New Year's Day- A new day, a new year; time for a new post. I had intended to write yesterday, but didn't, so today will do. I feel as though I am starting the new year off in a slightly grumpy mood. Maybe because I had the flu a couple days ago, and am still getting back to normal. Maybe because I haven't been eating well; maybe because I haven't taken my meds; maybe because this new year's crap is so over-rated. I could write about all the things that I want to do better, all the ways I want to be better - same shit every year. Does it ever get any better? I don't know. As far as 2013 went, it wasn't the worst year ever. Not the best, but not the worst either. I had to withdraw from school to go to treatment; treatment was mildly successful; went back to school; got a couple of jobs that I like; spent more time with Luc in the second half of the year; hit a rocky patch in my relationship; did okay in school (could have been better, but wasn't bad considering I hardly went to any classes); bought a new car; now I'm broke; lost weight, gained weight.
I know I could wish for everything to be better, and honestly, that would be nice. But I do that every year, and I'm still not happy. Or, not happy like I would like to be. So, I think that instead of wishing for other things to make me happy, I need to start finding happiness in what I've already got. I saw a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of "We think we will find peace when everything falls into place; Find peace and everything will fall into place". I'm gonna say maybe it was Buddha or Ghandi who said this, and it is resonating strongly with me right now. I think that instead of waiting for better things to happen, I need be at peace with things the way they are. I suppose it's difficult, considering we live in a world of instant gratification, where we are taught that "life will be better once ______" I find the perfect man, I lose the weight, etc. But, Eastern thinking and mindfulness practice is growing in popularity in the West, so there is much to be learned about being present in each moment. It will be difficult; I tend to escape into fantasy thoughts, or worry thoughts when my mind is free to roam, but with time and practice, mindfulness will come. I am taking a yoga course starting tomorrow called Into the HeArt of Yoga - an immersion course to cover the philosophy, history, and variations of yoga, which I hope will help me learn to be present. Rather than being dissatisfied with what I have, and wanting more, I hope to learn to be satisfied with what I have. Find peace, and everything will fall into place. Of course, I still would like to lose weight, and find the perfect guy, and have more money, but I think for now, just focusing on the moment, and not worrying about the future will bring far more satisfaction than what I have been doing.
Recovery-wise, I had a relapse over Christmas; not really that surprising I guess. Between things with Tony and I, Christmas, Luc being gone, exams, etc. I guess I was under a fair bit of stress. I could have handled it better, I suppose, but a few nights of bingeing turned into a few days of purging, and then I ended up getting sick. So, I would like to leave ED in 2013; there is no need to continue on with these behaviours. Of course, easier said than done, but it's a work in progress.
Happy New Year everyone, all the best to you in 2014!
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