Saturday went well, again it was mostly just Luc and I. Tony was out in the morning, so I worked out and showered, while Luc played on the iPad. I told Luc that there would be boundaries on device time over the weekend, he wasn't too pleased with that. He is so addicted to the iPad and my phone, and I want him to wait until after breakfast to play on the devices. And of course he argued with that.
We went to pick up the car in the afternoon; Luc and I went home afterward to feed Sylvester. The morning had gone well as far as following the meal plan - breakfast, followed by a workout, then a snack, and lunch. When we got home, I started snacking on candy that was on the table. I really need to get that out of the house. We could have stayed longer at home, but I needed to get out of there before I totally raided the cupboards for more candy. I had picked up an organic trail mix bar when we stopped at 7-11 for the post office, so I ate some of that before we stopped at the grocery store. I had to pick up stuff that I had forgotten the day before. Luc asked me for a Lego set while we were there. I am really having difficulty saying no to him. I had let him buy junk food at 7-11, and that was kind of triggering for me. I looked at buying some dark chocolate and mints to have on hand for cravings. They have been so bad lately, that trying to avoid the cravings altogether lead to that nasty binge on Thursday. I couldn't find the right mints, so I bought an 85% dark chocolate bar to eat at night.
We got through the grocery store fairly well, Luc was good about not asking for treats, but I did cave on the Lego set. Why he needs another set, I don't know, but I have so much trouble saying no to him. We went back to Tony's, cooked up some dinner, and then he went to a hockey game. So just Luc and I again. The evening went well though; we built some Lego, had a snack, and then watched tv. Luc was very snack-y as usual; I managed to stick with the apple, dark chocolate and rice cake that I had allowed for a snack. So that was a success.
Sunday morning I wanted to go to the gym, but realized that it was more to weigh myself than to actually do the spin class. Luc was sleeping when I was up and wanting to leave for the gym, so I decided to just do a workout DVD instead. Waking him up to go to the gym just so I could weigh myself (being quite sure that I gained weight this week anyway) would not really be productive. Had my snack, showered, ate lunch, then Luc and I left. I feel like I need to talk to Tony about how things are going; I am feeling insecure about how distant he was over the weekend, but I will talk to him before I talk about him on here.
We went to a friend's house for a bit before going to dinner at my parent's house. I could feel a headache coming on, which I thought was low blood sugar. I had a small snack at my friend's, but then ate quite a few chips at my parents'. I know it is okay to eat some chips on the weekend; it's not the end of the world, but I am feeling guilty about that. Dinner went well, I served myself, and stuck to proper portion sizes, I even ate broccoli and cauliflower with cheese sauce, rather than asking for it just plain. But as soon as I started putting it on my plate, E.D. jumped in with some judgement there. After dinner, my headache was stronger; definitely a migraine starting. I was feeling pretty sad looking at my sister's picture on the mantle; I have been struggling lately with some grief that I need to work on in some individual counseling sessions.
After I dropped Luc off at his dad's, I had to put some gas in my car, and bought some M&Ms. I had been thinking about buying some since dinner; I knew I didn't need them, and really shouldn't be eating them, but is it okay to want some once in awhile? I don't know. It's a slippery slope, and I have to be very careful about getting too close to the edge. Should have just bought the single serving pack, instead of the bag with 3 servings in it. Once I got to Tony's, I decided to have a healthy snack of dark chocolate and blueberries. It would have been fine without the M&Ms first. So I am not sure about how I feel about that. I know it's okay to have a treat once in awhile, but after Thursday's binge, Friday's emotional eating, and the chips before dinner, I feel like it was way too much. I want to be in much better shape for the summer, so this week was not a good start for that.
I'm not really sure what was behind all the over-eating this week; hormones, stress about finishing the program and my car needing so much work, emotions, I don't know. But I am not feeling so confident about going into the last week of program (it's definitely helped, but my problems are far from solved), so I'll just have to take it one day at a time.
Monday, 25 February 2013
Friday
I realized that yesterday I was so caught up in the excessive binge that I didn't even write about how the program went that day. I guess I was just so focused on what I ate that I couldn't even think about the sessions. We had another DBT session with Lana, and learned more about interpersonal effectiveness. We had learned a bit about this the week before, but it was a lot of information in a short amount of time, so not too much of it sunk in. This week, we learned about how we can ask for things from people, or say no, while preserving the relationship and our self-respect. It made me think a lot about how I am constantly asking Tony for things - can he support me, can Luc and I stay at his house, can we do this, can he do that for me; but also saying no to invitations to social events. I do enjoy staying in with Tony, but maybe I am getting too clingy and dependent on him, and should start spending more time with other people. Which brings me to Friday, which was another day off.
The day started out well; I got up at 8, ate breakfast, worked out and showered. Tony came home from work around 12. My car was in the shop today; it needed an oil change, plus a whole bunch of other work that I can't afford. I had to get Tony to drive me around to get Luc, and to go grocery shopping. He seemed to be okay with that, but was noticeably frustrated that evening when Luc kept making a Lego mess all over the table and losing pieces. I had asked Tony if he was okay with us staying with him for the weekend, because I am not quite sure I am ready to have Luc on my own at home yet. He didn't really say yes or no, and I could feel a bit of tension there. He went out for the evening, so it was just Luc and I for the night. I over-ate again, I was frustrated and emotional after talking with my Mum about my car - the car is in pretty bad shape because I haven't been maintaining it properly, and I can't afford a new one. Or to fix the one I have. Plus, my grandpa was in the hospital again for another TIA, so I am worried about him. So I ate white bread with peanut butter and nutella, mixed nuts, and popcorn. Not excessive, but after Thursday's binge, this was unacceptable. No purging, but still. This program is supposed to help me deal with strong emotions without turning to food, and it looks like I turned to food instead of support. So not too sure about how I feel about that.
The day started out well; I got up at 8, ate breakfast, worked out and showered. Tony came home from work around 12. My car was in the shop today; it needed an oil change, plus a whole bunch of other work that I can't afford. I had to get Tony to drive me around to get Luc, and to go grocery shopping. He seemed to be okay with that, but was noticeably frustrated that evening when Luc kept making a Lego mess all over the table and losing pieces. I had asked Tony if he was okay with us staying with him for the weekend, because I am not quite sure I am ready to have Luc on my own at home yet. He didn't really say yes or no, and I could feel a bit of tension there. He went out for the evening, so it was just Luc and I for the night. I over-ate again, I was frustrated and emotional after talking with my Mum about my car - the car is in pretty bad shape because I haven't been maintaining it properly, and I can't afford a new one. Or to fix the one I have. Plus, my grandpa was in the hospital again for another TIA, so I am worried about him. So I ate white bread with peanut butter and nutella, mixed nuts, and popcorn. Not excessive, but after Thursday's binge, this was unacceptable. No purging, but still. This program is supposed to help me deal with strong emotions without turning to food, and it looks like I turned to food instead of support. So not too sure about how I feel about that.
Friday, 22 February 2013
Day 32
Awful, awful, terrible day! I was so hungry when I woke up, I was craving food so badly. I had decided not to work out in the morning, since my hamstrings were still sore from Tuesday's workout. Bad idea. Should have gotten my lazy ass out of bed and just done it. As I was getting ready, I decided to eat some cashews and mixed nuts. I feel really guilty about this; it wasn't a huge binge, but was definitely a binge. It wasn't my food that I was bingeing on, so I feel bad about raiding Tony's cupboard and eating stuff that he bought. I am not sure if he would be upset with me for it, but I still feel gross about it. I tried to purge afterward, but didn't have a lot of time, so wasn't successful. On the way to program, I stopped for coffee, and bought a small bag of M&Ms. Just like in my coke days, I couldn't wait to rip open the bag and get my fix before even leaving the parking lot. It was the same rush I got back then, and every time I've relapsed over the last few years with food. Hate it.
At program, I got to pick my own snack, so I picked trail mix and yogurt. So much for not eating dairy. As I was eating, all I could think about was how I should have picked some cookies to eat. Even though I am sure the staff didn't think I was bingeing, it sure felt like it. I was supposed to bring my lunch today too, but forgot in my binge-haze from the morning. So I had to have a grilled cheese sandwich, along with the rest of the girls. It took me a bit of time to get my milk and veggies ready; by the time I sat down, I thought I only had 15 minutes to eat. So I chowed down as quickly as I could, totally feeling like I was bingeing. The other girls had a lot more food to eat than I did - they had a sandwich, soup, yogurt, fruit, veggies and dessert, so I felt unjustified complaining about eating a sandwich and veggies with hummus. But I still felt like I was bingeing. I was so full after lunch, the relaxation period before body image group was nice. I wanted to fall asleep. We watched Killing Us Softly 3, which is a great film about the media representation of women in advertising.
For afternoon snack, we got to go to the cafeteria. I chose a lemon-raspberry loaf, and cheese; quite an unusual snack for me. Usually, I pick a fruit cup and a granola square, but the dessert the girls had at lunch looked so good, I wanted something like that too.
After snack was over, the urge to binge was so strong. I waited for the girls to leave, then went back to the cafeteria to stock up on brownies, cookies, and diet coke. I had an appointment for a facial at 3:30, so waited until after to eat. I went home, stopped at Mac's on my way for some M&Ms. As soon as I got home, I started eating, and ate until I was finished. Then tried to purge. I guess it's been awhile, so I couldn't really do it. I didn't really try that hard either, but still. I was so full from eating so much, and just felt disgusting for doing it. I went over to Tony's after, and told him what I had done. He didn't get upset with me, which was what I was worried about. I wasn't going to eat dinner that night, but then decided I should eat the left-over shrimp pad thai from last night. It was really spicy, so I ate some yogurt afterward. Felt like a binge again. I guess I can accept the slip-up today, and get back on track tomorrow; I know that it is normal to relapse while in transition, but it is really disappointing, since I had been doing so well up until now with resisting cravings. I don't know if I was legitimately hungry this morning, or if it was because of hormones and "that time of the month" that I just couldn't keep the cravings at bay. I feel really gross about it. I wanted to work out that night, but the dermatologist had said that I shouldn't work out, since the sweat might interfere with the chemical treatment on my skin. So, tomorrow is my chance for redemption. I can eat a proper breakfast, workout, and eat well throughout the day. It is very tempting to tell myself just to not eat on Friday, but I know that is not the best idea. Too much restricting leads to bingeing, and I know that, it's just hard to stay on track with the meal plan after going over my calories so much today.
At program, I got to pick my own snack, so I picked trail mix and yogurt. So much for not eating dairy. As I was eating, all I could think about was how I should have picked some cookies to eat. Even though I am sure the staff didn't think I was bingeing, it sure felt like it. I was supposed to bring my lunch today too, but forgot in my binge-haze from the morning. So I had to have a grilled cheese sandwich, along with the rest of the girls. It took me a bit of time to get my milk and veggies ready; by the time I sat down, I thought I only had 15 minutes to eat. So I chowed down as quickly as I could, totally feeling like I was bingeing. The other girls had a lot more food to eat than I did - they had a sandwich, soup, yogurt, fruit, veggies and dessert, so I felt unjustified complaining about eating a sandwich and veggies with hummus. But I still felt like I was bingeing. I was so full after lunch, the relaxation period before body image group was nice. I wanted to fall asleep. We watched Killing Us Softly 3, which is a great film about the media representation of women in advertising.
For afternoon snack, we got to go to the cafeteria. I chose a lemon-raspberry loaf, and cheese; quite an unusual snack for me. Usually, I pick a fruit cup and a granola square, but the dessert the girls had at lunch looked so good, I wanted something like that too.
After snack was over, the urge to binge was so strong. I waited for the girls to leave, then went back to the cafeteria to stock up on brownies, cookies, and diet coke. I had an appointment for a facial at 3:30, so waited until after to eat. I went home, stopped at Mac's on my way for some M&Ms. As soon as I got home, I started eating, and ate until I was finished. Then tried to purge. I guess it's been awhile, so I couldn't really do it. I didn't really try that hard either, but still. I was so full from eating so much, and just felt disgusting for doing it. I went over to Tony's after, and told him what I had done. He didn't get upset with me, which was what I was worried about. I wasn't going to eat dinner that night, but then decided I should eat the left-over shrimp pad thai from last night. It was really spicy, so I ate some yogurt afterward. Felt like a binge again. I guess I can accept the slip-up today, and get back on track tomorrow; I know that it is normal to relapse while in transition, but it is really disappointing, since I had been doing so well up until now with resisting cravings. I don't know if I was legitimately hungry this morning, or if it was because of hormones and "that time of the month" that I just couldn't keep the cravings at bay. I feel really gross about it. I wanted to work out that night, but the dermatologist had said that I shouldn't work out, since the sweat might interfere with the chemical treatment on my skin. So, tomorrow is my chance for redemption. I can eat a proper breakfast, workout, and eat well throughout the day. It is very tempting to tell myself just to not eat on Friday, but I know that is not the best idea. Too much restricting leads to bingeing, and I know that, it's just hard to stay on track with the meal plan after going over my calories so much today.
Day 31
Wednesday. I was there for most of the day, I went in for breakfast, and stayed until the afternoon snack. Because it is a short week, we focused on weekend planning in the first group, rather than goal setting. This weekend, I will have Luc, and I need to start trying to spend time at home, which makes me nervous. I asked Tony if he will come over with me, just so we can spend some leisure time there, and he agreed. I explained that I am anxious because of relapse potential, and he was very supportive. I am very grateful that he has been so supportive going through this with me.
The nutrition processing group was interesting; this group is kind of like psychotherapy, but with respect to food. So no topic to focus on, we can bring whatever issue we have to the discussion. One of the new girls brought up her frustration with another group member. Could have been a blow-out, and there was quite a bit of tension in the room. The girls handled it fairly well, he facilitators jumped in whenever the discussion got too heated. It was a great opportunity to discuss trust within the group, and it is hard when there is tension between certain members. So hopefully over the next few weeks, those girls are able to work through the tension. It seems like things with the rest of the group are going well, so that's great.
Snacks and meals went well; I didn't have to bring anything, or make my own snacks, so that took a lot of pressure off. I did track my calories that night though; that was very triggering for me. Of course it was so many calories, I kind of freaked out about it. Tony ate some mixed nuts later that night, and I had a couple handfuls. I know it is okay to have snacks at night, and I think it was in moderation, but I still felt bad about eating. I've been doing so well with not eating at night, that it is hard to be okay with having a snack after dinner.
The nutrition processing group was interesting; this group is kind of like psychotherapy, but with respect to food. So no topic to focus on, we can bring whatever issue we have to the discussion. One of the new girls brought up her frustration with another group member. Could have been a blow-out, and there was quite a bit of tension in the room. The girls handled it fairly well, he facilitators jumped in whenever the discussion got too heated. It was a great opportunity to discuss trust within the group, and it is hard when there is tension between certain members. So hopefully over the next few weeks, those girls are able to work through the tension. It seems like things with the rest of the group are going well, so that's great.
Snacks and meals went well; I didn't have to bring anything, or make my own snacks, so that took a lot of pressure off. I did track my calories that night though; that was very triggering for me. Of course it was so many calories, I kind of freaked out about it. Tony ate some mixed nuts later that night, and I had a couple handfuls. I know it is okay to have snacks at night, and I think it was in moderation, but I still felt bad about eating. I've been doing so well with not eating at night, that it is hard to be okay with having a snack after dinner.
Day 30 (Tuesday)
Day one of transition. I only had to go for half a day; so I slept in a bit, worked out, and then headed to my appointment with the OT at 11. We discussed 'returning to life after program'. I feel like I am getting out jail or something. We talked about going back to school and possibly work; I am registered to take Anatomy and Physiology over the spring and summer semesters, but I am not sure if I will have to work part-time as well. I have to be very cautious about not taking on too much; I really need to be careful in my planning and scheduling, making sure that I have time for myself as well as obligations. We talked about the possibility of part-time work, and what sort of jobs would be appropriate for me. Anything with food or clothing is out of the question (too triggering for me), but there's not much I can do with my psych degree at this point. So maybe something in the Kinesiology field would be interesting. Natalie challenged me on my motivation to take KNES in the first place; was it my choice, or was the eating disorder involved in that? I'm not too sure; I guess the personal trainer image probably influenced my decision to want to do this degree in the first place. I am legitimately interested in learning about health, fitness, and nutrition, but I suppose there is a bit of an ulterior motive there. It's kind of a requirement that trainers or fitness professionals look and eat a certain way; who would trust a fat personal trainer with an eating disorder? I know I wouldn't. But I don't think that it was the eating disorder that decided I should do this degree just so I can justify looking a certain way. It's more than just the look; I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, and I was interested in being a fitness instructor or working at a gym long before the eating disorder kicked in. So I think I will have to reflect on my intentions before I start looking at jobs, and seriously consider what would be a healthy choice for me.
I got to bring my lunch today, I packed some left-over chicken, rice and veggies from the weekend. I had to stay for the psychotherapy group; we talked about hard family situations, and how we feel the urge to help, even if we may not have much control. A couple of the girls have had some difficult experiences with family members where they wanted to help, but weren't really able to. Rings a bell for me; very similar to how I tried to help with Amy, even though a lot of it was out of my control. I suppose I should have let Mum and Dad deal with everything with her; it wasn't really my place to try to save her all the time, or rush over to the police station or offer to be involved with the media interviews. Didn't really do much good anyway, but I guess those failed attempts at control contributed to why my eating disorder got worse after she died. My responsibility lies with Luc and his upbringing, not with my sister, so I really need to get healthy so that I can be there for Luc when he needs me. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not being there for him over the last couple years.
I got to bring my lunch today, I packed some left-over chicken, rice and veggies from the weekend. I had to stay for the psychotherapy group; we talked about hard family situations, and how we feel the urge to help, even if we may not have much control. A couple of the girls have had some difficult experiences with family members where they wanted to help, but weren't really able to. Rings a bell for me; very similar to how I tried to help with Amy, even though a lot of it was out of my control. I suppose I should have let Mum and Dad deal with everything with her; it wasn't really my place to try to save her all the time, or rush over to the police station or offer to be involved with the media interviews. Didn't really do much good anyway, but I guess those failed attempts at control contributed to why my eating disorder got worse after she died. My responsibility lies with Luc and his upbringing, not with my sister, so I really need to get healthy so that I can be there for Luc when he needs me. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not being there for him over the last couple years.
The long weekend
Once again, I am behind on posting here. The weekend went pretty well; I went to my grandparents' house on Saturday to talk to them about car repairs. Spent the evening with Tony; he made some parmesan-crusted chicken. It was good, but the cheese and mayo in the crust made me nervous, so I scraped most of it off. On Sunday, I went to the gym, then we just hung out at Tony's. I had purposely not made plans, so I ended up just watching movies in the afternoon while Tony took a nap. It was a good afternoon. I had lunch, and a snack, and wasn't triggered to binge while I was alone. Monday was pretty similar; gym in the morning, lunch, then relaxing. I wasn't feeling well in the afternoon, so just laid on the couch watching movies. I got to pick up Luc for dinner, again we went to McDonald's. I still wasn't feeling well, so I just ate a few fries and had some green tea. We went to a friend's house after dinner to do some haircuts and have a visit, then I took Luc back to his dad's.
Not too many struggles over the weekend, just lots and lots of cravings. I just want to eat so much! I have been following my meal plan as much as I can, eating regular meals and snacks, so I'm not really sure why the cravings are so strong right now. But, I got through the weekend without any behaviours, so that was a success.
Not too many struggles over the weekend, just lots and lots of cravings. I just want to eat so much! I have been following my meal plan as much as I can, eating regular meals and snacks, so I'm not really sure why the cravings are so strong right now. But, I got through the weekend without any behaviours, so that was a success.
Saturday, 16 February 2013
Day 29
Oh Friday, here you are again. It feels like the week went by really quickly, which is great. Plus, this was my last full week of being at the program. I can't believe I only have 8 days left! We get Monday and Friday of next week off, so that is awesome.
In weekend planning, I told the group about how I was actively trying to keep the weekend unplanned, to allow for some flexibility and leisure time. As much as this kind of stresses me out, it is nice to actually have a free weekend for once. Luc was supposed to be with me this weekend, but his dad asked to take him to Edmonton for a family gathering. Since we didn't have any actual plans, I didn't mind, but I would like to start trying to spend some time alone with Luc in our house, and eventually build up to having 'unsupervised' sleep-overs. The few times that he has slept over at Tony's went well; the time we slept at Mum and Dad's, I over-ate that night. Not quite sure if it was a binge, but I don't want to be bringing snacks to bed at home anymore, and that will be a hard habit to break with Luc around. I was challenged by the staff to start spending leisure time at home, alone, since I am so afraid to be there. I just feel like I created such a toxic space there, that I associate being there with bingeing and purging. It's been 6 weeks without any behaviours like it used to be, but I feel like going back there might just take me back to where I don't want to be. Like any addiction, when you stop for awhile and then go back, you pick up where you left off, and it only gets worse from there. I'm particularly nervous because the urge to binge has been so strong lately. TMI, I know, but I think it is getting to be that time of the month, so maybe that's why I am having such strong urges and cravings, but it's been really hard not to give in.
Over the break, I met with the rec therapist, to talk a bit more about leisure time and how to plan for success over the weekend. She said that she has noticed a lot of changes in me since the start, and I have to agree with her. She mentioned that I have let my guard down quite a bit, and that is true. I think as long as I follow the general structure of the program, and put boundaries on my workout time (i.e. 3-4 days a week, for about 45 minutes) then I should be just fine. I am aware that with summer coming, I always have a weight loss goal to achieve, so I think I will have to just try to chill out on that this time around. Different, for sure, but probably good for me.
After lunch, we had the transition group, where we talked about environments and how they can affect us. Almost an extension from what I spoke about in the morning. I have spent small amounts of time at my apartment, but I feel like I need to redecorate or feng shui it or something, to get all the negative associations out before I can go back there. It is too soon to be moving in with Tony, so eventually I do have to go back there. Since that is an environment I have control of, I can decide whether or not it will be a positive or negative place to be. I think over the next couple months I will spend an hour a day there, cleaning up and maybe redecorating so that I can start going home again. It's been wonderful staying with Tony for the last few weeks, but again, maybe too soon to move in.
In Celebrating Successes, my challenge that turned into a success was definitely the shop/cook experience. Going grocery shopping, cooking and eating the pasta, eating the cake - it was all very overwhelming, but I got through it. I was really worried that eating the cake on Thursday would turn into a binge (sure felt like I was bingeing while I was eating it), but so far it seems to be okay. I have had really strong urges, but so far have been successful in fighting them off.
I took Luc to McDonald's for dinner, had my salad and snack wrap, so that was good. No burgers or fries for this girl! And coffee instead of diet coke. Water might have been better, but the coffee was okay. After that, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few snacks for the weekend. Not so sure that this was a good idea. I have been buying a lot of trail mix and nuts for Tony to eat, which makes me feel like an enabler. I know that his intention behind eating it is not the same as mine, but watching him go through it makes me want to eat it. And I did. On the drive over to his place, I had a couple handfuls of the trail mix, and then a little bit more at his house. Decided to have a healthy snack of celery and babybel cheese, but then got into more trail mix. We had been invited to a friend's house for drinks, but I wasn't sure I was feelin it. Tony suggested that he could just go there quickly, and right away, the E.D. voice was so loud "Yes, now we can eat!!". He asked me if I would be okay while he was gone, that I wouldn't "be stupid", and that really put things into perspective for me. I don't want to be secretly bingeing and purging behind his back, or behind anyone's back. I want to be okay to be alone for a couple hours without falling back into behaviours. So, I poured a glass of wine, painted my nails, and was okay. I did have a couple more handfuls of the trail mix, but I think that's okay. I decided to see how many calories I had eaten over the day (dumb idea, I know), and that was totally triggering. I didn't do anything about it, but was freakin out about how much I had eaten, not to mention the wine or trail mix I had all night! I am quite sure I have gained weight this week, I haven't worked out at all since last Sunday. So definitely something to do this weekend. I am going to focus on eating gluten- and lactose-free as much as possible; I really need to figure out WTF is making me break out constantly. So, weekend, let's be friends, and get along instead of working against each other!
In weekend planning, I told the group about how I was actively trying to keep the weekend unplanned, to allow for some flexibility and leisure time. As much as this kind of stresses me out, it is nice to actually have a free weekend for once. Luc was supposed to be with me this weekend, but his dad asked to take him to Edmonton for a family gathering. Since we didn't have any actual plans, I didn't mind, but I would like to start trying to spend some time alone with Luc in our house, and eventually build up to having 'unsupervised' sleep-overs. The few times that he has slept over at Tony's went well; the time we slept at Mum and Dad's, I over-ate that night. Not quite sure if it was a binge, but I don't want to be bringing snacks to bed at home anymore, and that will be a hard habit to break with Luc around. I was challenged by the staff to start spending leisure time at home, alone, since I am so afraid to be there. I just feel like I created such a toxic space there, that I associate being there with bingeing and purging. It's been 6 weeks without any behaviours like it used to be, but I feel like going back there might just take me back to where I don't want to be. Like any addiction, when you stop for awhile and then go back, you pick up where you left off, and it only gets worse from there. I'm particularly nervous because the urge to binge has been so strong lately. TMI, I know, but I think it is getting to be that time of the month, so maybe that's why I am having such strong urges and cravings, but it's been really hard not to give in.
Over the break, I met with the rec therapist, to talk a bit more about leisure time and how to plan for success over the weekend. She said that she has noticed a lot of changes in me since the start, and I have to agree with her. She mentioned that I have let my guard down quite a bit, and that is true. I think as long as I follow the general structure of the program, and put boundaries on my workout time (i.e. 3-4 days a week, for about 45 minutes) then I should be just fine. I am aware that with summer coming, I always have a weight loss goal to achieve, so I think I will have to just try to chill out on that this time around. Different, for sure, but probably good for me.
After lunch, we had the transition group, where we talked about environments and how they can affect us. Almost an extension from what I spoke about in the morning. I have spent small amounts of time at my apartment, but I feel like I need to redecorate or feng shui it or something, to get all the negative associations out before I can go back there. It is too soon to be moving in with Tony, so eventually I do have to go back there. Since that is an environment I have control of, I can decide whether or not it will be a positive or negative place to be. I think over the next couple months I will spend an hour a day there, cleaning up and maybe redecorating so that I can start going home again. It's been wonderful staying with Tony for the last few weeks, but again, maybe too soon to move in.
In Celebrating Successes, my challenge that turned into a success was definitely the shop/cook experience. Going grocery shopping, cooking and eating the pasta, eating the cake - it was all very overwhelming, but I got through it. I was really worried that eating the cake on Thursday would turn into a binge (sure felt like I was bingeing while I was eating it), but so far it seems to be okay. I have had really strong urges, but so far have been successful in fighting them off.
I took Luc to McDonald's for dinner, had my salad and snack wrap, so that was good. No burgers or fries for this girl! And coffee instead of diet coke. Water might have been better, but the coffee was okay. After that, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few snacks for the weekend. Not so sure that this was a good idea. I have been buying a lot of trail mix and nuts for Tony to eat, which makes me feel like an enabler. I know that his intention behind eating it is not the same as mine, but watching him go through it makes me want to eat it. And I did. On the drive over to his place, I had a couple handfuls of the trail mix, and then a little bit more at his house. Decided to have a healthy snack of celery and babybel cheese, but then got into more trail mix. We had been invited to a friend's house for drinks, but I wasn't sure I was feelin it. Tony suggested that he could just go there quickly, and right away, the E.D. voice was so loud "Yes, now we can eat!!". He asked me if I would be okay while he was gone, that I wouldn't "be stupid", and that really put things into perspective for me. I don't want to be secretly bingeing and purging behind his back, or behind anyone's back. I want to be okay to be alone for a couple hours without falling back into behaviours. So, I poured a glass of wine, painted my nails, and was okay. I did have a couple more handfuls of the trail mix, but I think that's okay. I decided to see how many calories I had eaten over the day (dumb idea, I know), and that was totally triggering. I didn't do anything about it, but was freakin out about how much I had eaten, not to mention the wine or trail mix I had all night! I am quite sure I have gained weight this week, I haven't worked out at all since last Sunday. So definitely something to do this weekend. I am going to focus on eating gluten- and lactose-free as much as possible; I really need to figure out WTF is making me break out constantly. So, weekend, let's be friends, and get along instead of working against each other!
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