Not really sure why, but feeling really sad and depressed this afternoon. I went for the outpatient orientation session at the Richmond Road Diagnostic and Treatment Centre. After that, I just felt so blah. I don't know if I want to go through with these outpatient groups. I know I probably still need them, but I feel like I am done with the eating disorder program. Nothing helps anyway, so why even bother?
I didn't get the job that I had interviewed for yesterday, oh well, whatever. I have another one tomorrow, so maybe that will go better. I found out that my great aunt died yesterday, and I think that triggered a lot of grief for me. I didn't really know her, she was 91 and in a home with bad dementia, but it's still sad. I emailed my grandmother to express my condolences for the loss of her sister. Cried quite a bit after that, I think obviously because it hit close to home.
I've been having slot of thoughts and doubts about the future and what I want to do career-wise. I feel like the wellness centre that I have been thinking about really needs to be a reality, but I don't really know how feasible it is. Plus, I probably need some more professional training to run something like that. But I don't know that I want to be a psychologist anymore, definitely not one that works in a hospital. I'm so sick of hearing about how many people have been let down by the mental health 'care' provided by Alberta Health Services. It's ridiculous. So I've been thinking maybe about going into naturopathic medicine, as it seems to align more with my beliefs and principles than standard medicine. So I'll have to look into that.
Wednesday 27 March 2013
March 27
Since I last checked in, things have been alright. A minor slip on Saturday night; I was on my way back to Tony's and needed to stop for gas. As I was driving up to the gas station, I was thinking about how I wanted some Mini Eggs and hot chocolate. I told myself that I didn't need that; I had a cookie that evening, so I wasn't hungry anymore. But then I thought "well, it's okay to have a treat once in awhile". So I bought the treats, and asked for guidance to get through it. I'm still not sure who I am talking to when I do these prayers and stuff. Anyway, long story short, I ended up pulling over in a parking lot to purge into the coffee cup. Really gave me déjà vu from my coke days. Pulling over late at night to bust a few more lines before getting to my destination, making sure the parking lot is sort of busy so as not to draw attention to myself, but constantly looking around to make sure no one can see what I'm doing. Only this time, instead of illegal drugs, I was hiding my disease from any potential on-lookers. I couldn't help but think about what I would say if someone caught me. Parked outside of a bar, with my head down over the arm rest, probably looking shady to passers-by, throwing up in an empty Tim Horton's cup. What if the cops drove by and suspected that I was doing drugs, and came and knocked on my window? How awful would that be to have to explain that? I wasn't doing anything illegal, just something very sick and kind of sad. Told my sponsor about it, and we talked about how depriving myself completely of these treats makes me want it even more, but I need to be asking for support before and while I'm eating it.
Sunday and Monday went well; I decided on Monday that I was going to be lazy and just stay in. In could have gone home to clean, which is something that I do really need to do, but relaxing at Tony's (much cleaner) house seemed like a better option. Went to the meeting that night, and phoned my sponsor on the way home about the dark chocolate I was going to have for a snack. I had decided that I was going to stop at Community on the way back to Tony's to grab an 80% cacao dark chocolate bar to eat with the trail mix I had bought earlier that day. When I got there, they were closed! Again, I had to put gas in my car, and knew that if I went into the store, that I would be tempted to buy something loaded with sugar and not antioxidants. Fortunately, the Shopper's Drug Mart beside the Petro-Can was open, and I know sometimes they have a small selection of organic stuff there. Phew, crisis averted. Got back to Tony's, had my snack, everything was great.
Last night I was quite a bit more triggered. We ordered dinner from Boston Pizza, and I really wanted to have some garlic bread. I usually don't eat it, but always want it, so this time I thought I would just eat it and enjoy it. Except we only got one order of garlic bread. We both ordered pasta, but maybe my gluten-free pasta doesn't come with garlic bread (which makes sense; if I'm gonna eat gluten-free pasta, then eating white bread seems very contradictory). Anyway, so I decided I would ask Tony if I could have a small bite. Which of course, he said yes. It was delicious. Lots of thoughts were going through my head before I asked him though- "just ask him, it's fine", "no, don't eat it, you still have back fat, it's going to make you fat" "a little bite won't hurt" "it'll make you want more". Holy, what kind of delusional conversation do I have going on here? I had to take a number of deep breaths to get through dinner, which was successful. Was a bit triggered after dinner, trying to plan out when I would have time to work out in addition to the yoga class I am taking tomorrow evening. Washing my face brought about all kinds of criticism about my skin that still isn't clearing up. We laid down to watch The Hobbit, and I fell asleep, so that quieted all those voices in my head.
So, one day at a time is the best I can do. Heading off to OA this morning, then I have the orientation for the Skills group through the outpatient clinic. A haircut in the afternoon, then yoga in the evening. As long as I pack my snacks, and eat regularly throughout the day, I should be alright.
Sunday and Monday went well; I decided on Monday that I was going to be lazy and just stay in. In could have gone home to clean, which is something that I do really need to do, but relaxing at Tony's (much cleaner) house seemed like a better option. Went to the meeting that night, and phoned my sponsor on the way home about the dark chocolate I was going to have for a snack. I had decided that I was going to stop at Community on the way back to Tony's to grab an 80% cacao dark chocolate bar to eat with the trail mix I had bought earlier that day. When I got there, they were closed! Again, I had to put gas in my car, and knew that if I went into the store, that I would be tempted to buy something loaded with sugar and not antioxidants. Fortunately, the Shopper's Drug Mart beside the Petro-Can was open, and I know sometimes they have a small selection of organic stuff there. Phew, crisis averted. Got back to Tony's, had my snack, everything was great.
Last night I was quite a bit more triggered. We ordered dinner from Boston Pizza, and I really wanted to have some garlic bread. I usually don't eat it, but always want it, so this time I thought I would just eat it and enjoy it. Except we only got one order of garlic bread. We both ordered pasta, but maybe my gluten-free pasta doesn't come with garlic bread (which makes sense; if I'm gonna eat gluten-free pasta, then eating white bread seems very contradictory). Anyway, so I decided I would ask Tony if I could have a small bite. Which of course, he said yes. It was delicious. Lots of thoughts were going through my head before I asked him though- "just ask him, it's fine", "no, don't eat it, you still have back fat, it's going to make you fat" "a little bite won't hurt" "it'll make you want more". Holy, what kind of delusional conversation do I have going on here? I had to take a number of deep breaths to get through dinner, which was successful. Was a bit triggered after dinner, trying to plan out when I would have time to work out in addition to the yoga class I am taking tomorrow evening. Washing my face brought about all kinds of criticism about my skin that still isn't clearing up. We laid down to watch The Hobbit, and I fell asleep, so that quieted all those voices in my head.
So, one day at a time is the best I can do. Heading off to OA this morning, then I have the orientation for the Skills group through the outpatient clinic. A haircut in the afternoon, then yoga in the evening. As long as I pack my snacks, and eat regularly throughout the day, I should be alright.
Saturday 23 March 2013
March 23
Only a few days since my last check in, but I think that now is a good time to post. Since Thursday, I have stuck to my meal plan, exercised in moderation, and met with my sponsor to really start working on Step One. She asked me to take a picture of everything I eat and send it to her - mostly for accountability, but also to give myself a moment to stop and really look at what I am about to eat. So far, I have forgotten to do that more often than not, but I'm working on it. Anyway, no cravings or binges, but definitely some triggers.
I can definitely tell that my hormones are acting up again. I feel fat and bloated, and my complexion is awful. I've been going without make-up this week to see if foundation is what is making me break out, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Also, a friend of mine (who I think has a fantastic body) has challenged me to participate in the Spartan Race in August, and to do yoga three times a week to get in shape. Two things I would absolutely love to do. Yoga I think is fine; I feel like the meditation benefits will be greater for me than any weight loss/toning I might experience, and it is well known that mindfulness practice is very beneficial for many mental illnesses, including eating disorders. The Spartan Race is making me a little bit nervous. It's a 5k obstacle race, that requires participants to be in top shape with respect to athletic prowess and endurance. Awesome, sign me up right now. Heavy strength training and conditioning, very specific healthy diet - sounds like heaven to me. Or is that to E.D.? Am I really interested in being an athlete? Sort of. Am I triggered at the thought of training with and competing against my friend who has a great body, but I am in better cardiovascular shape? Absolutely. I know we'd be training 5 - 6 times a week, running, lifting, conditioning the body for strength and endurance while eating specific foods in specific ratios, at specific times. Yep, E.D. is pretty fired up right now. Not too mention that I feel fat and bloated and my complexion is awful. So we'll have to see about this. I'm not so sure that it is a good idea for me, but I know that my friend is excited to do this. I feel like it is the equivalent of an alcoholic being invited on a pub crawl. Or a drinking contest, or something like that. Challenging exercise and competitiveness just fuels the body image issues and food cravings, so I think I should probably decline participating, rather than please my friend by doing this with her. I know she means well and wants to get into shape too, but this is a toughy for me.
I can definitely tell that my hormones are acting up again. I feel fat and bloated, and my complexion is awful. I've been going without make-up this week to see if foundation is what is making me break out, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Also, a friend of mine (who I think has a fantastic body) has challenged me to participate in the Spartan Race in August, and to do yoga three times a week to get in shape. Two things I would absolutely love to do. Yoga I think is fine; I feel like the meditation benefits will be greater for me than any weight loss/toning I might experience, and it is well known that mindfulness practice is very beneficial for many mental illnesses, including eating disorders. The Spartan Race is making me a little bit nervous. It's a 5k obstacle race, that requires participants to be in top shape with respect to athletic prowess and endurance. Awesome, sign me up right now. Heavy strength training and conditioning, very specific healthy diet - sounds like heaven to me. Or is that to E.D.? Am I really interested in being an athlete? Sort of. Am I triggered at the thought of training with and competing against my friend who has a great body, but I am in better cardiovascular shape? Absolutely. I know we'd be training 5 - 6 times a week, running, lifting, conditioning the body for strength and endurance while eating specific foods in specific ratios, at specific times. Yep, E.D. is pretty fired up right now. Not too mention that I feel fat and bloated and my complexion is awful. So we'll have to see about this. I'm not so sure that it is a good idea for me, but I know that my friend is excited to do this. I feel like it is the equivalent of an alcoholic being invited on a pub crawl. Or a drinking contest, or something like that. Challenging exercise and competitiveness just fuels the body image issues and food cravings, so I think I should probably decline participating, rather than please my friend by doing this with her. I know she means well and wants to get into shape too, but this is a toughy for me.
Wednesday 20 March 2013
March 20
I had been meaning to write this earlier in the week, but didn't get to it. I think I realized that there was a reason for that, and that's why I need to be writing now. Over a week since the last time I checked in. Since then, I've binged and purged at least ten times, with 6 sessions occuring over the span of four days. I'm not too pleased about this. I was struggling with the small part of me that still wants to do it. I knew I could call someone, but something in me kept saying "Just one more time, that's it" then one more time turns into 10 more. And of course, the accompanying behaviours - lying, isolating. Just for one last time. There were some emotional issues and hormones playing a role in those cravings, and I just gave in to everyone of them.
I had a session with my therapist on Monday, and we talked about my behaviours, and upcoming family therapy meetings she wants to have. I'm not too sure about these; I know it will make me emotional, and I'm still not used to 'feeling' my feelings. So I would like to be a little more stable in my eating before we get into that.
I went to a few meetings this week; the ones today were particular pertinent for me. In OA, the topics were the third step, the third tradition, and the theme for the month. The Third Tradition states: The only requirement to be in OA is the desire to stop eating compulsively. Check. Step 3 speaks of the "decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God..." and faith was the theme. This has been a tricky one for me, because I am unsure of what my faith is; I have always identified as an aethiest, although I did have a short stint into alternative spirituality in high school. But this whole God thing is really making it difficult for me to accept this step. But I finally realized that God is how I understand God (the remainder of step 3), so it can be anything I want. I have intuitively known this, and have been told by others who were initially turned off by the spiritual aspect of 12-step programs. So anyway, that's all good now. If I need to choose a goddess, or an angel, or yoga classes to guide my spirituality, then that should be good.
I spoke about control and surrender at both meetings. I have been watching these nutrition documentaries, and they really have inspired me to nourish my body, rather than damage it. For so long now, and even slightly in the last few days, I have always thought that I needed to find the right diet for me. This has rarely been successful. I still haven't got complete control over my body weight and shape, but I want it so bad. If I could find the perfect way of eating for me, then I could lose weight, have a great body, and everything would be okay. I was reminded of Einstein's definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've been on a 'diet' since I was 12, and have gained and lost so much weight, that it's crazy. I can't do the math at the moment, but I do think I've probably gained and lost over 100 pounds since high school, not including pregnancy. So when is this insanity going to stop? I've tried diet after diet, and they never work. Which was the opening theme for one of the documentaries I watched (if you haven't watched Hungry for Change on Netflix yet, finish reading this and go watch it. Seriously.). Diet's don't work. Temporarily, yes, but not in the long term. Our bodies are naturally meant to seek nourishment from food. So when we restrict our intake, the body takes over with a strong desire to eat food. And particularly food that has sugar and fat. I've known this for awhile, and I think it is fascinating. It totally makes sense that every time I start a new diet, whether it's cutting calories, or whole entire food groups, within about 3 days all I can think about is chocolate and bread and sugar. Because my body thinks there is a famine going on, but the famine ain't coming. So the key to giving that up is to nourish my body with the right nutrients, adding in lots of fresh vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds and legumes, without taking away the cookies, M&Ms or cheezies. Why make such a fuss over this? Label it as "Food I can eat if I want, and don't have to if I don't want to" is certainly a lot easier to deal with than "Don't eat these foods. They will make you fat and they are bad for you. You are a bad person if you eat that food." With the right nutrients in my body, the cravings will fade.
I do have to be careful of this; the orthorexia that has been present for so long is ready to to be the primary eating disorder. I may not have used this term yet, so for those who haven't heard about orthorexia nervosa (ON), it has yet to be granted "diagnosable eating disorder as per the DSM", but is similar to anorexia. The difference though, is in food quality versus food quantity. That desire to eat healthful, organic, naturally-sourced food, limited of pesticides and processing; forgoing animal products, fast food, or commercial products. So what? That sounds like a pretentious-hippie-vegan diet (which, as much as I like to mock those people, I so totally want to be one!). Does this mean that all vegans have eating disorders? Nope. It's one of those fallacies that we learn about in psych class. One of those Venn diagram things with the logical and illogical conclusions: People with eating disorders often adopt vegan lifestyles, but not all vegans have eating disorders. But I digress.
So, the difference between someone with an eating disorder, and a pretentious-hippie-vegan is that someone with ON will avoid social situations, or go without eating if "their food" is not there. Or if they can't order something "appropriate" to the strict guidelines. Which resembles anorexia. Orthorexia is not as commonly acknowledged in the medical or psychological literature, but is starting to garner more notice. It is thought to affect men, fitness industry professionals, athletes, nutrition specialists, and some medical doctors. Wanting to eat healthy is not an inherently bad thing, it's when your life starts to resolve around eating healthy and you avoid people or places because of the food, then it becomes a problem. The test for orthorexia can be found on this website if you are interested in finding out if your relationship with food might be troublesome.
http://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/803218/orthorexia-is-your-healthy-eating-unhealthy
Okay, so what does this have to do with filling my body with nutrients and surrendering control of what I eat? In a perfect world, I would be able to eat what I want, when I want, and never have to worry about weight, but we all know that's not gonna happen. So for a few years now, I have thought that having precise control over what and how much I eat should get me to a place where I will be happy with my body. But I've HAVE YET to get that! I mean, temporarily, in 2010, I liked my body, but that was the summer that all this ridiculousness started! So, instead, I have to have a mindset that I have no control over my body weight and shape, and that if I even begin to start bingeing, purging, restricting, or dieting I am headed for trouble. It seems like such a difficult concept to grasp, because I so desperately want to control every bite, eat only particular foods, and never, ever binge again, and have a perfect body. Well fuck. So, surrender that control over food. Make a conscious effort to stick to my meal plan, talk to my sponsor, and limit triggers as much as possible until they are no longer triggers.
In addition to this, I think I will aim to attend a noon-hour yoga class as many days as I can, to meditate and contemplate about sobriety. I got my karma position back at my studio, so can have unlimited free yoga for volunteering for 2 hours a week.
But, back to tonight's meeting. I spoke about the time I spent with Luc yesterday, and how I am completely give up bulimia, give up control, and get better. Luc and I spent time together yesterday after school, so we went over to my house to hang out. We still have no cable or internet, but Luc was content playing Minecraft on the iPad. While we were there, I decided we should eat up the treats that were still leftover from Saturday's b/p. Luc was happy to eat some cheezies, and half of a cookie, while I ate cheezies, Mini eggs, and two cookies. With lots of diet ginger ale to wash it down. I figured that Luc would be busy with his game, so I could sneak off to the bathroom when I was done. He asked me to play with some Lego, which we did for a little while, and then he wanted to show me a game. I told him I would be right back. While I was in there purging, I noticed some red splotches in there. I'm hoping that they were just from the red M&Ms I had eaten, but the hypochondriac in me suddenly tasted blood. Oh shit. Never had that happen before. So I cleaned up and went to play with Luc. I spoke at the meeting about how he needs me to model healthy eating and nutrition; that bingeing on junk food all the time and then going to McDonald's is not right! As I drove him back to his dad's, he kept asking about when he would be able to come live with me again. I told him maybe the summer, but that we would really have to work on bedtime and breakfast. He argued initially, and I know there is a lot of work to be done in our relationship, but I'm done with letting him down. Not being there, being sick, being absent. I'm done. My son needs a mom, not an eating disorder. So I'm ready.
On the way home, I was very emotional reflecting on this. I used to ask what would it take for Amy to hit rock bottom, and sober up, and I realized that I had hit my lowest. Every time I've binged and purged, I've said it was the last time, but this time I mean it. I'm ready to sober up. I listened to my inspirational songs, and cried, and told Amy to help me out because I'm ready to this now, and I need guidance. So, I've got a few last words for E.D.: "You'd think I'd despise you after all that you put me through, but in the end I want to thank you, for making me that much stronger...Made me that much wiser, made me work a little bit harder, made me that much smarter...made me think a bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter" (Christina Aguilera, 2002).
I had a session with my therapist on Monday, and we talked about my behaviours, and upcoming family therapy meetings she wants to have. I'm not too sure about these; I know it will make me emotional, and I'm still not used to 'feeling' my feelings. So I would like to be a little more stable in my eating before we get into that.
I went to a few meetings this week; the ones today were particular pertinent for me. In OA, the topics were the third step, the third tradition, and the theme for the month. The Third Tradition states: The only requirement to be in OA is the desire to stop eating compulsively. Check. Step 3 speaks of the "decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God..." and faith was the theme. This has been a tricky one for me, because I am unsure of what my faith is; I have always identified as an aethiest, although I did have a short stint into alternative spirituality in high school. But this whole God thing is really making it difficult for me to accept this step. But I finally realized that God is how I understand God (the remainder of step 3), so it can be anything I want. I have intuitively known this, and have been told by others who were initially turned off by the spiritual aspect of 12-step programs. So anyway, that's all good now. If I need to choose a goddess, or an angel, or yoga classes to guide my spirituality, then that should be good.
I spoke about control and surrender at both meetings. I have been watching these nutrition documentaries, and they really have inspired me to nourish my body, rather than damage it. For so long now, and even slightly in the last few days, I have always thought that I needed to find the right diet for me. This has rarely been successful. I still haven't got complete control over my body weight and shape, but I want it so bad. If I could find the perfect way of eating for me, then I could lose weight, have a great body, and everything would be okay. I was reminded of Einstein's definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've been on a 'diet' since I was 12, and have gained and lost so much weight, that it's crazy. I can't do the math at the moment, but I do think I've probably gained and lost over 100 pounds since high school, not including pregnancy. So when is this insanity going to stop? I've tried diet after diet, and they never work. Which was the opening theme for one of the documentaries I watched (if you haven't watched Hungry for Change on Netflix yet, finish reading this and go watch it. Seriously.). Diet's don't work. Temporarily, yes, but not in the long term. Our bodies are naturally meant to seek nourishment from food. So when we restrict our intake, the body takes over with a strong desire to eat food. And particularly food that has sugar and fat. I've known this for awhile, and I think it is fascinating. It totally makes sense that every time I start a new diet, whether it's cutting calories, or whole entire food groups, within about 3 days all I can think about is chocolate and bread and sugar. Because my body thinks there is a famine going on, but the famine ain't coming. So the key to giving that up is to nourish my body with the right nutrients, adding in lots of fresh vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds and legumes, without taking away the cookies, M&Ms or cheezies. Why make such a fuss over this? Label it as "Food I can eat if I want, and don't have to if I don't want to" is certainly a lot easier to deal with than "Don't eat these foods. They will make you fat and they are bad for you. You are a bad person if you eat that food." With the right nutrients in my body, the cravings will fade.
I do have to be careful of this; the orthorexia that has been present for so long is ready to to be the primary eating disorder. I may not have used this term yet, so for those who haven't heard about orthorexia nervosa (ON), it has yet to be granted "diagnosable eating disorder as per the DSM", but is similar to anorexia. The difference though, is in food quality versus food quantity. That desire to eat healthful, organic, naturally-sourced food, limited of pesticides and processing; forgoing animal products, fast food, or commercial products. So what? That sounds like a pretentious-hippie-vegan diet (which, as much as I like to mock those people, I so totally want to be one!). Does this mean that all vegans have eating disorders? Nope. It's one of those fallacies that we learn about in psych class. One of those Venn diagram things with the logical and illogical conclusions: People with eating disorders often adopt vegan lifestyles, but not all vegans have eating disorders. But I digress.
So, the difference between someone with an eating disorder, and a pretentious-hippie-vegan is that someone with ON will avoid social situations, or go without eating if "their food" is not there. Or if they can't order something "appropriate" to the strict guidelines. Which resembles anorexia. Orthorexia is not as commonly acknowledged in the medical or psychological literature, but is starting to garner more notice. It is thought to affect men, fitness industry professionals, athletes, nutrition specialists, and some medical doctors. Wanting to eat healthy is not an inherently bad thing, it's when your life starts to resolve around eating healthy and you avoid people or places because of the food, then it becomes a problem. The test for orthorexia can be found on this website if you are interested in finding out if your relationship with food might be troublesome.
http://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/803218/orthorexia-is-your-healthy-eating-unhealthy
Okay, so what does this have to do with filling my body with nutrients and surrendering control of what I eat? In a perfect world, I would be able to eat what I want, when I want, and never have to worry about weight, but we all know that's not gonna happen. So for a few years now, I have thought that having precise control over what and how much I eat should get me to a place where I will be happy with my body. But I've HAVE YET to get that! I mean, temporarily, in 2010, I liked my body, but that was the summer that all this ridiculousness started! So, instead, I have to have a mindset that I have no control over my body weight and shape, and that if I even begin to start bingeing, purging, restricting, or dieting I am headed for trouble. It seems like such a difficult concept to grasp, because I so desperately want to control every bite, eat only particular foods, and never, ever binge again, and have a perfect body. Well fuck. So, surrender that control over food. Make a conscious effort to stick to my meal plan, talk to my sponsor, and limit triggers as much as possible until they are no longer triggers.
In addition to this, I think I will aim to attend a noon-hour yoga class as many days as I can, to meditate and contemplate about sobriety. I got my karma position back at my studio, so can have unlimited free yoga for volunteering for 2 hours a week.
But, back to tonight's meeting. I spoke about the time I spent with Luc yesterday, and how I am completely give up bulimia, give up control, and get better. Luc and I spent time together yesterday after school, so we went over to my house to hang out. We still have no cable or internet, but Luc was content playing Minecraft on the iPad. While we were there, I decided we should eat up the treats that were still leftover from Saturday's b/p. Luc was happy to eat some cheezies, and half of a cookie, while I ate cheezies, Mini eggs, and two cookies. With lots of diet ginger ale to wash it down. I figured that Luc would be busy with his game, so I could sneak off to the bathroom when I was done. He asked me to play with some Lego, which we did for a little while, and then he wanted to show me a game. I told him I would be right back. While I was in there purging, I noticed some red splotches in there. I'm hoping that they were just from the red M&Ms I had eaten, but the hypochondriac in me suddenly tasted blood. Oh shit. Never had that happen before. So I cleaned up and went to play with Luc. I spoke at the meeting about how he needs me to model healthy eating and nutrition; that bingeing on junk food all the time and then going to McDonald's is not right! As I drove him back to his dad's, he kept asking about when he would be able to come live with me again. I told him maybe the summer, but that we would really have to work on bedtime and breakfast. He argued initially, and I know there is a lot of work to be done in our relationship, but I'm done with letting him down. Not being there, being sick, being absent. I'm done. My son needs a mom, not an eating disorder. So I'm ready.
On the way home, I was very emotional reflecting on this. I used to ask what would it take for Amy to hit rock bottom, and sober up, and I realized that I had hit my lowest. Every time I've binged and purged, I've said it was the last time, but this time I mean it. I'm ready to sober up. I listened to my inspirational songs, and cried, and told Amy to help me out because I'm ready to this now, and I need guidance. So, I've got a few last words for E.D.: "You'd think I'd despise you after all that you put me through, but in the end I want to thank you, for making me that much stronger...Made me that much wiser, made me work a little bit harder, made me that much smarter...made me think a bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter" (Christina Aguilera, 2002).
Tuesday 12 March 2013
March 11, 2012
I suppose maybe I should check in more often than once a week; the last ten days have gone by really fast since treatment ended. No job yet, but hair appointments here and there, and I have sent out some resumes and applications. The week went fairly well, with the exception of a few slip-ups, which will be the focus of this post.
After Monday night's meeting last week, my sponsor suggested that I try to get to as many meetings as I could, even AA. I thought since it seems to work for other people, then I would check it out. So, on Tuesday, I went down to the New Beginnings meeting, and introduced myself. When I shared my story (the gist of the one from the previous post), I said that I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but that I have an eating disorder that I am doing a 12-step program similar to AA. Most of the people were welcoming, although one man said "This meeting is for alcoholics" in his spiel after I had shared. I didn't think much of it, but some of the other members told me "Don't worry about that guy; anyone is welcome here if you have an addiction that you are trying to get sober from". One woman spoke with me for an hour and a half after the meeting about how I might be an alcoholic, and that maybe I should come to all these women's meetings, and how she could sponsor me. I really don't think I have a problem with drinking, and I'm not really interested in trying to stop right now. Let's get this eating thing under control, and then we can take a look at other addictions. So needless to say, I didn't go back to AA.
I did go to Over-eaters Anonymous, I think that will be beneficial to me, along with ABA. OA members (I don't know if this breaks the anonymity code) seem to be older, but with a history of eating disorders, who now struggle with binge eating. Which is exactly where I don't want to be anymore. So I think it will be really helpful to continue going to these meetings, the few times I have gone, I have really been able to relate to what the other women are saying.
Thursday started out okay, but turned worse as the day went on. I was taking a friend to an appointment that day, and had fallen asleep after breakfast so was late in getting there. We had a nice lunch, and then I took her to the appointment. I decided to go to Starbucks for a coffee while I was waiting. As soon as I got into the shop, all those baked goodies sparked that rush inside of me, about how badly I wanted to eat something, but also how much I didn't want to eat them, because I was still full from lunch. I practiced my deep breathing, and was able to just order a latte, which was satisfying enough. After taking my friend home, I decided to go home for a bit and hang out with Sylvester. The binge urge was very present, but I thought I could fight it. Not so much. Cheezies, M&Ms, pop - what a waste of money literally down the toilet. Feeling frustrated, I left and went back to Tony's, and had some leftover turkey and spaghetti squash for dinner.
Friday was good, I stayed in most of the day, then had a hair appointment, then hung out with Tony. I was able to eat well, sticking to my meal plan, and had gone to a spin class at the gym that morning.
Saturday was alright, Tony had some stuff to do in the morning, so I stayed at his house and worked out. We hung out for a bit in the afternoon, and he asked me what I was doing that night. I really hadn't made plans, but he was having a friend over to watch some music video DVDs. He didn't say that he didn't want me there, but I sort of got that I might feel like a third wheel there, so I told him I would just go to my house. I was pretty nervous about this; as soon as I thought about being home alone, all I could think about was bingeing. I had a couple of offers from people to do things, but politely declined, thinking that this would be a good test of being "with" myself, when I am by myself. I did message my sponsor, because I wasn't so sure I would be safe at home, but she was away on work. So, I thought maybe I would go to a movie, since I have tons of Scene points, and the ticket would be free. With no cable or internet at my house, I knew I would be there, just me and my movies, and E.D. would be right there with me, just like old times. When I got to the movie, I figured I would just have a small popcorn and drink, but then I saw the advertisement for the M&Ms contest - by using your Scene card, you could be entered to win a new car (which I could use soon!) or a one-year supply of M&Ms. OMG, that would be heaven! Or hell? That shit is like my kryptonite - I swear I am more addicted to M&Ms than I was addicted to cigarettes!
So with my large pop, large popcorn, and bag of M&Ms, I wandered into the theatre to find a seat. I've never been to a movie on my own before, so I felt kind of silly, since the theatre was fairly busy. Oh well, I was not focusing on the people in the audience, I was too busy chewing and sipping methodically to mix everything up so I could purge it all out as soon as I got home.
Which of course made me feel like shit for the rest of the night, and all through Sunday. Which made me reflect a lot about the ABA preamble, and Step 1. ABA is available to anyone with a desire to stop insane eating practices (bingeing, purging, restricting, etc.) and the basis of the group is to surrender control of food, exercise, body weight, shape, and size. Step 1 states: We admitted we were powerless over our insane eating practices - that our lives had become unmanageable. Check yes on that one! If there is one thing I learned over the last week, is that I am completely powerless against this disease. Even after 8 weeks of treatment, the urge to binge and purge is still there, and is still strong, and this will be a struggle for the rest of my life.
I found assurance in that at least where some would believe that I have struggled because I didn't try hard enough, or didn't want to be healthy bad enough, that that's why I've had four relapses in two weeks. But I know that there is more to it than that; I admit that I have no power over this, and for that I am feeling more ready to go ahead with the 12 steps.
After Monday night's meeting last week, my sponsor suggested that I try to get to as many meetings as I could, even AA. I thought since it seems to work for other people, then I would check it out. So, on Tuesday, I went down to the New Beginnings meeting, and introduced myself. When I shared my story (the gist of the one from the previous post), I said that I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but that I have an eating disorder that I am doing a 12-step program similar to AA. Most of the people were welcoming, although one man said "This meeting is for alcoholics" in his spiel after I had shared. I didn't think much of it, but some of the other members told me "Don't worry about that guy; anyone is welcome here if you have an addiction that you are trying to get sober from". One woman spoke with me for an hour and a half after the meeting about how I might be an alcoholic, and that maybe I should come to all these women's meetings, and how she could sponsor me. I really don't think I have a problem with drinking, and I'm not really interested in trying to stop right now. Let's get this eating thing under control, and then we can take a look at other addictions. So needless to say, I didn't go back to AA.
I did go to Over-eaters Anonymous, I think that will be beneficial to me, along with ABA. OA members (I don't know if this breaks the anonymity code) seem to be older, but with a history of eating disorders, who now struggle with binge eating. Which is exactly where I don't want to be anymore. So I think it will be really helpful to continue going to these meetings, the few times I have gone, I have really been able to relate to what the other women are saying.
Thursday started out okay, but turned worse as the day went on. I was taking a friend to an appointment that day, and had fallen asleep after breakfast so was late in getting there. We had a nice lunch, and then I took her to the appointment. I decided to go to Starbucks for a coffee while I was waiting. As soon as I got into the shop, all those baked goodies sparked that rush inside of me, about how badly I wanted to eat something, but also how much I didn't want to eat them, because I was still full from lunch. I practiced my deep breathing, and was able to just order a latte, which was satisfying enough. After taking my friend home, I decided to go home for a bit and hang out with Sylvester. The binge urge was very present, but I thought I could fight it. Not so much. Cheezies, M&Ms, pop - what a waste of money literally down the toilet. Feeling frustrated, I left and went back to Tony's, and had some leftover turkey and spaghetti squash for dinner.
Friday was good, I stayed in most of the day, then had a hair appointment, then hung out with Tony. I was able to eat well, sticking to my meal plan, and had gone to a spin class at the gym that morning.
Saturday was alright, Tony had some stuff to do in the morning, so I stayed at his house and worked out. We hung out for a bit in the afternoon, and he asked me what I was doing that night. I really hadn't made plans, but he was having a friend over to watch some music video DVDs. He didn't say that he didn't want me there, but I sort of got that I might feel like a third wheel there, so I told him I would just go to my house. I was pretty nervous about this; as soon as I thought about being home alone, all I could think about was bingeing. I had a couple of offers from people to do things, but politely declined, thinking that this would be a good test of being "with" myself, when I am by myself. I did message my sponsor, because I wasn't so sure I would be safe at home, but she was away on work. So, I thought maybe I would go to a movie, since I have tons of Scene points, and the ticket would be free. With no cable or internet at my house, I knew I would be there, just me and my movies, and E.D. would be right there with me, just like old times. When I got to the movie, I figured I would just have a small popcorn and drink, but then I saw the advertisement for the M&Ms contest - by using your Scene card, you could be entered to win a new car (which I could use soon!) or a one-year supply of M&Ms. OMG, that would be heaven! Or hell? That shit is like my kryptonite - I swear I am more addicted to M&Ms than I was addicted to cigarettes!
So with my large pop, large popcorn, and bag of M&Ms, I wandered into the theatre to find a seat. I've never been to a movie on my own before, so I felt kind of silly, since the theatre was fairly busy. Oh well, I was not focusing on the people in the audience, I was too busy chewing and sipping methodically to mix everything up so I could purge it all out as soon as I got home.
Which of course made me feel like shit for the rest of the night, and all through Sunday. Which made me reflect a lot about the ABA preamble, and Step 1. ABA is available to anyone with a desire to stop insane eating practices (bingeing, purging, restricting, etc.) and the basis of the group is to surrender control of food, exercise, body weight, shape, and size. Step 1 states: We admitted we were powerless over our insane eating practices - that our lives had become unmanageable. Check yes on that one! If there is one thing I learned over the last week, is that I am completely powerless against this disease. Even after 8 weeks of treatment, the urge to binge and purge is still there, and is still strong, and this will be a struggle for the rest of my life.
I found assurance in that at least where some would believe that I have struggled because I didn't try hard enough, or didn't want to be healthy bad enough, that that's why I've had four relapses in two weeks. But I know that there is more to it than that; I admit that I have no power over this, and for that I am feeling more ready to go ahead with the 12 steps.
Monday 4 March 2013
The Next Steps
So today was my first day alone after treatment ended. The weekend went very well; I enjoyed having Thursday and Friday off to be with Tony, and then had Luc sleep over on Saturday. I haven't slept at my house since treatment started, and I was worried about going there and engaging in behaviours. Luc triggers me sometimes (or I use him to justify giving into binge urges), but I was really feeling like we needed to stay at our house. The night went fairly well, except that our cable and internet got suspended (oops, guess I need to pay the bill!), so Luc was a bit grumpy about not having internet access. But otherwise, the night went well, as did the rest of the weekend.
Back to today. Since I'm done treatment, I now have lots of free time to spend productively, or to spend with E.D. I had some thoughts last night about how I could binge while Tony was gone, and that worried me a bit. Eight weeks of treatment, and just like that I could be right back to where I started. I had a big to-do list to tackle, so I knew that slipping back into old habits would not be productive at all. So, after breakfast, a workout, lunch, and a shower, I got on the computer and started looking for jobs. It took me awhile to re-do my resume, before realizing that I had one saved in my email. Oops. Oh well. Anyway, short story long, I ate all of my snacks and meals, and had no urges to binge at all.
I went to the Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous (ABA) meeting tonight; so glad that I did. I asked one of the members that I had connected with at my first meeting to be my sponsor, and she agreed, even though her schedule was quite busy. She said she wanted to make it as much of a commitment to her as it would be for me to work through the steps. I was reminded on the way back to Tony's of something I shared at a previous meeting.
Back in 2011, just before my 29th birthday, I was experiencing an extremely low mood about the excessive bingeing I had been doing and the subsequent weight gain, and was in desperate need of help. I had gone to a counseling session to register for the Calgary Counseling Centre's Towards Balanced Eating therapy group for binge eating. I explained to the counselor how I was feeling, and mentioned that I was feeling very hopeless and wanted to take some pills with a bottle of wine and hopefully end up in the hospital. I wasn't thinking about suicide, but just a drastic attempt to get help. I needed psychiatric attention soon, and wasn't sure how to get it. After the session, I decided to call Amy, because I wanted to self-medicate with something, and wanted to see if she knew where to get anti-depressants or tranquilizers. She answered her phone (strangely enough, she answered!) and told me to come over to her apartment. I told her about how I had been feeling, and we talked about what a struggle it was to live with an eating disorder. I know how she kept her weight down, and I was almost tempted to ask her for it, but I knew (and she insisted) that even trying crystal meth would be the worst thing she could do for me. I don't need that, I could see how much it had ruined her life. She told me about going to Over-Eaters Anonymous (OA) meetings, and gave me her books from AA and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). I told her I wouldn't use those, because I'm not an alcoholic, and I recovered from drugs successfully on my own. She offered to go to an OA meeting with me sometime, but I didn't take her up on the offer. Anyway, before I get off on too big a tangent, I left Amy's apartment feeling so much better than I was feeling before, and that just talking to her helped so much. I went home, and put the books on my table and forgot about them.
Fast-forward to Sept. 12, 2012, when I attended my first ABA meetings, one of the girls there spoke about an article she had just read in the paper, about a girl who was murdered, and she had an eating disorder and drug problems, and it made this girl realize how glad she was to have found sobriety. As I listened to her speak about her experience with addictions, and was so touched that she had had such a strong emotional reaction to reading that article in the Calgary Herald. I told her after the meeting that the article she spoke of was about Amy. She gave me a hug, and told me how sorry she was for my loss, but that it was great that I was coming to a meeting and looking for help.
The ABA 12-step program is loosely based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, so the Promise that is recited at the end of the meeting is the same one that appears in AA's Big Book. Noticing this after having attended the meetings a few times reminded me of the books Amy gave me just a year before. It was like she was meant to give me those books, and I was meant to go to that meeting. I've claimed to be an aethiest for a long time now, and am really unsure how I feel about the religious aspect of the 12-step programs. I spoke at many meetings about how uncomfortable I was with the whole God thing, and how I don't know that I believe in a higher power. But finally at a meeting in November, I realized that I don't have to believe in any particular religion to know that there is power outside of myself, and that things happen for a reason. I really believe that Amy was meant to give me those books, that I was meant to find that meeting, and that in passing, she stepped aside for me so that I could get the help I needed. I had felt as though I was living in her shadow for so long, and couldn't speak about my problems to my parents (in fear of burdening them with more 'stuff' when they had so much to deal with with Amy). Since her death, I've been able to come out to a lot of people about my eating disorder, and really taken the steps I needed to get into treatment. I have had great conversations and discussions with my parents; it feels bittersweet that in losing my sister, I finally feel able to have the relationship with my parents that I had been longing for.
So I feel like now I am ready to take the next steps on my journey, this time down the spiritual path, by really working on the 12 steps, and embracing sobriety. For ABA, sobriety is defined as the freedom from bingeing and purging, restricting and over-exercise - giving up those desperate measures in an attempt to control weight and shape. This might be difficult for me, but I think it will help.
Back to today. Since I'm done treatment, I now have lots of free time to spend productively, or to spend with E.D. I had some thoughts last night about how I could binge while Tony was gone, and that worried me a bit. Eight weeks of treatment, and just like that I could be right back to where I started. I had a big to-do list to tackle, so I knew that slipping back into old habits would not be productive at all. So, after breakfast, a workout, lunch, and a shower, I got on the computer and started looking for jobs. It took me awhile to re-do my resume, before realizing that I had one saved in my email. Oops. Oh well. Anyway, short story long, I ate all of my snacks and meals, and had no urges to binge at all.
I went to the Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous (ABA) meeting tonight; so glad that I did. I asked one of the members that I had connected with at my first meeting to be my sponsor, and she agreed, even though her schedule was quite busy. She said she wanted to make it as much of a commitment to her as it would be for me to work through the steps. I was reminded on the way back to Tony's of something I shared at a previous meeting.
Back in 2011, just before my 29th birthday, I was experiencing an extremely low mood about the excessive bingeing I had been doing and the subsequent weight gain, and was in desperate need of help. I had gone to a counseling session to register for the Calgary Counseling Centre's Towards Balanced Eating therapy group for binge eating. I explained to the counselor how I was feeling, and mentioned that I was feeling very hopeless and wanted to take some pills with a bottle of wine and hopefully end up in the hospital. I wasn't thinking about suicide, but just a drastic attempt to get help. I needed psychiatric attention soon, and wasn't sure how to get it. After the session, I decided to call Amy, because I wanted to self-medicate with something, and wanted to see if she knew where to get anti-depressants or tranquilizers. She answered her phone (strangely enough, she answered!) and told me to come over to her apartment. I told her about how I had been feeling, and we talked about what a struggle it was to live with an eating disorder. I know how she kept her weight down, and I was almost tempted to ask her for it, but I knew (and she insisted) that even trying crystal meth would be the worst thing she could do for me. I don't need that, I could see how much it had ruined her life. She told me about going to Over-Eaters Anonymous (OA) meetings, and gave me her books from AA and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). I told her I wouldn't use those, because I'm not an alcoholic, and I recovered from drugs successfully on my own. She offered to go to an OA meeting with me sometime, but I didn't take her up on the offer. Anyway, before I get off on too big a tangent, I left Amy's apartment feeling so much better than I was feeling before, and that just talking to her helped so much. I went home, and put the books on my table and forgot about them.
Fast-forward to Sept. 12, 2012, when I attended my first ABA meetings, one of the girls there spoke about an article she had just read in the paper, about a girl who was murdered, and she had an eating disorder and drug problems, and it made this girl realize how glad she was to have found sobriety. As I listened to her speak about her experience with addictions, and was so touched that she had had such a strong emotional reaction to reading that article in the Calgary Herald. I told her after the meeting that the article she spoke of was about Amy. She gave me a hug, and told me how sorry she was for my loss, but that it was great that I was coming to a meeting and looking for help.
The ABA 12-step program is loosely based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, so the Promise that is recited at the end of the meeting is the same one that appears in AA's Big Book. Noticing this after having attended the meetings a few times reminded me of the books Amy gave me just a year before. It was like she was meant to give me those books, and I was meant to go to that meeting. I've claimed to be an aethiest for a long time now, and am really unsure how I feel about the religious aspect of the 12-step programs. I spoke at many meetings about how uncomfortable I was with the whole God thing, and how I don't know that I believe in a higher power. But finally at a meeting in November, I realized that I don't have to believe in any particular religion to know that there is power outside of myself, and that things happen for a reason. I really believe that Amy was meant to give me those books, that I was meant to find that meeting, and that in passing, she stepped aside for me so that I could get the help I needed. I had felt as though I was living in her shadow for so long, and couldn't speak about my problems to my parents (in fear of burdening them with more 'stuff' when they had so much to deal with with Amy). Since her death, I've been able to come out to a lot of people about my eating disorder, and really taken the steps I needed to get into treatment. I have had great conversations and discussions with my parents; it feels bittersweet that in losing my sister, I finally feel able to have the relationship with my parents that I had been longing for.
So I feel like now I am ready to take the next steps on my journey, this time down the spiritual path, by really working on the 12 steps, and embracing sobriety. For ABA, sobriety is defined as the freedom from bingeing and purging, restricting and over-exercise - giving up those desperate measures in an attempt to control weight and shape. This might be difficult for me, but I think it will help.
Saturday 2 March 2013
Day 36
Well, today was not really what I was expecting. As per the previous post, I had decided to skip program on Wednesday, and engaged in behaviours, which I know is not what I should be doing. I was stressed out and emotional, thinking that Tony was pulling away from me, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to be done treatment on Friday. I went to program in the morning, had my breakfast at the cafeteria, and then headed up to group. The first session of the day was Managing Strong Emotions, but I was asked to leave the group before it started so that I could talk to my case manager. She asked me about what happened yesterday, and I told her. So then she told me that I would have to go home on reflection. Really? Even though I only had two days left? I seriously was not expecting that. They have pretty much zero tolerance for behaviours after the fourth week, and zero tolerance for skipping. So, I could have lied to them, I could have said I was sick (I did have a migraine a couple days before), and told them that I didn't binge and purge, but instead, I thought I would do something different, and be honest. And that was grounds for basically expulsion from the program. Bullshit.
If I had done this in a previous week, I would have been sent home on reflection (to think about how much I want treatment, and if I am really ready for it) for a week, and then would have to meet with the therapist, dietician and other staff to prove that I was ready to come back. But since I only had two days left, then I just had to leave early. Don't stay for any of the groups, don't talk about what happened in psychotherapy; pack your shit, say goodbye, and GTFO. Wow, thanks for the support when clearly I need it. The same thing had happened to another girl a few weeks ago, so I wasn't totally surprised, but definitely felt let down. I realize that I made a mistake; by slipping back into old habits (isolating, using behaviours), instead of getting the support I need, I have to go home and think about it.
I met with my case manager on Friday, and she explained that reflection is not a punishment, but an opportunity to really think about how ready I was for treatment. I suppose since I didn't want to accept 100% of the treatment they were giving (I was more than open to the DBT and coping strategies, just not so much into the nutrition and meal plan they were pushing on me), then in their eyes I am not truly ready for treatment. I can see their point, but maybe this means that their way is not right for everyone? I understand that they are the experts from a professional point of view, but I don't think any of them has actually had an eating disorder, and that is where the problem lies. It's easy to preach and talk about what you need to do to get better, but if you've never experienced what it's like to have an eating disorder (or any addiction, for that matter), then there is no way they can truly understand what we are going through. There is a definite 'superiority complex' that runs through mental health practitioners, and I don't think that is right. If anything, my time at the program has given me insight into how I would like to run my treatment and wellness center, once I have the appropriate training and certification. Treatment needs to come from a place of compassion, not strict rules and rigidity. I understand that they need to have rules and guidelines, but every patient there is different, so we can't all be expected to fit the mold that they are providing. Just because I wasn't ready for their treatment, doesn't mean I wasn't ready.
I have had significant gains since being there; I wanted an interruption to the toxic cycle of isolation, bingeing, purging, restricting and over-exercising, and I got that. I wanted to talk about emotional issues that were triggering for me, and I did that. I don't feel that baking or cooking a meal I don't want to eat is helpful at all, but that has no impact on my success in being free of my eating disorder. As I said in the previous post, relapses are something that can happen in recovery, but I have the choice to keep climbing to the top, or slide back to rock bottom. I will continue to eat clean, nutritious, healthy food, and exercise in moderation. No more starving and over-exercising until I am so hungry that I binge. I don't need to eat cookies and ice cream on a daily basis to consider myself 'cured'. I feel that I have a lot of knowledge in nutrition, so following an actual healthy meal plan (not what they preach at program) will give me far more success than I could ever achieve eating junky processed food every day. I'm strong, I'm a fighter, I can get through this. Day program may be over for now, but I'm not done yet.
** It has come to my attention that I did not clearly indicate that Tony and I talked about what was going on; he was stressed out from his own things (trying to get financing approved for his truck, driving a rental car that he hates, which is apparently a huge deal for a car enthusiast, starting school again, etc.) He was stressed out for reasons that had nothing to do with me, and told me that he still loves me even though I got kicked out of treatment. I over-reacted and assumed I was the problem, which lead me to make bad choices, before knowing that he was stressed about other things. For the record, I did ask him a number of times if he was okay, but trying to get men to talk about what's going on is difficult, as many of us women know! So, just because it wasn't clear previously, things with us are fine, he was not pulling away from me or having difficulty dealing with me being in treatment. **
If I had done this in a previous week, I would have been sent home on reflection (to think about how much I want treatment, and if I am really ready for it) for a week, and then would have to meet with the therapist, dietician and other staff to prove that I was ready to come back. But since I only had two days left, then I just had to leave early. Don't stay for any of the groups, don't talk about what happened in psychotherapy; pack your shit, say goodbye, and GTFO. Wow, thanks for the support when clearly I need it. The same thing had happened to another girl a few weeks ago, so I wasn't totally surprised, but definitely felt let down. I realize that I made a mistake; by slipping back into old habits (isolating, using behaviours), instead of getting the support I need, I have to go home and think about it.
I met with my case manager on Friday, and she explained that reflection is not a punishment, but an opportunity to really think about how ready I was for treatment. I suppose since I didn't want to accept 100% of the treatment they were giving (I was more than open to the DBT and coping strategies, just not so much into the nutrition and meal plan they were pushing on me), then in their eyes I am not truly ready for treatment. I can see their point, but maybe this means that their way is not right for everyone? I understand that they are the experts from a professional point of view, but I don't think any of them has actually had an eating disorder, and that is where the problem lies. It's easy to preach and talk about what you need to do to get better, but if you've never experienced what it's like to have an eating disorder (or any addiction, for that matter), then there is no way they can truly understand what we are going through. There is a definite 'superiority complex' that runs through mental health practitioners, and I don't think that is right. If anything, my time at the program has given me insight into how I would like to run my treatment and wellness center, once I have the appropriate training and certification. Treatment needs to come from a place of compassion, not strict rules and rigidity. I understand that they need to have rules and guidelines, but every patient there is different, so we can't all be expected to fit the mold that they are providing. Just because I wasn't ready for their treatment, doesn't mean I wasn't ready.
I have had significant gains since being there; I wanted an interruption to the toxic cycle of isolation, bingeing, purging, restricting and over-exercising, and I got that. I wanted to talk about emotional issues that were triggering for me, and I did that. I don't feel that baking or cooking a meal I don't want to eat is helpful at all, but that has no impact on my success in being free of my eating disorder. As I said in the previous post, relapses are something that can happen in recovery, but I have the choice to keep climbing to the top, or slide back to rock bottom. I will continue to eat clean, nutritious, healthy food, and exercise in moderation. No more starving and over-exercising until I am so hungry that I binge. I don't need to eat cookies and ice cream on a daily basis to consider myself 'cured'. I feel that I have a lot of knowledge in nutrition, so following an actual healthy meal plan (not what they preach at program) will give me far more success than I could ever achieve eating junky processed food every day. I'm strong, I'm a fighter, I can get through this. Day program may be over for now, but I'm not done yet.
** It has come to my attention that I did not clearly indicate that Tony and I talked about what was going on; he was stressed out from his own things (trying to get financing approved for his truck, driving a rental car that he hates, which is apparently a huge deal for a car enthusiast, starting school again, etc.) He was stressed out for reasons that had nothing to do with me, and told me that he still loves me even though I got kicked out of treatment. I over-reacted and assumed I was the problem, which lead me to make bad choices, before knowing that he was stressed about other things. For the record, I did ask him a number of times if he was okay, but trying to get men to talk about what's going on is difficult, as many of us women know! So, just because it wasn't clear previously, things with us are fine, he was not pulling away from me or having difficulty dealing with me being in treatment. **
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