Just finished with psychotherapy, and I have to post this right now so I don't forget it. It was a great session. I brought up my mistrust of and reluctance to seek support from staff members, especially when it is offered to me. I am not sure what exactly my intention was by bringing this up; whether it was to work on the trust piece, or explore the difficulty in asking for support. Quite possibly a bit of both. After going checking in with all of the group members about what the facilitators could do to help, the two therapists chose to "just sit". This prompted the group members to jump in right away to take over and offer help. This was then pointed out to us; we were asked to consider what our roles are in the absence of facilitated settings. In real life, do we dive right in to help? Or do we sit back and wait for our turn to speak? Or wait for someone to call on us? It was so interesting! It was a little experiment created by the facilitators to challenge what we would do. In so many of these group settings, there are facilitators who lead us in a discussion, but in psychotherapy, it is supposed to be participant-directed. But even still, we tend to sit back and wait for them to say something, or to tell us what to do. This makes a lot of sense that they would just sit back - if I am telling them that I don't completely trust the staff, and then ask the staff for help, how can they possibly help me? In the words of one of the therapists "The only 'we vs them' that can exist is 'we' the staff and patients together versus the eating disorder. If I come here to dive into the ocean of feelings, and the staff are the lifeguards, then they can't possibly help me if I am too afraid or untrusting enough to dive in." Beautiful. Makes so much sense. From there, we discussed what help and support looks like to each of us. I had mentioned about how the other day before baking that the diet tech (Sharon) had asked me "What if we do something different" about baking the apple crisp, and that I had said "I didn't know I had the option to do something different". She didn't mean "why don't we bake something different", but "why don't we approach this in a different way?" Which parallels with something that was brought up at the beginning of the session today. I am afraid to ask the staff for support because I don't have complete control over what will happen. They might force me to go to a place that I am uncomfortable with, and
I might not like that. So it seems that for me, I want help from people only when I know they can
support me in the way that I want. On Tuesday night, I vented to Tony, who listened and made me laugh about the situation. Then I got online and posted on here to an anonymous audience (I generally know who is reading this, but venting on a blog is quite different from venting to a live person). So much to think about!! Time for lunch now, I'll be back in a few hours!
I forgot to follow up with this post. The rest of the day went well; in the building strengths session we explored things that we are ready to let go of, and how not letting go of certain things might impact recovery. I have to admit that I was falling asleep while working on the exercise, so I didn't get as much out of it as I could have. I'm not really sure what I am ready to let go of, but I think I need to put more time and thought into what I am not ready to let go of. Things like ideal weight and shape, perfectionism or food rules do get in the way of a complete recovery, but I am not willing to let go of these things. I really believe that I cannot live the healthy life I want, or achieve the ideal weight and shape without food rules. I need those rules to get to where I want. Eating whatever and whenever I want has given me a body that I am unhappy with, so if sacrificing sugar and bread gets me what I want, then so be it. I have learned to live without cigarettes and cocaine, I am quite sure I can live without sugar too.
Thursday, 31 January 2013
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
Day 17
Today wasn't too bad, especially compared to yesterday. I had an english muffin with peanut butter, and it was okay. I was worried about enjoy the flavour of it, so tried to just take my mind away from it. Goal setting group was good; my goal for the week is to acknowledge and talk through uncomfortable feelings in the groups at least twice over the next week. Following from my resistance to fully open up, I think this is a good goal to set. I don't have a problem talking openly with friends and family, but I think that I am not quite trusting the staff enough to provide the support and understanding that I want.
In nutrition education, we learned about mindfulness-based eating. I have done a little bit of research into the mindfulness-based eating awareness training program, but am not fully versed in what it entails. Basically, it is being present while you eat, and really experience the meal with all of your senses. So after discussing this, we had to do an activity revolving around experiencing different foods. We were given a try of different foods, that we were to touch, taste, smell and experience. There were things like vanilla extract, cinnamon, and lemon, but also cookies, chips, pop and marshmallows. I had a small taste of the cookie and chips, but was too nervous to try anything else. I could hear the battle going on inside my head - "Eat the cookie" "No, don't eat the cookie" "But I want it" "NO!!" Really not sure which voice was mine and which was the eating disorder, but it made me very nervous to have even tried the cookie. I would really like to find a way to dull my taste buds so that food will no longer be tasty or enjoyable. Too risky at this point.
I was feeling really full at the end of the night, we had to have pizza, so for whatever reason we are given one and a half mini pizzas. Plus salad and milk. Too much. That plus the wrap at lunch, and english muffin at breakfast - waaaay too much bread products today. So I went to the gym after program. Not so much to burn the calories, but to get in shape again. It was a good workout, but it is frustrating having to go so late. I like to workout in the morning, but I would have to get to the gym at 5 for it to work out. Mmm, I don't think so. I can't wait til the weeks that I am on transition and don't have to be in the program for the full day. Then I will have time to get stuff done and work out, and all that stuff. I'm about halfway right now, so only two more weeks til transition, and four weeks til I'm done. Can't wait!
In nutrition education, we learned about mindfulness-based eating. I have done a little bit of research into the mindfulness-based eating awareness training program, but am not fully versed in what it entails. Basically, it is being present while you eat, and really experience the meal with all of your senses. So after discussing this, we had to do an activity revolving around experiencing different foods. We were given a try of different foods, that we were to touch, taste, smell and experience. There were things like vanilla extract, cinnamon, and lemon, but also cookies, chips, pop and marshmallows. I had a small taste of the cookie and chips, but was too nervous to try anything else. I could hear the battle going on inside my head - "Eat the cookie" "No, don't eat the cookie" "But I want it" "NO!!" Really not sure which voice was mine and which was the eating disorder, but it made me very nervous to have even tried the cookie. I would really like to find a way to dull my taste buds so that food will no longer be tasty or enjoyable. Too risky at this point.
I was feeling really full at the end of the night, we had to have pizza, so for whatever reason we are given one and a half mini pizzas. Plus salad and milk. Too much. That plus the wrap at lunch, and english muffin at breakfast - waaaay too much bread products today. So I went to the gym after program. Not so much to burn the calories, but to get in shape again. It was a good workout, but it is frustrating having to go so late. I like to workout in the morning, but I would have to get to the gym at 5 for it to work out. Mmm, I don't think so. I can't wait til the weeks that I am on transition and don't have to be in the program for the full day. Then I will have time to get stuff done and work out, and all that stuff. I'm about halfway right now, so only two more weeks til transition, and four weeks til I'm done. Can't wait!
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Day 16, Part 2
That first post was just up until lunch, so here's the rest of the day. In psychotherapy, one of the girls spoke about relationships, and self-esteem, and how she doesn't like being emotional. Everything she said was exactly what I think all the time. She mentioned not feeling good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough to have someone who loves her for who she is, and treats her well. She keeps falling for the same guy who hurts her all the time. She doesn't like herself, so she doesn't think she's good enough for someone to treat her with respect and appreciate who she is. Wow, can I ever relate to that, except that now I've actually got a guy who treats me well, and loves me how I am, and I am questioning that. What does he see in me? Why would he be attracted to me? Is he going to realize that he can do better? Tony has been wonderful and so supportive, so I don't want to let too much "crazy" out, because that would be a huge turn-off. Isn't he going to see one day that he can do better? That he deserves more than an insecure, anxious and emotional girl who can't take care of herself?
So that discussion lead the therapist to ask us about our relationship dynamics. One of the other girls spoke about having volatile, crazy relationships with people who weren't good for her, because of the rush she got from crime or drugs. Eventually the relationships would end, either because of fights or arrests. She said that she would stay with guys that were bad for her, even when she knew it wasn't right, because she felt that if she was alone, she would engage in self-destructive behaviours. And of course, that reminded me of Amy, because that's exactly what she always did. Some discussion about where self-esteem comes from, and needing parents to 'see' you and care for you on top of that, and I was really fighting to hold the tears back. When the therapist asked me how I was feeling about all of this, I told her that I didn't want to talk about it. She said that while I'm in treatment, I have to talk about this stuff! Which I know, but it was hard. I had kind of tucked away the grief over Amy, so this session brought up a lot of sad feelings for me. Normally, I would binge and purge to get away from those feelings, but now that I can't do that, I need to learn how to feel these uncomfortable feelings. Grief, insecurity, worries over my relationship with Luc on top of the anxiety that was building over having to eat that apple crisp was too much to feel at one time, so that was difficult.
Then we had to eat. The apple crisp was so disgusting, I didn't even want to have to serve it to anyone. It was all mushy and juicy when I sliced it and dished it up. It didn't even smell good, and the blueberries had turned the apples purple. I was told to try to eat it, but I was so upset from the session that I had no appetite, especially not for something that I didn't want to eat. I cried while I was dishing it out, which was ridiculous, because who cries over serving and eating dessert? But that's not really why I was crying. I know the therapists and team members are there to support us, but I just did not feel comfortable talking about what I was feeling to anyone there. I just don't trust this program, and am really not ready to talk about how I actually feel to any of them. So I guess the hurdle I have to overcome is the fear/unwillingness to talk about and feel uncomfortable feelings. I guess I know this is just part of the treatment, but it is still hard. So anyway, I didn't eat the dessert. I had a few bites of it, but it was awful. So I had to drink some Ensure and talk about how I was feeling. I really wanted to leave, but stuck around because I knew I would get in trouble for ditching.
Before dinner, I found out another one of the girls has been sent home; not permanently, but for the rest of the week. She was starting to go back to school today, and had voiced her fear many times in sessions, but nothing seemed to help her or give her an answer to how she could feel better about having to go back to school. So over the weekend, she engaged in behaviours, she used alcohol and drugs, and over-dosed on Advil. Clearly, the girl is screaming for help. So what do they do? Take her down to emergency and try to get her admitted to mental health. Then they tell her she is being sent home on reflection for self-harming. WHAT?!?!?! So she needs help and they tell her to go home? I'm so upset at how this program is failing its patients. Apparently, if someone has suicidal thoughts or self-harms needs to be treated for the acute mental health issue, and put the eating disorder treatment on hold. She wasn't admitted to the mental health ward, because the staff there felt that she wasn't a danger to herself. So now she can't come back to program for the rest of the week, and she's terribly overwhelmed at the thought of having to go to school. She knows she can get away with doing behaviours when her dad is home, so she is feeling extremely hopeless. Her options are: go to school and be overwhelmed with anxiety, stay home alone during the day and binge/purge, or go to work with her dad because that is the only safe option. I can't believe how ridiculous this is. But it's policy-level bullshit that stops people from getting the real help they need. So at least this is a learning experience for when I open my wellness centre or private practice. I am learning everything not to do to successfully treat eating disorders or provide care when people need it.
So that discussion lead the therapist to ask us about our relationship dynamics. One of the other girls spoke about having volatile, crazy relationships with people who weren't good for her, because of the rush she got from crime or drugs. Eventually the relationships would end, either because of fights or arrests. She said that she would stay with guys that were bad for her, even when she knew it wasn't right, because she felt that if she was alone, she would engage in self-destructive behaviours. And of course, that reminded me of Amy, because that's exactly what she always did. Some discussion about where self-esteem comes from, and needing parents to 'see' you and care for you on top of that, and I was really fighting to hold the tears back. When the therapist asked me how I was feeling about all of this, I told her that I didn't want to talk about it. She said that while I'm in treatment, I have to talk about this stuff! Which I know, but it was hard. I had kind of tucked away the grief over Amy, so this session brought up a lot of sad feelings for me. Normally, I would binge and purge to get away from those feelings, but now that I can't do that, I need to learn how to feel these uncomfortable feelings. Grief, insecurity, worries over my relationship with Luc on top of the anxiety that was building over having to eat that apple crisp was too much to feel at one time, so that was difficult.
Then we had to eat. The apple crisp was so disgusting, I didn't even want to have to serve it to anyone. It was all mushy and juicy when I sliced it and dished it up. It didn't even smell good, and the blueberries had turned the apples purple. I was told to try to eat it, but I was so upset from the session that I had no appetite, especially not for something that I didn't want to eat. I cried while I was dishing it out, which was ridiculous, because who cries over serving and eating dessert? But that's not really why I was crying. I know the therapists and team members are there to support us, but I just did not feel comfortable talking about what I was feeling to anyone there. I just don't trust this program, and am really not ready to talk about how I actually feel to any of them. So I guess the hurdle I have to overcome is the fear/unwillingness to talk about and feel uncomfortable feelings. I guess I know this is just part of the treatment, but it is still hard. So anyway, I didn't eat the dessert. I had a few bites of it, but it was awful. So I had to drink some Ensure and talk about how I was feeling. I really wanted to leave, but stuck around because I knew I would get in trouble for ditching.
Before dinner, I found out another one of the girls has been sent home; not permanently, but for the rest of the week. She was starting to go back to school today, and had voiced her fear many times in sessions, but nothing seemed to help her or give her an answer to how she could feel better about having to go back to school. So over the weekend, she engaged in behaviours, she used alcohol and drugs, and over-dosed on Advil. Clearly, the girl is screaming for help. So what do they do? Take her down to emergency and try to get her admitted to mental health. Then they tell her she is being sent home on reflection for self-harming. WHAT?!?!?! So she needs help and they tell her to go home? I'm so upset at how this program is failing its patients. Apparently, if someone has suicidal thoughts or self-harms needs to be treated for the acute mental health issue, and put the eating disorder treatment on hold. She wasn't admitted to the mental health ward, because the staff there felt that she wasn't a danger to herself. So now she can't come back to program for the rest of the week, and she's terribly overwhelmed at the thought of having to go to school. She knows she can get away with doing behaviours when her dad is home, so she is feeling extremely hopeless. Her options are: go to school and be overwhelmed with anxiety, stay home alone during the day and binge/purge, or go to work with her dad because that is the only safe option. I can't believe how ridiculous this is. But it's policy-level bullshit that stops people from getting the real help they need. So at least this is a learning experience for when I open my wellness centre or private practice. I am learning everything not to do to successfully treat eating disorders or provide care when people need it.
Day 16
Just finished preparing the apple crisp for the afternoon snack. It's in the oven, and I am just dreading having to eat it. I had to have a conversation with the diet tech before making it, because I am having some "very strong emotions" around this stupid dessert. They keep telling me not to let it have so much power over me, but that's not what it is. I just don't want to eat it. It might as well be crawling with maggots, that's how disgusted I am about having to eat it. Preparing it wasn't too bad, the apples didn't smell too bad, so it wasn't too awful to have to cut them all up. But then dousing it with sugar and flour and butter. Yuck! I really, really don't want to eat this snack. To the point where I just want to leave right now. I could totally just grab my stuff and go right now, but then I know I will be in trouble, so I can't do that. They tell me that maybe I do something different - as in react differently, or think differently going in. No thank you, I have no interest in that. I would rather just not eat it. Since when does baking have to be part of normal life? I don't remember reading that in the ten commandments - Thou shall eat baked goods and enjoy them. Yeah, I don't think so. Baking does NOT have to be a part of my life. Last time I checked, seeking pleasure from food got me into this whole goddamn mess, so the last thing I want to do is be forced to eat stuff and enjoy it that I would really rather not eat. Eating baked goods isn't an evolutionary adaptation that benefits us in any way. There are no health benefits of eating white flour or sugar or butter. At least the apples are healthy, and there are some blueberries and pecans in it, but the thought of baked apples grosses me out.
Monday, 28 January 2013
Day 15 (Monday)
Back to program after the long weekend. The weekend went really well, I think, so I wasn't too concerned about the weigh-in. Until I got on the scale and saw that I was only down 0.4 of a pound since last week. 0.4!! WTF!?!?! I tried not to over-eat, I haven't binged, I exercised and everything and that's it?? I don't think going to the gym at 5 is such a crazy idea after all now after that. Fortunately for me, since I am not in weight restoration, I won't have to get weighed anymore, but I am in a state of distress over the lack of weight loss. Apparently I have lost weight since I started 3 weeks ago, but probably not much more than a pound. I'm pretty upset about this. I knew the food we have to eat isn't healthy. If it was, I should have lost a lot more than less than half a pound. Ugh.
We lost one of the girls today; she didn't make her weight, so was told to leave. Pretty stupid, I think. She's here to get help, and then because she didn't gain enough weight, she has to leave. So where is she supposed to get help? Since there is no other help in the city? This program is so ridiculous. I hate it. I'm so glad I only have 5 more weeks left. I don't know if I could take 12 weeks of their bullshit.
In the nutrition planning group, we had to do some role-playing of a situation we might encounter outside of the program. So we acted out a scene in the grocery store where I was shopping for healthy stuff, while my eating disorder (played by another girl) criticized and analyzed everything I picked up, and got louder and meaner, until I high-tailed it out of there. I was using a chair as the grocery cart, and I was rushing so much at the end that some of the items fell off and spilled. It was really funny, but I guess at the same time it wasn't, because we had acted out our reality of what it is like to go to the grocery store. This voice in the back of your head that tells you "Don't get that, look how much fat is in that", "Don't buy that, it's not healthy", "Put back that bread, fatty, what do you think you are doing?" and finally "Fuck all this healthy stuff, let's go get some chips, and M&Ms, and cookies, and pop, and then you don't need to eat tomorrow if you eat it all today". We laughed, but really, it's not that funny I guess.
I also got picked for the baking class tomorrow. I have to bake (and eat) an apple crisp. Anyone who knows me well is probably howling with laughter just reading this. I HATE apples, in any form, and in baked form is even worse. I am horrified, and disgusted at the thought of having to eat this tomorrow. I would gladly drink two bottles of Ensure to get out of eating this dessert tomorrow. It's so ironic that in a program that is designed to challenge my food issues, I would pick the one dessert that I completely despise, and gag just thinking about. I was going to ask to pick something different, but I thought that would be useless, because they know that apples are a challenge for me. I've eaten two since the start of the program, and I still don't really like them, but now I have to add sugar, and flour and butter to it?!?! What are these people trying to do to me? (I know how much I am catastrophizing this, but I am really freakin out. I couldn't even focus in the relationships group today because I had so much anxiety about baking tomorrow). Wish me luck!!
We lost one of the girls today; she didn't make her weight, so was told to leave. Pretty stupid, I think. She's here to get help, and then because she didn't gain enough weight, she has to leave. So where is she supposed to get help? Since there is no other help in the city? This program is so ridiculous. I hate it. I'm so glad I only have 5 more weeks left. I don't know if I could take 12 weeks of their bullshit.
In the nutrition planning group, we had to do some role-playing of a situation we might encounter outside of the program. So we acted out a scene in the grocery store where I was shopping for healthy stuff, while my eating disorder (played by another girl) criticized and analyzed everything I picked up, and got louder and meaner, until I high-tailed it out of there. I was using a chair as the grocery cart, and I was rushing so much at the end that some of the items fell off and spilled. It was really funny, but I guess at the same time it wasn't, because we had acted out our reality of what it is like to go to the grocery store. This voice in the back of your head that tells you "Don't get that, look how much fat is in that", "Don't buy that, it's not healthy", "Put back that bread, fatty, what do you think you are doing?" and finally "Fuck all this healthy stuff, let's go get some chips, and M&Ms, and cookies, and pop, and then you don't need to eat tomorrow if you eat it all today". We laughed, but really, it's not that funny I guess.
I also got picked for the baking class tomorrow. I have to bake (and eat) an apple crisp. Anyone who knows me well is probably howling with laughter just reading this. I HATE apples, in any form, and in baked form is even worse. I am horrified, and disgusted at the thought of having to eat this tomorrow. I would gladly drink two bottles of Ensure to get out of eating this dessert tomorrow. It's so ironic that in a program that is designed to challenge my food issues, I would pick the one dessert that I completely despise, and gag just thinking about. I was going to ask to pick something different, but I thought that would be useless, because they know that apples are a challenge for me. I've eaten two since the start of the program, and I still don't really like them, but now I have to add sugar, and flour and butter to it?!?! What are these people trying to do to me? (I know how much I am catastrophizing this, but I am really freakin out. I couldn't even focus in the relationships group today because I had so much anxiety about baking tomorrow). Wish me luck!!
The Weekend
Didn't have much time to post over the weekend, it ended up being quite a bit busier than I was hoping for. It went pretty well though food-wise, I tried to stick to my meal plan as much as I could throughout the days. Saturday night we went out for dinner with Tony's family to an Italian restaurant. The food was good, but I had a lot of anxiety over picking what to eat. There was no salad with grilled chicken on the menu, and I couldn't just order the mixed greens, although that was kind of what I wanted to eat. I did order that, but forgot to get the dressing on the side, so I didn't finish it. The bottom of the salad was kind of soggy because of all the dressing, so it wasn't very good. I decided to order a pizza with tomato sauce, basil, oregano and parmesan cheese. I really just wanted to order the plain pizza without cheese, but I know that that wouldn't be enough either. E.D. was very present at the restaurant. I had a small piece of the pizza and some of Tony's butternut squash ravioli. Then came dessert. And limoncello shooters. High, high anxiety there. I had a little bit of each, and then covered up the dessert with my napkin before I finished it.
On Sunday, I took Luc to a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese, where again, I was faced with eating pizza and cake. It was tough, but I got through it. Luckily there was a veggie platter as well, so at least I could balance out the high-carb, high-fat dinner.
I went to the gym on Saturday and Sunday; it was really nice to be back there. I really would like to start working it into my daily routine again, but the thought of getting up at 4:30 in the morning so I can get to the gym for 5am just seems ridiculous. Priorities, right?
On Sunday, I took Luc to a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese, where again, I was faced with eating pizza and cake. It was tough, but I got through it. Luckily there was a veggie platter as well, so at least I could balance out the high-carb, high-fat dinner.
I went to the gym on Saturday and Sunday; it was really nice to be back there. I really would like to start working it into my daily routine again, but the thought of getting up at 4:30 in the morning so I can get to the gym for 5am just seems ridiculous. Priorities, right?
Friday, 25 January 2013
Friday
We had the day off today; the program staff were doing professional development. Yay long weekend! I was a bit nervous about having an extra day off, but I had made up a meal plan and tried to keep the weekend relatively unplanned as far as tasks go. I usually tend to book up my weekends with hair appointments, workout sessions, social time and possibly house cleaning. I am realizing now that being so busy contributed to my eating disorder. I would be so overwhelmed with all the things I "had" to do, that I just avoided as much as I could so I could stay home and binge. It made me think a lot about the session we had this week on self-responsibility. I think what I need to do is make more time for myself, rather than putting other peoples' needs ahead of mine or Luc's. It will be hard to do, but I think I will try not to book up my weekends with responsibilities. Especially while I am in program it is important that I can have some time to relax and enjoy the weekend. All work and no play makes Steff go crazy, I guess. Especially while I am in the program I think it will be important to have time to relax on the weekend.
Today was a really good day! I had planned to go to the gym, but slept in; so I got up and had some breakfast. I had an appointment with Alberta Works to get some income support; apparently the university hadn't processed my withdrawal properly, so Student Aid was not contacted either, and they thought I was still an active student and receiving money. Alberta Works won't give any money unless Student Aid is not giving me any money, so I had to send back the cheques I had received from Student Aid. Hopefully they get them soon so that I can be approved for funding by Alberta Works. I got mad that they weren't able to help me right away; I knew I was supposed to send the cheque back early in the month, but I wanted to hold on to it just in case Alberta Works doesn't give me money. But they will not give any money until they know for sure that I have no money coming in. Stupid government, they need you to have no money until they will give you some money. Anyway, I was frustrated after the appointment, and then even more when I found out the withdrawal hadn't been processed and Student Aid hadn't been notified that I won't be cashing any cheques. Normally in a situation where I got mad or upset by something, I would go home and binge. I was taking Luc for lunch today, but I did have time in the afternoon. Usually I would be planning what to eat right away, but not today. I was annoyed, but all I did was make plans to be with a friend after I dropped Luc off, and went home to grab those cheques. Mailed them back today, took Luc to McDonald's, then met up with a good friend for coffee. I had no interest in bingeing or purging; I brought (healthy) snacks with me so that I wouldn't be tempted to buy junk, and it was a fantastic afternoon. I got through the uncomfortableness of dealing with Alberta Works and Student Aid without engaging in any behaviours. Not to be over-confident, but good for me!! That's the first time I've ever done that I think. Or at least first time in a long time!
Today was a really good day! I had planned to go to the gym, but slept in; so I got up and had some breakfast. I had an appointment with Alberta Works to get some income support; apparently the university hadn't processed my withdrawal properly, so Student Aid was not contacted either, and they thought I was still an active student and receiving money. Alberta Works won't give any money unless Student Aid is not giving me any money, so I had to send back the cheques I had received from Student Aid. Hopefully they get them soon so that I can be approved for funding by Alberta Works. I got mad that they weren't able to help me right away; I knew I was supposed to send the cheque back early in the month, but I wanted to hold on to it just in case Alberta Works doesn't give me money. But they will not give any money until they know for sure that I have no money coming in. Stupid government, they need you to have no money until they will give you some money. Anyway, I was frustrated after the appointment, and then even more when I found out the withdrawal hadn't been processed and Student Aid hadn't been notified that I won't be cashing any cheques. Normally in a situation where I got mad or upset by something, I would go home and binge. I was taking Luc for lunch today, but I did have time in the afternoon. Usually I would be planning what to eat right away, but not today. I was annoyed, but all I did was make plans to be with a friend after I dropped Luc off, and went home to grab those cheques. Mailed them back today, took Luc to McDonald's, then met up with a good friend for coffee. I had no interest in bingeing or purging; I brought (healthy) snacks with me so that I wouldn't be tempted to buy junk, and it was a fantastic afternoon. I got through the uncomfortableness of dealing with Alberta Works and Student Aid without engaging in any behaviours. Not to be over-confident, but good for me!! That's the first time I've ever done that I think. Or at least first time in a long time!
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