New Year's Day- A new day, a new year; time for a new post. I had intended to write yesterday, but didn't, so today will do. I feel as though I am starting the new year off in a slightly grumpy mood. Maybe because I had the flu a couple days ago, and am still getting back to normal. Maybe because I haven't been eating well; maybe because I haven't taken my meds; maybe because this new year's crap is so over-rated. I could write about all the things that I want to do better, all the ways I want to be better - same shit every year. Does it ever get any better? I don't know. As far as 2013 went, it wasn't the worst year ever. Not the best, but not the worst either. I had to withdraw from school to go to treatment; treatment was mildly successful; went back to school; got a couple of jobs that I like; spent more time with Luc in the second half of the year; hit a rocky patch in my relationship; did okay in school (could have been better, but wasn't bad considering I hardly went to any classes); bought a new car; now I'm broke; lost weight, gained weight.
I know I could wish for everything to be better, and honestly, that would be nice. But I do that every year, and I'm still not happy. Or, not happy like I would like to be. So, I think that instead of wishing for other things to make me happy, I need to start finding happiness in what I've already got. I saw a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of "We think we will find peace when everything falls into place; Find peace and everything will fall into place". I'm gonna say maybe it was Buddha or Ghandi who said this, and it is resonating strongly with me right now. I think that instead of waiting for better things to happen, I need be at peace with things the way they are. I suppose it's difficult, considering we live in a world of instant gratification, where we are taught that "life will be better once ______" I find the perfect man, I lose the weight, etc. But, Eastern thinking and mindfulness practice is growing in popularity in the West, so there is much to be learned about being present in each moment. It will be difficult; I tend to escape into fantasy thoughts, or worry thoughts when my mind is free to roam, but with time and practice, mindfulness will come. I am taking a yoga course starting tomorrow called Into the HeArt of Yoga - an immersion course to cover the philosophy, history, and variations of yoga, which I hope will help me learn to be present. Rather than being dissatisfied with what I have, and wanting more, I hope to learn to be satisfied with what I have. Find peace, and everything will fall into place. Of course, I still would like to lose weight, and find the perfect guy, and have more money, but I think for now, just focusing on the moment, and not worrying about the future will bring far more satisfaction than what I have been doing.
Recovery-wise, I had a relapse over Christmas; not really that surprising I guess. Between things with Tony and I, Christmas, Luc being gone, exams, etc. I guess I was under a fair bit of stress. I could have handled it better, I suppose, but a few nights of bingeing turned into a few days of purging, and then I ended up getting sick. So, I would like to leave ED in 2013; there is no need to continue on with these behaviours. Of course, easier said than done, but it's a work in progress.
Happy New Year everyone, all the best to you in 2014!
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
December 18
Since my last check-in, I have been bingeing a fair bit. Court stuff was settled between Antonio and Bianca, so Luc has been away since Friday night. This is the first time in a long time that I have been by myself, and it's been hard. I had good intentions to stay on track with my eating, but it hasn't gone quite as well as I hoped. I also ran out of meds, so I think once I get my prescription filled, then that will help. I don't even enjoy bingeing anymore, I guess I was just doing it out of habit. I really feel gross though. Bloated, dehydrated, fat. Why do I do this to myself?
As far as things with Tony are going, we've been talking lately, and it seems like he still wants to have some kind of relationship. I know that it can't go any further if he isn't interested in being a step-parent, so I don't know how things will turn out. I guess we can be friends, and see how things go.
Christmas is coming up next week, and that's probably another reason I've been bingeing. I really don't like Christmas, and I am not really looking forward to the family get togethers and all the food. But what else am I gonna do? Stay home by myself? That would be depressing, so I will just suck it up. I think it's just the idea of Christmas that I don't like- everyone is supposed to be happy, and right now I'm not. But dwelling on that isn't going to make it any better. I think the best thing I can do right now is just to focus on eating well, without dwelling on the bingeing I've done the last few days. What is done is done, I can only move forward from here. With that being said, I think it's time to go take a shower and start my day. As much as I am enjoying being lazy in bed, it is not productive. Happy Wednesday!
As far as things with Tony are going, we've been talking lately, and it seems like he still wants to have some kind of relationship. I know that it can't go any further if he isn't interested in being a step-parent, so I don't know how things will turn out. I guess we can be friends, and see how things go.
Christmas is coming up next week, and that's probably another reason I've been bingeing. I really don't like Christmas, and I am not really looking forward to the family get togethers and all the food. But what else am I gonna do? Stay home by myself? That would be depressing, so I will just suck it up. I think it's just the idea of Christmas that I don't like- everyone is supposed to be happy, and right now I'm not. But dwelling on that isn't going to make it any better. I think the best thing I can do right now is just to focus on eating well, without dwelling on the bingeing I've done the last few days. What is done is done, I can only move forward from here. With that being said, I think it's time to go take a shower and start my day. As much as I am enjoying being lazy in bed, it is not productive. Happy Wednesday!
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
December 10
Time to write out some feelings, rather than eating them. Well, things are definitely done with Tony and I; we talked again on Saturday, because I wanted him to join Luc and I for dinner. I thought it would be good if we met somewhere neutral, like at a restaurant, so that the three of us could spend time together. Plus, Luc doesn't like going to Tony's, and Tony doesn't like to come to my house. Everybody wins, right? Nope, I guess not. His response was "there's no point in us being together right now if Luc doesn't like going there". We talked, and basically it felt like he wants things to be different with Luc, but doesn't want to be involved in making the change. I had hoped that if we scaled things back and let him and Luc bond, then maybe over time, things would improve. Oh well, I guess. If he doesn't want to be Luc's step-dad, there is no point in trying.
So then, over the last week, I started talking to another guy, Andrew. A friend of a friend, good looking. Probably not a good idea to start dating again right away, but it's always nice when someone tells you they think you are hot. Especially when the feeling is mutual. So anyway, last night, Andrew posts something on my Facebook wall about "can't wait to see you", which I deleted so that no one would see. Like Tony. But, that didn't work out. He saw it. And he asked me about it. But what was worse, was that he didn't really seem that upset about it. Just said to "be careful, take care of yourself online". Now, before 7am, I had Andrew upset with me for deleting the post, and Tony probably thinking I was cheating on him. Not to mention another "friend" who suddenly starts texting me once I told him I was single again. FML.
So this stuff has got me thinking about expectations. I'm upset about things with Tony, but at the same time, I had been second guessing it anyway. I had been thinking maybe he was "the one", but then again, I seem to think every guy is "the one"- and then when it fizzles, I'm heartbroken more because of the loss of my "happily ever after" than the loss of the guy. I don't really think any of the guys that I have been "in love" with were "the one". New, hot guys that come along probably aren't "the one" either. So how do I move forward now in search of a romantic partnership that doesn't restart the fantasy of our life together? I think some soul searching is probably in need here, for sure. I think I know what I want in a man, and honestly, none of the guys I have dated or had serious relationships have had all of those things. So I settle for the first guy that comes along that shows interest in me, but that doesn't help. Keep my standards high and be very choosy? But then what if I never find "the one". Settle for Mr. Good-Enough? I'm not really happy with that though? Give up men altogether and just focus on Luc? That's making me miserable though. I want to find someone to share my life with, but maybe that's just a waste of time? From my history with men, they seem to just cause trouble for me (hello, ED), so maybe it's time to just take a step back and focus on myself. I definitely DO NOT want to fall back into old habits, and so far so good. I've been eating pretty clean lately, and am really happy with the way my arms are starting to shape up. But if I think about my history after break ups......but again, like my post a few weeks ago, if I expect certain things to happen, then they will. If I expect to get depressed and gain weight, then I will. If I expect that I can get through this like a champ, and focus on my self-care, then it doesn't have to be bad, right?
Anyway, I guess I just need to learn to make peace with myself, and not be in such a hurry to fall in love all the time. Maybe just keep my distance from men for awhile. Focus on myself, focus on Luc, and maybe everything will fall into place. If I expect that Luc will start listening to me and start behaving better, maybe he will right? I friggin hope so!
So then, over the last week, I started talking to another guy, Andrew. A friend of a friend, good looking. Probably not a good idea to start dating again right away, but it's always nice when someone tells you they think you are hot. Especially when the feeling is mutual. So anyway, last night, Andrew posts something on my Facebook wall about "can't wait to see you", which I deleted so that no one would see. Like Tony. But, that didn't work out. He saw it. And he asked me about it. But what was worse, was that he didn't really seem that upset about it. Just said to "be careful, take care of yourself online". Now, before 7am, I had Andrew upset with me for deleting the post, and Tony probably thinking I was cheating on him. Not to mention another "friend" who suddenly starts texting me once I told him I was single again. FML.
So this stuff has got me thinking about expectations. I'm upset about things with Tony, but at the same time, I had been second guessing it anyway. I had been thinking maybe he was "the one", but then again, I seem to think every guy is "the one"- and then when it fizzles, I'm heartbroken more because of the loss of my "happily ever after" than the loss of the guy. I don't really think any of the guys that I have been "in love" with were "the one". New, hot guys that come along probably aren't "the one" either. So how do I move forward now in search of a romantic partnership that doesn't restart the fantasy of our life together? I think some soul searching is probably in need here, for sure. I think I know what I want in a man, and honestly, none of the guys I have dated or had serious relationships have had all of those things. So I settle for the first guy that comes along that shows interest in me, but that doesn't help. Keep my standards high and be very choosy? But then what if I never find "the one". Settle for Mr. Good-Enough? I'm not really happy with that though? Give up men altogether and just focus on Luc? That's making me miserable though. I want to find someone to share my life with, but maybe that's just a waste of time? From my history with men, they seem to just cause trouble for me (hello, ED), so maybe it's time to just take a step back and focus on myself. I definitely DO NOT want to fall back into old habits, and so far so good. I've been eating pretty clean lately, and am really happy with the way my arms are starting to shape up. But if I think about my history after break ups......but again, like my post a few weeks ago, if I expect certain things to happen, then they will. If I expect to get depressed and gain weight, then I will. If I expect that I can get through this like a champ, and focus on my self-care, then it doesn't have to be bad, right?
Anyway, I guess I just need to learn to make peace with myself, and not be in such a hurry to fall in love all the time. Maybe just keep my distance from men for awhile. Focus on myself, focus on Luc, and maybe everything will fall into place. If I expect that Luc will start listening to me and start behaving better, maybe he will right? I friggin hope so!
Thursday, 5 December 2013
December 5
Update time again, really need to do this more often! Last time I checked in, I was struggling with hormone- and stress-related bingeing, which seems to be mostly in-check now, since, ahem, Aunt Flo stopped by. I intend to do some research into supplementation to help with this; I have heard that Vitamin B6 is good. Anyway, so I'm eating mostly healthy, I had a bit of a binge on Sunday night, but no purging in quite some time. So that's great.
On the relationship front, Tony and I had a big discussion about how things have been going, and so that has been tough for me. In the end, we decided to try to work on things- I need to work on my parenting and discipline, but have asked for his support. I would like him to be more involved with my life outside of our relationship- I want him to want to come out with me to things, and not always have a reason why he can't come. I understand that sometimes that things come up; he has a life too, and I respect that. But it feels like I really have to pressure him to spend time with me outside of his house, and I don't like that. At this point, we are still together, but haven't seen each other in nearly two weeks, so I guess we will see how things go over the holidays.
As far as Luc goes, I am still struggling with him. I let him stay home one day last week because "he was tired", and then the next day I was tired, so I let him stay home that day too. Then on Friday, he didn't want to go because it was only a half day. Then he missed school this past Tuesday because of the crappy roads. Now trying to get him up and dressed for school is really tough. I know it is irresponsible to let him stay home, and I regret the choices that I made. He is constantly complaining about how bored he is, but then refuses to do any school work, and is not interested in any activities. I took him to a parkour class a couple weeks ago, which he seemed to enjoy, but has since not been interested in going. In the new year, I definitely plan to get him into some activities; I know it will be good for him.
I took on another job too; in addition to school, Luc, hair styling, and the yoga studio. I must be crazy. But the new car that I bought is quite expensive, and I don't know that I will be able to afford it come January. The new job is at World Health, which has been somewhere I have been interested in working for quite some time. Goes well with my KNES degree, so that's good. The job title is "Fitness Coach", but I realized last night (my first shift) that that title is quite deceiving. It should be more like "Member Relations rep" or something. The job description is along the lines of "to host the party- build rapport with members, and specifically interact with high-risk members"- the ones who don't come to the gym that often and might end up cancelling their membership. So basically, I walk around and talk to people and get paid. Pretty sweet, except that I have to approach people in the gym, while they are working out, and talk to them. This is quite out of my comfort zone; I am good at talking to people when they come to me (i.e. I stay behind the desk and they come to me), but it is a lot scarier to have to go to them. I have been thinking about this quite a bit over the last 24 hours. On the job, I was thinking "I don't think I can do this, this is really scary". But then, I got thinking why? What is so scary about approaching people and talking to them? Usually this isn't something I do. Maybe once I've had a couple drinks in me, but I don't think that would go over so well at work. What am I afraid of? I realized last night that this job is hitting my deep-rooted fear of rejection that has been lurking inside of me for so long. It shouldn't be scary to approach people and say hi, but I am reminded of experiences in elementary school where I would ask my "friends" if I could sit with them, and would sometimes be told no. Then they would make fun of me, regardless of whether or not I could hear them. One experience in grade 5 was particularly traumatic for me, and I think it is probably why I am so terrified to approach people. The gist of the story is that I asked the kids who had recently been my friends if I could sit with them at lunch and play cards with them; they said no, so I sat at my desk and ate while the kids made fun of me by calling me a fat cow and other names. There was a girl that had come to sit with me, which was so kind of her, but I guess I was so focused on the mean kids and their cruel words that I found it difficult to focus on the positive. I can still remember leaving the classroom after lunch, going to find my sister, and then crying in the bathroom because I was so upset. Some girls from the other grade 5 class saw me in there, and felt bad for me; they invited me to sit with them during a movie their teacher was showing, instead of going back to my classroom. No friendships came out of that though; the next day I went back to my own classroom and accepted my place as the fat girl with braces that not many people liked. I don't know why, I wasn't mean to them; in fact, I desperately wanted them to like me, but I don't know why they didn't. I'm sure if I asked any of them now, they wouldn't even know why.
So I realized this morning that I am afraid to approach people because they might say "Eww, Fat Girl, get away from me. You are not welcome here" and then laugh at me as I walk away. I got through it last night, it was a bit awkward approaching people, but I found that if I walked around and smiled at people and/or said hi, the strangest thing would happen sometimes. Some people would smile back, some people would say hi, and some would even take off their headphones and talk to me! Shake my hand and everything! Oh my god! Some people weren't as chatty, but that's okay. Plus, I know it will take me a little while to get into my 'groove' of approaching people, and have thought about asking if I can hang out at the reception desk and greet people there first, rather than 'interrupting' them in their workout. So why am I letting something that happened 21 years ago (and I am cringing as I write this) affect me to this day?
Last night, Steve, the fitness manager who has been training me, made a comment about one of the 'high-risk' members that he approached to show me what to do, basically. Apparently, this woman used to come to the gym all the time, but doesn't anymore. She was a bit cold when he was talking to her, but she did chat briefly. After that, we went back to the desk and he commented about how she had her "bitch face" on - headphones on, on the treadmill closest to the wall, away from people, not making eye contact with anyone. Huh. That's how I workout. And I rarely ever had club members or staff members approaching me when I would work out, other than to ask if I was finished with whatever equipment I had been using. And at school, people don't readily approach me and talk to me either, because I come into the class, find a seat away in the third or fourth row, with at least one seat in between me and the next person. Then I put my glasses on (which kind of blocks my peripheral vision), and I look down at my paper, or check my phone, without really talking to anyone. I will say hi to people I have been forced to meet through group projects, and usually they are very nice. Do I go around most places with my "bitch face" on? Maybe? I am reminded of how people used to tell me all the time that "I thought you were a snob when I first met you, but you're actually really nice". It wasn't at all that I was a snob, it was that I was terrified to talk to them, or say the wrong thing, or do something that would make them not like me. And, as it turned out, they did like me! Once I opened up a bit. Which I do more quickly these days; I'm not nearly as awkward as I was 10 or 15 years ago. In one of my classes, we have to grade each other for a group presentation, and I am terrified of being graded poorly by these people. But why would they? Because I contributed ideas to the presentation? Because I wanted to have a speaking part in the presentation, and I helped contribute to the written background paper? Why would these people grade me poorly for this? Again, that fear of "Eww, Fat Girl. We don't like you." Which I am hoping is not true.
It seems like I still have some work to do on the confidence front, so I think this job will actually be perfect for me. Terrifying, maybe, but probably incredibly rewarding. I don't know where the quote comes from that's on most Lululemon tote bags, but it is resonating strongly with me today. "Do something every day that scares you". There are lots of things I am scared of, and that I avoid, because it's easier than taking the risk. But what's the big risk here? That someone might not say hi to me? Big frickin deal, honey. Get over it. Which is exactly what I plan to do.
On the relationship front, Tony and I had a big discussion about how things have been going, and so that has been tough for me. In the end, we decided to try to work on things- I need to work on my parenting and discipline, but have asked for his support. I would like him to be more involved with my life outside of our relationship- I want him to want to come out with me to things, and not always have a reason why he can't come. I understand that sometimes that things come up; he has a life too, and I respect that. But it feels like I really have to pressure him to spend time with me outside of his house, and I don't like that. At this point, we are still together, but haven't seen each other in nearly two weeks, so I guess we will see how things go over the holidays.
As far as Luc goes, I am still struggling with him. I let him stay home one day last week because "he was tired", and then the next day I was tired, so I let him stay home that day too. Then on Friday, he didn't want to go because it was only a half day. Then he missed school this past Tuesday because of the crappy roads. Now trying to get him up and dressed for school is really tough. I know it is irresponsible to let him stay home, and I regret the choices that I made. He is constantly complaining about how bored he is, but then refuses to do any school work, and is not interested in any activities. I took him to a parkour class a couple weeks ago, which he seemed to enjoy, but has since not been interested in going. In the new year, I definitely plan to get him into some activities; I know it will be good for him.
I took on another job too; in addition to school, Luc, hair styling, and the yoga studio. I must be crazy. But the new car that I bought is quite expensive, and I don't know that I will be able to afford it come January. The new job is at World Health, which has been somewhere I have been interested in working for quite some time. Goes well with my KNES degree, so that's good. The job title is "Fitness Coach", but I realized last night (my first shift) that that title is quite deceiving. It should be more like "Member Relations rep" or something. The job description is along the lines of "to host the party- build rapport with members, and specifically interact with high-risk members"- the ones who don't come to the gym that often and might end up cancelling their membership. So basically, I walk around and talk to people and get paid. Pretty sweet, except that I have to approach people in the gym, while they are working out, and talk to them. This is quite out of my comfort zone; I am good at talking to people when they come to me (i.e. I stay behind the desk and they come to me), but it is a lot scarier to have to go to them. I have been thinking about this quite a bit over the last 24 hours. On the job, I was thinking "I don't think I can do this, this is really scary". But then, I got thinking why? What is so scary about approaching people and talking to them? Usually this isn't something I do. Maybe once I've had a couple drinks in me, but I don't think that would go over so well at work. What am I afraid of? I realized last night that this job is hitting my deep-rooted fear of rejection that has been lurking inside of me for so long. It shouldn't be scary to approach people and say hi, but I am reminded of experiences in elementary school where I would ask my "friends" if I could sit with them, and would sometimes be told no. Then they would make fun of me, regardless of whether or not I could hear them. One experience in grade 5 was particularly traumatic for me, and I think it is probably why I am so terrified to approach people. The gist of the story is that I asked the kids who had recently been my friends if I could sit with them at lunch and play cards with them; they said no, so I sat at my desk and ate while the kids made fun of me by calling me a fat cow and other names. There was a girl that had come to sit with me, which was so kind of her, but I guess I was so focused on the mean kids and their cruel words that I found it difficult to focus on the positive. I can still remember leaving the classroom after lunch, going to find my sister, and then crying in the bathroom because I was so upset. Some girls from the other grade 5 class saw me in there, and felt bad for me; they invited me to sit with them during a movie their teacher was showing, instead of going back to my classroom. No friendships came out of that though; the next day I went back to my own classroom and accepted my place as the fat girl with braces that not many people liked. I don't know why, I wasn't mean to them; in fact, I desperately wanted them to like me, but I don't know why they didn't. I'm sure if I asked any of them now, they wouldn't even know why.
So I realized this morning that I am afraid to approach people because they might say "Eww, Fat Girl, get away from me. You are not welcome here" and then laugh at me as I walk away. I got through it last night, it was a bit awkward approaching people, but I found that if I walked around and smiled at people and/or said hi, the strangest thing would happen sometimes. Some people would smile back, some people would say hi, and some would even take off their headphones and talk to me! Shake my hand and everything! Oh my god! Some people weren't as chatty, but that's okay. Plus, I know it will take me a little while to get into my 'groove' of approaching people, and have thought about asking if I can hang out at the reception desk and greet people there first, rather than 'interrupting' them in their workout. So why am I letting something that happened 21 years ago (and I am cringing as I write this) affect me to this day?
Last night, Steve, the fitness manager who has been training me, made a comment about one of the 'high-risk' members that he approached to show me what to do, basically. Apparently, this woman used to come to the gym all the time, but doesn't anymore. She was a bit cold when he was talking to her, but she did chat briefly. After that, we went back to the desk and he commented about how she had her "bitch face" on - headphones on, on the treadmill closest to the wall, away from people, not making eye contact with anyone. Huh. That's how I workout. And I rarely ever had club members or staff members approaching me when I would work out, other than to ask if I was finished with whatever equipment I had been using. And at school, people don't readily approach me and talk to me either, because I come into the class, find a seat away in the third or fourth row, with at least one seat in between me and the next person. Then I put my glasses on (which kind of blocks my peripheral vision), and I look down at my paper, or check my phone, without really talking to anyone. I will say hi to people I have been forced to meet through group projects, and usually they are very nice. Do I go around most places with my "bitch face" on? Maybe? I am reminded of how people used to tell me all the time that "I thought you were a snob when I first met you, but you're actually really nice". It wasn't at all that I was a snob, it was that I was terrified to talk to them, or say the wrong thing, or do something that would make them not like me. And, as it turned out, they did like me! Once I opened up a bit. Which I do more quickly these days; I'm not nearly as awkward as I was 10 or 15 years ago. In one of my classes, we have to grade each other for a group presentation, and I am terrified of being graded poorly by these people. But why would they? Because I contributed ideas to the presentation? Because I wanted to have a speaking part in the presentation, and I helped contribute to the written background paper? Why would these people grade me poorly for this? Again, that fear of "Eww, Fat Girl. We don't like you." Which I am hoping is not true.
It seems like I still have some work to do on the confidence front, so I think this job will actually be perfect for me. Terrifying, maybe, but probably incredibly rewarding. I don't know where the quote comes from that's on most Lululemon tote bags, but it is resonating strongly with me today. "Do something every day that scares you". There are lots of things I am scared of, and that I avoid, because it's easier than taking the risk. But what's the big risk here? That someone might not say hi to me? Big frickin deal, honey. Get over it. Which is exactly what I plan to do.
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
November 26
Since my last check-in, I was doing fairly well. I seemed to have my eating under control, and I've been working out with heavy weights, and seeing some decent results. Last Thursday though, I had a craving for chocolate, so I thought I would 'mindfully indulge' in some M&Ms and Mini Eggs (the small bags, not the big ones I usually buy). Bad idea. That lead to 'needing' cheezies and more mini eggs, then some M&Ms, and more cheezies. I had plans that night to go out with friends from work; that didn't happen. I went home and binged, with intentions of purging afterward. I fell asleep before I could throw up, and so woke up the next day feeling absolutely disgusting. I can't actually remember the last time I purged; I think it was some time in September. Maybe October? I don't know, it's been awhile for sure. I actually threw out the toothbrush that I would use for purging; I guess that's a step in the right direction. Since then, I've been bingeing quite a bit, and feeling fat. I know 'that time of the month' is coming soon, and I always seem to turn into a [c]raving mad woman for a good 10 days before hand, with an insatiable appetite for carbs, carbs, and more carbs. Whatever. It is what it is, I guess. I just want to be done with this. I have been buying healthy groceries, and preparing meals to take to school with me, so that's good. But at night is really the problem. Luc is staying with me full-time now too; thanks to some accusations regarding inappropriate touching of Luc's 3-year-old sister, he can't stay with his dad for an undisclosed amount of time. So that has been stressful. He eats so much, then I eat what he is eating; I'm frustrated with his behaviour most of the time, it's just not really a good situation. And things with Tony are fizzling; he won't come over to my house to hang out, and Luc doesn't like going to his house, so I basically have seen him twice over the last two weeks. I like him, but I'm just not so sure anymore. Anyway, that's about it for now; I can't really think of anything important to add at the moment.
Monday, 25 November 2013
November 8
Check-in time again, should have done this sooner than later, but things have been pretty hectic lately. Between midterms, and school, and work, and Luc, and Tony, and exercise, and eating, and, and, and the list goes on. It's stressing me out. Like seriously. I need to be more organized. I need to be more in control. I need...some time to myself once in awhile!
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the fight Tony and I had back in September. During the week of my birthday, when I was feeling incredibly depressed about everything, he went from being quietly supportive to outright critical, and that was upsetting. The Sunday after my birthday, we had plans to go for dinner with my family in Okotoks. Tony and I had made tentative plans for during the day, but I ended up staying in bed until about 3pm. Not necessarily sleeping, just hanging out there, avoiding things. Tony thought I was going to come over to his house, and I was feeling frustrated about how there are so many people that ask/expect me to come to them, but don't reciprocate. I was feeling particularly sad about this when only two of my friends came out for my birthday, because I wanted to do a 5k walk for peace, instead of going out to the bar. That same weekend, I had about four different invites from people to go to their events, which I had said I would go to but then cancelled. Now, I suppose I can't complain about people not coming to my things if I don't go to theirs, but it seems like I am always the one doing the work- coming to their house, going to their events, Tony always wanting me at his house and never coming to mine, feeling like I exist to be Luc's personal servant, haircut clients asking me to come to them in my 'free time' for their convenience. I guess I just kind of snapped.
Anyway, so back to the Sunday dinner; Tony was mad at me for not coming over, and I was mad at him (and a lot of other people) for always expecting me to come to him. Why can't he come to my house once in awhile? Does he realize what a pain in the ass it is to live at two houses and haul my stuff all over the place? I am so ready to move in with him, but I am concerned for Luc. I don't think Luc is ready to move in with Tony (and I realize that it's my decision, not his, but the kid is seriously affected by his dad and step-mom's split, that I don't want to move him again just in case things don't work out. We fought the whole way out to Okotoks- he was basically telling me to grow up and quit being depressed, "just find a different way to deal with it" and I was mad at him for thinking this way. I even got thinking "Fine, I'll show you a different way of dealing with this, I'll just go home and take a bunch of pills, and wash it down with alcohol, and maybe even cut myself so that hopefully I'll die". Yeah, cuz that's a good idea. Not the first time I've had that idea (honestly, it's gone through my mind thousands of times since I was 15), but I'm ready for it to be the last time it goes through my mind. Because really, how is that helping? Who is that helping? Me? Maybe, not really. What about Luc, who would lose his mom? What about my parents, who would lose their other daughter barely a year later? Would that show Tony I was 'dealing with my issues another way'? No, not really. And what if I didn't die? Then I would have to explain myself to everyone, and I don't really want to have to do that. So needless to say, I didn't go home and take a bottle of pills, wash it down with some booze, or cut myself. I just went home with Tony, and have been thinking about the fight ever since.
So, as mad as I was at him for daring to suggest that my problems are all in my head, I started thinking about what if they are just all in my head? What if all this "knowing" that I am depressed, have an eating disorder, get more depressed every September, can't function properly, etc. is actually fueling why I 'am' these things? This isn't a new way of thinking, it's just simple cognitive behavioural therapy in action. Change the way you think, then change the way you are. It makes me think about when I read the first chapter of The Secret, I thought it was THE most cheesy thing ever; you can't just wish your way into a hot body, an awesome job, a sexy husband, and tons of money. Not happening. In the words of Britney, if you want a [insert desired outcome here], you gotta work, bitch! But what if my mindset is getting in my way? Yeah, I'm gonna have to work for the things I want, but the more I expect myself to fail, the more I actually will. If I expect myself to get depressed in September, then I probably will. If I expect to always gain weight after a short period of losing it, then I probably will. If I expect that I can accomplish my goals, stick to my plans, be more organized, then maybe I will?
So how is changing my mindset really gonna help me? I have had expectations of myself to be awesome and perfect and fit and sexy for years, but I still haven't accomplished it. So how can I make things different? How can I stop getting in my own way and get my shit together again? I believe this is possible, and acknowledge that it will take some work on my end. So here are my intentions on how I will achieve what I want. Realistically.
1. Deciding what it is that I want. Contemporary goal setting uses the SMART paradigm- goals should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. It's easy to say I want to be ripped like a fitness model, it's a whole other thing to actually be ripped like a fitness model. I have done all kinds of (unsuccessful) things in pursuit of this goal. All the fitness models I follow say the same things; plan, be prepared, organize, eat clean, work out, sleep well. All these great things that everyone should do. And I like the idea of these things, I just have a terrible time following through on them. Or do I? If I am changing my mindset, then I need to know that I can follow through on things. It'll take some work and planning, but I believe I can do it. So as far as achieving my goal, I will have to break down each of the things I need to do into their own, easily accomplish able goals.
So for example, planning. How can I set a goal to follow through on planning? The irony that I have to plan out how I am going to plan for things- but hey, I think more of us have this problem than we admit. I think a specific goal I can make here would relate to my daily schedule. I can plan out the activities and responsibilities I have each day, and then write it down on a visual schedule. Something easily accessible, that I can carry with me. I use my phone a lot, but I feel like a calendar or day planner might be better. Yes, I will have to take fifteen minutes out of my day to organize my schedule, but I think that's doable. So how about we start small. Every day for one week, I will take 15 minutes in the evening to write out my schedule for the next day, including meal preparation for the day, a workout plan, and consolidating errands and appointments as much as possible. Make up a daily To-Do list, and then crossing those things off each day. That seems easy enough, I think.
2. Maintaining the motivation to follow through on things. I saw a quote recently that said "Motivation is kind of like bathing. It doesn't last, so it is recommended daily". Very true. I repeatedly get myself worked up and excited over 'new ways' of being awesome, that last for about a week. So, how can I motivate myself daily to stick to my goals? How do I resist the temptations to be lazy, to skip a workout or class, to procrastinate on things, etc. Maybe by checking in with myself each morning on what it is that I want. And then actually doing that, instead of just intending to.
3. Participating in regular yoga and/or meditation sessions for grounding and mindfulness. Specifically, I will attend a kundalini yoga class every Sunday from 11:30-1, and practice vinyasa- or hatha-based yoga 3 times each week, whether at home or after work. And I will do this for one week, and then check in again. Realistically, I need to prioritize myself in all the craziness that I call life. Being a stress-case stressing over how little time I have and how much I have to do isn't helping. Taking time out each day (or four days a week) to be in the present moment might just be what I need to do. Again, it might be difficult for me to follow through on this, but as per the above, I will have to make time and prioritize myself.
4. Learn to say no once in awhile. "No, I can't cut your hair before noon, because I would like to do yoga or workout". "No, I can't come to your house, because I always go there. Why don't you come to my house?". "No, I can't work tonight because I need to focus on Luc". Saying no is hard, especially as a people-pleaser. The last thing I would want is to disappoint other people, so for years I have put myself (and Luc) second to cater to the needs/wants of others. But rather than just saying no to people, I will ask them to compromise and work with me. As far as hair appointments go, I have already started offering two or three 'hair days' where clients come to me, instead of me driving all over the city, sometimes multiple times per week. And so far, it seems like my clients are receptive to this. As far as work goes, I know that Luc needs help with school, so I won't work more than three times per week. This is fair, I think. I have learned over the years that I don't like it when people cross my boundaries, but they never know they have crossed them, because I give in all the time. I don't even know what my boundaries are until someone crosses something and upsets me.
That's all I have time for today, besides, this is enough stuff to work on for now. Check in with ya later!
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the fight Tony and I had back in September. During the week of my birthday, when I was feeling incredibly depressed about everything, he went from being quietly supportive to outright critical, and that was upsetting. The Sunday after my birthday, we had plans to go for dinner with my family in Okotoks. Tony and I had made tentative plans for during the day, but I ended up staying in bed until about 3pm. Not necessarily sleeping, just hanging out there, avoiding things. Tony thought I was going to come over to his house, and I was feeling frustrated about how there are so many people that ask/expect me to come to them, but don't reciprocate. I was feeling particularly sad about this when only two of my friends came out for my birthday, because I wanted to do a 5k walk for peace, instead of going out to the bar. That same weekend, I had about four different invites from people to go to their events, which I had said I would go to but then cancelled. Now, I suppose I can't complain about people not coming to my things if I don't go to theirs, but it seems like I am always the one doing the work- coming to their house, going to their events, Tony always wanting me at his house and never coming to mine, feeling like I exist to be Luc's personal servant, haircut clients asking me to come to them in my 'free time' for their convenience. I guess I just kind of snapped.
Anyway, so back to the Sunday dinner; Tony was mad at me for not coming over, and I was mad at him (and a lot of other people) for always expecting me to come to him. Why can't he come to my house once in awhile? Does he realize what a pain in the ass it is to live at two houses and haul my stuff all over the place? I am so ready to move in with him, but I am concerned for Luc. I don't think Luc is ready to move in with Tony (and I realize that it's my decision, not his, but the kid is seriously affected by his dad and step-mom's split, that I don't want to move him again just in case things don't work out. We fought the whole way out to Okotoks- he was basically telling me to grow up and quit being depressed, "just find a different way to deal with it" and I was mad at him for thinking this way. I even got thinking "Fine, I'll show you a different way of dealing with this, I'll just go home and take a bunch of pills, and wash it down with alcohol, and maybe even cut myself so that hopefully I'll die". Yeah, cuz that's a good idea. Not the first time I've had that idea (honestly, it's gone through my mind thousands of times since I was 15), but I'm ready for it to be the last time it goes through my mind. Because really, how is that helping? Who is that helping? Me? Maybe, not really. What about Luc, who would lose his mom? What about my parents, who would lose their other daughter barely a year later? Would that show Tony I was 'dealing with my issues another way'? No, not really. And what if I didn't die? Then I would have to explain myself to everyone, and I don't really want to have to do that. So needless to say, I didn't go home and take a bottle of pills, wash it down with some booze, or cut myself. I just went home with Tony, and have been thinking about the fight ever since.
So, as mad as I was at him for daring to suggest that my problems are all in my head, I started thinking about what if they are just all in my head? What if all this "knowing" that I am depressed, have an eating disorder, get more depressed every September, can't function properly, etc. is actually fueling why I 'am' these things? This isn't a new way of thinking, it's just simple cognitive behavioural therapy in action. Change the way you think, then change the way you are. It makes me think about when I read the first chapter of The Secret, I thought it was THE most cheesy thing ever; you can't just wish your way into a hot body, an awesome job, a sexy husband, and tons of money. Not happening. In the words of Britney, if you want a [insert desired outcome here], you gotta work, bitch! But what if my mindset is getting in my way? Yeah, I'm gonna have to work for the things I want, but the more I expect myself to fail, the more I actually will. If I expect myself to get depressed in September, then I probably will. If I expect to always gain weight after a short period of losing it, then I probably will. If I expect that I can accomplish my goals, stick to my plans, be more organized, then maybe I will?
So how is changing my mindset really gonna help me? I have had expectations of myself to be awesome and perfect and fit and sexy for years, but I still haven't accomplished it. So how can I make things different? How can I stop getting in my own way and get my shit together again? I believe this is possible, and acknowledge that it will take some work on my end. So here are my intentions on how I will achieve what I want. Realistically.
1. Deciding what it is that I want. Contemporary goal setting uses the SMART paradigm- goals should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. It's easy to say I want to be ripped like a fitness model, it's a whole other thing to actually be ripped like a fitness model. I have done all kinds of (unsuccessful) things in pursuit of this goal. All the fitness models I follow say the same things; plan, be prepared, organize, eat clean, work out, sleep well. All these great things that everyone should do. And I like the idea of these things, I just have a terrible time following through on them. Or do I? If I am changing my mindset, then I need to know that I can follow through on things. It'll take some work and planning, but I believe I can do it. So as far as achieving my goal, I will have to break down each of the things I need to do into their own, easily accomplish able goals.
So for example, planning. How can I set a goal to follow through on planning? The irony that I have to plan out how I am going to plan for things- but hey, I think more of us have this problem than we admit. I think a specific goal I can make here would relate to my daily schedule. I can plan out the activities and responsibilities I have each day, and then write it down on a visual schedule. Something easily accessible, that I can carry with me. I use my phone a lot, but I feel like a calendar or day planner might be better. Yes, I will have to take fifteen minutes out of my day to organize my schedule, but I think that's doable. So how about we start small. Every day for one week, I will take 15 minutes in the evening to write out my schedule for the next day, including meal preparation for the day, a workout plan, and consolidating errands and appointments as much as possible. Make up a daily To-Do list, and then crossing those things off each day. That seems easy enough, I think.
2. Maintaining the motivation to follow through on things. I saw a quote recently that said "Motivation is kind of like bathing. It doesn't last, so it is recommended daily". Very true. I repeatedly get myself worked up and excited over 'new ways' of being awesome, that last for about a week. So, how can I motivate myself daily to stick to my goals? How do I resist the temptations to be lazy, to skip a workout or class, to procrastinate on things, etc. Maybe by checking in with myself each morning on what it is that I want. And then actually doing that, instead of just intending to.
3. Participating in regular yoga and/or meditation sessions for grounding and mindfulness. Specifically, I will attend a kundalini yoga class every Sunday from 11:30-1, and practice vinyasa- or hatha-based yoga 3 times each week, whether at home or after work. And I will do this for one week, and then check in again. Realistically, I need to prioritize myself in all the craziness that I call life. Being a stress-case stressing over how little time I have and how much I have to do isn't helping. Taking time out each day (or four days a week) to be in the present moment might just be what I need to do. Again, it might be difficult for me to follow through on this, but as per the above, I will have to make time and prioritize myself.
4. Learn to say no once in awhile. "No, I can't cut your hair before noon, because I would like to do yoga or workout". "No, I can't come to your house, because I always go there. Why don't you come to my house?". "No, I can't work tonight because I need to focus on Luc". Saying no is hard, especially as a people-pleaser. The last thing I would want is to disappoint other people, so for years I have put myself (and Luc) second to cater to the needs/wants of others. But rather than just saying no to people, I will ask them to compromise and work with me. As far as hair appointments go, I have already started offering two or three 'hair days' where clients come to me, instead of me driving all over the city, sometimes multiple times per week. And so far, it seems like my clients are receptive to this. As far as work goes, I know that Luc needs help with school, so I won't work more than three times per week. This is fair, I think. I have learned over the years that I don't like it when people cross my boundaries, but they never know they have crossed them, because I give in all the time. I don't even know what my boundaries are until someone crosses something and upsets me.
That's all I have time for today, besides, this is enough stuff to work on for now. Check in with ya later!
Thursday, 24 October 2013
October 24
Well, it's been about 6 months since the last time I checked in here, so I feel like it's time to start posting again regularly. Whether or not anyone reads it, I just need support because things have slipped downhill quite a bit since the last time I posted. In the same way that the last few years have gone, I don't know what it is about August/September that just get me so depressed! Faaack. It's so frustrating. I'll start off with a run-through of the summer as an update, and then I'll get into that stuff later.
Since the last time I posted, I got a job working at the yoga studio I have been practicing at for awhile, and the job is awesome. I get to hang out with really awesome yoga instructors, I get free unlimited yoga, and I get paid! I made a solid effort to attend a class at least every second day through April, May and June, and I think that was really good for my health and mental well-being. I was taking a course at U of C again, and that was okay (more on that later). However, in June, Antonio and Bianca split up, they went their separate ways, and I lost my free and awesome childcare. I withdrew from the summer course I was going to take, and started bringing Luc to work with me. There is a childcare room there, so we would bring the iPad and laptop for Luc to play with when there weren't other kids, and brought him lots of snacks so I wasn't constantly having to go out and buy food for him. For the most part, it worked fairly well, although he would get whiny at times, and it was very frustrating to have to deal with him when I am also helping customers. Luc was with me for most of the summer, and that was okay, except for bedtimes. We got into the same bad routine of him staying up later than he should be, eating lots of snacks and things before bed, and then having issues with sleep and waking. Once school started again, I convinced Antonio that Luc had to spend school nights at his place, because I can't handle Luc arguing with me about bedtime, and then not waking up when he has school. It stresses me out too much.
For the majority of the spring and summer, my focus was completely on my body and losing weight, as usual, but this time was different. I had started doing a new exercise program in March, but then got serious about the diet, and the weight just fell off. I lost about 15 pounds over the summer, and everyone was telling me how skinny I was, how good I was looking, and commenting on the weight loss. It. Was. Amazing. Except that to lose the weight, I wasn't really eating that much. When I wasn't eating, I was thinking about what I was (not) going to eat next, researching 'tips' on pro-ana websites, and doing various things to curb my appetite including taking pills, excessive caffeine and smoking cigarettes. Yes, cigarettes. I'm as ashamed and disgusted to admit it as you are to read it. But I did it, and it worked, but not without Luc and Tony getting upset with me for smoking behind their backs. I figured since bingeing and purging will probably kill me eventually, and smoking might kill me eventually, which one is the lesser of two evils? One that makes me hate myself and get fat/not lose weight or one that makes me hate myself and lose weight? Yep, the logic is flawed, but I am aware of that. I ended up skipping a lot of my spring classes too, and actually failed the final exam, because my brain was so focused on exercising, losing weight, and meal planning that I couldn't focus on what I needed to learn. Fortunately I passed the course, thanks to acing the lab exams, but still. How did I go from 94% to 40% in the same class?
After the course ended, then I had more time to focus on my body, and continued restricting my diet, although I would binge at night if Luc was around. Sometimes I would purge too, sometimes I could get away with just not eating much the next day and would still lose weight. I wanted to get to 118 - which would be 50lbs down from my highest weight ever in 2011. I got to 128, which is great. I was happy with that. And then the anniversary of Amy's passing came and went, along with another round of bingeing and depression. The day of the anniversary was hard, I am quite a bit more emotional about her passing now than I was when it all first happened. I think that's normal though. I started eating on my way back to Calgary after the memorial service we had at the cemetery on Aug 31 (after getting tons of compliments about how good I was looking), and I haven't been able to stop.
Tony and I went to Whistler for a week; that was amazing! Although, I drank quite a bit while we were there, so that lead to some very bad decisions about what to eat. I would start out well, eating healthily, then as soon as we would go to a restaurant to eat, all I wanted was bread, and cheese, and cocktails - all those things that I usually won't let myself have (if I can avoid it), because I have no willpower to consume these things in moderation. I tried to change my thinking about the situation - "I'm on holiday, I deserve this". Bullshit! Because now I can't stop. I let go of the short-lived tight control over what goes into my mouth, and the cravings have come back with a vengeance.
So, home from Whistler, back to the reality of every day life. Going to school, going to work, my student loans being ridiculously delayed, my birthday- all these things hit me like a ton of bricks and I am really struggling. I keep attempting to eat well and exercise, but get derailed by various things. Even going to school is difficult - I should be more than psyched to get to school and learn about my favorite things (exercise and nutrition!), but I can hardly drag my ass out of bed most days. Luc is really struggling in school - yes, I know he plays too many video games and I need to be stricter with him, but I honestly think he is struggling with the break-up and the change that went along with it. He seems like he is mopey and depressed too, so I think he needs psychological/psychiatric attention. Sooner than later. What has been really frustrating in all of this is that now Tony and I have been fighting a lot - he thinks mental illness is bullshit and that "People should just grow up and learn to deal with it". Are you fucking kidding me? You think I LIKE this??? You think I have been purposely been putting myself through this hell for the last few years? If it were as easy as just changing my mindset and 'dealing with things differently', then I would have done that a long fucking time ago. I believe that eating well, exercising, practicing yoga and monitoring my mental well-being will work to get me through this, but why can't I do it on my own? Am I making excuses? Am I not trying hard enough?
This got me thinking about how things have gone over the last ten years. I really feel like I've regressed mentally and emotionally to how I was when I was 17 - 20. Of course the situations are different, but there are a lot of similarities. Dealing with grief, addiction, really bad spending habits. I was more of a grown-up when I was 25 than I am now. I was on a roll after Antonio and I split up - looking after my finances, budgeting, taking care of Luc, keeping my house clean, doing really well in school. Since Matt though, it's all fallen apart again. Grief, the eating disorder, really bad spending habits (thank you paypal and online shopping!). Although I would say that the relationship between Luc and I is dysfunctional and probably even abusive, so I think that contributes to my (lack of) mental health these days. I can't blame it all on one abusive relationship, there are definitely more things that triggered all of this.
So anyway, there's my confession. I'm not doing well at ALL these days. I keep eating so much that I have gained back ten pounds of what I lost, and it is so difficult to force myself to work out or eat right. I haven't been purging that much, which I guess is good, but seeing the weight come back on is difficult. And I know that being on a restrictive diet for any period of time will inevitably result in bingeing. Yes, I know in theory that taking my pills, taking care of my health, going to school - all these things are good for me, so why am I having such a hard time following through on any of it? I don't think I want to go back to the ED program, they didn't really help me before, so why would it be any better now? But I have to do something about this, I don't think I can take it for very much longer.....
Since the last time I posted, I got a job working at the yoga studio I have been practicing at for awhile, and the job is awesome. I get to hang out with really awesome yoga instructors, I get free unlimited yoga, and I get paid! I made a solid effort to attend a class at least every second day through April, May and June, and I think that was really good for my health and mental well-being. I was taking a course at U of C again, and that was okay (more on that later). However, in June, Antonio and Bianca split up, they went their separate ways, and I lost my free and awesome childcare. I withdrew from the summer course I was going to take, and started bringing Luc to work with me. There is a childcare room there, so we would bring the iPad and laptop for Luc to play with when there weren't other kids, and brought him lots of snacks so I wasn't constantly having to go out and buy food for him. For the most part, it worked fairly well, although he would get whiny at times, and it was very frustrating to have to deal with him when I am also helping customers. Luc was with me for most of the summer, and that was okay, except for bedtimes. We got into the same bad routine of him staying up later than he should be, eating lots of snacks and things before bed, and then having issues with sleep and waking. Once school started again, I convinced Antonio that Luc had to spend school nights at his place, because I can't handle Luc arguing with me about bedtime, and then not waking up when he has school. It stresses me out too much.
For the majority of the spring and summer, my focus was completely on my body and losing weight, as usual, but this time was different. I had started doing a new exercise program in March, but then got serious about the diet, and the weight just fell off. I lost about 15 pounds over the summer, and everyone was telling me how skinny I was, how good I was looking, and commenting on the weight loss. It. Was. Amazing. Except that to lose the weight, I wasn't really eating that much. When I wasn't eating, I was thinking about what I was (not) going to eat next, researching 'tips' on pro-ana websites, and doing various things to curb my appetite including taking pills, excessive caffeine and smoking cigarettes. Yes, cigarettes. I'm as ashamed and disgusted to admit it as you are to read it. But I did it, and it worked, but not without Luc and Tony getting upset with me for smoking behind their backs. I figured since bingeing and purging will probably kill me eventually, and smoking might kill me eventually, which one is the lesser of two evils? One that makes me hate myself and get fat/not lose weight or one that makes me hate myself and lose weight? Yep, the logic is flawed, but I am aware of that. I ended up skipping a lot of my spring classes too, and actually failed the final exam, because my brain was so focused on exercising, losing weight, and meal planning that I couldn't focus on what I needed to learn. Fortunately I passed the course, thanks to acing the lab exams, but still. How did I go from 94% to 40% in the same class?
After the course ended, then I had more time to focus on my body, and continued restricting my diet, although I would binge at night if Luc was around. Sometimes I would purge too, sometimes I could get away with just not eating much the next day and would still lose weight. I wanted to get to 118 - which would be 50lbs down from my highest weight ever in 2011. I got to 128, which is great. I was happy with that. And then the anniversary of Amy's passing came and went, along with another round of bingeing and depression. The day of the anniversary was hard, I am quite a bit more emotional about her passing now than I was when it all first happened. I think that's normal though. I started eating on my way back to Calgary after the memorial service we had at the cemetery on Aug 31 (after getting tons of compliments about how good I was looking), and I haven't been able to stop.
Tony and I went to Whistler for a week; that was amazing! Although, I drank quite a bit while we were there, so that lead to some very bad decisions about what to eat. I would start out well, eating healthily, then as soon as we would go to a restaurant to eat, all I wanted was bread, and cheese, and cocktails - all those things that I usually won't let myself have (if I can avoid it), because I have no willpower to consume these things in moderation. I tried to change my thinking about the situation - "I'm on holiday, I deserve this". Bullshit! Because now I can't stop. I let go of the short-lived tight control over what goes into my mouth, and the cravings have come back with a vengeance.
So, home from Whistler, back to the reality of every day life. Going to school, going to work, my student loans being ridiculously delayed, my birthday- all these things hit me like a ton of bricks and I am really struggling. I keep attempting to eat well and exercise, but get derailed by various things. Even going to school is difficult - I should be more than psyched to get to school and learn about my favorite things (exercise and nutrition!), but I can hardly drag my ass out of bed most days. Luc is really struggling in school - yes, I know he plays too many video games and I need to be stricter with him, but I honestly think he is struggling with the break-up and the change that went along with it. He seems like he is mopey and depressed too, so I think he needs psychological/psychiatric attention. Sooner than later. What has been really frustrating in all of this is that now Tony and I have been fighting a lot - he thinks mental illness is bullshit and that "People should just grow up and learn to deal with it". Are you fucking kidding me? You think I LIKE this??? You think I have been purposely been putting myself through this hell for the last few years? If it were as easy as just changing my mindset and 'dealing with things differently', then I would have done that a long fucking time ago. I believe that eating well, exercising, practicing yoga and monitoring my mental well-being will work to get me through this, but why can't I do it on my own? Am I making excuses? Am I not trying hard enough?
This got me thinking about how things have gone over the last ten years. I really feel like I've regressed mentally and emotionally to how I was when I was 17 - 20. Of course the situations are different, but there are a lot of similarities. Dealing with grief, addiction, really bad spending habits. I was more of a grown-up when I was 25 than I am now. I was on a roll after Antonio and I split up - looking after my finances, budgeting, taking care of Luc, keeping my house clean, doing really well in school. Since Matt though, it's all fallen apart again. Grief, the eating disorder, really bad spending habits (thank you paypal and online shopping!). Although I would say that the relationship between Luc and I is dysfunctional and probably even abusive, so I think that contributes to my (lack of) mental health these days. I can't blame it all on one abusive relationship, there are definitely more things that triggered all of this.
So anyway, there's my confession. I'm not doing well at ALL these days. I keep eating so much that I have gained back ten pounds of what I lost, and it is so difficult to force myself to work out or eat right. I haven't been purging that much, which I guess is good, but seeing the weight come back on is difficult. And I know that being on a restrictive diet for any period of time will inevitably result in bingeing. Yes, I know in theory that taking my pills, taking care of my health, going to school - all these things are good for me, so why am I having such a hard time following through on any of it? I don't think I want to go back to the ED program, they didn't really help me before, so why would it be any better now? But I have to do something about this, I don't think I can take it for very much longer.....
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