Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Day 35
As soon as Tony left for work this morning, all I could think about was bingeing. Not getting up and working out like I had planned last night, but no, instead I ate some white toast with Nutella and almond butter, then some rice cakes with almond butter, while watching cartoons. At like 6am in the morning. I really didn't feel like going to program today, so I didn't. Bad idea, I know. But seriously, what are they going to do? Kick me out? I have two days left. So I went back to bed, and slept til 10:30. Woke up, made some pancakes, smothered in almond butter and syrup - I thought I could be okay with having almond butter around, but obviously not. I just opened it on Monday, now half the frickin' jar is gone. I also ate the cookie and half and Aero bar that Luc left over the weekend. I know he won't notice, but still -why can't I resist eating his food? What kind of terrible mother constantly eats their kid's treats? I'm so frustrated right now. I really should have just gone to program today, that would have been much better than what I ended up doing. I went home, and binged and purged. Accidently locked Tony's cat in the bathroom too, so I think he was pretty mad at me for that. I was going to go to the Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous meeting tonight, but I was still purging by the time I needed to leave. Fuck. Sometimes I wish I had anorexia instead of bulimia; it would seriously be so much easier to just not eat than to be so goddamn addicted to junk food. I've probably gained 5 pounds in the last few days from all the over eating I've been doing, now my face is puffy and my throat hurts from throwing up. What the fuck was the point of dropping out of school to get help to be right back where I started? I know that it's a slippery slope, that relapse is an expected part of recovery, but it doesn't make it any easier. I know that I can either keep on slipping back to where I started, or acknowledge the slip and keep climbing Recovery Mountain. I am so frustrated that this is going to be a life-long battle for me; it was seriously so much easier to quit smoking or doing drugs than it has been to kick my eating disorder. I really think the only way I can do this for good is to avoid all those bad foods. Just stock up on fruits and veggies and stay away from bread and chocolate. Trail mix too, I think. It's just too risky.
Day 34
Monday night was okay; I had dinner and then basically fell asleep after taking migraine meds. Today wasn't too bad. I got to make my own breakfast; I got to program a bit late, so just had an english muffin with peanut butter. Yes, I voluntarily chose bread and peanut butter for breakfast, and ate it. Well, if I had time I would have had eggs and oatmeal, but I wasn't feeling stressed out about it after eating it. I've had english muffins with peanut butter a few times lately, and it seems like bread and peanut butter is getting a little less scary lately.
I chose to go to healing arts today; we had the music session where we got to bring in our songs. I have been listening to 'My Immortal' by Evanescence lately; at first the song made me think of Amy, but the more I listened to it, the more it represented the place I'm in right now. So many of the lyrics stood out to me because I could relate it to this struggle with the eating disorder. "I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears"...."Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me. These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, it's just too much that time cannot erase". I've been feeling extremely conflicted lately; I've been trying to trust the program and eat peanut butter and cake and all that stuff I want to avoid, and now I've been bingeing almost every day since last Thursday. I knew I was right that trying that stuff in a 'safe' environment would lead to trouble outside of program.
Here`s the link to the video with the lyrics if you wanna check it out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu7QvOQKcKk
I got to have lunch in the cafeteria today. I ordered pasta with chicken and veggies, but then took all of the pasta out. It was white pasta, so I don`t think it would have been good to eat. I didn`t really look at what my other choices were, it was so busy in there that I just picked quickly and found somewhere to sit. I`m sure it was supposed to be 100% completion on the pasta, but none of the staff was there, so I figured it was fine to eat just the chicken and the veggies.
In psychotherapy, again hardly anyone talked. One of the girls talked about her struggle with the weight requirement, even though she thinks she is just fine at the weight she is. She looks totally healthy, but I guess she is not quite as medically stable as the staff would like her to be, so she needs to keep gaining weight for now. I feel really bad for her and the other girls in the same predicament. These so-called experts on the staff make it really hard to trust the program when so much of it doesn`t make sense. Since no one else brought up issues after that, I spoke up about my insecurity with Tony lately. I don`t know what`s going on, but since the weekend, he has been very quiet and distant (Not that he`s all that loud anyway, but it`s noticeably awkward these days). I think I have pointed out how much he`s done for me too much, and he`s realizing that he can do better. Every time I say how much he does for me, he doesn`t really say anything. Since I know he`s just like me, the fact that he`s not saying anything really speaks volumes. I keep asking him if everything is okay, and all he says is ``yeah``. I hardly saw him over the weekend, and in the evenings we just watch tv on separate couches. It is really bothering me. I think I need to start going back to my house. I think I have taken up too much of his space lately, and he is noticing.
One of the girls asked me how my weekend went, and asked if I had spent some time at home. As we talked about it, another one of the girls said that maybe it`s not my house I am afraid of being in, maybe I'm just afraid of being alone by myself. Since it doesn't seem to matter where I am lately, I am triggered to binge when Tony is out or has fallen asleep, so it's being with myself that is scary. Which brought me back to the first few weeks of treatment where we were challenged to spend time with ourselves, rather than just by ourselves. I guess I am just so uncomfortable with who I am, what's going on, and how I've screwed up so much of my life that I can't be comfortable when I am alone. But I know that I can't expect to never be alone for the rest of my life. I've always been independent, so I couldn't imagine needing to be supervised at all times. And that's totally the spot that I've put Tony in, and that's so unfair to him. It's not his responsibility to take care of me. It's my responsibility to take care of me, and I'm not so confident in my abilities these days.
After the baking snack (shortbread cookies today), I planned to go home and spend some time relaxing. I was still hungry, so I thought I would get a snack. Normal people have a snack when they are still hungry, right - so I stopped at Mac`s and got some trail mix and a dark chocolate bar. I wasn`t sure if this was a good idea, considering that I`d already had trail mix at the morning snack, and dark chocolate at Tony`s house for dessert later. But, I figured I needed to test myself, so I decided that if things got out of hand, then I would just leave. I portioned out my snack (I was quite surprised to find out that 1/4 cup of trail mix works out to be about the same as what they serve in program - maybe they're not trying to make me fat!), and sat down to catch up on some Grey's Anatomy. As soon as I finished eating, I wanted more, so I poured the rest of the trail mix in my bowl, broke up the rest of the chocolate bar, had a few bites.....and then was fine. I was able to leave the leftovers in the fridge, and wasn't triggered to binge after all. Wow, what a surprise.
After the episode was over, I went over to Tony's house. Again, it was very awkward; we ate dinner and then went upstairs to watch tv. We laid down on our respective separate couches, and fell asleep. I had been craving the rest of that dark chocolate bar that was in the freezer, so I ate that and a small handful of almonds (I'm not sure how many, I didn't count them out first). I ate that, fell asleep, then woke up later to have a rice cake with almond butter. And another one shortly after that. Fuck. That's a lot of snacking to be doing at night. One snack is enough, considering all the fat and sugar I had already eaten during the day. Probably ate all of the calories I burned in my workout from this morning. Goddamn.
I chose to go to healing arts today; we had the music session where we got to bring in our songs. I have been listening to 'My Immortal' by Evanescence lately; at first the song made me think of Amy, but the more I listened to it, the more it represented the place I'm in right now. So many of the lyrics stood out to me because I could relate it to this struggle with the eating disorder. "I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears"...."Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me. These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, it's just too much that time cannot erase". I've been feeling extremely conflicted lately; I've been trying to trust the program and eat peanut butter and cake and all that stuff I want to avoid, and now I've been bingeing almost every day since last Thursday. I knew I was right that trying that stuff in a 'safe' environment would lead to trouble outside of program.
Here`s the link to the video with the lyrics if you wanna check it out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu7QvOQKcKk
I got to have lunch in the cafeteria today. I ordered pasta with chicken and veggies, but then took all of the pasta out. It was white pasta, so I don`t think it would have been good to eat. I didn`t really look at what my other choices were, it was so busy in there that I just picked quickly and found somewhere to sit. I`m sure it was supposed to be 100% completion on the pasta, but none of the staff was there, so I figured it was fine to eat just the chicken and the veggies.
In psychotherapy, again hardly anyone talked. One of the girls talked about her struggle with the weight requirement, even though she thinks she is just fine at the weight she is. She looks totally healthy, but I guess she is not quite as medically stable as the staff would like her to be, so she needs to keep gaining weight for now. I feel really bad for her and the other girls in the same predicament. These so-called experts on the staff make it really hard to trust the program when so much of it doesn`t make sense. Since no one else brought up issues after that, I spoke up about my insecurity with Tony lately. I don`t know what`s going on, but since the weekend, he has been very quiet and distant (Not that he`s all that loud anyway, but it`s noticeably awkward these days). I think I have pointed out how much he`s done for me too much, and he`s realizing that he can do better. Every time I say how much he does for me, he doesn`t really say anything. Since I know he`s just like me, the fact that he`s not saying anything really speaks volumes. I keep asking him if everything is okay, and all he says is ``yeah``. I hardly saw him over the weekend, and in the evenings we just watch tv on separate couches. It is really bothering me. I think I need to start going back to my house. I think I have taken up too much of his space lately, and he is noticing.
One of the girls asked me how my weekend went, and asked if I had spent some time at home. As we talked about it, another one of the girls said that maybe it`s not my house I am afraid of being in, maybe I'm just afraid of being alone by myself. Since it doesn't seem to matter where I am lately, I am triggered to binge when Tony is out or has fallen asleep, so it's being with myself that is scary. Which brought me back to the first few weeks of treatment where we were challenged to spend time with ourselves, rather than just by ourselves. I guess I am just so uncomfortable with who I am, what's going on, and how I've screwed up so much of my life that I can't be comfortable when I am alone. But I know that I can't expect to never be alone for the rest of my life. I've always been independent, so I couldn't imagine needing to be supervised at all times. And that's totally the spot that I've put Tony in, and that's so unfair to him. It's not his responsibility to take care of me. It's my responsibility to take care of me, and I'm not so confident in my abilities these days.
After the baking snack (shortbread cookies today), I planned to go home and spend some time relaxing. I was still hungry, so I thought I would get a snack. Normal people have a snack when they are still hungry, right - so I stopped at Mac`s and got some trail mix and a dark chocolate bar. I wasn`t sure if this was a good idea, considering that I`d already had trail mix at the morning snack, and dark chocolate at Tony`s house for dessert later. But, I figured I needed to test myself, so I decided that if things got out of hand, then I would just leave. I portioned out my snack (I was quite surprised to find out that 1/4 cup of trail mix works out to be about the same as what they serve in program - maybe they're not trying to make me fat!), and sat down to catch up on some Grey's Anatomy. As soon as I finished eating, I wanted more, so I poured the rest of the trail mix in my bowl, broke up the rest of the chocolate bar, had a few bites.....and then was fine. I was able to leave the leftovers in the fridge, and wasn't triggered to binge after all. Wow, what a surprise.
After the episode was over, I went over to Tony's house. Again, it was very awkward; we ate dinner and then went upstairs to watch tv. We laid down on our respective separate couches, and fell asleep. I had been craving the rest of that dark chocolate bar that was in the freezer, so I ate that and a small handful of almonds (I'm not sure how many, I didn't count them out first). I ate that, fell asleep, then woke up later to have a rice cake with almond butter. And another one shortly after that. Fuck. That's a lot of snacking to be doing at night. One snack is enough, considering all the fat and sugar I had already eaten during the day. Probably ate all of the calories I burned in my workout from this morning. Goddamn.
Monday, 25 February 2013
Day 33
Talk about a shift in perspective! When I wrote about the weekend this morning, I was feeling pretty negative, but now am feeling much better. The day went well; I didn't have to go to program until after lunch, but ate my breakfast and snack according to program times, and made lunch that would have been acceptable. In Nutrition Planning, we talked about food in the pantry. I spoke about how at home, there is a 'good' side and a 'bad' side of the cupboards. Same with the freezer too, I guess. I buy Luc candy quite a bit, any time he asks for it, or when I want an excuse to binge. He is good about having a few bites, and stopping when he's had enough. Which means I have a lot of candy and sugary stuff in the cupboard, which is generally off-limits for me, except when I was bingeing. Which I always felt awful about when I would binge on his Halloween candy, or Easter chocolate, or whatever was in there. (I know I'm not the only parent who has eaten their kids' candy, but I still feel guilty about it). I'm experiencing the same thing staying at Tony's house; he's got white bread, and peanut butter, and Nutella, and huge containers of salty cashews and nuts, which are 'bad', and I shouldn't be eating them. I don't know that he would mind if I asked him if I could eat it, but the few times that I have it's been during a binge. And I don't want that anymore. So I've decided that living with boys who don't care about calories means there will be 'bad' food in the cupboard, but that's okay. It can just be there. I can eat it if I want to, or not, but it doesn't have to be off-limits for me anymore. If I take the stigma away from the food, then it has less power over me. Peanut butter can just be peanut butter, and I can eat it, and that's fine.
The next group of the day was Emotional and Physical Relationships, although we didn't really talk much about that at all. Some of the girls were feeling quite stressed about going over their expected weight gain, and having to gain more weight on top of the for the next four weeks (so glad I don't have a weight requirement to stay in program, that would be far too stressful). The program wants everyone to reach a healthy BMI, around 20 - 22. The healthy range is 18.5 - 24.9, so this is totally normal. But for these girls, who were underweight, going from a BMI of 17 or less to more than 20 is really hard to accept (each point represents a 5 pound weight difference, so this means about a 20 pound weight gain, which is equivalent to the worst torture imaginable in the eyes of someone with an eating disorder). So anyway, the discussion is about where we find our voices in the struggle between making the eating disorder happy, and making the program happy. We've all had similar struggles, so particular issues we discussed were who decides what healthy looks like, whose choice it is to relinquish the scale to the dietician, and whose expectations are we living up to. I didn't say much at first, so when the therapist asked me how I was feeling, I spoke up about how difficult it was (is?) to live up to my own expectations. I spoke about the secret competition I had with Amy, about how I always felt like I had to be thinner and prettier to be completely better than her. Which I feel really guilty about. Why did I feel the need to always be better than her? Was it for attention? I don't need to be better than her, I am just different from her. If anything, she tried hard to be as different from me as she could. She was the one who was always being compared to me - I always felt like I was living in her shadow, but she had big shoes to fill, following in my footsteps. So she made darn sure to carve out her own path in life! I guess what I feel most guilty about is that in all the superficial competitiveness, I didn't really appreciate her for who she was. Now she's gone, I won the competition because I'm still alive. How awful is that? When she first died, a lot of people said that I would need to grieve the relationship I didn't have with my sister; I disagreed. Not so much now. A set of twins I have known since grade 2 are expecting babies within about 6 weeks of each other; when I first found out, I was really sad that I won't have that experience with my sister. Not that I thought it would ever happen, I am just sad that it won't.
Hmm, kind of got off on a tangent there. I told the group about my success with the scale yesterday - not waking Luc up and dragging him to the gym (or leaving him with Tony) so that I could find out how much I weighed was really a big step for me.
The next group of the day was Emotional and Physical Relationships, although we didn't really talk much about that at all. Some of the girls were feeling quite stressed about going over their expected weight gain, and having to gain more weight on top of the for the next four weeks (so glad I don't have a weight requirement to stay in program, that would be far too stressful). The program wants everyone to reach a healthy BMI, around 20 - 22. The healthy range is 18.5 - 24.9, so this is totally normal. But for these girls, who were underweight, going from a BMI of 17 or less to more than 20 is really hard to accept (each point represents a 5 pound weight difference, so this means about a 20 pound weight gain, which is equivalent to the worst torture imaginable in the eyes of someone with an eating disorder). So anyway, the discussion is about where we find our voices in the struggle between making the eating disorder happy, and making the program happy. We've all had similar struggles, so particular issues we discussed were who decides what healthy looks like, whose choice it is to relinquish the scale to the dietician, and whose expectations are we living up to. I didn't say much at first, so when the therapist asked me how I was feeling, I spoke up about how difficult it was (is?) to live up to my own expectations. I spoke about the secret competition I had with Amy, about how I always felt like I had to be thinner and prettier to be completely better than her. Which I feel really guilty about. Why did I feel the need to always be better than her? Was it for attention? I don't need to be better than her, I am just different from her. If anything, she tried hard to be as different from me as she could. She was the one who was always being compared to me - I always felt like I was living in her shadow, but she had big shoes to fill, following in my footsteps. So she made darn sure to carve out her own path in life! I guess what I feel most guilty about is that in all the superficial competitiveness, I didn't really appreciate her for who she was. Now she's gone, I won the competition because I'm still alive. How awful is that? When she first died, a lot of people said that I would need to grieve the relationship I didn't have with my sister; I disagreed. Not so much now. A set of twins I have known since grade 2 are expecting babies within about 6 weeks of each other; when I first found out, I was really sad that I won't have that experience with my sister. Not that I thought it would ever happen, I am just sad that it won't.
Hmm, kind of got off on a tangent there. I told the group about my success with the scale yesterday - not waking Luc up and dragging him to the gym (or leaving him with Tony) so that I could find out how much I weighed was really a big step for me.
The Weekend
Saturday went well, again it was mostly just Luc and I. Tony was out in the morning, so I worked out and showered, while Luc played on the iPad. I told Luc that there would be boundaries on device time over the weekend, he wasn't too pleased with that. He is so addicted to the iPad and my phone, and I want him to wait until after breakfast to play on the devices. And of course he argued with that.
We went to pick up the car in the afternoon; Luc and I went home afterward to feed Sylvester. The morning had gone well as far as following the meal plan - breakfast, followed by a workout, then a snack, and lunch. When we got home, I started snacking on candy that was on the table. I really need to get that out of the house. We could have stayed longer at home, but I needed to get out of there before I totally raided the cupboards for more candy. I had picked up an organic trail mix bar when we stopped at 7-11 for the post office, so I ate some of that before we stopped at the grocery store. I had to pick up stuff that I had forgotten the day before. Luc asked me for a Lego set while we were there. I am really having difficulty saying no to him. I had let him buy junk food at 7-11, and that was kind of triggering for me. I looked at buying some dark chocolate and mints to have on hand for cravings. They have been so bad lately, that trying to avoid the cravings altogether lead to that nasty binge on Thursday. I couldn't find the right mints, so I bought an 85% dark chocolate bar to eat at night.
We got through the grocery store fairly well, Luc was good about not asking for treats, but I did cave on the Lego set. Why he needs another set, I don't know, but I have so much trouble saying no to him. We went back to Tony's, cooked up some dinner, and then he went to a hockey game. So just Luc and I again. The evening went well though; we built some Lego, had a snack, and then watched tv. Luc was very snack-y as usual; I managed to stick with the apple, dark chocolate and rice cake that I had allowed for a snack. So that was a success.
Sunday morning I wanted to go to the gym, but realized that it was more to weigh myself than to actually do the spin class. Luc was sleeping when I was up and wanting to leave for the gym, so I decided to just do a workout DVD instead. Waking him up to go to the gym just so I could weigh myself (being quite sure that I gained weight this week anyway) would not really be productive. Had my snack, showered, ate lunch, then Luc and I left. I feel like I need to talk to Tony about how things are going; I am feeling insecure about how distant he was over the weekend, but I will talk to him before I talk about him on here.
We went to a friend's house for a bit before going to dinner at my parent's house. I could feel a headache coming on, which I thought was low blood sugar. I had a small snack at my friend's, but then ate quite a few chips at my parents'. I know it is okay to eat some chips on the weekend; it's not the end of the world, but I am feeling guilty about that. Dinner went well, I served myself, and stuck to proper portion sizes, I even ate broccoli and cauliflower with cheese sauce, rather than asking for it just plain. But as soon as I started putting it on my plate, E.D. jumped in with some judgement there. After dinner, my headache was stronger; definitely a migraine starting. I was feeling pretty sad looking at my sister's picture on the mantle; I have been struggling lately with some grief that I need to work on in some individual counseling sessions.
After I dropped Luc off at his dad's, I had to put some gas in my car, and bought some M&Ms. I had been thinking about buying some since dinner; I knew I didn't need them, and really shouldn't be eating them, but is it okay to want some once in awhile? I don't know. It's a slippery slope, and I have to be very careful about getting too close to the edge. Should have just bought the single serving pack, instead of the bag with 3 servings in it. Once I got to Tony's, I decided to have a healthy snack of dark chocolate and blueberries. It would have been fine without the M&Ms first. So I am not sure about how I feel about that. I know it's okay to have a treat once in awhile, but after Thursday's binge, Friday's emotional eating, and the chips before dinner, I feel like it was way too much. I want to be in much better shape for the summer, so this week was not a good start for that.
I'm not really sure what was behind all the over-eating this week; hormones, stress about finishing the program and my car needing so much work, emotions, I don't know. But I am not feeling so confident about going into the last week of program (it's definitely helped, but my problems are far from solved), so I'll just have to take it one day at a time.
We went to pick up the car in the afternoon; Luc and I went home afterward to feed Sylvester. The morning had gone well as far as following the meal plan - breakfast, followed by a workout, then a snack, and lunch. When we got home, I started snacking on candy that was on the table. I really need to get that out of the house. We could have stayed longer at home, but I needed to get out of there before I totally raided the cupboards for more candy. I had picked up an organic trail mix bar when we stopped at 7-11 for the post office, so I ate some of that before we stopped at the grocery store. I had to pick up stuff that I had forgotten the day before. Luc asked me for a Lego set while we were there. I am really having difficulty saying no to him. I had let him buy junk food at 7-11, and that was kind of triggering for me. I looked at buying some dark chocolate and mints to have on hand for cravings. They have been so bad lately, that trying to avoid the cravings altogether lead to that nasty binge on Thursday. I couldn't find the right mints, so I bought an 85% dark chocolate bar to eat at night.
We got through the grocery store fairly well, Luc was good about not asking for treats, but I did cave on the Lego set. Why he needs another set, I don't know, but I have so much trouble saying no to him. We went back to Tony's, cooked up some dinner, and then he went to a hockey game. So just Luc and I again. The evening went well though; we built some Lego, had a snack, and then watched tv. Luc was very snack-y as usual; I managed to stick with the apple, dark chocolate and rice cake that I had allowed for a snack. So that was a success.
Sunday morning I wanted to go to the gym, but realized that it was more to weigh myself than to actually do the spin class. Luc was sleeping when I was up and wanting to leave for the gym, so I decided to just do a workout DVD instead. Waking him up to go to the gym just so I could weigh myself (being quite sure that I gained weight this week anyway) would not really be productive. Had my snack, showered, ate lunch, then Luc and I left. I feel like I need to talk to Tony about how things are going; I am feeling insecure about how distant he was over the weekend, but I will talk to him before I talk about him on here.
We went to a friend's house for a bit before going to dinner at my parent's house. I could feel a headache coming on, which I thought was low blood sugar. I had a small snack at my friend's, but then ate quite a few chips at my parents'. I know it is okay to eat some chips on the weekend; it's not the end of the world, but I am feeling guilty about that. Dinner went well, I served myself, and stuck to proper portion sizes, I even ate broccoli and cauliflower with cheese sauce, rather than asking for it just plain. But as soon as I started putting it on my plate, E.D. jumped in with some judgement there. After dinner, my headache was stronger; definitely a migraine starting. I was feeling pretty sad looking at my sister's picture on the mantle; I have been struggling lately with some grief that I need to work on in some individual counseling sessions.
After I dropped Luc off at his dad's, I had to put some gas in my car, and bought some M&Ms. I had been thinking about buying some since dinner; I knew I didn't need them, and really shouldn't be eating them, but is it okay to want some once in awhile? I don't know. It's a slippery slope, and I have to be very careful about getting too close to the edge. Should have just bought the single serving pack, instead of the bag with 3 servings in it. Once I got to Tony's, I decided to have a healthy snack of dark chocolate and blueberries. It would have been fine without the M&Ms first. So I am not sure about how I feel about that. I know it's okay to have a treat once in awhile, but after Thursday's binge, Friday's emotional eating, and the chips before dinner, I feel like it was way too much. I want to be in much better shape for the summer, so this week was not a good start for that.
I'm not really sure what was behind all the over-eating this week; hormones, stress about finishing the program and my car needing so much work, emotions, I don't know. But I am not feeling so confident about going into the last week of program (it's definitely helped, but my problems are far from solved), so I'll just have to take it one day at a time.
Friday
I realized that yesterday I was so caught up in the excessive binge that I didn't even write about how the program went that day. I guess I was just so focused on what I ate that I couldn't even think about the sessions. We had another DBT session with Lana, and learned more about interpersonal effectiveness. We had learned a bit about this the week before, but it was a lot of information in a short amount of time, so not too much of it sunk in. This week, we learned about how we can ask for things from people, or say no, while preserving the relationship and our self-respect. It made me think a lot about how I am constantly asking Tony for things - can he support me, can Luc and I stay at his house, can we do this, can he do that for me; but also saying no to invitations to social events. I do enjoy staying in with Tony, but maybe I am getting too clingy and dependent on him, and should start spending more time with other people. Which brings me to Friday, which was another day off.
The day started out well; I got up at 8, ate breakfast, worked out and showered. Tony came home from work around 12. My car was in the shop today; it needed an oil change, plus a whole bunch of other work that I can't afford. I had to get Tony to drive me around to get Luc, and to go grocery shopping. He seemed to be okay with that, but was noticeably frustrated that evening when Luc kept making a Lego mess all over the table and losing pieces. I had asked Tony if he was okay with us staying with him for the weekend, because I am not quite sure I am ready to have Luc on my own at home yet. He didn't really say yes or no, and I could feel a bit of tension there. He went out for the evening, so it was just Luc and I for the night. I over-ate again, I was frustrated and emotional after talking with my Mum about my car - the car is in pretty bad shape because I haven't been maintaining it properly, and I can't afford a new one. Or to fix the one I have. Plus, my grandpa was in the hospital again for another TIA, so I am worried about him. So I ate white bread with peanut butter and nutella, mixed nuts, and popcorn. Not excessive, but after Thursday's binge, this was unacceptable. No purging, but still. This program is supposed to help me deal with strong emotions without turning to food, and it looks like I turned to food instead of support. So not too sure about how I feel about that.
The day started out well; I got up at 8, ate breakfast, worked out and showered. Tony came home from work around 12. My car was in the shop today; it needed an oil change, plus a whole bunch of other work that I can't afford. I had to get Tony to drive me around to get Luc, and to go grocery shopping. He seemed to be okay with that, but was noticeably frustrated that evening when Luc kept making a Lego mess all over the table and losing pieces. I had asked Tony if he was okay with us staying with him for the weekend, because I am not quite sure I am ready to have Luc on my own at home yet. He didn't really say yes or no, and I could feel a bit of tension there. He went out for the evening, so it was just Luc and I for the night. I over-ate again, I was frustrated and emotional after talking with my Mum about my car - the car is in pretty bad shape because I haven't been maintaining it properly, and I can't afford a new one. Or to fix the one I have. Plus, my grandpa was in the hospital again for another TIA, so I am worried about him. So I ate white bread with peanut butter and nutella, mixed nuts, and popcorn. Not excessive, but after Thursday's binge, this was unacceptable. No purging, but still. This program is supposed to help me deal with strong emotions without turning to food, and it looks like I turned to food instead of support. So not too sure about how I feel about that.
Friday, 22 February 2013
Day 32
Awful, awful, terrible day! I was so hungry when I woke up, I was craving food so badly. I had decided not to work out in the morning, since my hamstrings were still sore from Tuesday's workout. Bad idea. Should have gotten my lazy ass out of bed and just done it. As I was getting ready, I decided to eat some cashews and mixed nuts. I feel really guilty about this; it wasn't a huge binge, but was definitely a binge. It wasn't my food that I was bingeing on, so I feel bad about raiding Tony's cupboard and eating stuff that he bought. I am not sure if he would be upset with me for it, but I still feel gross about it. I tried to purge afterward, but didn't have a lot of time, so wasn't successful. On the way to program, I stopped for coffee, and bought a small bag of M&Ms. Just like in my coke days, I couldn't wait to rip open the bag and get my fix before even leaving the parking lot. It was the same rush I got back then, and every time I've relapsed over the last few years with food. Hate it.
At program, I got to pick my own snack, so I picked trail mix and yogurt. So much for not eating dairy. As I was eating, all I could think about was how I should have picked some cookies to eat. Even though I am sure the staff didn't think I was bingeing, it sure felt like it. I was supposed to bring my lunch today too, but forgot in my binge-haze from the morning. So I had to have a grilled cheese sandwich, along with the rest of the girls. It took me a bit of time to get my milk and veggies ready; by the time I sat down, I thought I only had 15 minutes to eat. So I chowed down as quickly as I could, totally feeling like I was bingeing. The other girls had a lot more food to eat than I did - they had a sandwich, soup, yogurt, fruit, veggies and dessert, so I felt unjustified complaining about eating a sandwich and veggies with hummus. But I still felt like I was bingeing. I was so full after lunch, the relaxation period before body image group was nice. I wanted to fall asleep. We watched Killing Us Softly 3, which is a great film about the media representation of women in advertising.
For afternoon snack, we got to go to the cafeteria. I chose a lemon-raspberry loaf, and cheese; quite an unusual snack for me. Usually, I pick a fruit cup and a granola square, but the dessert the girls had at lunch looked so good, I wanted something like that too.
After snack was over, the urge to binge was so strong. I waited for the girls to leave, then went back to the cafeteria to stock up on brownies, cookies, and diet coke. I had an appointment for a facial at 3:30, so waited until after to eat. I went home, stopped at Mac's on my way for some M&Ms. As soon as I got home, I started eating, and ate until I was finished. Then tried to purge. I guess it's been awhile, so I couldn't really do it. I didn't really try that hard either, but still. I was so full from eating so much, and just felt disgusting for doing it. I went over to Tony's after, and told him what I had done. He didn't get upset with me, which was what I was worried about. I wasn't going to eat dinner that night, but then decided I should eat the left-over shrimp pad thai from last night. It was really spicy, so I ate some yogurt afterward. Felt like a binge again. I guess I can accept the slip-up today, and get back on track tomorrow; I know that it is normal to relapse while in transition, but it is really disappointing, since I had been doing so well up until now with resisting cravings. I don't know if I was legitimately hungry this morning, or if it was because of hormones and "that time of the month" that I just couldn't keep the cravings at bay. I feel really gross about it. I wanted to work out that night, but the dermatologist had said that I shouldn't work out, since the sweat might interfere with the chemical treatment on my skin. So, tomorrow is my chance for redemption. I can eat a proper breakfast, workout, and eat well throughout the day. It is very tempting to tell myself just to not eat on Friday, but I know that is not the best idea. Too much restricting leads to bingeing, and I know that, it's just hard to stay on track with the meal plan after going over my calories so much today.
At program, I got to pick my own snack, so I picked trail mix and yogurt. So much for not eating dairy. As I was eating, all I could think about was how I should have picked some cookies to eat. Even though I am sure the staff didn't think I was bingeing, it sure felt like it. I was supposed to bring my lunch today too, but forgot in my binge-haze from the morning. So I had to have a grilled cheese sandwich, along with the rest of the girls. It took me a bit of time to get my milk and veggies ready; by the time I sat down, I thought I only had 15 minutes to eat. So I chowed down as quickly as I could, totally feeling like I was bingeing. The other girls had a lot more food to eat than I did - they had a sandwich, soup, yogurt, fruit, veggies and dessert, so I felt unjustified complaining about eating a sandwich and veggies with hummus. But I still felt like I was bingeing. I was so full after lunch, the relaxation period before body image group was nice. I wanted to fall asleep. We watched Killing Us Softly 3, which is a great film about the media representation of women in advertising.
For afternoon snack, we got to go to the cafeteria. I chose a lemon-raspberry loaf, and cheese; quite an unusual snack for me. Usually, I pick a fruit cup and a granola square, but the dessert the girls had at lunch looked so good, I wanted something like that too.
After snack was over, the urge to binge was so strong. I waited for the girls to leave, then went back to the cafeteria to stock up on brownies, cookies, and diet coke. I had an appointment for a facial at 3:30, so waited until after to eat. I went home, stopped at Mac's on my way for some M&Ms. As soon as I got home, I started eating, and ate until I was finished. Then tried to purge. I guess it's been awhile, so I couldn't really do it. I didn't really try that hard either, but still. I was so full from eating so much, and just felt disgusting for doing it. I went over to Tony's after, and told him what I had done. He didn't get upset with me, which was what I was worried about. I wasn't going to eat dinner that night, but then decided I should eat the left-over shrimp pad thai from last night. It was really spicy, so I ate some yogurt afterward. Felt like a binge again. I guess I can accept the slip-up today, and get back on track tomorrow; I know that it is normal to relapse while in transition, but it is really disappointing, since I had been doing so well up until now with resisting cravings. I don't know if I was legitimately hungry this morning, or if it was because of hormones and "that time of the month" that I just couldn't keep the cravings at bay. I feel really gross about it. I wanted to work out that night, but the dermatologist had said that I shouldn't work out, since the sweat might interfere with the chemical treatment on my skin. So, tomorrow is my chance for redemption. I can eat a proper breakfast, workout, and eat well throughout the day. It is very tempting to tell myself just to not eat on Friday, but I know that is not the best idea. Too much restricting leads to bingeing, and I know that, it's just hard to stay on track with the meal plan after going over my calories so much today.
Day 31
Wednesday. I was there for most of the day, I went in for breakfast, and stayed until the afternoon snack. Because it is a short week, we focused on weekend planning in the first group, rather than goal setting. This weekend, I will have Luc, and I need to start trying to spend time at home, which makes me nervous. I asked Tony if he will come over with me, just so we can spend some leisure time there, and he agreed. I explained that I am anxious because of relapse potential, and he was very supportive. I am very grateful that he has been so supportive going through this with me.
The nutrition processing group was interesting; this group is kind of like psychotherapy, but with respect to food. So no topic to focus on, we can bring whatever issue we have to the discussion. One of the new girls brought up her frustration with another group member. Could have been a blow-out, and there was quite a bit of tension in the room. The girls handled it fairly well, he facilitators jumped in whenever the discussion got too heated. It was a great opportunity to discuss trust within the group, and it is hard when there is tension between certain members. So hopefully over the next few weeks, those girls are able to work through the tension. It seems like things with the rest of the group are going well, so that's great.
Snacks and meals went well; I didn't have to bring anything, or make my own snacks, so that took a lot of pressure off. I did track my calories that night though; that was very triggering for me. Of course it was so many calories, I kind of freaked out about it. Tony ate some mixed nuts later that night, and I had a couple handfuls. I know it is okay to have snacks at night, and I think it was in moderation, but I still felt bad about eating. I've been doing so well with not eating at night, that it is hard to be okay with having a snack after dinner.
The nutrition processing group was interesting; this group is kind of like psychotherapy, but with respect to food. So no topic to focus on, we can bring whatever issue we have to the discussion. One of the new girls brought up her frustration with another group member. Could have been a blow-out, and there was quite a bit of tension in the room. The girls handled it fairly well, he facilitators jumped in whenever the discussion got too heated. It was a great opportunity to discuss trust within the group, and it is hard when there is tension between certain members. So hopefully over the next few weeks, those girls are able to work through the tension. It seems like things with the rest of the group are going well, so that's great.
Snacks and meals went well; I didn't have to bring anything, or make my own snacks, so that took a lot of pressure off. I did track my calories that night though; that was very triggering for me. Of course it was so many calories, I kind of freaked out about it. Tony ate some mixed nuts later that night, and I had a couple handfuls. I know it is okay to have snacks at night, and I think it was in moderation, but I still felt bad about eating. I've been doing so well with not eating at night, that it is hard to be okay with having a snack after dinner.
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