Might have to do this update in two sections, have to run out to pick up Luc from school pretty soon. Since my check-in last week, I think things have gone pretty well. I didn't end up going to my out-patient groups, I'm kinda thinking I'm done with Alberta Health Services, and might as well use the time I have right now to work on more future planning. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how being a professional student, while having it's advantages, maybe isn't the ideal path to follow for a 30-year-old broke-ass single mom (yes, I know, many of you have probably been thinking this for years, but apparently I needed a bit more life experience before I realized it too). I know that I keep changing my mind every few years about what I really want to do with my life, and that every spring for the last four years I've gone through a should-be life transforming series of investments and ideas and education that seem to be derailed every August or September. Honestly, I think it could be cyclothymic disorder (sort of like bi-polar 'lite'), but when I mentioned it to a psychiatrist, he suggested that since I didn't have the characteristic lack of sleep associated with manic phases, then it is probably just 'regular' depression. Or maybe a serious case of seasonal affective disorder. I mean, seriously - every year for the last three years I've 'discovered' what it is that I'm passionate about (they are all kind of similar, with some variation every year - working from home, choosing my own schedule, counselling, nutrition, health, wellness, etc.) but every fall seem to slip back into the depression and concurrent bulimia. So I need to keep this in mind when I am looking into programs, career options, funding, etc. But so far, I have looked into getting into the M.Sc. in Counselling Psychology (yes, the program I was waitlisted for and then accepted into but declined because I impulsively decided to take Kinesiology), and might also see about attending evening courses with the Canadian School of Natural Nutrition, where I could get a diploma for the Registered Holistic Nutritionist program. Definitely something I'm interested in doing, as then it would be a good lead for getting a job while doing the Masters. Not quite sure how to pay for it, and I'm not sure if it would be similar to the Health Coach program I will be graduating from right away here (through the Institute for Integrative Nutrition). Funny that I can graduate from a program without really doing the work for it though - I know for sure that online courses are not a good idea for me. I just have to pass the last test, and then I will be a certified health coach. If the programs are the same, then I won't worry about the CSNN program, and instead just actually do the modules from IIN. They provide a lot of info on running a home-based business based on health and wellness counselling/coaching, so it's basically what I want to do. I won't be able to call myself a nutritionist or dietician though, but will have access to a large array of dietary theories and modules on holistic health, so pretty close, but just without the fancier designations of RHT and MSc, but those could come later. At least this would be a start to getting some money in the bank. I'm not quite sure what to do about KNES though. Should I finish the degree before applying to grad school, or just take the few courses I'm interested in (Anatomy and Physiology, and Nutrition) and apply for counselling psych admission for Fall 2014? Decisions, decisions....still no job yet, but I did send out a couple of resumes.
Anyway, career and life goals aren't really the purpose of this blog, so I'll get into the food stuff over the last week. I had decided a couple weeks ago that I was going to do a liver detox, to clear out all the toxic build-up that I'm quite sure has resulted from all the bingeing, medication, and diet pills over the last few years. I looked up some stuff online, and found a one-day detox with a seven-day lead up, and three-day follow up. The 'prequel' consisted of loading up on leafy greens, cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower), liver-lovers like celery and asparagus, and other things like spirulina, olive and flaxseed oils, and so on. So I added lots of these things to everything I ate over the last week, with the exception of Saturday. I did well in the morning, but then we went to my godmother's 25th anniversary party, and then ate some cake, had a couple drinks, then went out for dinner with friends where I ate mostly according to the cleanse, except I think the dough on my pizza was not multigrain (like I ordered!), and so would be heavy on gluten. But, I didn't freak out about it, and actually didn't even realize it until the next day. We went to a movie, and I just had diet Coke (no popcorn or M&Ms), but had some microwave popcorn, cheese and chocolates at home. On Sunday, though, I was quite nauseous, probably from putting all the 'detox detractors' into my body - sugar, alcohol, caffeine, gluten, so ate fairly minimally on Sunday. Monday was detox day. I boiled up the Miracle Juice (Cranberry, orange and lemon juice, spiced with nutmeg, ginger, and cinammon) while drinking the flaxseed-water colon-cleansing pre-drink. Alternated between the Miracle Juice and water throughout the day, as per the cleansing protocol.
I should know better that anytime I try to go for an extended period without eating (like 5 hours usually) then all I can think about is food. Going the whole day without eating made me want to eat so badly, that I started nibbling on things throughout the evening. I don't know if it wrecked my detox, but probably was better to graze on things, rather than eating nothing at all. Or to binge like crazy, which was becoming very tempting as the night went on. I even woke up in the middle of the night to start planning my binge for today, but woke up this morning and decided not to. I can't afford it, and I would be really disappointed in myself for slipping. And so would anyone reading this. So instead, I finished up the last of my juice with flaxseed (I was supposed to drink that last night, but oh well), and ate some probiotic yogurt with blueberries and chia seeds. I went home after that to take a nice detox bath with lavender-scented epsom salts and a "toxic cleanse" bath bomb I picked up at the Body, Spirit and Soul Expo on Friday night. Decided to make it a 'me' day, which I figure I should take advantage of while I can. Called a friend for support on my way home this morning; by the time I was in the car I wasn't so interested in bingeing, but figured it would be a good idea. So far the day has gone well, gonna go make dinner for Luc and me, then it's off to swimming lessons for Luc and jogging for me!
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
April 3
Wow, April already! Time is going by really quickly. I am registered to start the outpatient groups this week, although I didn't go yesterday, and I'm not so sure if I feel like going today. I am getting more and more frustrated with the program (and Alberta Health Services in general), and am thinking about exploring holistic and natural solutions for my issues. More on that later.
Since the last time I checked in, I went for another job interview (didn't get that one either), and spent time with family and friends over the weekend. I have been working hard to keep E.D. at bay, but I can't help but think it is just transforming into something different. I binged on Wednesday night, Friday night and Saturday afternoon, but no purging. I didn't even work out on Friday or Saturday, and I think I am okay with that. I ran out of my medication some time last week, and kept forgetting to refill it. But now I'm not so sure I will. Research into naturopathic healing suggests that there are plenty of natural anti-depressants out there, and avoiding processed, sugar-laden foods will help to alleviate the depression. Since I started taking Prozac in September of 2011, I have gone from 10mg a day to 60 (the evidence-supported dosage for bulimia) and really have not found it to be all that effective. Yes, there were some benefits, but it was definitely not to the extent I was hoping for, so why pollute my body with chemicals when I can improve serotonin production in my brain naturally?
Which leads me into the potential dilemma I am in right now. Over the last month, I have been doing all kinds of research into raw food, vegan, and vegetarian diets. Which is not a new interest; I did start looking into this stuff last summer before all the craziness went down in September. Anyway, I like the idea of being vegan, although it requires a lot of prep work, and might be difficult to sustain among my Standard American Diet-following family and friends. But, the health benefits are obvious, so why not put in the extra effort to be healthy? I know that following a Western way of eating will give me a body that lacks vitality, is hormonally-imbalanced, riddled with fat, cellulite and acne, and is largely ill-nourished, so why follow that way of eating when it makes me unhappy? This makes sense to me, but I have to wonder whose intentions are behind this? I don't think that I want to eat this way to lose weight- to be honest, right now I don't care about that; I know that my body will adjust accordingly to being well-nourished. Also, I am becoming more and more okay with the way my body is these days- but is that from a change in my way of thinking or is it because I have lost almost 30 pounds since this time last year? I can't really say.
I know that generally vegans are thin, and that some ED sufferers are vegan, but not all vegans are ED sufferers. I know that it boils down to the intention behind the particular way of eating. If I chose to be a vegan so that I would lose weight and have a reason to eliminate a great deal of food from my diet, then that would be ED intentions. But if I choose to add in leafy greens, legumes, nuts and seeds without completely banishing other foods from my diet, then that is okay, right? This is essentially the philosophy of the nutrition program that I am about to finish up with (although a nutrition expert with an eating disorder is kind of like the delusional schizophrenic leading the blind). The program says to 'crowd out' less healthy food by adding in more healthy food. 90:10, good food to bad. And if cravings come up, then explore what is going on there. The founder of the school spoke about his experience following a macrobiotic diet but bingeing on ice cream indicated to him that his diet wasn't working, and to ease up on the rules. Makes a lot of sense. There are modules specific to eating disorders in the program, that I will have to re-watch for more info.
So, I think I will have to tread carefully with my eating. Eat well most of the time, but it's okay to eat poorly on occasion.
I got through Easter pretty well; I did eat quite a bit of candy while I was hiding eggs for Luc. Lots of booze on Friday lead to a chocolate-pizza-brownie binge that night. I think the cravings were from the alcohol plus drop in serotonin, but I ate a lot more than I felt I should have. No purging, but a lot of guilt after. Especially because I kept thinking about how I was feeling throughout the binge- every bite was like a small injection of heroin for me. So good, but so terribly bad. I don't know if Tony
was aware of this, but I felt bad for bingeing in front of him. I don't know if he was judging me for it, but I know that the ED could be the killer of our relationship. I can't remember if I posted it or not, but we had a good, long talk about why I need to get better.
On Monday I had a family therapy session with my parents. My poor Mum is probably irreparably traumatized from it, although that was not the intention. I don't know why she feels she is to blame for Amy's and my mental health, I keep telling her it's more than genetics, it's more than bullying, it's more than parental or environmental influence, but she is having difficulty with that. I'm not sure if we'll go back for any more counselling sessions, and out of respect for my parents, I won't comment on it here.
Since the last time I checked in, I went for another job interview (didn't get that one either), and spent time with family and friends over the weekend. I have been working hard to keep E.D. at bay, but I can't help but think it is just transforming into something different. I binged on Wednesday night, Friday night and Saturday afternoon, but no purging. I didn't even work out on Friday or Saturday, and I think I am okay with that. I ran out of my medication some time last week, and kept forgetting to refill it. But now I'm not so sure I will. Research into naturopathic healing suggests that there are plenty of natural anti-depressants out there, and avoiding processed, sugar-laden foods will help to alleviate the depression. Since I started taking Prozac in September of 2011, I have gone from 10mg a day to 60 (the evidence-supported dosage for bulimia) and really have not found it to be all that effective. Yes, there were some benefits, but it was definitely not to the extent I was hoping for, so why pollute my body with chemicals when I can improve serotonin production in my brain naturally?
Which leads me into the potential dilemma I am in right now. Over the last month, I have been doing all kinds of research into raw food, vegan, and vegetarian diets. Which is not a new interest; I did start looking into this stuff last summer before all the craziness went down in September. Anyway, I like the idea of being vegan, although it requires a lot of prep work, and might be difficult to sustain among my Standard American Diet-following family and friends. But, the health benefits are obvious, so why not put in the extra effort to be healthy? I know that following a Western way of eating will give me a body that lacks vitality, is hormonally-imbalanced, riddled with fat, cellulite and acne, and is largely ill-nourished, so why follow that way of eating when it makes me unhappy? This makes sense to me, but I have to wonder whose intentions are behind this? I don't think that I want to eat this way to lose weight- to be honest, right now I don't care about that; I know that my body will adjust accordingly to being well-nourished. Also, I am becoming more and more okay with the way my body is these days- but is that from a change in my way of thinking or is it because I have lost almost 30 pounds since this time last year? I can't really say.
I know that generally vegans are thin, and that some ED sufferers are vegan, but not all vegans are ED sufferers. I know that it boils down to the intention behind the particular way of eating. If I chose to be a vegan so that I would lose weight and have a reason to eliminate a great deal of food from my diet, then that would be ED intentions. But if I choose to add in leafy greens, legumes, nuts and seeds without completely banishing other foods from my diet, then that is okay, right? This is essentially the philosophy of the nutrition program that I am about to finish up with (although a nutrition expert with an eating disorder is kind of like the delusional schizophrenic leading the blind). The program says to 'crowd out' less healthy food by adding in more healthy food. 90:10, good food to bad. And if cravings come up, then explore what is going on there. The founder of the school spoke about his experience following a macrobiotic diet but bingeing on ice cream indicated to him that his diet wasn't working, and to ease up on the rules. Makes a lot of sense. There are modules specific to eating disorders in the program, that I will have to re-watch for more info.
So, I think I will have to tread carefully with my eating. Eat well most of the time, but it's okay to eat poorly on occasion.
I got through Easter pretty well; I did eat quite a bit of candy while I was hiding eggs for Luc. Lots of booze on Friday lead to a chocolate-pizza-brownie binge that night. I think the cravings were from the alcohol plus drop in serotonin, but I ate a lot more than I felt I should have. No purging, but a lot of guilt after. Especially because I kept thinking about how I was feeling throughout the binge- every bite was like a small injection of heroin for me. So good, but so terribly bad. I don't know if Tony
was aware of this, but I felt bad for bingeing in front of him. I don't know if he was judging me for it, but I know that the ED could be the killer of our relationship. I can't remember if I posted it or not, but we had a good, long talk about why I need to get better.
On Monday I had a family therapy session with my parents. My poor Mum is probably irreparably traumatized from it, although that was not the intention. I don't know why she feels she is to blame for Amy's and my mental health, I keep telling her it's more than genetics, it's more than bullying, it's more than parental or environmental influence, but she is having difficulty with that. I'm not sure if we'll go back for any more counselling sessions, and out of respect for my parents, I won't comment on it here.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
March 27 (continued)
Not really sure why, but feeling really sad and depressed this afternoon. I went for the outpatient orientation session at the Richmond Road Diagnostic and Treatment Centre. After that, I just felt so blah. I don't know if I want to go through with these outpatient groups. I know I probably still need them, but I feel like I am done with the eating disorder program. Nothing helps anyway, so why even bother?
I didn't get the job that I had interviewed for yesterday, oh well, whatever. I have another one tomorrow, so maybe that will go better. I found out that my great aunt died yesterday, and I think that triggered a lot of grief for me. I didn't really know her, she was 91 and in a home with bad dementia, but it's still sad. I emailed my grandmother to express my condolences for the loss of her sister. Cried quite a bit after that, I think obviously because it hit close to home.
I've been having slot of thoughts and doubts about the future and what I want to do career-wise. I feel like the wellness centre that I have been thinking about really needs to be a reality, but I don't really know how feasible it is. Plus, I probably need some more professional training to run something like that. But I don't know that I want to be a psychologist anymore, definitely not one that works in a hospital. I'm so sick of hearing about how many people have been let down by the mental health 'care' provided by Alberta Health Services. It's ridiculous. So I've been thinking maybe about going into naturopathic medicine, as it seems to align more with my beliefs and principles than standard medicine. So I'll have to look into that.
I didn't get the job that I had interviewed for yesterday, oh well, whatever. I have another one tomorrow, so maybe that will go better. I found out that my great aunt died yesterday, and I think that triggered a lot of grief for me. I didn't really know her, she was 91 and in a home with bad dementia, but it's still sad. I emailed my grandmother to express my condolences for the loss of her sister. Cried quite a bit after that, I think obviously because it hit close to home.
I've been having slot of thoughts and doubts about the future and what I want to do career-wise. I feel like the wellness centre that I have been thinking about really needs to be a reality, but I don't really know how feasible it is. Plus, I probably need some more professional training to run something like that. But I don't know that I want to be a psychologist anymore, definitely not one that works in a hospital. I'm so sick of hearing about how many people have been let down by the mental health 'care' provided by Alberta Health Services. It's ridiculous. So I've been thinking maybe about going into naturopathic medicine, as it seems to align more with my beliefs and principles than standard medicine. So I'll have to look into that.
March 27
Since I last checked in, things have been alright. A minor slip on Saturday night; I was on my way back to Tony's and needed to stop for gas. As I was driving up to the gas station, I was thinking about how I wanted some Mini Eggs and hot chocolate. I told myself that I didn't need that; I had a cookie that evening, so I wasn't hungry anymore. But then I thought "well, it's okay to have a treat once in awhile". So I bought the treats, and asked for guidance to get through it. I'm still not sure who I am talking to when I do these prayers and stuff. Anyway, long story short, I ended up pulling over in a parking lot to purge into the coffee cup. Really gave me déjà vu from my coke days. Pulling over late at night to bust a few more lines before getting to my destination, making sure the parking lot is sort of busy so as not to draw attention to myself, but constantly looking around to make sure no one can see what I'm doing. Only this time, instead of illegal drugs, I was hiding my disease from any potential on-lookers. I couldn't help but think about what I would say if someone caught me. Parked outside of a bar, with my head down over the arm rest, probably looking shady to passers-by, throwing up in an empty Tim Horton's cup. What if the cops drove by and suspected that I was doing drugs, and came and knocked on my window? How awful would that be to have to explain that? I wasn't doing anything illegal, just something very sick and kind of sad. Told my sponsor about it, and we talked about how depriving myself completely of these treats makes me want it even more, but I need to be asking for support before and while I'm eating it.
Sunday and Monday went well; I decided on Monday that I was going to be lazy and just stay in. In could have gone home to clean, which is something that I do really need to do, but relaxing at Tony's (much cleaner) house seemed like a better option. Went to the meeting that night, and phoned my sponsor on the way home about the dark chocolate I was going to have for a snack. I had decided that I was going to stop at Community on the way back to Tony's to grab an 80% cacao dark chocolate bar to eat with the trail mix I had bought earlier that day. When I got there, they were closed! Again, I had to put gas in my car, and knew that if I went into the store, that I would be tempted to buy something loaded with sugar and not antioxidants. Fortunately, the Shopper's Drug Mart beside the Petro-Can was open, and I know sometimes they have a small selection of organic stuff there. Phew, crisis averted. Got back to Tony's, had my snack, everything was great.
Last night I was quite a bit more triggered. We ordered dinner from Boston Pizza, and I really wanted to have some garlic bread. I usually don't eat it, but always want it, so this time I thought I would just eat it and enjoy it. Except we only got one order of garlic bread. We both ordered pasta, but maybe my gluten-free pasta doesn't come with garlic bread (which makes sense; if I'm gonna eat gluten-free pasta, then eating white bread seems very contradictory). Anyway, so I decided I would ask Tony if I could have a small bite. Which of course, he said yes. It was delicious. Lots of thoughts were going through my head before I asked him though- "just ask him, it's fine", "no, don't eat it, you still have back fat, it's going to make you fat" "a little bite won't hurt" "it'll make you want more". Holy, what kind of delusional conversation do I have going on here? I had to take a number of deep breaths to get through dinner, which was successful. Was a bit triggered after dinner, trying to plan out when I would have time to work out in addition to the yoga class I am taking tomorrow evening. Washing my face brought about all kinds of criticism about my skin that still isn't clearing up. We laid down to watch The Hobbit, and I fell asleep, so that quieted all those voices in my head.
So, one day at a time is the best I can do. Heading off to OA this morning, then I have the orientation for the Skills group through the outpatient clinic. A haircut in the afternoon, then yoga in the evening. As long as I pack my snacks, and eat regularly throughout the day, I should be alright.
Sunday and Monday went well; I decided on Monday that I was going to be lazy and just stay in. In could have gone home to clean, which is something that I do really need to do, but relaxing at Tony's (much cleaner) house seemed like a better option. Went to the meeting that night, and phoned my sponsor on the way home about the dark chocolate I was going to have for a snack. I had decided that I was going to stop at Community on the way back to Tony's to grab an 80% cacao dark chocolate bar to eat with the trail mix I had bought earlier that day. When I got there, they were closed! Again, I had to put gas in my car, and knew that if I went into the store, that I would be tempted to buy something loaded with sugar and not antioxidants. Fortunately, the Shopper's Drug Mart beside the Petro-Can was open, and I know sometimes they have a small selection of organic stuff there. Phew, crisis averted. Got back to Tony's, had my snack, everything was great.
Last night I was quite a bit more triggered. We ordered dinner from Boston Pizza, and I really wanted to have some garlic bread. I usually don't eat it, but always want it, so this time I thought I would just eat it and enjoy it. Except we only got one order of garlic bread. We both ordered pasta, but maybe my gluten-free pasta doesn't come with garlic bread (which makes sense; if I'm gonna eat gluten-free pasta, then eating white bread seems very contradictory). Anyway, so I decided I would ask Tony if I could have a small bite. Which of course, he said yes. It was delicious. Lots of thoughts were going through my head before I asked him though- "just ask him, it's fine", "no, don't eat it, you still have back fat, it's going to make you fat" "a little bite won't hurt" "it'll make you want more". Holy, what kind of delusional conversation do I have going on here? I had to take a number of deep breaths to get through dinner, which was successful. Was a bit triggered after dinner, trying to plan out when I would have time to work out in addition to the yoga class I am taking tomorrow evening. Washing my face brought about all kinds of criticism about my skin that still isn't clearing up. We laid down to watch The Hobbit, and I fell asleep, so that quieted all those voices in my head.
So, one day at a time is the best I can do. Heading off to OA this morning, then I have the orientation for the Skills group through the outpatient clinic. A haircut in the afternoon, then yoga in the evening. As long as I pack my snacks, and eat regularly throughout the day, I should be alright.
Saturday, 23 March 2013
March 23
Only a few days since my last check in, but I think that now is a good time to post. Since Thursday, I have stuck to my meal plan, exercised in moderation, and met with my sponsor to really start working on Step One. She asked me to take a picture of everything I eat and send it to her - mostly for accountability, but also to give myself a moment to stop and really look at what I am about to eat. So far, I have forgotten to do that more often than not, but I'm working on it. Anyway, no cravings or binges, but definitely some triggers.
I can definitely tell that my hormones are acting up again. I feel fat and bloated, and my complexion is awful. I've been going without make-up this week to see if foundation is what is making me break out, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Also, a friend of mine (who I think has a fantastic body) has challenged me to participate in the Spartan Race in August, and to do yoga three times a week to get in shape. Two things I would absolutely love to do. Yoga I think is fine; I feel like the meditation benefits will be greater for me than any weight loss/toning I might experience, and it is well known that mindfulness practice is very beneficial for many mental illnesses, including eating disorders. The Spartan Race is making me a little bit nervous. It's a 5k obstacle race, that requires participants to be in top shape with respect to athletic prowess and endurance. Awesome, sign me up right now. Heavy strength training and conditioning, very specific healthy diet - sounds like heaven to me. Or is that to E.D.? Am I really interested in being an athlete? Sort of. Am I triggered at the thought of training with and competing against my friend who has a great body, but I am in better cardiovascular shape? Absolutely. I know we'd be training 5 - 6 times a week, running, lifting, conditioning the body for strength and endurance while eating specific foods in specific ratios, at specific times. Yep, E.D. is pretty fired up right now. Not too mention that I feel fat and bloated and my complexion is awful. So we'll have to see about this. I'm not so sure that it is a good idea for me, but I know that my friend is excited to do this. I feel like it is the equivalent of an alcoholic being invited on a pub crawl. Or a drinking contest, or something like that. Challenging exercise and competitiveness just fuels the body image issues and food cravings, so I think I should probably decline participating, rather than please my friend by doing this with her. I know she means well and wants to get into shape too, but this is a toughy for me.
I can definitely tell that my hormones are acting up again. I feel fat and bloated, and my complexion is awful. I've been going without make-up this week to see if foundation is what is making me break out, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Also, a friend of mine (who I think has a fantastic body) has challenged me to participate in the Spartan Race in August, and to do yoga three times a week to get in shape. Two things I would absolutely love to do. Yoga I think is fine; I feel like the meditation benefits will be greater for me than any weight loss/toning I might experience, and it is well known that mindfulness practice is very beneficial for many mental illnesses, including eating disorders. The Spartan Race is making me a little bit nervous. It's a 5k obstacle race, that requires participants to be in top shape with respect to athletic prowess and endurance. Awesome, sign me up right now. Heavy strength training and conditioning, very specific healthy diet - sounds like heaven to me. Or is that to E.D.? Am I really interested in being an athlete? Sort of. Am I triggered at the thought of training with and competing against my friend who has a great body, but I am in better cardiovascular shape? Absolutely. I know we'd be training 5 - 6 times a week, running, lifting, conditioning the body for strength and endurance while eating specific foods in specific ratios, at specific times. Yep, E.D. is pretty fired up right now. Not too mention that I feel fat and bloated and my complexion is awful. So we'll have to see about this. I'm not so sure that it is a good idea for me, but I know that my friend is excited to do this. I feel like it is the equivalent of an alcoholic being invited on a pub crawl. Or a drinking contest, or something like that. Challenging exercise and competitiveness just fuels the body image issues and food cravings, so I think I should probably decline participating, rather than please my friend by doing this with her. I know she means well and wants to get into shape too, but this is a toughy for me.
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
March 20
I had been meaning to write this earlier in the week, but didn't get to it. I think I realized that there was a reason for that, and that's why I need to be writing now. Over a week since the last time I checked in. Since then, I've binged and purged at least ten times, with 6 sessions occuring over the span of four days. I'm not too pleased about this. I was struggling with the small part of me that still wants to do it. I knew I could call someone, but something in me kept saying "Just one more time, that's it" then one more time turns into 10 more. And of course, the accompanying behaviours - lying, isolating. Just for one last time. There were some emotional issues and hormones playing a role in those cravings, and I just gave in to everyone of them.
I had a session with my therapist on Monday, and we talked about my behaviours, and upcoming family therapy meetings she wants to have. I'm not too sure about these; I know it will make me emotional, and I'm still not used to 'feeling' my feelings. So I would like to be a little more stable in my eating before we get into that.
I went to a few meetings this week; the ones today were particular pertinent for me. In OA, the topics were the third step, the third tradition, and the theme for the month. The Third Tradition states: The only requirement to be in OA is the desire to stop eating compulsively. Check. Step 3 speaks of the "decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God..." and faith was the theme. This has been a tricky one for me, because I am unsure of what my faith is; I have always identified as an aethiest, although I did have a short stint into alternative spirituality in high school. But this whole God thing is really making it difficult for me to accept this step. But I finally realized that God is how I understand God (the remainder of step 3), so it can be anything I want. I have intuitively known this, and have been told by others who were initially turned off by the spiritual aspect of 12-step programs. So anyway, that's all good now. If I need to choose a goddess, or an angel, or yoga classes to guide my spirituality, then that should be good.
I spoke about control and surrender at both meetings. I have been watching these nutrition documentaries, and they really have inspired me to nourish my body, rather than damage it. For so long now, and even slightly in the last few days, I have always thought that I needed to find the right diet for me. This has rarely been successful. I still haven't got complete control over my body weight and shape, but I want it so bad. If I could find the perfect way of eating for me, then I could lose weight, have a great body, and everything would be okay. I was reminded of Einstein's definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've been on a 'diet' since I was 12, and have gained and lost so much weight, that it's crazy. I can't do the math at the moment, but I do think I've probably gained and lost over 100 pounds since high school, not including pregnancy. So when is this insanity going to stop? I've tried diet after diet, and they never work. Which was the opening theme for one of the documentaries I watched (if you haven't watched Hungry for Change on Netflix yet, finish reading this and go watch it. Seriously.). Diet's don't work. Temporarily, yes, but not in the long term. Our bodies are naturally meant to seek nourishment from food. So when we restrict our intake, the body takes over with a strong desire to eat food. And particularly food that has sugar and fat. I've known this for awhile, and I think it is fascinating. It totally makes sense that every time I start a new diet, whether it's cutting calories, or whole entire food groups, within about 3 days all I can think about is chocolate and bread and sugar. Because my body thinks there is a famine going on, but the famine ain't coming. So the key to giving that up is to nourish my body with the right nutrients, adding in lots of fresh vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds and legumes, without taking away the cookies, M&Ms or cheezies. Why make such a fuss over this? Label it as "Food I can eat if I want, and don't have to if I don't want to" is certainly a lot easier to deal with than "Don't eat these foods. They will make you fat and they are bad for you. You are a bad person if you eat that food." With the right nutrients in my body, the cravings will fade.
I do have to be careful of this; the orthorexia that has been present for so long is ready to to be the primary eating disorder. I may not have used this term yet, so for those who haven't heard about orthorexia nervosa (ON), it has yet to be granted "diagnosable eating disorder as per the DSM", but is similar to anorexia. The difference though, is in food quality versus food quantity. That desire to eat healthful, organic, naturally-sourced food, limited of pesticides and processing; forgoing animal products, fast food, or commercial products. So what? That sounds like a pretentious-hippie-vegan diet (which, as much as I like to mock those people, I so totally want to be one!). Does this mean that all vegans have eating disorders? Nope. It's one of those fallacies that we learn about in psych class. One of those Venn diagram things with the logical and illogical conclusions: People with eating disorders often adopt vegan lifestyles, but not all vegans have eating disorders. But I digress.
So, the difference between someone with an eating disorder, and a pretentious-hippie-vegan is that someone with ON will avoid social situations, or go without eating if "their food" is not there. Or if they can't order something "appropriate" to the strict guidelines. Which resembles anorexia. Orthorexia is not as commonly acknowledged in the medical or psychological literature, but is starting to garner more notice. It is thought to affect men, fitness industry professionals, athletes, nutrition specialists, and some medical doctors. Wanting to eat healthy is not an inherently bad thing, it's when your life starts to resolve around eating healthy and you avoid people or places because of the food, then it becomes a problem. The test for orthorexia can be found on this website if you are interested in finding out if your relationship with food might be troublesome.
http://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/803218/orthorexia-is-your-healthy-eating-unhealthy
Okay, so what does this have to do with filling my body with nutrients and surrendering control of what I eat? In a perfect world, I would be able to eat what I want, when I want, and never have to worry about weight, but we all know that's not gonna happen. So for a few years now, I have thought that having precise control over what and how much I eat should get me to a place where I will be happy with my body. But I've HAVE YET to get that! I mean, temporarily, in 2010, I liked my body, but that was the summer that all this ridiculousness started! So, instead, I have to have a mindset that I have no control over my body weight and shape, and that if I even begin to start bingeing, purging, restricting, or dieting I am headed for trouble. It seems like such a difficult concept to grasp, because I so desperately want to control every bite, eat only particular foods, and never, ever binge again, and have a perfect body. Well fuck. So, surrender that control over food. Make a conscious effort to stick to my meal plan, talk to my sponsor, and limit triggers as much as possible until they are no longer triggers.
In addition to this, I think I will aim to attend a noon-hour yoga class as many days as I can, to meditate and contemplate about sobriety. I got my karma position back at my studio, so can have unlimited free yoga for volunteering for 2 hours a week.
But, back to tonight's meeting. I spoke about the time I spent with Luc yesterday, and how I am completely give up bulimia, give up control, and get better. Luc and I spent time together yesterday after school, so we went over to my house to hang out. We still have no cable or internet, but Luc was content playing Minecraft on the iPad. While we were there, I decided we should eat up the treats that were still leftover from Saturday's b/p. Luc was happy to eat some cheezies, and half of a cookie, while I ate cheezies, Mini eggs, and two cookies. With lots of diet ginger ale to wash it down. I figured that Luc would be busy with his game, so I could sneak off to the bathroom when I was done. He asked me to play with some Lego, which we did for a little while, and then he wanted to show me a game. I told him I would be right back. While I was in there purging, I noticed some red splotches in there. I'm hoping that they were just from the red M&Ms I had eaten, but the hypochondriac in me suddenly tasted blood. Oh shit. Never had that happen before. So I cleaned up and went to play with Luc. I spoke at the meeting about how he needs me to model healthy eating and nutrition; that bingeing on junk food all the time and then going to McDonald's is not right! As I drove him back to his dad's, he kept asking about when he would be able to come live with me again. I told him maybe the summer, but that we would really have to work on bedtime and breakfast. He argued initially, and I know there is a lot of work to be done in our relationship, but I'm done with letting him down. Not being there, being sick, being absent. I'm done. My son needs a mom, not an eating disorder. So I'm ready.
On the way home, I was very emotional reflecting on this. I used to ask what would it take for Amy to hit rock bottom, and sober up, and I realized that I had hit my lowest. Every time I've binged and purged, I've said it was the last time, but this time I mean it. I'm ready to sober up. I listened to my inspirational songs, and cried, and told Amy to help me out because I'm ready to this now, and I need guidance. So, I've got a few last words for E.D.: "You'd think I'd despise you after all that you put me through, but in the end I want to thank you, for making me that much stronger...Made me that much wiser, made me work a little bit harder, made me that much smarter...made me think a bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter" (Christina Aguilera, 2002).
I had a session with my therapist on Monday, and we talked about my behaviours, and upcoming family therapy meetings she wants to have. I'm not too sure about these; I know it will make me emotional, and I'm still not used to 'feeling' my feelings. So I would like to be a little more stable in my eating before we get into that.
I went to a few meetings this week; the ones today were particular pertinent for me. In OA, the topics were the third step, the third tradition, and the theme for the month. The Third Tradition states: The only requirement to be in OA is the desire to stop eating compulsively. Check. Step 3 speaks of the "decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God..." and faith was the theme. This has been a tricky one for me, because I am unsure of what my faith is; I have always identified as an aethiest, although I did have a short stint into alternative spirituality in high school. But this whole God thing is really making it difficult for me to accept this step. But I finally realized that God is how I understand God (the remainder of step 3), so it can be anything I want. I have intuitively known this, and have been told by others who were initially turned off by the spiritual aspect of 12-step programs. So anyway, that's all good now. If I need to choose a goddess, or an angel, or yoga classes to guide my spirituality, then that should be good.
I spoke about control and surrender at both meetings. I have been watching these nutrition documentaries, and they really have inspired me to nourish my body, rather than damage it. For so long now, and even slightly in the last few days, I have always thought that I needed to find the right diet for me. This has rarely been successful. I still haven't got complete control over my body weight and shape, but I want it so bad. If I could find the perfect way of eating for me, then I could lose weight, have a great body, and everything would be okay. I was reminded of Einstein's definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've been on a 'diet' since I was 12, and have gained and lost so much weight, that it's crazy. I can't do the math at the moment, but I do think I've probably gained and lost over 100 pounds since high school, not including pregnancy. So when is this insanity going to stop? I've tried diet after diet, and they never work. Which was the opening theme for one of the documentaries I watched (if you haven't watched Hungry for Change on Netflix yet, finish reading this and go watch it. Seriously.). Diet's don't work. Temporarily, yes, but not in the long term. Our bodies are naturally meant to seek nourishment from food. So when we restrict our intake, the body takes over with a strong desire to eat food. And particularly food that has sugar and fat. I've known this for awhile, and I think it is fascinating. It totally makes sense that every time I start a new diet, whether it's cutting calories, or whole entire food groups, within about 3 days all I can think about is chocolate and bread and sugar. Because my body thinks there is a famine going on, but the famine ain't coming. So the key to giving that up is to nourish my body with the right nutrients, adding in lots of fresh vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds and legumes, without taking away the cookies, M&Ms or cheezies. Why make such a fuss over this? Label it as "Food I can eat if I want, and don't have to if I don't want to" is certainly a lot easier to deal with than "Don't eat these foods. They will make you fat and they are bad for you. You are a bad person if you eat that food." With the right nutrients in my body, the cravings will fade.
I do have to be careful of this; the orthorexia that has been present for so long is ready to to be the primary eating disorder. I may not have used this term yet, so for those who haven't heard about orthorexia nervosa (ON), it has yet to be granted "diagnosable eating disorder as per the DSM", but is similar to anorexia. The difference though, is in food quality versus food quantity. That desire to eat healthful, organic, naturally-sourced food, limited of pesticides and processing; forgoing animal products, fast food, or commercial products. So what? That sounds like a pretentious-hippie-vegan diet (which, as much as I like to mock those people, I so totally want to be one!). Does this mean that all vegans have eating disorders? Nope. It's one of those fallacies that we learn about in psych class. One of those Venn diagram things with the logical and illogical conclusions: People with eating disorders often adopt vegan lifestyles, but not all vegans have eating disorders. But I digress.
So, the difference between someone with an eating disorder, and a pretentious-hippie-vegan is that someone with ON will avoid social situations, or go without eating if "their food" is not there. Or if they can't order something "appropriate" to the strict guidelines. Which resembles anorexia. Orthorexia is not as commonly acknowledged in the medical or psychological literature, but is starting to garner more notice. It is thought to affect men, fitness industry professionals, athletes, nutrition specialists, and some medical doctors. Wanting to eat healthy is not an inherently bad thing, it's when your life starts to resolve around eating healthy and you avoid people or places because of the food, then it becomes a problem. The test for orthorexia can be found on this website if you are interested in finding out if your relationship with food might be troublesome.
http://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/803218/orthorexia-is-your-healthy-eating-unhealthy
Okay, so what does this have to do with filling my body with nutrients and surrendering control of what I eat? In a perfect world, I would be able to eat what I want, when I want, and never have to worry about weight, but we all know that's not gonna happen. So for a few years now, I have thought that having precise control over what and how much I eat should get me to a place where I will be happy with my body. But I've HAVE YET to get that! I mean, temporarily, in 2010, I liked my body, but that was the summer that all this ridiculousness started! So, instead, I have to have a mindset that I have no control over my body weight and shape, and that if I even begin to start bingeing, purging, restricting, or dieting I am headed for trouble. It seems like such a difficult concept to grasp, because I so desperately want to control every bite, eat only particular foods, and never, ever binge again, and have a perfect body. Well fuck. So, surrender that control over food. Make a conscious effort to stick to my meal plan, talk to my sponsor, and limit triggers as much as possible until they are no longer triggers.
In addition to this, I think I will aim to attend a noon-hour yoga class as many days as I can, to meditate and contemplate about sobriety. I got my karma position back at my studio, so can have unlimited free yoga for volunteering for 2 hours a week.
But, back to tonight's meeting. I spoke about the time I spent with Luc yesterday, and how I am completely give up bulimia, give up control, and get better. Luc and I spent time together yesterday after school, so we went over to my house to hang out. We still have no cable or internet, but Luc was content playing Minecraft on the iPad. While we were there, I decided we should eat up the treats that were still leftover from Saturday's b/p. Luc was happy to eat some cheezies, and half of a cookie, while I ate cheezies, Mini eggs, and two cookies. With lots of diet ginger ale to wash it down. I figured that Luc would be busy with his game, so I could sneak off to the bathroom when I was done. He asked me to play with some Lego, which we did for a little while, and then he wanted to show me a game. I told him I would be right back. While I was in there purging, I noticed some red splotches in there. I'm hoping that they were just from the red M&Ms I had eaten, but the hypochondriac in me suddenly tasted blood. Oh shit. Never had that happen before. So I cleaned up and went to play with Luc. I spoke at the meeting about how he needs me to model healthy eating and nutrition; that bingeing on junk food all the time and then going to McDonald's is not right! As I drove him back to his dad's, he kept asking about when he would be able to come live with me again. I told him maybe the summer, but that we would really have to work on bedtime and breakfast. He argued initially, and I know there is a lot of work to be done in our relationship, but I'm done with letting him down. Not being there, being sick, being absent. I'm done. My son needs a mom, not an eating disorder. So I'm ready.
On the way home, I was very emotional reflecting on this. I used to ask what would it take for Amy to hit rock bottom, and sober up, and I realized that I had hit my lowest. Every time I've binged and purged, I've said it was the last time, but this time I mean it. I'm ready to sober up. I listened to my inspirational songs, and cried, and told Amy to help me out because I'm ready to this now, and I need guidance. So, I've got a few last words for E.D.: "You'd think I'd despise you after all that you put me through, but in the end I want to thank you, for making me that much stronger...Made me that much wiser, made me work a little bit harder, made me that much smarter...made me think a bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter" (Christina Aguilera, 2002).
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
March 11, 2012
I suppose maybe I should check in more often than once a week; the last ten days have gone by really fast since treatment ended. No job yet, but hair appointments here and there, and I have sent out some resumes and applications. The week went fairly well, with the exception of a few slip-ups, which will be the focus of this post.
After Monday night's meeting last week, my sponsor suggested that I try to get to as many meetings as I could, even AA. I thought since it seems to work for other people, then I would check it out. So, on Tuesday, I went down to the New Beginnings meeting, and introduced myself. When I shared my story (the gist of the one from the previous post), I said that I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but that I have an eating disorder that I am doing a 12-step program similar to AA. Most of the people were welcoming, although one man said "This meeting is for alcoholics" in his spiel after I had shared. I didn't think much of it, but some of the other members told me "Don't worry about that guy; anyone is welcome here if you have an addiction that you are trying to get sober from". One woman spoke with me for an hour and a half after the meeting about how I might be an alcoholic, and that maybe I should come to all these women's meetings, and how she could sponsor me. I really don't think I have a problem with drinking, and I'm not really interested in trying to stop right now. Let's get this eating thing under control, and then we can take a look at other addictions. So needless to say, I didn't go back to AA.
I did go to Over-eaters Anonymous, I think that will be beneficial to me, along with ABA. OA members (I don't know if this breaks the anonymity code) seem to be older, but with a history of eating disorders, who now struggle with binge eating. Which is exactly where I don't want to be anymore. So I think it will be really helpful to continue going to these meetings, the few times I have gone, I have really been able to relate to what the other women are saying.
Thursday started out okay, but turned worse as the day went on. I was taking a friend to an appointment that day, and had fallen asleep after breakfast so was late in getting there. We had a nice lunch, and then I took her to the appointment. I decided to go to Starbucks for a coffee while I was waiting. As soon as I got into the shop, all those baked goodies sparked that rush inside of me, about how badly I wanted to eat something, but also how much I didn't want to eat them, because I was still full from lunch. I practiced my deep breathing, and was able to just order a latte, which was satisfying enough. After taking my friend home, I decided to go home for a bit and hang out with Sylvester. The binge urge was very present, but I thought I could fight it. Not so much. Cheezies, M&Ms, pop - what a waste of money literally down the toilet. Feeling frustrated, I left and went back to Tony's, and had some leftover turkey and spaghetti squash for dinner.
Friday was good, I stayed in most of the day, then had a hair appointment, then hung out with Tony. I was able to eat well, sticking to my meal plan, and had gone to a spin class at the gym that morning.
Saturday was alright, Tony had some stuff to do in the morning, so I stayed at his house and worked out. We hung out for a bit in the afternoon, and he asked me what I was doing that night. I really hadn't made plans, but he was having a friend over to watch some music video DVDs. He didn't say that he didn't want me there, but I sort of got that I might feel like a third wheel there, so I told him I would just go to my house. I was pretty nervous about this; as soon as I thought about being home alone, all I could think about was bingeing. I had a couple of offers from people to do things, but politely declined, thinking that this would be a good test of being "with" myself, when I am by myself. I did message my sponsor, because I wasn't so sure I would be safe at home, but she was away on work. So, I thought maybe I would go to a movie, since I have tons of Scene points, and the ticket would be free. With no cable or internet at my house, I knew I would be there, just me and my movies, and E.D. would be right there with me, just like old times. When I got to the movie, I figured I would just have a small popcorn and drink, but then I saw the advertisement for the M&Ms contest - by using your Scene card, you could be entered to win a new car (which I could use soon!) or a one-year supply of M&Ms. OMG, that would be heaven! Or hell? That shit is like my kryptonite - I swear I am more addicted to M&Ms than I was addicted to cigarettes!
So with my large pop, large popcorn, and bag of M&Ms, I wandered into the theatre to find a seat. I've never been to a movie on my own before, so I felt kind of silly, since the theatre was fairly busy. Oh well, I was not focusing on the people in the audience, I was too busy chewing and sipping methodically to mix everything up so I could purge it all out as soon as I got home.
Which of course made me feel like shit for the rest of the night, and all through Sunday. Which made me reflect a lot about the ABA preamble, and Step 1. ABA is available to anyone with a desire to stop insane eating practices (bingeing, purging, restricting, etc.) and the basis of the group is to surrender control of food, exercise, body weight, shape, and size. Step 1 states: We admitted we were powerless over our insane eating practices - that our lives had become unmanageable. Check yes on that one! If there is one thing I learned over the last week, is that I am completely powerless against this disease. Even after 8 weeks of treatment, the urge to binge and purge is still there, and is still strong, and this will be a struggle for the rest of my life.
I found assurance in that at least where some would believe that I have struggled because I didn't try hard enough, or didn't want to be healthy bad enough, that that's why I've had four relapses in two weeks. But I know that there is more to it than that; I admit that I have no power over this, and for that I am feeling more ready to go ahead with the 12 steps.
After Monday night's meeting last week, my sponsor suggested that I try to get to as many meetings as I could, even AA. I thought since it seems to work for other people, then I would check it out. So, on Tuesday, I went down to the New Beginnings meeting, and introduced myself. When I shared my story (the gist of the one from the previous post), I said that I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but that I have an eating disorder that I am doing a 12-step program similar to AA. Most of the people were welcoming, although one man said "This meeting is for alcoholics" in his spiel after I had shared. I didn't think much of it, but some of the other members told me "Don't worry about that guy; anyone is welcome here if you have an addiction that you are trying to get sober from". One woman spoke with me for an hour and a half after the meeting about how I might be an alcoholic, and that maybe I should come to all these women's meetings, and how she could sponsor me. I really don't think I have a problem with drinking, and I'm not really interested in trying to stop right now. Let's get this eating thing under control, and then we can take a look at other addictions. So needless to say, I didn't go back to AA.
I did go to Over-eaters Anonymous, I think that will be beneficial to me, along with ABA. OA members (I don't know if this breaks the anonymity code) seem to be older, but with a history of eating disorders, who now struggle with binge eating. Which is exactly where I don't want to be anymore. So I think it will be really helpful to continue going to these meetings, the few times I have gone, I have really been able to relate to what the other women are saying.
Thursday started out okay, but turned worse as the day went on. I was taking a friend to an appointment that day, and had fallen asleep after breakfast so was late in getting there. We had a nice lunch, and then I took her to the appointment. I decided to go to Starbucks for a coffee while I was waiting. As soon as I got into the shop, all those baked goodies sparked that rush inside of me, about how badly I wanted to eat something, but also how much I didn't want to eat them, because I was still full from lunch. I practiced my deep breathing, and was able to just order a latte, which was satisfying enough. After taking my friend home, I decided to go home for a bit and hang out with Sylvester. The binge urge was very present, but I thought I could fight it. Not so much. Cheezies, M&Ms, pop - what a waste of money literally down the toilet. Feeling frustrated, I left and went back to Tony's, and had some leftover turkey and spaghetti squash for dinner.
Friday was good, I stayed in most of the day, then had a hair appointment, then hung out with Tony. I was able to eat well, sticking to my meal plan, and had gone to a spin class at the gym that morning.
Saturday was alright, Tony had some stuff to do in the morning, so I stayed at his house and worked out. We hung out for a bit in the afternoon, and he asked me what I was doing that night. I really hadn't made plans, but he was having a friend over to watch some music video DVDs. He didn't say that he didn't want me there, but I sort of got that I might feel like a third wheel there, so I told him I would just go to my house. I was pretty nervous about this; as soon as I thought about being home alone, all I could think about was bingeing. I had a couple of offers from people to do things, but politely declined, thinking that this would be a good test of being "with" myself, when I am by myself. I did message my sponsor, because I wasn't so sure I would be safe at home, but she was away on work. So, I thought maybe I would go to a movie, since I have tons of Scene points, and the ticket would be free. With no cable or internet at my house, I knew I would be there, just me and my movies, and E.D. would be right there with me, just like old times. When I got to the movie, I figured I would just have a small popcorn and drink, but then I saw the advertisement for the M&Ms contest - by using your Scene card, you could be entered to win a new car (which I could use soon!) or a one-year supply of M&Ms. OMG, that would be heaven! Or hell? That shit is like my kryptonite - I swear I am more addicted to M&Ms than I was addicted to cigarettes!
So with my large pop, large popcorn, and bag of M&Ms, I wandered into the theatre to find a seat. I've never been to a movie on my own before, so I felt kind of silly, since the theatre was fairly busy. Oh well, I was not focusing on the people in the audience, I was too busy chewing and sipping methodically to mix everything up so I could purge it all out as soon as I got home.
Which of course made me feel like shit for the rest of the night, and all through Sunday. Which made me reflect a lot about the ABA preamble, and Step 1. ABA is available to anyone with a desire to stop insane eating practices (bingeing, purging, restricting, etc.) and the basis of the group is to surrender control of food, exercise, body weight, shape, and size. Step 1 states: We admitted we were powerless over our insane eating practices - that our lives had become unmanageable. Check yes on that one! If there is one thing I learned over the last week, is that I am completely powerless against this disease. Even after 8 weeks of treatment, the urge to binge and purge is still there, and is still strong, and this will be a struggle for the rest of my life.
I found assurance in that at least where some would believe that I have struggled because I didn't try hard enough, or didn't want to be healthy bad enough, that that's why I've had four relapses in two weeks. But I know that there is more to it than that; I admit that I have no power over this, and for that I am feeling more ready to go ahead with the 12 steps.
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