to approach people because they might say "Eww, Fat Girl, get away from me. You are not welcome here" and then laugh at me as I walk away. I got through it last night, it was a bit awkward approaching people, but I found that if I walked around and smiled at people and/or said hi, the strangest thing would happen sometimes. Some people would smile back, some people would say hi, and some would even take off their headphones and talk to me! Shake my hand and everything! Oh my god! Some people weren't as chatty, but that's okay. Plus, I know it will take me a little while to get into my 'groove' of approaching people, and have thought about asking if I can hang out at the reception desk and greet people there first, rather than 'interrupting' them in their workout. So why am I letting something that happened 21 years ago (and I am cringing as I write this) affect me to this day?
Last night, Steve, the fitness manager who has been training me, made a comment about one of the 'high-risk' members that he approached to show me what to do, basically. Apparently, this woman used to come to the gym all the time, but doesn't anymore. She was a bit cold when he was talking to her, but she did chat briefly. After that, we went back to the desk and he commented about how she had her "bitch face" on - headphones on, on the treadmill closest to the wall, away from people, not making eye contact with anyone. Huh. That's how I workout. And I rarely ever had club members or staff members approaching me when I would work out, other than to ask if I was finished with whatever equipment I had been using. And at school, people don't readily approach me and talk to me either, because I come into the class, find a seat away in the third or fourth row, with at least one seat in between me and the next person. Then I put my glasses on (which kind of blocks my peripheral vision), and I look down at my paper, or check my phone, without really talking to anyone. I will say hi to people I have been forced to meet through group projects, and usually they are very nice. Do I go around most places with my "bitch face" on? Maybe? I am reminded of how people used to tell me all the time that "I thought you were a snob when I first met you, but you're actually really nice". It wasn't at all that I was a snob, it was that I was terrified to talk to them, or say the wrong thing, or do something that would make them not like me. And, as it turned out, they did like me! Once I opened up a bit. Which I do more quickly these days; I'm not nearly as awkward as I was 10 or 15 years ago. In one of my classes, we have to grade each other for a group presentation, and I am terrified of being graded poorly by these people. But why would they? Because I contributed ideas to the presentation? Because I wanted to have a speaking part in the presentation, and I helped contribute to the written background paper? Why would these people grade me poorly for this? Again, that fear of "Eww, Fat Girl. We don't like you." Which I am hoping is not true.
It seems like I still have some work to do on the confidence front, so I think this job will actually be perfect for me. Terrifying, maybe, but probably incredibly rewarding. I don't know where the quote comes from that's on most Lululemon tote bags, but it is resonating strongly with me today. "Do something every day that scares you". There are lots of things I am scared of, and that I avoid, because it's easier than taking the risk. But what's the big risk here? That someone might not say hi to me? Big frickin deal, honey. Get over it. Which is exactly what I plan to do.
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
November 26
Since my last check-in, I was doing fairly well. I seemed to have my eating under control, and I've been working out with heavy weights, and seeing some decent results. Last Thursday though, I had a craving for chocolate, so I thought I would 'mindfully indulge' in some M&Ms and Mini Eggs (the small bags, not the big ones I usually buy). Bad idea. That lead to 'needing' cheezies and more mini eggs, then some M&Ms, and more cheezies. I had plans that night to go out with friends from work; that didn't happen. I went home and binged, with intentions of purging afterward. I fell asleep before I could throw up, and so woke up the next day feeling absolutely disgusting. I can't actually remember the last time I purged; I think it was some time in September. Maybe October? I don't know, it's been awhile for sure. I actually threw out the toothbrush that I would use for purging; I guess that's a step in the right direction. Since then, I've been bingeing quite a bit, and feeling fat. I know 'that time of the month' is coming soon, and I always seem to turn into a [c]raving mad woman for a good 10 days before hand, with an insatiable appetite for carbs, carbs, and more carbs. Whatever. It is what it is, I guess. I just want to be done with this. I have been buying healthy groceries, and preparing meals to take to school with me, so that's good. But at night is really the problem. Luc is staying with me full-time now too; thanks to some accusations regarding inappropriate touching of Luc's 3-year-old sister, he can't stay with his dad for an undisclosed amount of time. So that has been stressful. He eats so much, then I eat what he is eating; I'm frustrated with his behaviour most of the time, it's just not really a good situation. And things with Tony are fizzling; he won't come over to my house to hang out, and Luc doesn't like going to his house, so I basically have seen him twice over the last two weeks. I like him, but I'm just not so sure anymore. Anyway, that's about it for now; I can't really think of anything important to add at the moment.
Monday, 25 November 2013
November 8
Check-in time again, should have done this sooner than later, but things have been pretty hectic lately. Between midterms, and school, and work, and Luc, and Tony, and exercise, and eating, and, and, and the list goes on. It's stressing me out. Like seriously. I need to be more organized. I need to be more in control. I need...some time to myself once in awhile!
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the fight Tony and I had back in September. During the week of my birthday, when I was feeling incredibly depressed about everything, he went from being quietly supportive to outright critical, and that was upsetting. The Sunday after my birthday, we had plans to go for dinner with my family in Okotoks. Tony and I had made tentative plans for during the day, but I ended up staying in bed until about 3pm. Not necessarily sleeping, just hanging out there, avoiding things. Tony thought I was going to come over to his house, and I was feeling frustrated about how there are so many people that ask/expect me to come to them, but don't reciprocate. I was feeling particularly sad about this when only two of my friends came out for my birthday, because I wanted to do a 5k walk for peace, instead of going out to the bar. That same weekend, I had about four different invites from people to go to their events, which I had said I would go to but then cancelled. Now, I suppose I can't complain about people not coming to my things if I don't go to theirs, but it seems like I am always the one doing the work- coming to their house, going to their events, Tony always wanting me at his house and never coming to mine, feeling like I exist to be Luc's personal servant, haircut clients asking me to come to them in my 'free time' for their convenience. I guess I just kind of snapped.
Anyway, so back to the Sunday dinner; Tony was mad at me for not coming over, and I was mad at him (and a lot of other people) for always expecting me to come to him. Why can't he come to my house once in awhile? Does he realize what a pain in the ass it is to live at two houses and haul my stuff all over the place? I am so ready to move in with him, but I am concerned for Luc. I don't think Luc is ready to move in with Tony (and I realize that it's my decision, not his, but the kid is seriously affected by his dad and step-mom's split, that I don't want to move him again just in case things don't work out. We fought the whole way out to Okotoks- he was basically telling me to grow up and quit being depressed, "just find a different way to deal with it" and I was mad at him for thinking this way. I even got thinking "Fine, I'll show you a different way of dealing with this, I'll just go home and take a bunch of pills, and wash it down with alcohol, and maybe even cut myself so that hopefully I'll die". Yeah, cuz that's a good idea. Not the first time I've had that idea (honestly, it's gone through my mind thousands of times since I was 15), but I'm ready for it to be the last time it goes through my mind. Because really, how is that helping? Who is that helping? Me? Maybe, not really. What about Luc, who would lose his mom? What about my parents, who would lose their other daughter barely a year later? Would that show Tony I was 'dealing with my issues another way'? No, not really. And what if I didn't die? Then I would have to explain myself to everyone, and I don't really want to have to do that. So needless to say, I didn't go home and take a bottle of pills, wash it down with some booze, or cut myself. I just went home with Tony, and have been thinking about the fight ever since.
So, as mad as I was at him for daring to suggest that my problems are all in my head, I started thinking about what if they are just all in my head? What if all this "knowing" that I am depressed, have an eating disorder, get more depressed every September, can't function properly, etc. is actually fueling why I 'am' these things? This isn't a new way of thinking, it's just simple cognitive behavioural therapy in action. Change the way you think, then change the way you are. It makes me think about when I read the first chapter of The Secret, I thought it was THE most cheesy thing ever; you can't just wish your way into a hot body, an awesome job, a sexy husband, and tons of money. Not happening. In the words of Britney, if you want a [insert desired outcome here], you gotta work, bitch! But what if my mindset is getting in my way? Yeah, I'm gonna have to work for the things I want, but the more I expect myself to fail, the more I actually will. If I expect myself to get depressed in September, then I probably will. If I expect to always gain weight after a short period of losing it, then I probably will. If I expect that I can accomplish my goals, stick to my plans, be more organized, then maybe I will?
So how is changing my mindset really gonna help me? I have had expectations of myself to be awesome and perfect and fit and sexy for years, but I still haven't accomplished it. So how can I make things different? How can I stop getting in my own way and get my shit together again? I believe this is possible, and acknowledge that it will take some work on my end. So here are my intentions on how I will achieve what I want. Realistically.
1. Deciding what it is that I want. Contemporary goal setting uses the SMART paradigm- goals should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. It's easy to say I want to be ripped like a fitness model, it's a whole other thing to actually be ripped like a fitness model. I have done all kinds of (unsuccessful) things in pursuit of this goal. All the fitness models I follow say the same things; plan, be prepared, organize, eat clean, work out, sleep well. All these great things that everyone should do. And I like the idea of these things, I just have a terrible time following through on them. Or do I? If I am changing my mindset, then I need to know that I can follow through on things. It'll take some work and planning, but I believe I can do it. So as far as achieving my goal, I will have to break down each of the things I need to do into their own, easily accomplish able goals.
So for example, planning. How can I set a goal to follow through on planning? The irony that I have to plan out how I am going to plan for things- but hey, I think more of us have this problem than we admit. I think a specific goal I can make here would relate to my daily schedule. I can plan out the activities and responsibilities I have each day, and then write it down on a visual schedule. Something easily accessible, that I can carry with me. I use my phone a lot, but I feel like a calendar or day planner might be better. Yes, I will have to take fifteen minutes out of my day to organize my schedule, but I think that's doable. So how about we start small. Every day for one week, I will take 15 minutes in the evening to write out my schedule for the next day, including meal preparation for the day, a workout plan, and consolidating errands and appointments as much as possible. Make up a daily To-Do list, and then crossing those things off each day. That seems easy enough, I think.
2. Maintaining the motivation to follow through on things. I saw a quote recently that said "Motivation is kind of like bathing. It doesn't last, so it is recommended daily". Very true. I repeatedly get myself worked up and excited over 'new ways' of being awesome, that last for about a week. So, how can I motivate myself daily to stick to my goals? How do I resist the temptations to be lazy, to skip a workout or class, to procrastinate on things, etc. Maybe by checking in with myself each morning on what it is that I want. And then actually doing that, instead of just intending to.
3. Participating in regular yoga and/or meditation sessions for grounding and mindfulness. Specifically, I will attend a kundalini yoga class every Sunday from 11:30-1, and practice vinyasa- or hatha-based yoga 3 times each week, whether at home or after work. And I will do this for one week, and then check in again. Realistically, I need to prioritize myself in all the craziness that I call life. Being a stress-case stressing over how little time I have and how much I have to do isn't helping. Taking time out each day (or four days a week) to be in the present moment might just be what I need to do. Again, it might be difficult for me to follow through on this, but as per the above, I will have to make time and prioritize myself.
4. Learn to say no once in awhile. "No, I can't cut your hair before noon, because I would like to do yoga or workout". "No, I can't come to your house, because I always go there. Why don't you come to my house?". "No, I can't work tonight because I need to focus on Luc". Saying no is hard, especially as a people-pleaser. The last thing I would want is to disappoint other people, so for years I have put myself (and Luc) second to cater to the needs/wants of others. But rather than just saying no to people, I will ask them to compromise and work with me. As far as hair appointments go, I have already started offering two or three 'hair days' where clients come to me, instead of me driving all over the city, sometimes multiple times per week. And so far, it seems like my clients are receptive to this. As far as work goes, I know that Luc needs help with school, so I won't work more than three times per week. This is fair, I think. I have learned over the years that I don't like it when people cross my boundaries, but they never know they have crossed them, because I give in all the time. I don't even know what my boundaries are until someone crosses something and upsets me.
That's all I have time for today, besides, this is enough stuff to work on for now. Check in with ya later!
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the fight Tony and I had back in September. During the week of my birthday, when I was feeling incredibly depressed about everything, he went from being quietly supportive to outright critical, and that was upsetting. The Sunday after my birthday, we had plans to go for dinner with my family in Okotoks. Tony and I had made tentative plans for during the day, but I ended up staying in bed until about 3pm. Not necessarily sleeping, just hanging out there, avoiding things. Tony thought I was going to come over to his house, and I was feeling frustrated about how there are so many people that ask/expect me to come to them, but don't reciprocate. I was feeling particularly sad about this when only two of my friends came out for my birthday, because I wanted to do a 5k walk for peace, instead of going out to the bar. That same weekend, I had about four different invites from people to go to their events, which I had said I would go to but then cancelled. Now, I suppose I can't complain about people not coming to my things if I don't go to theirs, but it seems like I am always the one doing the work- coming to their house, going to their events, Tony always wanting me at his house and never coming to mine, feeling like I exist to be Luc's personal servant, haircut clients asking me to come to them in my 'free time' for their convenience. I guess I just kind of snapped.
Anyway, so back to the Sunday dinner; Tony was mad at me for not coming over, and I was mad at him (and a lot of other people) for always expecting me to come to him. Why can't he come to my house once in awhile? Does he realize what a pain in the ass it is to live at two houses and haul my stuff all over the place? I am so ready to move in with him, but I am concerned for Luc. I don't think Luc is ready to move in with Tony (and I realize that it's my decision, not his, but the kid is seriously affected by his dad and step-mom's split, that I don't want to move him again just in case things don't work out. We fought the whole way out to Okotoks- he was basically telling me to grow up and quit being depressed, "just find a different way to deal with it" and I was mad at him for thinking this way. I even got thinking "Fine, I'll show you a different way of dealing with this, I'll just go home and take a bunch of pills, and wash it down with alcohol, and maybe even cut myself so that hopefully I'll die". Yeah, cuz that's a good idea. Not the first time I've had that idea (honestly, it's gone through my mind thousands of times since I was 15), but I'm ready for it to be the last time it goes through my mind. Because really, how is that helping? Who is that helping? Me? Maybe, not really. What about Luc, who would lose his mom? What about my parents, who would lose their other daughter barely a year later? Would that show Tony I was 'dealing with my issues another way'? No, not really. And what if I didn't die? Then I would have to explain myself to everyone, and I don't really want to have to do that. So needless to say, I didn't go home and take a bottle of pills, wash it down with some booze, or cut myself. I just went home with Tony, and have been thinking about the fight ever since.
So, as mad as I was at him for daring to suggest that my problems are all in my head, I started thinking about what if they are just all in my head? What if all this "knowing" that I am depressed, have an eating disorder, get more depressed every September, can't function properly, etc. is actually fueling why I 'am' these things? This isn't a new way of thinking, it's just simple cognitive behavioural therapy in action. Change the way you think, then change the way you are. It makes me think about when I read the first chapter of The Secret, I thought it was THE most cheesy thing ever; you can't just wish your way into a hot body, an awesome job, a sexy husband, and tons of money. Not happening. In the words of Britney, if you want a [insert desired outcome here], you gotta work, bitch! But what if my mindset is getting in my way? Yeah, I'm gonna have to work for the things I want, but the more I expect myself to fail, the more I actually will. If I expect myself to get depressed in September, then I probably will. If I expect to always gain weight after a short period of losing it, then I probably will. If I expect that I can accomplish my goals, stick to my plans, be more organized, then maybe I will?
So how is changing my mindset really gonna help me? I have had expectations of myself to be awesome and perfect and fit and sexy for years, but I still haven't accomplished it. So how can I make things different? How can I stop getting in my own way and get my shit together again? I believe this is possible, and acknowledge that it will take some work on my end. So here are my intentions on how I will achieve what I want. Realistically.
1. Deciding what it is that I want. Contemporary goal setting uses the SMART paradigm- goals should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. It's easy to say I want to be ripped like a fitness model, it's a whole other thing to actually be ripped like a fitness model. I have done all kinds of (unsuccessful) things in pursuit of this goal. All the fitness models I follow say the same things; plan, be prepared, organize, eat clean, work out, sleep well. All these great things that everyone should do. And I like the idea of these things, I just have a terrible time following through on them. Or do I? If I am changing my mindset, then I need to know that I can follow through on things. It'll take some work and planning, but I believe I can do it. So as far as achieving my goal, I will have to break down each of the things I need to do into their own, easily accomplish able goals.
So for example, planning. How can I set a goal to follow through on planning? The irony that I have to plan out how I am going to plan for things- but hey, I think more of us have this problem than we admit. I think a specific goal I can make here would relate to my daily schedule. I can plan out the activities and responsibilities I have each day, and then write it down on a visual schedule. Something easily accessible, that I can carry with me. I use my phone a lot, but I feel like a calendar or day planner might be better. Yes, I will have to take fifteen minutes out of my day to organize my schedule, but I think that's doable. So how about we start small. Every day for one week, I will take 15 minutes in the evening to write out my schedule for the next day, including meal preparation for the day, a workout plan, and consolidating errands and appointments as much as possible. Make up a daily To-Do list, and then crossing those things off each day. That seems easy enough, I think.
2. Maintaining the motivation to follow through on things. I saw a quote recently that said "Motivation is kind of like bathing. It doesn't last, so it is recommended daily". Very true. I repeatedly get myself worked up and excited over 'new ways' of being awesome, that last for about a week. So, how can I motivate myself daily to stick to my goals? How do I resist the temptations to be lazy, to skip a workout or class, to procrastinate on things, etc. Maybe by checking in with myself each morning on what it is that I want. And then actually doing that, instead of just intending to.
3. Participating in regular yoga and/or meditation sessions for grounding and mindfulness. Specifically, I will attend a kundalini yoga class every Sunday from 11:30-1, and practice vinyasa- or hatha-based yoga 3 times each week, whether at home or after work. And I will do this for one week, and then check in again. Realistically, I need to prioritize myself in all the craziness that I call life. Being a stress-case stressing over how little time I have and how much I have to do isn't helping. Taking time out each day (or four days a week) to be in the present moment might just be what I need to do. Again, it might be difficult for me to follow through on this, but as per the above, I will have to make time and prioritize myself.
4. Learn to say no once in awhile. "No, I can't cut your hair before noon, because I would like to do yoga or workout". "No, I can't come to your house, because I always go there. Why don't you come to my house?". "No, I can't work tonight because I need to focus on Luc". Saying no is hard, especially as a people-pleaser. The last thing I would want is to disappoint other people, so for years I have put myself (and Luc) second to cater to the needs/wants of others. But rather than just saying no to people, I will ask them to compromise and work with me. As far as hair appointments go, I have already started offering two or three 'hair days' where clients come to me, instead of me driving all over the city, sometimes multiple times per week. And so far, it seems like my clients are receptive to this. As far as work goes, I know that Luc needs help with school, so I won't work more than three times per week. This is fair, I think. I have learned over the years that I don't like it when people cross my boundaries, but they never know they have crossed them, because I give in all the time. I don't even know what my boundaries are until someone crosses something and upsets me.
That's all I have time for today, besides, this is enough stuff to work on for now. Check in with ya later!
Thursday, 24 October 2013
October 24
Well, it's been about 6 months since the last time I checked in here, so I feel like it's time to start posting again regularly. Whether or not anyone reads it, I just need support because things have slipped downhill quite a bit since the last time I posted. In the same way that the last few years have gone, I don't know what it is about August/September that just get me so depressed! Faaack. It's so frustrating. I'll start off with a run-through of the summer as an update, and then I'll get into that stuff later.
Since the last time I posted, I got a job working at the yoga studio I have been practicing at for awhile, and the job is awesome. I get to hang out with really awesome yoga instructors, I get free unlimited yoga, and I get paid! I made a solid effort to attend a class at least every second day through April, May and June, and I think that was really good for my health and mental well-being. I was taking a course at U of C again, and that was okay (more on that later). However, in June, Antonio and Bianca split up, they went their separate ways, and I lost my free and awesome childcare. I withdrew from the summer course I was going to take, and started bringing Luc to work with me. There is a childcare room there, so we would bring the iPad and laptop for Luc to play with when there weren't other kids, and brought him lots of snacks so I wasn't constantly having to go out and buy food for him. For the most part, it worked fairly well, although he would get whiny at times, and it was very frustrating to have to deal with him when I am also helping customers. Luc was with me for most of the summer, and that was okay, except for bedtimes. We got into the same bad routine of him staying up later than he should be, eating lots of snacks and things before bed, and then having issues with sleep and waking. Once school started again, I convinced Antonio that Luc had to spend school nights at his place, because I can't handle Luc arguing with me about bedtime, and then not waking up when he has school. It stresses me out too much.
For the majority of the spring and summer, my focus was completely on my body and losing weight, as usual, but this time was different. I had started doing a new exercise program in March, but then got serious about the diet, and the weight just fell off. I lost about 15 pounds over the summer, and everyone was telling me how skinny I was, how good I was looking, and commenting on the weight loss. It. Was. Amazing. Except that to lose the weight, I wasn't really eating that much. When I wasn't eating, I was thinking about what I was (not) going to eat next, researching 'tips' on pro-ana websites, and doing various things to curb my appetite including taking pills, excessive caffeine and smoking cigarettes. Yes, cigarettes. I'm as ashamed and disgusted to admit it as you are to read it. But I did it, and it worked, but not without Luc and Tony getting upset with me for smoking behind their backs. I figured since bingeing and purging will probably kill me eventually, and smoking might kill me eventually, which one is the lesser of two evils? One that makes me hate myself and get fat/not lose weight or one that makes me hate myself and lose weight? Yep, the logic is flawed, but I am aware of that. I ended up skipping a lot of my spring classes too, and actually failed the final exam, because my brain was so focused on exercising, losing weight, and meal planning that I couldn't focus on what I needed to learn. Fortunately I passed the course, thanks to acing the lab exams, but still. How did I go from 94% to 40% in the same class?
After the course ended, then I had more time to focus on my body, and continued restricting my diet, although I would binge at night if Luc was around. Sometimes I would purge too, sometimes I could get away with just not eating much the next day and would still lose weight. I wanted to get to 118 - which would be 50lbs down from my highest weight ever in 2011. I got to 128, which is great. I was happy with that. And then the anniversary of Amy's passing came and went, along with another round of bingeing and depression. The day of the anniversary was hard, I am quite a bit more emotional about her passing now than I was when it all first happened. I think that's normal though. I started eating on my way back to Calgary after the memorial service we had at the cemetery on Aug 31 (after getting tons of compliments about how good I was looking), and I haven't been able to stop.
Tony and I went to Whistler for a week; that was amazing! Although, I drank quite a bit while we were there, so that lead to some very bad decisions about what to eat. I would start out well, eating healthily, then as soon as we would go to a restaurant to eat, all I wanted was bread, and cheese, and cocktails - all those things that I usually won't let myself have (if I can avoid it), because I have no willpower to consume these things in moderation. I tried to change my thinking about the situation - "I'm on holiday, I deserve this". Bullshit! Because now I can't stop. I let go of the short-lived tight control over what goes into my mouth, and the cravings have come back with a vengeance.
So, home from Whistler, back to the reality of every day life. Going to school, going to work, my student loans being ridiculously delayed, my birthday- all these things hit me like a ton of bricks and I am really struggling. I keep attempting to eat well and exercise, but get derailed by various things. Even going to school is difficult - I should be more than psyched to get to school and learn about my favorite things (exercise and nutrition!), but I can hardly drag my ass out of bed most days. Luc is really struggling in school - yes, I know he plays too many video games and I need to be stricter with him, but I honestly think he is struggling with the break-up and the change that went along with it. He seems like he is mopey and depressed too, so I think he needs psychological/psychiatric attention. Sooner than later. What has been really frustrating in all of this is that now Tony and I have been fighting a lot - he thinks mental illness is bullshit and that "People should just grow up and learn to deal with it". Are you fucking kidding me? You think I LIKE this??? You think I have been purposely been putting myself through this hell for the last few years? If it were as easy as just changing my mindset and 'dealing with things differently', then I would have done that a long fucking time ago. I believe that eating well, exercising, practicing yoga and monitoring my mental well-being will work to get me through this, but why can't I do it on my own? Am I making excuses? Am I not trying hard enough?
This got me thinking about how things have gone over the last ten years. I really feel like I've regressed mentally and emotionally to how I was when I was 17 - 20. Of course the situations are different, but there are a lot of similarities. Dealing with grief, addiction, really bad spending habits. I was more of a grown-up when I was 25 than I am now. I was on a roll after Antonio and I split up - looking after my finances, budgeting, taking care of Luc, keeping my house clean, doing really well in school. Since Matt though, it's all fallen apart again. Grief, the eating disorder, really bad spending habits (thank you paypal and online shopping!). Although I would say that the relationship between Luc and I is dysfunctional and probably even abusive, so I think that contributes to my (lack of) mental health these days. I can't blame it all on one abusive relationship, there are definitely more things that triggered all of this.
So anyway, there's my confession. I'm not doing well at ALL these days. I keep eating so much that I have gained back ten pounds of what I lost, and it is so difficult to force myself to work out or eat right. I haven't been purging that much, which I guess is good, but seeing the weight come back on is difficult. And I know that being on a restrictive diet for any period of time will inevitably result in bingeing. Yes, I know in theory that taking my pills, taking care of my health, going to school - all these things are good for me, so why am I having such a hard time following through on any of it? I don't think I want to go back to the ED program, they didn't really help me before, so why would it be any better now? But I have to do something about this, I don't think I can take it for very much longer.....
Since the last time I posted, I got a job working at the yoga studio I have been practicing at for awhile, and the job is awesome. I get to hang out with really awesome yoga instructors, I get free unlimited yoga, and I get paid! I made a solid effort to attend a class at least every second day through April, May and June, and I think that was really good for my health and mental well-being. I was taking a course at U of C again, and that was okay (more on that later). However, in June, Antonio and Bianca split up, they went their separate ways, and I lost my free and awesome childcare. I withdrew from the summer course I was going to take, and started bringing Luc to work with me. There is a childcare room there, so we would bring the iPad and laptop for Luc to play with when there weren't other kids, and brought him lots of snacks so I wasn't constantly having to go out and buy food for him. For the most part, it worked fairly well, although he would get whiny at times, and it was very frustrating to have to deal with him when I am also helping customers. Luc was with me for most of the summer, and that was okay, except for bedtimes. We got into the same bad routine of him staying up later than he should be, eating lots of snacks and things before bed, and then having issues with sleep and waking. Once school started again, I convinced Antonio that Luc had to spend school nights at his place, because I can't handle Luc arguing with me about bedtime, and then not waking up when he has school. It stresses me out too much.
For the majority of the spring and summer, my focus was completely on my body and losing weight, as usual, but this time was different. I had started doing a new exercise program in March, but then got serious about the diet, and the weight just fell off. I lost about 15 pounds over the summer, and everyone was telling me how skinny I was, how good I was looking, and commenting on the weight loss. It. Was. Amazing. Except that to lose the weight, I wasn't really eating that much. When I wasn't eating, I was thinking about what I was (not) going to eat next, researching 'tips' on pro-ana websites, and doing various things to curb my appetite including taking pills, excessive caffeine and smoking cigarettes. Yes, cigarettes. I'm as ashamed and disgusted to admit it as you are to read it. But I did it, and it worked, but not without Luc and Tony getting upset with me for smoking behind their backs. I figured since bingeing and purging will probably kill me eventually, and smoking might kill me eventually, which one is the lesser of two evils? One that makes me hate myself and get fat/not lose weight or one that makes me hate myself and lose weight? Yep, the logic is flawed, but I am aware of that. I ended up skipping a lot of my spring classes too, and actually failed the final exam, because my brain was so focused on exercising, losing weight, and meal planning that I couldn't focus on what I needed to learn. Fortunately I passed the course, thanks to acing the lab exams, but still. How did I go from 94% to 40% in the same class?
After the course ended, then I had more time to focus on my body, and continued restricting my diet, although I would binge at night if Luc was around. Sometimes I would purge too, sometimes I could get away with just not eating much the next day and would still lose weight. I wanted to get to 118 - which would be 50lbs down from my highest weight ever in 2011. I got to 128, which is great. I was happy with that. And then the anniversary of Amy's passing came and went, along with another round of bingeing and depression. The day of the anniversary was hard, I am quite a bit more emotional about her passing now than I was when it all first happened. I think that's normal though. I started eating on my way back to Calgary after the memorial service we had at the cemetery on Aug 31 (after getting tons of compliments about how good I was looking), and I haven't been able to stop.
Tony and I went to Whistler for a week; that was amazing! Although, I drank quite a bit while we were there, so that lead to some very bad decisions about what to eat. I would start out well, eating healthily, then as soon as we would go to a restaurant to eat, all I wanted was bread, and cheese, and cocktails - all those things that I usually won't let myself have (if I can avoid it), because I have no willpower to consume these things in moderation. I tried to change my thinking about the situation - "I'm on holiday, I deserve this". Bullshit! Because now I can't stop. I let go of the short-lived tight control over what goes into my mouth, and the cravings have come back with a vengeance.
So, home from Whistler, back to the reality of every day life. Going to school, going to work, my student loans being ridiculously delayed, my birthday- all these things hit me like a ton of bricks and I am really struggling. I keep attempting to eat well and exercise, but get derailed by various things. Even going to school is difficult - I should be more than psyched to get to school and learn about my favorite things (exercise and nutrition!), but I can hardly drag my ass out of bed most days. Luc is really struggling in school - yes, I know he plays too many video games and I need to be stricter with him, but I honestly think he is struggling with the break-up and the change that went along with it. He seems like he is mopey and depressed too, so I think he needs psychological/psychiatric attention. Sooner than later. What has been really frustrating in all of this is that now Tony and I have been fighting a lot - he thinks mental illness is bullshit and that "People should just grow up and learn to deal with it". Are you fucking kidding me? You think I LIKE this??? You think I have been purposely been putting myself through this hell for the last few years? If it were as easy as just changing my mindset and 'dealing with things differently', then I would have done that a long fucking time ago. I believe that eating well, exercising, practicing yoga and monitoring my mental well-being will work to get me through this, but why can't I do it on my own? Am I making excuses? Am I not trying hard enough?
This got me thinking about how things have gone over the last ten years. I really feel like I've regressed mentally and emotionally to how I was when I was 17 - 20. Of course the situations are different, but there are a lot of similarities. Dealing with grief, addiction, really bad spending habits. I was more of a grown-up when I was 25 than I am now. I was on a roll after Antonio and I split up - looking after my finances, budgeting, taking care of Luc, keeping my house clean, doing really well in school. Since Matt though, it's all fallen apart again. Grief, the eating disorder, really bad spending habits (thank you paypal and online shopping!). Although I would say that the relationship between Luc and I is dysfunctional and probably even abusive, so I think that contributes to my (lack of) mental health these days. I can't blame it all on one abusive relationship, there are definitely more things that triggered all of this.
So anyway, there's my confession. I'm not doing well at ALL these days. I keep eating so much that I have gained back ten pounds of what I lost, and it is so difficult to force myself to work out or eat right. I haven't been purging that much, which I guess is good, but seeing the weight come back on is difficult. And I know that being on a restrictive diet for any period of time will inevitably result in bingeing. Yes, I know in theory that taking my pills, taking care of my health, going to school - all these things are good for me, so why am I having such a hard time following through on any of it? I don't think I want to go back to the ED program, they didn't really help me before, so why would it be any better now? But I have to do something about this, I don't think I can take it for very much longer.....
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
April 9
Might have to do this update in two sections, have to run out to pick up Luc from school pretty soon. Since my check-in last week, I think things have gone pretty well. I didn't end up going to my out-patient groups, I'm kinda thinking I'm done with Alberta Health Services, and might as well use the time I have right now to work on more future planning. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how being a professional student, while having it's advantages, maybe isn't the ideal path to follow for a 30-year-old broke-ass single mom (yes, I know, many of you have probably been thinking this for years, but apparently I needed a bit more life experience before I realized it too). I know that I keep changing my mind every few years about what I really want to do with my life, and that every spring for the last four years I've gone through a should-be life transforming series of investments and ideas and education that seem to be derailed every August or September. Honestly, I think it could be cyclothymic disorder (sort of like bi-polar 'lite'), but when I mentioned it to a psychiatrist, he suggested that since I didn't have the characteristic lack of sleep associated with manic phases, then it is probably just 'regular' depression. Or maybe a serious case of seasonal affective disorder. I mean, seriously - every year for the last three years I've 'discovered' what it is that I'm passionate about (they are all kind of similar, with some variation every year - working from home, choosing my own schedule, counselling, nutrition, health, wellness, etc.) but every fall seem to slip back into the depression and concurrent bulimia. So I need to keep this in mind when I am looking into programs, career options, funding, etc. But so far, I have looked into getting into the M.Sc. in Counselling Psychology (yes, the program I was waitlisted for and then accepted into but declined because I impulsively decided to take Kinesiology), and might also see about attending evening courses with the Canadian School of Natural Nutrition, where I could get a diploma for the Registered Holistic Nutritionist program. Definitely something I'm interested in doing, as then it would be a good lead for getting a job while doing the Masters. Not quite sure how to pay for it, and I'm not sure if it would be similar to the Health Coach program I will be graduating from right away here (through the Institute for Integrative Nutrition). Funny that I can graduate from a program without really doing the work for it though - I know for sure that online courses are not a good idea for me. I just have to pass the last test, and then I will be a certified health coach. If the programs are the same, then I won't worry about the CSNN program, and instead just actually do the modules from IIN. They provide a lot of info on running a home-based business based on health and wellness counselling/coaching, so it's basically what I want to do. I won't be able to call myself a nutritionist or dietician though, but will have access to a large array of dietary theories and modules on holistic health, so pretty close, but just without the fancier designations of RHT and MSc, but those could come later. At least this would be a start to getting some money in the bank. I'm not quite sure what to do about KNES though. Should I finish the degree before applying to grad school, or just take the few courses I'm interested in (Anatomy and Physiology, and Nutrition) and apply for counselling psych admission for Fall 2014? Decisions, decisions....still no job yet, but I did send out a couple of resumes.
Anyway, career and life goals aren't really the purpose of this blog, so I'll get into the food stuff over the last week. I had decided a couple weeks ago that I was going to do a liver detox, to clear out all the toxic build-up that I'm quite sure has resulted from all the bingeing, medication, and diet pills over the last few years. I looked up some stuff online, and found a one-day detox with a seven-day lead up, and three-day follow up. The 'prequel' consisted of loading up on leafy greens, cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower), liver-lovers like celery and asparagus, and other things like spirulina, olive and flaxseed oils, and so on. So I added lots of these things to everything I ate over the last week, with the exception of Saturday. I did well in the morning, but then we went to my godmother's 25th anniversary party, and then ate some cake, had a couple drinks, then went out for dinner with friends where I ate mostly according to the cleanse, except I think the dough on my pizza was not multigrain (like I ordered!), and so would be heavy on gluten. But, I didn't freak out about it, and actually didn't even realize it until the next day. We went to a movie, and I just had diet Coke (no popcorn or M&Ms), but had some microwave popcorn, cheese and chocolates at home. On Sunday, though, I was quite nauseous, probably from putting all the 'detox detractors' into my body - sugar, alcohol, caffeine, gluten, so ate fairly minimally on Sunday. Monday was detox day. I boiled up the Miracle Juice (Cranberry, orange and lemon juice, spiced with nutmeg, ginger, and cinammon) while drinking the flaxseed-water colon-cleansing pre-drink. Alternated between the Miracle Juice and water throughout the day, as per the cleansing protocol.
I should know better that anytime I try to go for an extended period without eating (like 5 hours usually) then all I can think about is food. Going the whole day without eating made me want to eat so badly, that I started nibbling on things throughout the evening. I don't know if it wrecked my detox, but probably was better to graze on things, rather than eating nothing at all. Or to binge like crazy, which was becoming very tempting as the night went on. I even woke up in the middle of the night to start planning my binge for today, but woke up this morning and decided not to. I can't afford it, and I would be really disappointed in myself for slipping. And so would anyone reading this. So instead, I finished up the last of my juice with flaxseed (I was supposed to drink that last night, but oh well), and ate some probiotic yogurt with blueberries and chia seeds. I went home after that to take a nice detox bath with lavender-scented epsom salts and a "toxic cleanse" bath bomb I picked up at the Body, Spirit and Soul Expo on Friday night. Decided to make it a 'me' day, which I figure I should take advantage of while I can. Called a friend for support on my way home this morning; by the time I was in the car I wasn't so interested in bingeing, but figured it would be a good idea. So far the day has gone well, gonna go make dinner for Luc and me, then it's off to swimming lessons for Luc and jogging for me!
Anyway, career and life goals aren't really the purpose of this blog, so I'll get into the food stuff over the last week. I had decided a couple weeks ago that I was going to do a liver detox, to clear out all the toxic build-up that I'm quite sure has resulted from all the bingeing, medication, and diet pills over the last few years. I looked up some stuff online, and found a one-day detox with a seven-day lead up, and three-day follow up. The 'prequel' consisted of loading up on leafy greens, cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower), liver-lovers like celery and asparagus, and other things like spirulina, olive and flaxseed oils, and so on. So I added lots of these things to everything I ate over the last week, with the exception of Saturday. I did well in the morning, but then we went to my godmother's 25th anniversary party, and then ate some cake, had a couple drinks, then went out for dinner with friends where I ate mostly according to the cleanse, except I think the dough on my pizza was not multigrain (like I ordered!), and so would be heavy on gluten. But, I didn't freak out about it, and actually didn't even realize it until the next day. We went to a movie, and I just had diet Coke (no popcorn or M&Ms), but had some microwave popcorn, cheese and chocolates at home. On Sunday, though, I was quite nauseous, probably from putting all the 'detox detractors' into my body - sugar, alcohol, caffeine, gluten, so ate fairly minimally on Sunday. Monday was detox day. I boiled up the Miracle Juice (Cranberry, orange and lemon juice, spiced with nutmeg, ginger, and cinammon) while drinking the flaxseed-water colon-cleansing pre-drink. Alternated between the Miracle Juice and water throughout the day, as per the cleansing protocol.
I should know better that anytime I try to go for an extended period without eating (like 5 hours usually) then all I can think about is food. Going the whole day without eating made me want to eat so badly, that I started nibbling on things throughout the evening. I don't know if it wrecked my detox, but probably was better to graze on things, rather than eating nothing at all. Or to binge like crazy, which was becoming very tempting as the night went on. I even woke up in the middle of the night to start planning my binge for today, but woke up this morning and decided not to. I can't afford it, and I would be really disappointed in myself for slipping. And so would anyone reading this. So instead, I finished up the last of my juice with flaxseed (I was supposed to drink that last night, but oh well), and ate some probiotic yogurt with blueberries and chia seeds. I went home after that to take a nice detox bath with lavender-scented epsom salts and a "toxic cleanse" bath bomb I picked up at the Body, Spirit and Soul Expo on Friday night. Decided to make it a 'me' day, which I figure I should take advantage of while I can. Called a friend for support on my way home this morning; by the time I was in the car I wasn't so interested in bingeing, but figured it would be a good idea. So far the day has gone well, gonna go make dinner for Luc and me, then it's off to swimming lessons for Luc and jogging for me!
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
April 3
Wow, April already! Time is going by really quickly. I am registered to start the outpatient groups this week, although I didn't go yesterday, and I'm not so sure if I feel like going today. I am getting more and more frustrated with the program (and Alberta Health Services in general), and am thinking about exploring holistic and natural solutions for my issues. More on that later.
Since the last time I checked in, I went for another job interview (didn't get that one either), and spent time with family and friends over the weekend. I have been working hard to keep E.D. at bay, but I can't help but think it is just transforming into something different. I binged on Wednesday night, Friday night and Saturday afternoon, but no purging. I didn't even work out on Friday or Saturday, and I think I am okay with that. I ran out of my medication some time last week, and kept forgetting to refill it. But now I'm not so sure I will. Research into naturopathic healing suggests that there are plenty of natural anti-depressants out there, and avoiding processed, sugar-laden foods will help to alleviate the depression. Since I started taking Prozac in September of 2011, I have gone from 10mg a day to 60 (the evidence-supported dosage for bulimia) and really have not found it to be all that effective. Yes, there were some benefits, but it was definitely not to the extent I was hoping for, so why pollute my body with chemicals when I can improve serotonin production in my brain naturally?
Which leads me into the potential dilemma I am in right now. Over the last month, I have been doing all kinds of research into raw food, vegan, and vegetarian diets. Which is not a new interest; I did start looking into this stuff last summer before all the craziness went down in September. Anyway, I like the idea of being vegan, although it requires a lot of prep work, and might be difficult to sustain among my Standard American Diet-following family and friends. But, the health benefits are obvious, so why not put in the extra effort to be healthy? I know that following a Western way of eating will give me a body that lacks vitality, is hormonally-imbalanced, riddled with fat, cellulite and acne, and is largely ill-nourished, so why follow that way of eating when it makes me unhappy? This makes sense to me, but I have to wonder whose intentions are behind this? I don't think that I want to eat this way to lose weight- to be honest, right now I don't care about that; I know that my body will adjust accordingly to being well-nourished. Also, I am becoming more and more okay with the way my body is these days- but is that from a change in my way of thinking or is it because I have lost almost 30 pounds since this time last year? I can't really say.
I know that generally vegans are thin, and that some ED sufferers are vegan, but not all vegans are ED sufferers. I know that it boils down to the intention behind the particular way of eating. If I chose to be a vegan so that I would lose weight and have a reason to eliminate a great deal of food from my diet, then that would be ED intentions. But if I choose to add in leafy greens, legumes, nuts and seeds without completely banishing other foods from my diet, then that is okay, right? This is essentially the philosophy of the nutrition program that I am about to finish up with (although a nutrition expert with an eating disorder is kind of like the delusional schizophrenic leading the blind). The program says to 'crowd out' less healthy food by adding in more healthy food. 90:10, good food to bad. And if cravings come up, then explore what is going on there. The founder of the school spoke about his experience following a macrobiotic diet but bingeing on ice cream indicated to him that his diet wasn't working, and to ease up on the rules. Makes a lot of sense. There are modules specific to eating disorders in the program, that I will have to re-watch for more info.
So, I think I will have to tread carefully with my eating. Eat well most of the time, but it's okay to eat poorly on occasion.
I got through Easter pretty well; I did eat quite a bit of candy while I was hiding eggs for Luc. Lots of booze on Friday lead to a chocolate-pizza-brownie binge that night. I think the cravings were from the alcohol plus drop in serotonin, but I ate a lot more than I felt I should have. No purging, but a lot of guilt after. Especially because I kept thinking about how I was feeling throughout the binge- every bite was like a small injection of heroin for me. So good, but so terribly bad. I don't know if Tony
was aware of this, but I felt bad for bingeing in front of him. I don't know if he was judging me for it, but I know that the ED could be the killer of our relationship. I can't remember if I posted it or not, but we had a good, long talk about why I need to get better.
On Monday I had a family therapy session with my parents. My poor Mum is probably irreparably traumatized from it, although that was not the intention. I don't know why she feels she is to blame for Amy's and my mental health, I keep telling her it's more than genetics, it's more than bullying, it's more than parental or environmental influence, but she is having difficulty with that. I'm not sure if we'll go back for any more counselling sessions, and out of respect for my parents, I won't comment on it here.
Since the last time I checked in, I went for another job interview (didn't get that one either), and spent time with family and friends over the weekend. I have been working hard to keep E.D. at bay, but I can't help but think it is just transforming into something different. I binged on Wednesday night, Friday night and Saturday afternoon, but no purging. I didn't even work out on Friday or Saturday, and I think I am okay with that. I ran out of my medication some time last week, and kept forgetting to refill it. But now I'm not so sure I will. Research into naturopathic healing suggests that there are plenty of natural anti-depressants out there, and avoiding processed, sugar-laden foods will help to alleviate the depression. Since I started taking Prozac in September of 2011, I have gone from 10mg a day to 60 (the evidence-supported dosage for bulimia) and really have not found it to be all that effective. Yes, there were some benefits, but it was definitely not to the extent I was hoping for, so why pollute my body with chemicals when I can improve serotonin production in my brain naturally?
Which leads me into the potential dilemma I am in right now. Over the last month, I have been doing all kinds of research into raw food, vegan, and vegetarian diets. Which is not a new interest; I did start looking into this stuff last summer before all the craziness went down in September. Anyway, I like the idea of being vegan, although it requires a lot of prep work, and might be difficult to sustain among my Standard American Diet-following family and friends. But, the health benefits are obvious, so why not put in the extra effort to be healthy? I know that following a Western way of eating will give me a body that lacks vitality, is hormonally-imbalanced, riddled with fat, cellulite and acne, and is largely ill-nourished, so why follow that way of eating when it makes me unhappy? This makes sense to me, but I have to wonder whose intentions are behind this? I don't think that I want to eat this way to lose weight- to be honest, right now I don't care about that; I know that my body will adjust accordingly to being well-nourished. Also, I am becoming more and more okay with the way my body is these days- but is that from a change in my way of thinking or is it because I have lost almost 30 pounds since this time last year? I can't really say.
I know that generally vegans are thin, and that some ED sufferers are vegan, but not all vegans are ED sufferers. I know that it boils down to the intention behind the particular way of eating. If I chose to be a vegan so that I would lose weight and have a reason to eliminate a great deal of food from my diet, then that would be ED intentions. But if I choose to add in leafy greens, legumes, nuts and seeds without completely banishing other foods from my diet, then that is okay, right? This is essentially the philosophy of the nutrition program that I am about to finish up with (although a nutrition expert with an eating disorder is kind of like the delusional schizophrenic leading the blind). The program says to 'crowd out' less healthy food by adding in more healthy food. 90:10, good food to bad. And if cravings come up, then explore what is going on there. The founder of the school spoke about his experience following a macrobiotic diet but bingeing on ice cream indicated to him that his diet wasn't working, and to ease up on the rules. Makes a lot of sense. There are modules specific to eating disorders in the program, that I will have to re-watch for more info.
So, I think I will have to tread carefully with my eating. Eat well most of the time, but it's okay to eat poorly on occasion.
I got through Easter pretty well; I did eat quite a bit of candy while I was hiding eggs for Luc. Lots of booze on Friday lead to a chocolate-pizza-brownie binge that night. I think the cravings were from the alcohol plus drop in serotonin, but I ate a lot more than I felt I should have. No purging, but a lot of guilt after. Especially because I kept thinking about how I was feeling throughout the binge- every bite was like a small injection of heroin for me. So good, but so terribly bad. I don't know if Tony
was aware of this, but I felt bad for bingeing in front of him. I don't know if he was judging me for it, but I know that the ED could be the killer of our relationship. I can't remember if I posted it or not, but we had a good, long talk about why I need to get better.
On Monday I had a family therapy session with my parents. My poor Mum is probably irreparably traumatized from it, although that was not the intention. I don't know why she feels she is to blame for Amy's and my mental health, I keep telling her it's more than genetics, it's more than bullying, it's more than parental or environmental influence, but she is having difficulty with that. I'm not sure if we'll go back for any more counselling sessions, and out of respect for my parents, I won't comment on it here.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
March 27 (continued)
Not really sure why, but feeling really sad and depressed this afternoon. I went for the outpatient orientation session at the Richmond Road Diagnostic and Treatment Centre. After that, I just felt so blah. I don't know if I want to go through with these outpatient groups. I know I probably still need them, but I feel like I am done with the eating disorder program. Nothing helps anyway, so why even bother?
I didn't get the job that I had interviewed for yesterday, oh well, whatever. I have another one tomorrow, so maybe that will go better. I found out that my great aunt died yesterday, and I think that triggered a lot of grief for me. I didn't really know her, she was 91 and in a home with bad dementia, but it's still sad. I emailed my grandmother to express my condolences for the loss of her sister. Cried quite a bit after that, I think obviously because it hit close to home.
I've been having slot of thoughts and doubts about the future and what I want to do career-wise. I feel like the wellness centre that I have been thinking about really needs to be a reality, but I don't really know how feasible it is. Plus, I probably need some more professional training to run something like that. But I don't know that I want to be a psychologist anymore, definitely not one that works in a hospital. I'm so sick of hearing about how many people have been let down by the mental health 'care' provided by Alberta Health Services. It's ridiculous. So I've been thinking maybe about going into naturopathic medicine, as it seems to align more with my beliefs and principles than standard medicine. So I'll have to look into that.
I didn't get the job that I had interviewed for yesterday, oh well, whatever. I have another one tomorrow, so maybe that will go better. I found out that my great aunt died yesterday, and I think that triggered a lot of grief for me. I didn't really know her, she was 91 and in a home with bad dementia, but it's still sad. I emailed my grandmother to express my condolences for the loss of her sister. Cried quite a bit after that, I think obviously because it hit close to home.
I've been having slot of thoughts and doubts about the future and what I want to do career-wise. I feel like the wellness centre that I have been thinking about really needs to be a reality, but I don't really know how feasible it is. Plus, I probably need some more professional training to run something like that. But I don't know that I want to be a psychologist anymore, definitely not one that works in a hospital. I'm so sick of hearing about how many people have been let down by the mental health 'care' provided by Alberta Health Services. It's ridiculous. So I've been thinking maybe about going into naturopathic medicine, as it seems to align more with my beliefs and principles than standard medicine. So I'll have to look into that.
March 27
Since I last checked in, things have been alright. A minor slip on Saturday night; I was on my way back to Tony's and needed to stop for gas. As I was driving up to the gas station, I was thinking about how I wanted some Mini Eggs and hot chocolate. I told myself that I didn't need that; I had a cookie that evening, so I wasn't hungry anymore. But then I thought "well, it's okay to have a treat once in awhile". So I bought the treats, and asked for guidance to get through it. I'm still not sure who I am talking to when I do these prayers and stuff. Anyway, long story short, I ended up pulling over in a parking lot to purge into the coffee cup. Really gave me déjà vu from my coke days. Pulling over late at night to bust a few more lines before getting to my destination, making sure the parking lot is sort of busy so as not to draw attention to myself, but constantly looking around to make sure no one can see what I'm doing. Only this time, instead of illegal drugs, I was hiding my disease from any potential on-lookers. I couldn't help but think about what I would say if someone caught me. Parked outside of a bar, with my head down over the arm rest, probably looking shady to passers-by, throwing up in an empty Tim Horton's cup. What if the cops drove by and suspected that I was doing drugs, and came and knocked on my window? How awful would that be to have to explain that? I wasn't doing anything illegal, just something very sick and kind of sad. Told my sponsor about it, and we talked about how depriving myself completely of these treats makes me want it even more, but I need to be asking for support before and while I'm eating it.
Sunday and Monday went well; I decided on Monday that I was going to be lazy and just stay in. In could have gone home to clean, which is something that I do really need to do, but relaxing at Tony's (much cleaner) house seemed like a better option. Went to the meeting that night, and phoned my sponsor on the way home about the dark chocolate I was going to have for a snack. I had decided that I was going to stop at Community on the way back to Tony's to grab an 80% cacao dark chocolate bar to eat with the trail mix I had bought earlier that day. When I got there, they were closed! Again, I had to put gas in my car, and knew that if I went into the store, that I would be tempted to buy something loaded with sugar and not antioxidants. Fortunately, the Shopper's Drug Mart beside the Petro-Can was open, and I know sometimes they have a small selection of organic stuff there. Phew, crisis averted. Got back to Tony's, had my snack, everything was great.
Last night I was quite a bit more triggered. We ordered dinner from Boston Pizza, and I really wanted to have some garlic bread. I usually don't eat it, but always want it, so this time I thought I would just eat it and enjoy it. Except we only got one order of garlic bread. We both ordered pasta, but maybe my gluten-free pasta doesn't come with garlic bread (which makes sense; if I'm gonna eat gluten-free pasta, then eating white bread seems very contradictory). Anyway, so I decided I would ask Tony if I could have a small bite. Which of course, he said yes. It was delicious. Lots of thoughts were going through my head before I asked him though- "just ask him, it's fine", "no, don't eat it, you still have back fat, it's going to make you fat" "a little bite won't hurt" "it'll make you want more". Holy, what kind of delusional conversation do I have going on here? I had to take a number of deep breaths to get through dinner, which was successful. Was a bit triggered after dinner, trying to plan out when I would have time to work out in addition to the yoga class I am taking tomorrow evening. Washing my face brought about all kinds of criticism about my skin that still isn't clearing up. We laid down to watch The Hobbit, and I fell asleep, so that quieted all those voices in my head.
So, one day at a time is the best I can do. Heading off to OA this morning, then I have the orientation for the Skills group through the outpatient clinic. A haircut in the afternoon, then yoga in the evening. As long as I pack my snacks, and eat regularly throughout the day, I should be alright.
Sunday and Monday went well; I decided on Monday that I was going to be lazy and just stay in. In could have gone home to clean, which is something that I do really need to do, but relaxing at Tony's (much cleaner) house seemed like a better option. Went to the meeting that night, and phoned my sponsor on the way home about the dark chocolate I was going to have for a snack. I had decided that I was going to stop at Community on the way back to Tony's to grab an 80% cacao dark chocolate bar to eat with the trail mix I had bought earlier that day. When I got there, they were closed! Again, I had to put gas in my car, and knew that if I went into the store, that I would be tempted to buy something loaded with sugar and not antioxidants. Fortunately, the Shopper's Drug Mart beside the Petro-Can was open, and I know sometimes they have a small selection of organic stuff there. Phew, crisis averted. Got back to Tony's, had my snack, everything was great.
Last night I was quite a bit more triggered. We ordered dinner from Boston Pizza, and I really wanted to have some garlic bread. I usually don't eat it, but always want it, so this time I thought I would just eat it and enjoy it. Except we only got one order of garlic bread. We both ordered pasta, but maybe my gluten-free pasta doesn't come with garlic bread (which makes sense; if I'm gonna eat gluten-free pasta, then eating white bread seems very contradictory). Anyway, so I decided I would ask Tony if I could have a small bite. Which of course, he said yes. It was delicious. Lots of thoughts were going through my head before I asked him though- "just ask him, it's fine", "no, don't eat it, you still have back fat, it's going to make you fat" "a little bite won't hurt" "it'll make you want more". Holy, what kind of delusional conversation do I have going on here? I had to take a number of deep breaths to get through dinner, which was successful. Was a bit triggered after dinner, trying to plan out when I would have time to work out in addition to the yoga class I am taking tomorrow evening. Washing my face brought about all kinds of criticism about my skin that still isn't clearing up. We laid down to watch The Hobbit, and I fell asleep, so that quieted all those voices in my head.
So, one day at a time is the best I can do. Heading off to OA this morning, then I have the orientation for the Skills group through the outpatient clinic. A haircut in the afternoon, then yoga in the evening. As long as I pack my snacks, and eat regularly throughout the day, I should be alright.
Saturday, 23 March 2013
March 23
Only a few days since my last check in, but I think that now is a good time to post. Since Thursday, I have stuck to my meal plan, exercised in moderation, and met with my sponsor to really start working on Step One. She asked me to take a picture of everything I eat and send it to her - mostly for accountability, but also to give myself a moment to stop and really look at what I am about to eat. So far, I have forgotten to do that more often than not, but I'm working on it. Anyway, no cravings or binges, but definitely some triggers.
I can definitely tell that my hormones are acting up again. I feel fat and bloated, and my complexion is awful. I've been going without make-up this week to see if foundation is what is making me break out, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Also, a friend of mine (who I think has a fantastic body) has challenged me to participate in the Spartan Race in August, and to do yoga three times a week to get in shape. Two things I would absolutely love to do. Yoga I think is fine; I feel like the meditation benefits will be greater for me than any weight loss/toning I might experience, and it is well known that mindfulness practice is very beneficial for many mental illnesses, including eating disorders. The Spartan Race is making me a little bit nervous. It's a 5k obstacle race, that requires participants to be in top shape with respect to athletic prowess and endurance. Awesome, sign me up right now. Heavy strength training and conditioning, very specific healthy diet - sounds like heaven to me. Or is that to E.D.? Am I really interested in being an athlete? Sort of. Am I triggered at the thought of training with and competing against my friend who has a great body, but I am in better cardiovascular shape? Absolutely. I know we'd be training 5 - 6 times a week, running, lifting, conditioning the body for strength and endurance while eating specific foods in specific ratios, at specific times. Yep, E.D. is pretty fired up right now. Not too mention that I feel fat and bloated and my complexion is awful. So we'll have to see about this. I'm not so sure that it is a good idea for me, but I know that my friend is excited to do this. I feel like it is the equivalent of an alcoholic being invited on a pub crawl. Or a drinking contest, or something like that. Challenging exercise and competitiveness just fuels the body image issues and food cravings, so I think I should probably decline participating, rather than please my friend by doing this with her. I know she means well and wants to get into shape too, but this is a toughy for me.
I can definitely tell that my hormones are acting up again. I feel fat and bloated, and my complexion is awful. I've been going without make-up this week to see if foundation is what is making me break out, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Also, a friend of mine (who I think has a fantastic body) has challenged me to participate in the Spartan Race in August, and to do yoga three times a week to get in shape. Two things I would absolutely love to do. Yoga I think is fine; I feel like the meditation benefits will be greater for me than any weight loss/toning I might experience, and it is well known that mindfulness practice is very beneficial for many mental illnesses, including eating disorders. The Spartan Race is making me a little bit nervous. It's a 5k obstacle race, that requires participants to be in top shape with respect to athletic prowess and endurance. Awesome, sign me up right now. Heavy strength training and conditioning, very specific healthy diet - sounds like heaven to me. Or is that to E.D.? Am I really interested in being an athlete? Sort of. Am I triggered at the thought of training with and competing against my friend who has a great body, but I am in better cardiovascular shape? Absolutely. I know we'd be training 5 - 6 times a week, running, lifting, conditioning the body for strength and endurance while eating specific foods in specific ratios, at specific times. Yep, E.D. is pretty fired up right now. Not too mention that I feel fat and bloated and my complexion is awful. So we'll have to see about this. I'm not so sure that it is a good idea for me, but I know that my friend is excited to do this. I feel like it is the equivalent of an alcoholic being invited on a pub crawl. Or a drinking contest, or something like that. Challenging exercise and competitiveness just fuels the body image issues and food cravings, so I think I should probably decline participating, rather than please my friend by doing this with her. I know she means well and wants to get into shape too, but this is a toughy for me.
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
March 20
I had been meaning to write this earlier in the week, but didn't get to it. I think I realized that there was a reason for that, and that's why I need to be writing now. Over a week since the last time I checked in. Since then, I've binged and purged at least ten times, with 6 sessions occuring over the span of four days. I'm not too pleased about this. I was struggling with the small part of me that still wants to do it. I knew I could call someone, but something in me kept saying "Just one more time, that's it" then one more time turns into 10 more. And of course, the accompanying behaviours - lying, isolating. Just for one last time. There were some emotional issues and hormones playing a role in those cravings, and I just gave in to everyone of them.
I had a session with my therapist on Monday, and we talked about my behaviours, and upcoming family therapy meetings she wants to have. I'm not too sure about these; I know it will make me emotional, and I'm still not used to 'feeling' my feelings. So I would like to be a little more stable in my eating before we get into that.
I went to a few meetings this week; the ones today were particular pertinent for me. In OA, the topics were the third step, the third tradition, and the theme for the month. The Third Tradition states: The only requirement to be in OA is the desire to stop eating compulsively. Check. Step 3 speaks of the "decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God..." and faith was the theme. This has been a tricky one for me, because I am unsure of what my faith is; I have always identified as an aethiest, although I did have a short stint into alternative spirituality in high school. But this whole God thing is really making it difficult for me to accept this step. But I finally realized that God is how I understand God (the remainder of step 3), so it can be anything I want. I have intuitively known this, and have been told by others who were initially turned off by the spiritual aspect of 12-step programs. So anyway, that's all good now. If I need to choose a goddess, or an angel, or yoga classes to guide my spirituality, then that should be good.
I spoke about control and surrender at both meetings. I have been watching these nutrition documentaries, and they really have inspired me to nourish my body, rather than damage it. For so long now, and even slightly in the last few days, I have always thought that I needed to find the right diet for me. This has rarely been successful. I still haven't got complete control over my body weight and shape, but I want it so bad. If I could find the perfect way of eating for me, then I could lose weight, have a great body, and everything would be okay. I was reminded of Einstein's definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've been on a 'diet' since I was 12, and have gained and lost so much weight, that it's crazy. I can't do the math at the moment, but I do think I've probably gained and lost over 100 pounds since high school, not including pregnancy. So when is this insanity going to stop? I've tried diet after diet, and they never work. Which was the opening theme for one of the documentaries I watched (if you haven't watched Hungry for Change on Netflix yet, finish reading this and go watch it. Seriously.). Diet's don't work. Temporarily, yes, but not in the long term. Our bodies are naturally meant to seek nourishment from food. So when we restrict our intake, the body takes over with a strong desire to eat food. And particularly food that has sugar and fat. I've known this for awhile, and I think it is fascinating. It totally makes sense that every time I start a new diet, whether it's cutting calories, or whole entire food groups, within about 3 days all I can think about is chocolate and bread and sugar. Because my body thinks there is a famine going on, but the famine ain't coming. So the key to giving that up is to nourish my body with the right nutrients, adding in lots of fresh vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds and legumes, without taking away the cookies, M&Ms or cheezies. Why make such a fuss over this? Label it as "Food I can eat if I want, and don't have to if I don't want to" is certainly a lot easier to deal with than "Don't eat these foods. They will make you fat and they are bad for you. You are a bad person if you eat that food." With the right nutrients in my body, the cravings will fade.
I do have to be careful of this; the orthorexia that has been present for so long is ready to to be the primary eating disorder. I may not have used this term yet, so for those who haven't heard about orthorexia nervosa (ON), it has yet to be granted "diagnosable eating disorder as per the DSM", but is similar to anorexia. The difference though, is in food quality versus food quantity. That desire to eat healthful, organic, naturally-sourced food, limited of pesticides and processing; forgoing animal products, fast food, or commercial products. So what? That sounds like a pretentious-hippie-vegan diet (which, as much as I like to mock those people, I so totally want to be one!). Does this mean that all vegans have eating disorders? Nope. It's one of those fallacies that we learn about in psych class. One of those Venn diagram things with the logical and illogical conclusions: People with eating disorders often adopt vegan lifestyles, but not all vegans have eating disorders. But I digress.
So, the difference between someone with an eating disorder, and a pretentious-hippie-vegan is that someone with ON will avoid social situations, or go without eating if "their food" is not there. Or if they can't order something "appropriate" to the strict guidelines. Which resembles anorexia. Orthorexia is not as commonly acknowledged in the medical or psychological literature, but is starting to garner more notice. It is thought to affect men, fitness industry professionals, athletes, nutrition specialists, and some medical doctors. Wanting to eat healthy is not an inherently bad thing, it's when your life starts to resolve around eating healthy and you avoid people or places because of the food, then it becomes a problem. The test for orthorexia can be found on this website if you are interested in finding out if your relationship with food might be troublesome.
http://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/803218/orthorexia-is-your-healthy-eating-unhealthy
Okay, so what does this have to do with filling my body with nutrients and surrendering control of what I eat? In a perfect world, I would be able to eat what I want, when I want, and never have to worry about weight, but we all know that's not gonna happen. So for a few years now, I have thought that having precise control over what and how much I eat should get me to a place where I will be happy with my body. But I've HAVE YET to get that! I mean, temporarily, in 2010, I liked my body, but that was the summer that all this ridiculousness started! So, instead, I have to have a mindset that I have no control over my body weight and shape, and that if I even begin to start bingeing, purging, restricting, or dieting I am headed for trouble. It seems like such a difficult concept to grasp, because I so desperately want to control every bite, eat only particular foods, and never, ever binge again, and have a perfect body. Well fuck. So, surrender that control over food. Make a conscious effort to stick to my meal plan, talk to my sponsor, and limit triggers as much as possible until they are no longer triggers.
In addition to this, I think I will aim to attend a noon-hour yoga class as many days as I can, to meditate and contemplate about sobriety. I got my karma position back at my studio, so can have unlimited free yoga for volunteering for 2 hours a week.
But, back to tonight's meeting. I spoke about the time I spent with Luc yesterday, and how I am completely give up bulimia, give up control, and get better. Luc and I spent time together yesterday after school, so we went over to my house to hang out. We still have no cable or internet, but Luc was content playing Minecraft on the iPad. While we were there, I decided we should eat up the treats that were still leftover from Saturday's b/p. Luc was happy to eat some cheezies, and half of a cookie, while I ate cheezies, Mini eggs, and two cookies. With lots of diet ginger ale to wash it down. I figured that Luc would be busy with his game, so I could sneak off to the bathroom when I was done. He asked me to play with some Lego, which we did for a little while, and then he wanted to show me a game. I told him I would be right back. While I was in there purging, I noticed some red splotches in there. I'm hoping that they were just from the red M&Ms I had eaten, but the hypochondriac in me suddenly tasted blood. Oh shit. Never had that happen before. So I cleaned up and went to play with Luc. I spoke at the meeting about how he needs me to model healthy eating and nutrition; that bingeing on junk food all the time and then going to McDonald's is not right! As I drove him back to his dad's, he kept asking about when he would be able to come live with me again. I told him maybe the summer, but that we would really have to work on bedtime and breakfast. He argued initially, and I know there is a lot of work to be done in our relationship, but I'm done with letting him down. Not being there, being sick, being absent. I'm done. My son needs a mom, not an eating disorder. So I'm ready.
On the way home, I was very emotional reflecting on this. I used to ask what would it take for Amy to hit rock bottom, and sober up, and I realized that I had hit my lowest. Every time I've binged and purged, I've said it was the last time, but this time I mean it. I'm ready to sober up. I listened to my inspirational songs, and cried, and told Amy to help me out because I'm ready to this now, and I need guidance. So, I've got a few last words for E.D.: "You'd think I'd despise you after all that you put me through, but in the end I want to thank you, for making me that much stronger...Made me that much wiser, made me work a little bit harder, made me that much smarter...made me think a bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter" (Christina Aguilera, 2002).
I had a session with my therapist on Monday, and we talked about my behaviours, and upcoming family therapy meetings she wants to have. I'm not too sure about these; I know it will make me emotional, and I'm still not used to 'feeling' my feelings. So I would like to be a little more stable in my eating before we get into that.
I went to a few meetings this week; the ones today were particular pertinent for me. In OA, the topics were the third step, the third tradition, and the theme for the month. The Third Tradition states: The only requirement to be in OA is the desire to stop eating compulsively. Check. Step 3 speaks of the "decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God..." and faith was the theme. This has been a tricky one for me, because I am unsure of what my faith is; I have always identified as an aethiest, although I did have a short stint into alternative spirituality in high school. But this whole God thing is really making it difficult for me to accept this step. But I finally realized that God is how I understand God (the remainder of step 3), so it can be anything I want. I have intuitively known this, and have been told by others who were initially turned off by the spiritual aspect of 12-step programs. So anyway, that's all good now. If I need to choose a goddess, or an angel, or yoga classes to guide my spirituality, then that should be good.
I spoke about control and surrender at both meetings. I have been watching these nutrition documentaries, and they really have inspired me to nourish my body, rather than damage it. For so long now, and even slightly in the last few days, I have always thought that I needed to find the right diet for me. This has rarely been successful. I still haven't got complete control over my body weight and shape, but I want it so bad. If I could find the perfect way of eating for me, then I could lose weight, have a great body, and everything would be okay. I was reminded of Einstein's definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've been on a 'diet' since I was 12, and have gained and lost so much weight, that it's crazy. I can't do the math at the moment, but I do think I've probably gained and lost over 100 pounds since high school, not including pregnancy. So when is this insanity going to stop? I've tried diet after diet, and they never work. Which was the opening theme for one of the documentaries I watched (if you haven't watched Hungry for Change on Netflix yet, finish reading this and go watch it. Seriously.). Diet's don't work. Temporarily, yes, but not in the long term. Our bodies are naturally meant to seek nourishment from food. So when we restrict our intake, the body takes over with a strong desire to eat food. And particularly food that has sugar and fat. I've known this for awhile, and I think it is fascinating. It totally makes sense that every time I start a new diet, whether it's cutting calories, or whole entire food groups, within about 3 days all I can think about is chocolate and bread and sugar. Because my body thinks there is a famine going on, but the famine ain't coming. So the key to giving that up is to nourish my body with the right nutrients, adding in lots of fresh vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds and legumes, without taking away the cookies, M&Ms or cheezies. Why make such a fuss over this? Label it as "Food I can eat if I want, and don't have to if I don't want to" is certainly a lot easier to deal with than "Don't eat these foods. They will make you fat and they are bad for you. You are a bad person if you eat that food." With the right nutrients in my body, the cravings will fade.
I do have to be careful of this; the orthorexia that has been present for so long is ready to to be the primary eating disorder. I may not have used this term yet, so for those who haven't heard about orthorexia nervosa (ON), it has yet to be granted "diagnosable eating disorder as per the DSM", but is similar to anorexia. The difference though, is in food quality versus food quantity. That desire to eat healthful, organic, naturally-sourced food, limited of pesticides and processing; forgoing animal products, fast food, or commercial products. So what? That sounds like a pretentious-hippie-vegan diet (which, as much as I like to mock those people, I so totally want to be one!). Does this mean that all vegans have eating disorders? Nope. It's one of those fallacies that we learn about in psych class. One of those Venn diagram things with the logical and illogical conclusions: People with eating disorders often adopt vegan lifestyles, but not all vegans have eating disorders. But I digress.
So, the difference between someone with an eating disorder, and a pretentious-hippie-vegan is that someone with ON will avoid social situations, or go without eating if "their food" is not there. Or if they can't order something "appropriate" to the strict guidelines. Which resembles anorexia. Orthorexia is not as commonly acknowledged in the medical or psychological literature, but is starting to garner more notice. It is thought to affect men, fitness industry professionals, athletes, nutrition specialists, and some medical doctors. Wanting to eat healthy is not an inherently bad thing, it's when your life starts to resolve around eating healthy and you avoid people or places because of the food, then it becomes a problem. The test for orthorexia can be found on this website if you are interested in finding out if your relationship with food might be troublesome.
http://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/803218/orthorexia-is-your-healthy-eating-unhealthy
Okay, so what does this have to do with filling my body with nutrients and surrendering control of what I eat? In a perfect world, I would be able to eat what I want, when I want, and never have to worry about weight, but we all know that's not gonna happen. So for a few years now, I have thought that having precise control over what and how much I eat should get me to a place where I will be happy with my body. But I've HAVE YET to get that! I mean, temporarily, in 2010, I liked my body, but that was the summer that all this ridiculousness started! So, instead, I have to have a mindset that I have no control over my body weight and shape, and that if I even begin to start bingeing, purging, restricting, or dieting I am headed for trouble. It seems like such a difficult concept to grasp, because I so desperately want to control every bite, eat only particular foods, and never, ever binge again, and have a perfect body. Well fuck. So, surrender that control over food. Make a conscious effort to stick to my meal plan, talk to my sponsor, and limit triggers as much as possible until they are no longer triggers.
In addition to this, I think I will aim to attend a noon-hour yoga class as many days as I can, to meditate and contemplate about sobriety. I got my karma position back at my studio, so can have unlimited free yoga for volunteering for 2 hours a week.
But, back to tonight's meeting. I spoke about the time I spent with Luc yesterday, and how I am completely give up bulimia, give up control, and get better. Luc and I spent time together yesterday after school, so we went over to my house to hang out. We still have no cable or internet, but Luc was content playing Minecraft on the iPad. While we were there, I decided we should eat up the treats that were still leftover from Saturday's b/p. Luc was happy to eat some cheezies, and half of a cookie, while I ate cheezies, Mini eggs, and two cookies. With lots of diet ginger ale to wash it down. I figured that Luc would be busy with his game, so I could sneak off to the bathroom when I was done. He asked me to play with some Lego, which we did for a little while, and then he wanted to show me a game. I told him I would be right back. While I was in there purging, I noticed some red splotches in there. I'm hoping that they were just from the red M&Ms I had eaten, but the hypochondriac in me suddenly tasted blood. Oh shit. Never had that happen before. So I cleaned up and went to play with Luc. I spoke at the meeting about how he needs me to model healthy eating and nutrition; that bingeing on junk food all the time and then going to McDonald's is not right! As I drove him back to his dad's, he kept asking about when he would be able to come live with me again. I told him maybe the summer, but that we would really have to work on bedtime and breakfast. He argued initially, and I know there is a lot of work to be done in our relationship, but I'm done with letting him down. Not being there, being sick, being absent. I'm done. My son needs a mom, not an eating disorder. So I'm ready.
On the way home, I was very emotional reflecting on this. I used to ask what would it take for Amy to hit rock bottom, and sober up, and I realized that I had hit my lowest. Every time I've binged and purged, I've said it was the last time, but this time I mean it. I'm ready to sober up. I listened to my inspirational songs, and cried, and told Amy to help me out because I'm ready to this now, and I need guidance. So, I've got a few last words for E.D.: "You'd think I'd despise you after all that you put me through, but in the end I want to thank you, for making me that much stronger...Made me that much wiser, made me work a little bit harder, made me that much smarter...made me think a bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter" (Christina Aguilera, 2002).
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
March 11, 2012
I suppose maybe I should check in more often than once a week; the last ten days have gone by really fast since treatment ended. No job yet, but hair appointments here and there, and I have sent out some resumes and applications. The week went fairly well, with the exception of a few slip-ups, which will be the focus of this post.
After Monday night's meeting last week, my sponsor suggested that I try to get to as many meetings as I could, even AA. I thought since it seems to work for other people, then I would check it out. So, on Tuesday, I went down to the New Beginnings meeting, and introduced myself. When I shared my story (the gist of the one from the previous post), I said that I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but that I have an eating disorder that I am doing a 12-step program similar to AA. Most of the people were welcoming, although one man said "This meeting is for alcoholics" in his spiel after I had shared. I didn't think much of it, but some of the other members told me "Don't worry about that guy; anyone is welcome here if you have an addiction that you are trying to get sober from". One woman spoke with me for an hour and a half after the meeting about how I might be an alcoholic, and that maybe I should come to all these women's meetings, and how she could sponsor me. I really don't think I have a problem with drinking, and I'm not really interested in trying to stop right now. Let's get this eating thing under control, and then we can take a look at other addictions. So needless to say, I didn't go back to AA.
I did go to Over-eaters Anonymous, I think that will be beneficial to me, along with ABA. OA members (I don't know if this breaks the anonymity code) seem to be older, but with a history of eating disorders, who now struggle with binge eating. Which is exactly where I don't want to be anymore. So I think it will be really helpful to continue going to these meetings, the few times I have gone, I have really been able to relate to what the other women are saying.
Thursday started out okay, but turned worse as the day went on. I was taking a friend to an appointment that day, and had fallen asleep after breakfast so was late in getting there. We had a nice lunch, and then I took her to the appointment. I decided to go to Starbucks for a coffee while I was waiting. As soon as I got into the shop, all those baked goodies sparked that rush inside of me, about how badly I wanted to eat something, but also how much I didn't want to eat them, because I was still full from lunch. I practiced my deep breathing, and was able to just order a latte, which was satisfying enough. After taking my friend home, I decided to go home for a bit and hang out with Sylvester. The binge urge was very present, but I thought I could fight it. Not so much. Cheezies, M&Ms, pop - what a waste of money literally down the toilet. Feeling frustrated, I left and went back to Tony's, and had some leftover turkey and spaghetti squash for dinner.
Friday was good, I stayed in most of the day, then had a hair appointment, then hung out with Tony. I was able to eat well, sticking to my meal plan, and had gone to a spin class at the gym that morning.
Saturday was alright, Tony had some stuff to do in the morning, so I stayed at his house and worked out. We hung out for a bit in the afternoon, and he asked me what I was doing that night. I really hadn't made plans, but he was having a friend over to watch some music video DVDs. He didn't say that he didn't want me there, but I sort of got that I might feel like a third wheel there, so I told him I would just go to my house. I was pretty nervous about this; as soon as I thought about being home alone, all I could think about was bingeing. I had a couple of offers from people to do things, but politely declined, thinking that this would be a good test of being "with" myself, when I am by myself. I did message my sponsor, because I wasn't so sure I would be safe at home, but she was away on work. So, I thought maybe I would go to a movie, since I have tons of Scene points, and the ticket would be free. With no cable or internet at my house, I knew I would be there, just me and my movies, and E.D. would be right there with me, just like old times. When I got to the movie, I figured I would just have a small popcorn and drink, but then I saw the advertisement for the M&Ms contest - by using your Scene card, you could be entered to win a new car (which I could use soon!) or a one-year supply of M&Ms. OMG, that would be heaven! Or hell? That shit is like my kryptonite - I swear I am more addicted to M&Ms than I was addicted to cigarettes!
So with my large pop, large popcorn, and bag of M&Ms, I wandered into the theatre to find a seat. I've never been to a movie on my own before, so I felt kind of silly, since the theatre was fairly busy. Oh well, I was not focusing on the people in the audience, I was too busy chewing and sipping methodically to mix everything up so I could purge it all out as soon as I got home.
Which of course made me feel like shit for the rest of the night, and all through Sunday. Which made me reflect a lot about the ABA preamble, and Step 1. ABA is available to anyone with a desire to stop insane eating practices (bingeing, purging, restricting, etc.) and the basis of the group is to surrender control of food, exercise, body weight, shape, and size. Step 1 states: We admitted we were powerless over our insane eating practices - that our lives had become unmanageable. Check yes on that one! If there is one thing I learned over the last week, is that I am completely powerless against this disease. Even after 8 weeks of treatment, the urge to binge and purge is still there, and is still strong, and this will be a struggle for the rest of my life.
I found assurance in that at least where some would believe that I have struggled because I didn't try hard enough, or didn't want to be healthy bad enough, that that's why I've had four relapses in two weeks. But I know that there is more to it than that; I admit that I have no power over this, and for that I am feeling more ready to go ahead with the 12 steps.
After Monday night's meeting last week, my sponsor suggested that I try to get to as many meetings as I could, even AA. I thought since it seems to work for other people, then I would check it out. So, on Tuesday, I went down to the New Beginnings meeting, and introduced myself. When I shared my story (the gist of the one from the previous post), I said that I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but that I have an eating disorder that I am doing a 12-step program similar to AA. Most of the people were welcoming, although one man said "This meeting is for alcoholics" in his spiel after I had shared. I didn't think much of it, but some of the other members told me "Don't worry about that guy; anyone is welcome here if you have an addiction that you are trying to get sober from". One woman spoke with me for an hour and a half after the meeting about how I might be an alcoholic, and that maybe I should come to all these women's meetings, and how she could sponsor me. I really don't think I have a problem with drinking, and I'm not really interested in trying to stop right now. Let's get this eating thing under control, and then we can take a look at other addictions. So needless to say, I didn't go back to AA.
I did go to Over-eaters Anonymous, I think that will be beneficial to me, along with ABA. OA members (I don't know if this breaks the anonymity code) seem to be older, but with a history of eating disorders, who now struggle with binge eating. Which is exactly where I don't want to be anymore. So I think it will be really helpful to continue going to these meetings, the few times I have gone, I have really been able to relate to what the other women are saying.
Thursday started out okay, but turned worse as the day went on. I was taking a friend to an appointment that day, and had fallen asleep after breakfast so was late in getting there. We had a nice lunch, and then I took her to the appointment. I decided to go to Starbucks for a coffee while I was waiting. As soon as I got into the shop, all those baked goodies sparked that rush inside of me, about how badly I wanted to eat something, but also how much I didn't want to eat them, because I was still full from lunch. I practiced my deep breathing, and was able to just order a latte, which was satisfying enough. After taking my friend home, I decided to go home for a bit and hang out with Sylvester. The binge urge was very present, but I thought I could fight it. Not so much. Cheezies, M&Ms, pop - what a waste of money literally down the toilet. Feeling frustrated, I left and went back to Tony's, and had some leftover turkey and spaghetti squash for dinner.
Friday was good, I stayed in most of the day, then had a hair appointment, then hung out with Tony. I was able to eat well, sticking to my meal plan, and had gone to a spin class at the gym that morning.
Saturday was alright, Tony had some stuff to do in the morning, so I stayed at his house and worked out. We hung out for a bit in the afternoon, and he asked me what I was doing that night. I really hadn't made plans, but he was having a friend over to watch some music video DVDs. He didn't say that he didn't want me there, but I sort of got that I might feel like a third wheel there, so I told him I would just go to my house. I was pretty nervous about this; as soon as I thought about being home alone, all I could think about was bingeing. I had a couple of offers from people to do things, but politely declined, thinking that this would be a good test of being "with" myself, when I am by myself. I did message my sponsor, because I wasn't so sure I would be safe at home, but she was away on work. So, I thought maybe I would go to a movie, since I have tons of Scene points, and the ticket would be free. With no cable or internet at my house, I knew I would be there, just me and my movies, and E.D. would be right there with me, just like old times. When I got to the movie, I figured I would just have a small popcorn and drink, but then I saw the advertisement for the M&Ms contest - by using your Scene card, you could be entered to win a new car (which I could use soon!) or a one-year supply of M&Ms. OMG, that would be heaven! Or hell? That shit is like my kryptonite - I swear I am more addicted to M&Ms than I was addicted to cigarettes!
So with my large pop, large popcorn, and bag of M&Ms, I wandered into the theatre to find a seat. I've never been to a movie on my own before, so I felt kind of silly, since the theatre was fairly busy. Oh well, I was not focusing on the people in the audience, I was too busy chewing and sipping methodically to mix everything up so I could purge it all out as soon as I got home.
Which of course made me feel like shit for the rest of the night, and all through Sunday. Which made me reflect a lot about the ABA preamble, and Step 1. ABA is available to anyone with a desire to stop insane eating practices (bingeing, purging, restricting, etc.) and the basis of the group is to surrender control of food, exercise, body weight, shape, and size. Step 1 states: We admitted we were powerless over our insane eating practices - that our lives had become unmanageable. Check yes on that one! If there is one thing I learned over the last week, is that I am completely powerless against this disease. Even after 8 weeks of treatment, the urge to binge and purge is still there, and is still strong, and this will be a struggle for the rest of my life.
I found assurance in that at least where some would believe that I have struggled because I didn't try hard enough, or didn't want to be healthy bad enough, that that's why I've had four relapses in two weeks. But I know that there is more to it than that; I admit that I have no power over this, and for that I am feeling more ready to go ahead with the 12 steps.
Monday, 4 March 2013
The Next Steps
So today was my first day alone after treatment ended. The weekend went very well; I enjoyed having Thursday and Friday off to be with Tony, and then had Luc sleep over on Saturday. I haven't slept at my house since treatment started, and I was worried about going there and engaging in behaviours. Luc triggers me sometimes (or I use him to justify giving into binge urges), but I was really feeling like we needed to stay at our house. The night went fairly well, except that our cable and internet got suspended (oops, guess I need to pay the bill!), so Luc was a bit grumpy about not having internet access. But otherwise, the night went well, as did the rest of the weekend.
Back to today. Since I'm done treatment, I now have lots of free time to spend productively, or to spend with E.D. I had some thoughts last night about how I could binge while Tony was gone, and that worried me a bit. Eight weeks of treatment, and just like that I could be right back to where I started. I had a big to-do list to tackle, so I knew that slipping back into old habits would not be productive at all. So, after breakfast, a workout, lunch, and a shower, I got on the computer and started looking for jobs. It took me awhile to re-do my resume, before realizing that I had one saved in my email. Oops. Oh well. Anyway, short story long, I ate all of my snacks and meals, and had no urges to binge at all.
I went to the Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous (ABA) meeting tonight; so glad that I did. I asked one of the members that I had connected with at my first meeting to be my sponsor, and she agreed, even though her schedule was quite busy. She said she wanted to make it as much of a commitment to her as it would be for me to work through the steps. I was reminded on the way back to Tony's of something I shared at a previous meeting.
Back in 2011, just before my 29th birthday, I was experiencing an extremely low mood about the excessive bingeing I had been doing and the subsequent weight gain, and was in desperate need of help. I had gone to a counseling session to register for the Calgary Counseling Centre's Towards Balanced Eating therapy group for binge eating. I explained to the counselor how I was feeling, and mentioned that I was feeling very hopeless and wanted to take some pills with a bottle of wine and hopefully end up in the hospital. I wasn't thinking about suicide, but just a drastic attempt to get help. I needed psychiatric attention soon, and wasn't sure how to get it. After the session, I decided to call Amy, because I wanted to self-medicate with something, and wanted to see if she knew where to get anti-depressants or tranquilizers. She answered her phone (strangely enough, she answered!) and told me to come over to her apartment. I told her about how I had been feeling, and we talked about what a struggle it was to live with an eating disorder. I know how she kept her weight down, and I was almost tempted to ask her for it, but I knew (and she insisted) that even trying crystal meth would be the worst thing she could do for me. I don't need that, I could see how much it had ruined her life. She told me about going to Over-Eaters Anonymous (OA) meetings, and gave me her books from AA and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). I told her I wouldn't use those, because I'm not an alcoholic, and I recovered from drugs successfully on my own. She offered to go to an OA meeting with me sometime, but I didn't take her up on the offer. Anyway, before I get off on too big a tangent, I left Amy's apartment feeling so much better than I was feeling before, and that just talking to her helped so much. I went home, and put the books on my table and forgot about them.
Fast-forward to Sept. 12, 2012, when I attended my first ABA meetings, one of the girls there spoke about an article she had just read in the paper, about a girl who was murdered, and she had an eating disorder and drug problems, and it made this girl realize how glad she was to have found sobriety. As I listened to her speak about her experience with addictions, and was so touched that she had had such a strong emotional reaction to reading that article in the Calgary Herald. I told her after the meeting that the article she spoke of was about Amy. She gave me a hug, and told me how sorry she was for my loss, but that it was great that I was coming to a meeting and looking for help.
The ABA 12-step program is loosely based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, so the Promise that is recited at the end of the meeting is the same one that appears in AA's Big Book. Noticing this after having attended the meetings a few times reminded me of the books Amy gave me just a year before. It was like she was meant to give me those books, and I was meant to go to that meeting. I've claimed to be an aethiest for a long time now, and am really unsure how I feel about the religious aspect of the 12-step programs. I spoke at many meetings about how uncomfortable I was with the whole God thing, and how I don't know that I believe in a higher power. But finally at a meeting in November, I realized that I don't have to believe in any particular religion to know that there is power outside of myself, and that things happen for a reason. I really believe that Amy was meant to give me those books, that I was meant to find that meeting, and that in passing, she stepped aside for me so that I could get the help I needed. I had felt as though I was living in her shadow for so long, and couldn't speak about my problems to my parents (in fear of burdening them with more 'stuff' when they had so much to deal with with Amy). Since her death, I've been able to come out to a lot of people about my eating disorder, and really taken the steps I needed to get into treatment. I have had great conversations and discussions with my parents; it feels bittersweet that in losing my sister, I finally feel able to have the relationship with my parents that I had been longing for.
So I feel like now I am ready to take the next steps on my journey, this time down the spiritual path, by really working on the 12 steps, and embracing sobriety. For ABA, sobriety is defined as the freedom from bingeing and purging, restricting and over-exercise - giving up those desperate measures in an attempt to control weight and shape. This might be difficult for me, but I think it will help.
Back to today. Since I'm done treatment, I now have lots of free time to spend productively, or to spend with E.D. I had some thoughts last night about how I could binge while Tony was gone, and that worried me a bit. Eight weeks of treatment, and just like that I could be right back to where I started. I had a big to-do list to tackle, so I knew that slipping back into old habits would not be productive at all. So, after breakfast, a workout, lunch, and a shower, I got on the computer and started looking for jobs. It took me awhile to re-do my resume, before realizing that I had one saved in my email. Oops. Oh well. Anyway, short story long, I ate all of my snacks and meals, and had no urges to binge at all.
I went to the Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous (ABA) meeting tonight; so glad that I did. I asked one of the members that I had connected with at my first meeting to be my sponsor, and she agreed, even though her schedule was quite busy. She said she wanted to make it as much of a commitment to her as it would be for me to work through the steps. I was reminded on the way back to Tony's of something I shared at a previous meeting.
Back in 2011, just before my 29th birthday, I was experiencing an extremely low mood about the excessive bingeing I had been doing and the subsequent weight gain, and was in desperate need of help. I had gone to a counseling session to register for the Calgary Counseling Centre's Towards Balanced Eating therapy group for binge eating. I explained to the counselor how I was feeling, and mentioned that I was feeling very hopeless and wanted to take some pills with a bottle of wine and hopefully end up in the hospital. I wasn't thinking about suicide, but just a drastic attempt to get help. I needed psychiatric attention soon, and wasn't sure how to get it. After the session, I decided to call Amy, because I wanted to self-medicate with something, and wanted to see if she knew where to get anti-depressants or tranquilizers. She answered her phone (strangely enough, she answered!) and told me to come over to her apartment. I told her about how I had been feeling, and we talked about what a struggle it was to live with an eating disorder. I know how she kept her weight down, and I was almost tempted to ask her for it, but I knew (and she insisted) that even trying crystal meth would be the worst thing she could do for me. I don't need that, I could see how much it had ruined her life. She told me about going to Over-Eaters Anonymous (OA) meetings, and gave me her books from AA and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). I told her I wouldn't use those, because I'm not an alcoholic, and I recovered from drugs successfully on my own. She offered to go to an OA meeting with me sometime, but I didn't take her up on the offer. Anyway, before I get off on too big a tangent, I left Amy's apartment feeling so much better than I was feeling before, and that just talking to her helped so much. I went home, and put the books on my table and forgot about them.
Fast-forward to Sept. 12, 2012, when I attended my first ABA meetings, one of the girls there spoke about an article she had just read in the paper, about a girl who was murdered, and she had an eating disorder and drug problems, and it made this girl realize how glad she was to have found sobriety. As I listened to her speak about her experience with addictions, and was so touched that she had had such a strong emotional reaction to reading that article in the Calgary Herald. I told her after the meeting that the article she spoke of was about Amy. She gave me a hug, and told me how sorry she was for my loss, but that it was great that I was coming to a meeting and looking for help.
The ABA 12-step program is loosely based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, so the Promise that is recited at the end of the meeting is the same one that appears in AA's Big Book. Noticing this after having attended the meetings a few times reminded me of the books Amy gave me just a year before. It was like she was meant to give me those books, and I was meant to go to that meeting. I've claimed to be an aethiest for a long time now, and am really unsure how I feel about the religious aspect of the 12-step programs. I spoke at many meetings about how uncomfortable I was with the whole God thing, and how I don't know that I believe in a higher power. But finally at a meeting in November, I realized that I don't have to believe in any particular religion to know that there is power outside of myself, and that things happen for a reason. I really believe that Amy was meant to give me those books, that I was meant to find that meeting, and that in passing, she stepped aside for me so that I could get the help I needed. I had felt as though I was living in her shadow for so long, and couldn't speak about my problems to my parents (in fear of burdening them with more 'stuff' when they had so much to deal with with Amy). Since her death, I've been able to come out to a lot of people about my eating disorder, and really taken the steps I needed to get into treatment. I have had great conversations and discussions with my parents; it feels bittersweet that in losing my sister, I finally feel able to have the relationship with my parents that I had been longing for.
So I feel like now I am ready to take the next steps on my journey, this time down the spiritual path, by really working on the 12 steps, and embracing sobriety. For ABA, sobriety is defined as the freedom from bingeing and purging, restricting and over-exercise - giving up those desperate measures in an attempt to control weight and shape. This might be difficult for me, but I think it will help.
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