I am finishing this blog after a few months of neglect. My journey to recovery is nowhere near complete, but I have been doing a lot of learning and thinking about where I am in this moment, and how I can apply this knowledge to create positive changes. I started this blog to document my experience of eating disorder treatment, and how I was going to get through it. I went to treatment, I went to 12-step programs. I went to yoga classes and listened to webinars, but then I just went back to how things were before. I have realized that I have been holding myself back from rising above that which I think holds me back. I stopped blogging because I felt that I was falling back or detouring from the path to recovery, and I am ready to be done with that. I can't change what happened, but I can accept it as it is, and move on from it. You can follow me on that new journey here www.livewellwithsteff.blogspot.com.
But for those of you who followed me on my journey, I feel like I need to fill you in on how things have gone since I fell off my intention to post daily. I quickly got back into a cycle of bingeing and purging, which was then followed up by intense restricting. The yoga immersion was amazing, but it was definitely triggering. It brought up a lot of those things that I thought I had worked on in treatment, that maybe I wasn't quite done with yet. I have been thinking a lot about my mindset in treatment, and the disease model of treatment. While I do believe that addiction is a disease, I wonder about the impact of considering oneself to be sick. Am I sick because I have a disease? Or do I continue to have a disease because I think I am sick? Through watching various webinars from yoga teachers, and observing those around me who are also suffering, I have started to question how much power the mind has over our state of wellness. If I think that I am on a journey to recovery, what does that mean? What does recovery mean? Abstaining from those behaviours? A recovered alcoholic is one who no longer drinks, but does that necessarily mean they are fully recovered? I have found it extremely hard to abstain from certain foods, thoughts, and behaviours, so this is why I am shifting my focus. But, I digress.
Between bingeing and purging, restricting and exercising, my weight has shifted a little bit- I lost ten pounds then gained it back. My school work suffered- yet another semester where I was completely caught up in what I was eating and not on what I needed to be doing. I struggled with thoughts about what I would like my body to be- I went back and forth between wanting a fit, healthy body, and wanting a skinny, emaciated body. I read books about recovered anorexics to pick up tricks. I tried fasts and ketogenic diets in an effort to lose weight quickly. I set a goal of losing 30 pounds in three months. All of these ended in "failure" and negative self-talk, for not achieving these unrealistic goals I had set for myself.
I've come to realize that I no longer want to live like this. I want to be more than recovered, I want to be healthy. Food should be my medicine, not my drug. So, I am choosing to close the door on recovery, and start a new journey to wellness.
Friday, 23 May 2014
Wednesday, 8 January 2014
January 8, 2014
I just wanted to check in about how things are going. Since the last time I posted, I had two more days in the immersion, and I would like to reflect on that here. In the sessions, we worked on dyads, which are two-person conversations where one person speaks, and the other person listens while only responding with the words "Thank you" after the speaker is finished. Specific questions are poised, and speaking can be very difficult, emotional, therapeutic. The questions can be very deep, and force you to sometimes go to a place you are not always willing to go. The questions we worked on were "Tell me how you love", Tell me how you would like to love", "Tell me how you are mean to yourself", and "Tell me how you show kindness to yourself". The latter two questions were particularly poignant for me, in that I had many things to say about how I am mean to myself, and not so much to say about how I am kind to myself. After speaking and then listening to my partner, I had a lot to reflect on about ways I can be kinder to myself. In the group discussion we had after the dyads, one girl spoke about an injury-prevention workshop she attended, where the facilitator spoke about how "every step we take can be a step toward injury, or improvement". I suppose this was in reference to physical injury, but it makes sense for emotional injury too. One of the controversies surrounding addictions and recovery (and eating disorders falls in there too, I believe) is one of choice. Does an addict choose to take drugs? Does an addict choose to go into recovery? In taking steps toward recovery, this controversy still exists. You must choose recovery every day, especially when faced with triggering situations, we must choose recovery over temptation, in order to remain in recovery. Of course, this is not as easy as it sounds; recovery is a journey of mountains and valleys, not a linear path. However, with awareness and mindfulness, recovery becomes easier over time.
I don't believe addiction is a choice; much like a person does not choose to have a physical illness, a person with an addiction is suffering an illness. Research suggests that addiction is a brain disease, and I support this stance. So, if addiction is an illness, then how can recovery be a choice? Much like physical illness, one can choose to seek treatment, but it is not always successful. The best intentions and the greatest hopes for a cure do not always bring a full recovery. Perhaps a partial recovery, in some cases, but in many cases, the illness becomes too strong and the body gives up. Is it possible that suffering from an illness, whether physical or mental, is just part of the process? What we need to learn in this life in order to move on to the next one? When a cancer patient dies after a long struggle with illness, even with treatment, we do not place blame on the patient. When an addict dies after a long struggle with illness, even with treatment, how do we look at this? Do we accept that some things are more powerful than medicine, and that even though the patient went through treatment, it still wasn't enough? Or do we look at the addict with shame, thinking that they didn't try hard enough, or they didn't want it bad enough? This brings me back to treatment when I was sent home. I was told that because I had a relapse in my behaviours, I wasn't ready for treatment. I needed to be ready to face my illness in order to overcome it, and a relapse was evidence that I wasn't ready yet. Now, if we change the language here, and look at it from a physical illness perspective, is this fair? Is it fair to say that a cancer patient whose cancer spreads after chemotherapy treatment clearly wasn't ready for treatment in the first place? Maybe they should have waited until their body was strong enough to fight the cancer? No, of course not. This would be ridiculous, and completely unethical. At the first sign of cancer, doctors operate, right? They want to fight it in its early stages to prevent it from getting worse. So why wait until an eating disorder is in a moderate to severe state before starting treatment? By this point, the mind has become warped by the disorder, and it is harder to fight than if treatment were applied at the first signs of illness. It becomes harder to treat, harder to gain control of, and the likelihood of relapse is much higher. As far as my illness was concerned, I would think I was in the mild-moderate category when I attended treatment. Probably a good place for intervention, but I still struggled. I still struggle to this day. Not as often as I had, but it's still there. So, if I believe that my disorder is an illness, then what choice do I have for successful recovery? I can hope for a full recovery, and I can have my best intentions to do well, but is that enough? Am I in control of any of this? Not to say that I should just give up and accept that there may not be hope, but I am questioning the degree of choice I truly have here.
There is a theory of neural pathways that I have heard through various disciplines, including psychology and yoga philosophy. The theory suggests that we have pathways in our brain that become learned over time. By responding the same way to a given situation, then we carve the pathway deeper, and it becomes automatic over time. When faced with a stressful situation, going down the ED pathway becomes learned and automatic over time. After doing this for so long, it is difficult to even consider taking another path. But, because the brain is plastic (meaning "able to change"), we can learn to take a different pathway over time. It may be extremely difficult at first, and we must be very conscious and aware of the steps we are taking, but eventually the new pathway becomes automatic. If it had been automatic to binge after every stressful situation, it can become automatic not to. It is important to have a dialogue with your Self when you are faced with these triggering situations. Ask yourself, "Is this step in a direction of injury, or improvement?" Even with contemplation, it may still be difficult to take a step in a new direction. It can be scary, but over time it will get better. I may not be able to choose to fully recover, but I can choose which steps I take.
Last night, I was in a situation where I felt an urge to binge and purge. I considered it carefully, thought about what my options were, but still gave in to the urge. I should have gone to school this morning, but chose to stay home because I was exhausted. I am not happy with the choice I made; I know I could have done better. It is easy to now be very mean to myself, but instead, maybe I will choose to be kind to myself. Acknowledge that this happened, and next time I can be stronger. I know I can do it; I've gotten over the urges in the past without giving in. It's difficult, but not impossible. At this point, it is more important than ever to be mindful and aware of what I am doing, how I am feeling, and to acknowledge those feelings. Journalling will be helpful; I know that I struggle with this all the time, but again, can I choose to take a step toward injury or improvement? In the big picture of things, I don't know that I have control over my recovery, but I can control the small things that come up on a daily basis. Acknowledging issues that arise, being mindful of triggering situations, and making the best choices I can in that moment. This may not be easy; I know that I tend to fall back into old habits more often than I choose not to. But I can get through this.
The last thing I wanted to touch on was the yogic principle of Ahimsa, or non-violence. Approaching situations from a place of love and non-harming. I feel that ahimsa is very relevant to how we treat ourselves during recovery. It is so easy to be hard on ourselves when we slip; it is much harder to be kind to ourselves.
That's enough for now I think,
Namaste
I don't believe addiction is a choice; much like a person does not choose to have a physical illness, a person with an addiction is suffering an illness. Research suggests that addiction is a brain disease, and I support this stance. So, if addiction is an illness, then how can recovery be a choice? Much like physical illness, one can choose to seek treatment, but it is not always successful. The best intentions and the greatest hopes for a cure do not always bring a full recovery. Perhaps a partial recovery, in some cases, but in many cases, the illness becomes too strong and the body gives up. Is it possible that suffering from an illness, whether physical or mental, is just part of the process? What we need to learn in this life in order to move on to the next one? When a cancer patient dies after a long struggle with illness, even with treatment, we do not place blame on the patient. When an addict dies after a long struggle with illness, even with treatment, how do we look at this? Do we accept that some things are more powerful than medicine, and that even though the patient went through treatment, it still wasn't enough? Or do we look at the addict with shame, thinking that they didn't try hard enough, or they didn't want it bad enough? This brings me back to treatment when I was sent home. I was told that because I had a relapse in my behaviours, I wasn't ready for treatment. I needed to be ready to face my illness in order to overcome it, and a relapse was evidence that I wasn't ready yet. Now, if we change the language here, and look at it from a physical illness perspective, is this fair? Is it fair to say that a cancer patient whose cancer spreads after chemotherapy treatment clearly wasn't ready for treatment in the first place? Maybe they should have waited until their body was strong enough to fight the cancer? No, of course not. This would be ridiculous, and completely unethical. At the first sign of cancer, doctors operate, right? They want to fight it in its early stages to prevent it from getting worse. So why wait until an eating disorder is in a moderate to severe state before starting treatment? By this point, the mind has become warped by the disorder, and it is harder to fight than if treatment were applied at the first signs of illness. It becomes harder to treat, harder to gain control of, and the likelihood of relapse is much higher. As far as my illness was concerned, I would think I was in the mild-moderate category when I attended treatment. Probably a good place for intervention, but I still struggled. I still struggle to this day. Not as often as I had, but it's still there. So, if I believe that my disorder is an illness, then what choice do I have for successful recovery? I can hope for a full recovery, and I can have my best intentions to do well, but is that enough? Am I in control of any of this? Not to say that I should just give up and accept that there may not be hope, but I am questioning the degree of choice I truly have here.
There is a theory of neural pathways that I have heard through various disciplines, including psychology and yoga philosophy. The theory suggests that we have pathways in our brain that become learned over time. By responding the same way to a given situation, then we carve the pathway deeper, and it becomes automatic over time. When faced with a stressful situation, going down the ED pathway becomes learned and automatic over time. After doing this for so long, it is difficult to even consider taking another path. But, because the brain is plastic (meaning "able to change"), we can learn to take a different pathway over time. It may be extremely difficult at first, and we must be very conscious and aware of the steps we are taking, but eventually the new pathway becomes automatic. If it had been automatic to binge after every stressful situation, it can become automatic not to. It is important to have a dialogue with your Self when you are faced with these triggering situations. Ask yourself, "Is this step in a direction of injury, or improvement?" Even with contemplation, it may still be difficult to take a step in a new direction. It can be scary, but over time it will get better. I may not be able to choose to fully recover, but I can choose which steps I take.
Last night, I was in a situation where I felt an urge to binge and purge. I considered it carefully, thought about what my options were, but still gave in to the urge. I should have gone to school this morning, but chose to stay home because I was exhausted. I am not happy with the choice I made; I know I could have done better. It is easy to now be very mean to myself, but instead, maybe I will choose to be kind to myself. Acknowledge that this happened, and next time I can be stronger. I know I can do it; I've gotten over the urges in the past without giving in. It's difficult, but not impossible. At this point, it is more important than ever to be mindful and aware of what I am doing, how I am feeling, and to acknowledge those feelings. Journalling will be helpful; I know that I struggle with this all the time, but again, can I choose to take a step toward injury or improvement? In the big picture of things, I don't know that I have control over my recovery, but I can control the small things that come up on a daily basis. Acknowledging issues that arise, being mindful of triggering situations, and making the best choices I can in that moment. This may not be easy; I know that I tend to fall back into old habits more often than I choose not to. But I can get through this.
The last thing I wanted to touch on was the yogic principle of Ahimsa, or non-violence. Approaching situations from a place of love and non-harming. I feel that ahimsa is very relevant to how we treat ourselves during recovery. It is so easy to be hard on ourselves when we slip; it is much harder to be kind to ourselves.
That's enough for now I think,
Namaste
Thursday, 2 January 2014
January 2, 2014
Wow, look at me - two posts in two days! I wanted to reflect on some of the things that came up in the Yoga Immersion today, and how they resonated with me, especially in comparison to the eating disorders day program. For any new followers, last year I spent 8 weeks in a day-patient treatment program for eating disorders, and I was not happy about it. Please refer to my posts from last January - February to get a sense of how things went. Anyway, just to recap, the program was extremely militant with its rules, and it seems that other mental health "treatment" programs are very similar. If you are seeking help through Alberta Health Services, basically you are told "these are the rules, you must follow them. If you don't, you have to leave. We know everything, you know nothing, because you suffer from a mental illness. Therefore, anything you have to say that conflicts with our rules is invalid". Not in those words, of course, but that's the basic message. I am not sure if private psychologists are also this way; I can't afford to pay $170 an hour for counselling, so I've never been to a private psychologist. Family counsellors and ones that offer subsidy are good, but I haven't found any counselling yet that has been completely effective in treating my eating disorder. But, I digress.
Anyway, there were a couple of things that came up about beliefs and healing that resonated strongly with me. When you have an eating disorder, there is a set of beliefs (may not be the same for all) around food, weight, and size. Of course, it varies from person to person, but generally, it's things like "Good foods vs bad foods", "Thin is good, thinner is better", "I eat, therefore I am disgusting", "Fat = worthless" and so on. The instructor, Amy, mentioned something about beliefs and how they serve a purpose for us, and we can only let go when these beliefs no longer serve us. In the day program, our beliefs were challenged every day, and many of the girls (myself included) had difficulty letting go of these. When I spoke at the Women's Resource Center about bulimia (see February 8 post), I likened this to ED beliefs being like our religion. We have these beliefs, they make us feel safe (even though they are destructive), and they are deep-rooted. A practicing Christian has beliefs about God that are deep-rooted, and make the person feel safe. So then these eating disorder treatment people come along and tell us "Your beliefs are wrong. Here are better things to believe. Change your way of thinking." which is probably about as good as someone from a contrasting religion saying the same thing to the Christian. This is not going to be very effective, and if anything, will just make the person being challenged upset. They won't want to change their beliefs just because someone tells them they should. Now, I realize that being a Christian and having an eating disorder are two very different things - being a Christian is probably good for you, while having an eating disorder is bad for you. So I understand why our beliefs were being challenged. However, I think that there could be a more compassionate, understanding way of helping someone to change their beliefs, rather than forcing them. The technique used by the program is systematic desensitization, which can be effective for things like anxiety and phobias, but I'm not so sure that it works for eating disorders. Maybe when the patient is truly ready to change, then it can be helpful. But if they are still in that contemplative phase (thinking about changing, but not quite ready), then it wont help.
Which brings me to my next point. Lisa. the assisting instructor mentioned something about healing only being able to occur when the parasympathetic nervous system is working. If you arent up on your CNS physiology, let me just explain that. Im sure youve heard of the Fight or Flight system - the one that kicks in during an emergency, during a challenge, or some kind of scary situation. Hormones and neurotransmitters kick in to give us an energy boost, which helps us to decide whether we are going to take action or run like hell. This is the sympathetic nervous system working. The parasympathetic nervous system, on the other hand, is known as the Rest and Digest system- other hormones and neurotransmitters kick in when we are in a state of relaxation, and allow for natural physiological functions to take place, including digestion, recovery, and growth. When one system is activated, the other is dormant, and vice versa. Now, I think generally when this system refers to recovery and healing, it means physical healing. Damaged tissues, viruses, etc. But I think this can also apply to emotional or spiritual healing. So, again, this made me think about treatment, and the state of mind I was in while I was there. I was arguing with the staff every single day about something. I was on edge more often than not, and we were stuffed full of so much food, I dont even know how we digested any of it (at least for the first couple of weeks for me; I didnt have to eat as much as the girls in weight recovery, but it was still a LOT of food). So, if healing (and digesting, for that matter) can only take place during parasympathetic activation, how on earth were we supposed to accomplish anything when our sympathetic systems were so highly activated all the timeÉ Now, I dont know this for sure; we didnt use an fMRI during treatment to find out which parts of the brain were activated during psychotherapy, but I am going to make an educated guess that we were in fight or flight far more often than we were resting and digesting. So, the conclusion I am drawing from this, is that when you are treating a mental illness, it has to come from a place of gentleness and compassion, rather than forcefulness.
I know the program has been successful for some, but my eyes are opened just a little bit wider as to how I would like to treat mental illness once I start working in that field. I had thought during the program that there must be a better way, and what I learned today has contributed to that way of thinking.
*Sorry for the lack of punctuation in my second paragraph. For some reason, my computer acts up once in awhile and instead of an apostrophe, I get è, and É for a question mark. I dont know how to change it back to normal.
Anyway, there were a couple of things that came up about beliefs and healing that resonated strongly with me. When you have an eating disorder, there is a set of beliefs (may not be the same for all) around food, weight, and size. Of course, it varies from person to person, but generally, it's things like "Good foods vs bad foods", "Thin is good, thinner is better", "I eat, therefore I am disgusting", "Fat = worthless" and so on. The instructor, Amy, mentioned something about beliefs and how they serve a purpose for us, and we can only let go when these beliefs no longer serve us. In the day program, our beliefs were challenged every day, and many of the girls (myself included) had difficulty letting go of these. When I spoke at the Women's Resource Center about bulimia (see February 8 post), I likened this to ED beliefs being like our religion. We have these beliefs, they make us feel safe (even though they are destructive), and they are deep-rooted. A practicing Christian has beliefs about God that are deep-rooted, and make the person feel safe. So then these eating disorder treatment people come along and tell us "Your beliefs are wrong. Here are better things to believe. Change your way of thinking." which is probably about as good as someone from a contrasting religion saying the same thing to the Christian. This is not going to be very effective, and if anything, will just make the person being challenged upset. They won't want to change their beliefs just because someone tells them they should. Now, I realize that being a Christian and having an eating disorder are two very different things - being a Christian is probably good for you, while having an eating disorder is bad for you. So I understand why our beliefs were being challenged. However, I think that there could be a more compassionate, understanding way of helping someone to change their beliefs, rather than forcing them. The technique used by the program is systematic desensitization, which can be effective for things like anxiety and phobias, but I'm not so sure that it works for eating disorders. Maybe when the patient is truly ready to change, then it can be helpful. But if they are still in that contemplative phase (thinking about changing, but not quite ready), then it wont help.
Which brings me to my next point. Lisa. the assisting instructor mentioned something about healing only being able to occur when the parasympathetic nervous system is working. If you arent up on your CNS physiology, let me just explain that. Im sure youve heard of the Fight or Flight system - the one that kicks in during an emergency, during a challenge, or some kind of scary situation. Hormones and neurotransmitters kick in to give us an energy boost, which helps us to decide whether we are going to take action or run like hell. This is the sympathetic nervous system working. The parasympathetic nervous system, on the other hand, is known as the Rest and Digest system- other hormones and neurotransmitters kick in when we are in a state of relaxation, and allow for natural physiological functions to take place, including digestion, recovery, and growth. When one system is activated, the other is dormant, and vice versa. Now, I think generally when this system refers to recovery and healing, it means physical healing. Damaged tissues, viruses, etc. But I think this can also apply to emotional or spiritual healing. So, again, this made me think about treatment, and the state of mind I was in while I was there. I was arguing with the staff every single day about something. I was on edge more often than not, and we were stuffed full of so much food, I dont even know how we digested any of it (at least for the first couple of weeks for me; I didnt have to eat as much as the girls in weight recovery, but it was still a LOT of food). So, if healing (and digesting, for that matter) can only take place during parasympathetic activation, how on earth were we supposed to accomplish anything when our sympathetic systems were so highly activated all the timeÉ Now, I dont know this for sure; we didnt use an fMRI during treatment to find out which parts of the brain were activated during psychotherapy, but I am going to make an educated guess that we were in fight or flight far more often than we were resting and digesting. So, the conclusion I am drawing from this, is that when you are treating a mental illness, it has to come from a place of gentleness and compassion, rather than forcefulness.
I know the program has been successful for some, but my eyes are opened just a little bit wider as to how I would like to treat mental illness once I start working in that field. I had thought during the program that there must be a better way, and what I learned today has contributed to that way of thinking.
*Sorry for the lack of punctuation in my second paragraph. For some reason, my computer acts up once in awhile and instead of an apostrophe, I get è, and É for a question mark. I dont know how to change it back to normal.
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
January 1, 2014
New Year's Day- A new day, a new year; time for a new post. I had intended to write yesterday, but didn't, so today will do. I feel as though I am starting the new year off in a slightly grumpy mood. Maybe because I had the flu a couple days ago, and am still getting back to normal. Maybe because I haven't been eating well; maybe because I haven't taken my meds; maybe because this new year's crap is so over-rated. I could write about all the things that I want to do better, all the ways I want to be better - same shit every year. Does it ever get any better? I don't know. As far as 2013 went, it wasn't the worst year ever. Not the best, but not the worst either. I had to withdraw from school to go to treatment; treatment was mildly successful; went back to school; got a couple of jobs that I like; spent more time with Luc in the second half of the year; hit a rocky patch in my relationship; did okay in school (could have been better, but wasn't bad considering I hardly went to any classes); bought a new car; now I'm broke; lost weight, gained weight.
I know I could wish for everything to be better, and honestly, that would be nice. But I do that every year, and I'm still not happy. Or, not happy like I would like to be. So, I think that instead of wishing for other things to make me happy, I need to start finding happiness in what I've already got. I saw a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of "We think we will find peace when everything falls into place; Find peace and everything will fall into place". I'm gonna say maybe it was Buddha or Ghandi who said this, and it is resonating strongly with me right now. I think that instead of waiting for better things to happen, I need be at peace with things the way they are. I suppose it's difficult, considering we live in a world of instant gratification, where we are taught that "life will be better once ______" I find the perfect man, I lose the weight, etc. But, Eastern thinking and mindfulness practice is growing in popularity in the West, so there is much to be learned about being present in each moment. It will be difficult; I tend to escape into fantasy thoughts, or worry thoughts when my mind is free to roam, but with time and practice, mindfulness will come. I am taking a yoga course starting tomorrow called Into the HeArt of Yoga - an immersion course to cover the philosophy, history, and variations of yoga, which I hope will help me learn to be present. Rather than being dissatisfied with what I have, and wanting more, I hope to learn to be satisfied with what I have. Find peace, and everything will fall into place. Of course, I still would like to lose weight, and find the perfect guy, and have more money, but I think for now, just focusing on the moment, and not worrying about the future will bring far more satisfaction than what I have been doing.
Recovery-wise, I had a relapse over Christmas; not really that surprising I guess. Between things with Tony and I, Christmas, Luc being gone, exams, etc. I guess I was under a fair bit of stress. I could have handled it better, I suppose, but a few nights of bingeing turned into a few days of purging, and then I ended up getting sick. So, I would like to leave ED in 2013; there is no need to continue on with these behaviours. Of course, easier said than done, but it's a work in progress.
Happy New Year everyone, all the best to you in 2014!
I know I could wish for everything to be better, and honestly, that would be nice. But I do that every year, and I'm still not happy. Or, not happy like I would like to be. So, I think that instead of wishing for other things to make me happy, I need to start finding happiness in what I've already got. I saw a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of "We think we will find peace when everything falls into place; Find peace and everything will fall into place". I'm gonna say maybe it was Buddha or Ghandi who said this, and it is resonating strongly with me right now. I think that instead of waiting for better things to happen, I need be at peace with things the way they are. I suppose it's difficult, considering we live in a world of instant gratification, where we are taught that "life will be better once ______" I find the perfect man, I lose the weight, etc. But, Eastern thinking and mindfulness practice is growing in popularity in the West, so there is much to be learned about being present in each moment. It will be difficult; I tend to escape into fantasy thoughts, or worry thoughts when my mind is free to roam, but with time and practice, mindfulness will come. I am taking a yoga course starting tomorrow called Into the HeArt of Yoga - an immersion course to cover the philosophy, history, and variations of yoga, which I hope will help me learn to be present. Rather than being dissatisfied with what I have, and wanting more, I hope to learn to be satisfied with what I have. Find peace, and everything will fall into place. Of course, I still would like to lose weight, and find the perfect guy, and have more money, but I think for now, just focusing on the moment, and not worrying about the future will bring far more satisfaction than what I have been doing.
Recovery-wise, I had a relapse over Christmas; not really that surprising I guess. Between things with Tony and I, Christmas, Luc being gone, exams, etc. I guess I was under a fair bit of stress. I could have handled it better, I suppose, but a few nights of bingeing turned into a few days of purging, and then I ended up getting sick. So, I would like to leave ED in 2013; there is no need to continue on with these behaviours. Of course, easier said than done, but it's a work in progress.
Happy New Year everyone, all the best to you in 2014!
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
December 18
Since my last check-in, I have been bingeing a fair bit. Court stuff was settled between Antonio and Bianca, so Luc has been away since Friday night. This is the first time in a long time that I have been by myself, and it's been hard. I had good intentions to stay on track with my eating, but it hasn't gone quite as well as I hoped. I also ran out of meds, so I think once I get my prescription filled, then that will help. I don't even enjoy bingeing anymore, I guess I was just doing it out of habit. I really feel gross though. Bloated, dehydrated, fat. Why do I do this to myself?
As far as things with Tony are going, we've been talking lately, and it seems like he still wants to have some kind of relationship. I know that it can't go any further if he isn't interested in being a step-parent, so I don't know how things will turn out. I guess we can be friends, and see how things go.
Christmas is coming up next week, and that's probably another reason I've been bingeing. I really don't like Christmas, and I am not really looking forward to the family get togethers and all the food. But what else am I gonna do? Stay home by myself? That would be depressing, so I will just suck it up. I think it's just the idea of Christmas that I don't like- everyone is supposed to be happy, and right now I'm not. But dwelling on that isn't going to make it any better. I think the best thing I can do right now is just to focus on eating well, without dwelling on the bingeing I've done the last few days. What is done is done, I can only move forward from here. With that being said, I think it's time to go take a shower and start my day. As much as I am enjoying being lazy in bed, it is not productive. Happy Wednesday!
As far as things with Tony are going, we've been talking lately, and it seems like he still wants to have some kind of relationship. I know that it can't go any further if he isn't interested in being a step-parent, so I don't know how things will turn out. I guess we can be friends, and see how things go.
Christmas is coming up next week, and that's probably another reason I've been bingeing. I really don't like Christmas, and I am not really looking forward to the family get togethers and all the food. But what else am I gonna do? Stay home by myself? That would be depressing, so I will just suck it up. I think it's just the idea of Christmas that I don't like- everyone is supposed to be happy, and right now I'm not. But dwelling on that isn't going to make it any better. I think the best thing I can do right now is just to focus on eating well, without dwelling on the bingeing I've done the last few days. What is done is done, I can only move forward from here. With that being said, I think it's time to go take a shower and start my day. As much as I am enjoying being lazy in bed, it is not productive. Happy Wednesday!
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
December 10
Time to write out some feelings, rather than eating them. Well, things are definitely done with Tony and I; we talked again on Saturday, because I wanted him to join Luc and I for dinner. I thought it would be good if we met somewhere neutral, like at a restaurant, so that the three of us could spend time together. Plus, Luc doesn't like going to Tony's, and Tony doesn't like to come to my house. Everybody wins, right? Nope, I guess not. His response was "there's no point in us being together right now if Luc doesn't like going there". We talked, and basically it felt like he wants things to be different with Luc, but doesn't want to be involved in making the change. I had hoped that if we scaled things back and let him and Luc bond, then maybe over time, things would improve. Oh well, I guess. If he doesn't want to be Luc's step-dad, there is no point in trying.
So then, over the last week, I started talking to another guy, Andrew. A friend of a friend, good looking. Probably not a good idea to start dating again right away, but it's always nice when someone tells you they think you are hot. Especially when the feeling is mutual. So anyway, last night, Andrew posts something on my Facebook wall about "can't wait to see you", which I deleted so that no one would see. Like Tony. But, that didn't work out. He saw it. And he asked me about it. But what was worse, was that he didn't really seem that upset about it. Just said to "be careful, take care of yourself online". Now, before 7am, I had Andrew upset with me for deleting the post, and Tony probably thinking I was cheating on him. Not to mention another "friend" who suddenly starts texting me once I told him I was single again. FML.
So this stuff has got me thinking about expectations. I'm upset about things with Tony, but at the same time, I had been second guessing it anyway. I had been thinking maybe he was "the one", but then again, I seem to think every guy is "the one"- and then when it fizzles, I'm heartbroken more because of the loss of my "happily ever after" than the loss of the guy. I don't really think any of the guys that I have been "in love" with were "the one". New, hot guys that come along probably aren't "the one" either. So how do I move forward now in search of a romantic partnership that doesn't restart the fantasy of our life together? I think some soul searching is probably in need here, for sure. I think I know what I want in a man, and honestly, none of the guys I have dated or had serious relationships have had all of those things. So I settle for the first guy that comes along that shows interest in me, but that doesn't help. Keep my standards high and be very choosy? But then what if I never find "the one". Settle for Mr. Good-Enough? I'm not really happy with that though? Give up men altogether and just focus on Luc? That's making me miserable though. I want to find someone to share my life with, but maybe that's just a waste of time? From my history with men, they seem to just cause trouble for me (hello, ED), so maybe it's time to just take a step back and focus on myself. I definitely DO NOT want to fall back into old habits, and so far so good. I've been eating pretty clean lately, and am really happy with the way my arms are starting to shape up. But if I think about my history after break ups......but again, like my post a few weeks ago, if I expect certain things to happen, then they will. If I expect to get depressed and gain weight, then I will. If I expect that I can get through this like a champ, and focus on my self-care, then it doesn't have to be bad, right?
Anyway, I guess I just need to learn to make peace with myself, and not be in such a hurry to fall in love all the time. Maybe just keep my distance from men for awhile. Focus on myself, focus on Luc, and maybe everything will fall into place. If I expect that Luc will start listening to me and start behaving better, maybe he will right? I friggin hope so!
So then, over the last week, I started talking to another guy, Andrew. A friend of a friend, good looking. Probably not a good idea to start dating again right away, but it's always nice when someone tells you they think you are hot. Especially when the feeling is mutual. So anyway, last night, Andrew posts something on my Facebook wall about "can't wait to see you", which I deleted so that no one would see. Like Tony. But, that didn't work out. He saw it. And he asked me about it. But what was worse, was that he didn't really seem that upset about it. Just said to "be careful, take care of yourself online". Now, before 7am, I had Andrew upset with me for deleting the post, and Tony probably thinking I was cheating on him. Not to mention another "friend" who suddenly starts texting me once I told him I was single again. FML.
So this stuff has got me thinking about expectations. I'm upset about things with Tony, but at the same time, I had been second guessing it anyway. I had been thinking maybe he was "the one", but then again, I seem to think every guy is "the one"- and then when it fizzles, I'm heartbroken more because of the loss of my "happily ever after" than the loss of the guy. I don't really think any of the guys that I have been "in love" with were "the one". New, hot guys that come along probably aren't "the one" either. So how do I move forward now in search of a romantic partnership that doesn't restart the fantasy of our life together? I think some soul searching is probably in need here, for sure. I think I know what I want in a man, and honestly, none of the guys I have dated or had serious relationships have had all of those things. So I settle for the first guy that comes along that shows interest in me, but that doesn't help. Keep my standards high and be very choosy? But then what if I never find "the one". Settle for Mr. Good-Enough? I'm not really happy with that though? Give up men altogether and just focus on Luc? That's making me miserable though. I want to find someone to share my life with, but maybe that's just a waste of time? From my history with men, they seem to just cause trouble for me (hello, ED), so maybe it's time to just take a step back and focus on myself. I definitely DO NOT want to fall back into old habits, and so far so good. I've been eating pretty clean lately, and am really happy with the way my arms are starting to shape up. But if I think about my history after break ups......but again, like my post a few weeks ago, if I expect certain things to happen, then they will. If I expect to get depressed and gain weight, then I will. If I expect that I can get through this like a champ, and focus on my self-care, then it doesn't have to be bad, right?
Anyway, I guess I just need to learn to make peace with myself, and not be in such a hurry to fall in love all the time. Maybe just keep my distance from men for awhile. Focus on myself, focus on Luc, and maybe everything will fall into place. If I expect that Luc will start listening to me and start behaving better, maybe he will right? I friggin hope so!
Thursday, 5 December 2013
December 5
Update time again, really need to do this more often! Last time I checked in, I was struggling with hormone- and stress-related bingeing, which seems to be mostly in-check now, since, ahem, Aunt Flo stopped by. I intend to do some research into supplementation to help with this; I have heard that Vitamin B6 is good. Anyway, so I'm eating mostly healthy, I had a bit of a binge on Sunday night, but no purging in quite some time. So that's great.
On the relationship front, Tony and I had a big discussion about how things have been going, and so that has been tough for me. In the end, we decided to try to work on things- I need to work on my parenting and discipline, but have asked for his support. I would like him to be more involved with my life outside of our relationship- I want him to want to come out with me to things, and not always have a reason why he can't come. I understand that sometimes that things come up; he has a life too, and I respect that. But it feels like I really have to pressure him to spend time with me outside of his house, and I don't like that. At this point, we are still together, but haven't seen each other in nearly two weeks, so I guess we will see how things go over the holidays.
As far as Luc goes, I am still struggling with him. I let him stay home one day last week because "he was tired", and then the next day I was tired, so I let him stay home that day too. Then on Friday, he didn't want to go because it was only a half day. Then he missed school this past Tuesday because of the crappy roads. Now trying to get him up and dressed for school is really tough. I know it is irresponsible to let him stay home, and I regret the choices that I made. He is constantly complaining about how bored he is, but then refuses to do any school work, and is not interested in any activities. I took him to a parkour class a couple weeks ago, which he seemed to enjoy, but has since not been interested in going. In the new year, I definitely plan to get him into some activities; I know it will be good for him.
I took on another job too; in addition to school, Luc, hair styling, and the yoga studio. I must be crazy. But the new car that I bought is quite expensive, and I don't know that I will be able to afford it come January. The new job is at World Health, which has been somewhere I have been interested in working for quite some time. Goes well with my KNES degree, so that's good. The job title is "Fitness Coach", but I realized last night (my first shift) that that title is quite deceiving. It should be more like "Member Relations rep" or something. The job description is along the lines of "to host the party- build rapport with members, and specifically interact with high-risk members"- the ones who don't come to the gym that often and might end up cancelling their membership. So basically, I walk around and talk to people and get paid. Pretty sweet, except that I have to approach people in the gym, while they are working out, and talk to them. This is quite out of my comfort zone; I am good at talking to people when they come to me (i.e. I stay behind the desk and they come to me), but it is a lot scarier to have to go to them. I have been thinking about this quite a bit over the last 24 hours. On the job, I was thinking "I don't think I can do this, this is really scary". But then, I got thinking why? What is so scary about approaching people and talking to them? Usually this isn't something I do. Maybe once I've had a couple drinks in me, but I don't think that would go over so well at work. What am I afraid of? I realized last night that this job is hitting my deep-rooted fear of rejection that has been lurking inside of me for so long. It shouldn't be scary to approach people and say hi, but I am reminded of experiences in elementary school where I would ask my "friends" if I could sit with them, and would sometimes be told no. Then they would make fun of me, regardless of whether or not I could hear them. One experience in grade 5 was particularly traumatic for me, and I think it is probably why I am so terrified to approach people. The gist of the story is that I asked the kids who had recently been my friends if I could sit with them at lunch and play cards with them; they said no, so I sat at my desk and ate while the kids made fun of me by calling me a fat cow and other names. There was a girl that had come to sit with me, which was so kind of her, but I guess I was so focused on the mean kids and their cruel words that I found it difficult to focus on the positive. I can still remember leaving the classroom after lunch, going to find my sister, and then crying in the bathroom because I was so upset. Some girls from the other grade 5 class saw me in there, and felt bad for me; they invited me to sit with them during a movie their teacher was showing, instead of going back to my classroom. No friendships came out of that though; the next day I went back to my own classroom and accepted my place as the fat girl with braces that not many people liked. I don't know why, I wasn't mean to them; in fact, I desperately wanted them to like me, but I don't know why they didn't. I'm sure if I asked any of them now, they wouldn't even know why.
So I realized this morning that I am afraid to approach people because they might say "Eww, Fat Girl, get away from me. You are not welcome here" and then laugh at me as I walk away. I got through it last night, it was a bit awkward approaching people, but I found that if I walked around and smiled at people and/or said hi, the strangest thing would happen sometimes. Some people would smile back, some people would say hi, and some would even take off their headphones and talk to me! Shake my hand and everything! Oh my god! Some people weren't as chatty, but that's okay. Plus, I know it will take me a little while to get into my 'groove' of approaching people, and have thought about asking if I can hang out at the reception desk and greet people there first, rather than 'interrupting' them in their workout. So why am I letting something that happened 21 years ago (and I am cringing as I write this) affect me to this day?
Last night, Steve, the fitness manager who has been training me, made a comment about one of the 'high-risk' members that he approached to show me what to do, basically. Apparently, this woman used to come to the gym all the time, but doesn't anymore. She was a bit cold when he was talking to her, but she did chat briefly. After that, we went back to the desk and he commented about how she had her "bitch face" on - headphones on, on the treadmill closest to the wall, away from people, not making eye contact with anyone. Huh. That's how I workout. And I rarely ever had club members or staff members approaching me when I would work out, other than to ask if I was finished with whatever equipment I had been using. And at school, people don't readily approach me and talk to me either, because I come into the class, find a seat away in the third or fourth row, with at least one seat in between me and the next person. Then I put my glasses on (which kind of blocks my peripheral vision), and I look down at my paper, or check my phone, without really talking to anyone. I will say hi to people I have been forced to meet through group projects, and usually they are very nice. Do I go around most places with my "bitch face" on? Maybe? I am reminded of how people used to tell me all the time that "I thought you were a snob when I first met you, but you're actually really nice". It wasn't at all that I was a snob, it was that I was terrified to talk to them, or say the wrong thing, or do something that would make them not like me. And, as it turned out, they did like me! Once I opened up a bit. Which I do more quickly these days; I'm not nearly as awkward as I was 10 or 15 years ago. In one of my classes, we have to grade each other for a group presentation, and I am terrified of being graded poorly by these people. But why would they? Because I contributed ideas to the presentation? Because I wanted to have a speaking part in the presentation, and I helped contribute to the written background paper? Why would these people grade me poorly for this? Again, that fear of "Eww, Fat Girl. We don't like you." Which I am hoping is not true.
It seems like I still have some work to do on the confidence front, so I think this job will actually be perfect for me. Terrifying, maybe, but probably incredibly rewarding. I don't know where the quote comes from that's on most Lululemon tote bags, but it is resonating strongly with me today. "Do something every day that scares you". There are lots of things I am scared of, and that I avoid, because it's easier than taking the risk. But what's the big risk here? That someone might not say hi to me? Big frickin deal, honey. Get over it. Which is exactly what I plan to do.
On the relationship front, Tony and I had a big discussion about how things have been going, and so that has been tough for me. In the end, we decided to try to work on things- I need to work on my parenting and discipline, but have asked for his support. I would like him to be more involved with my life outside of our relationship- I want him to want to come out with me to things, and not always have a reason why he can't come. I understand that sometimes that things come up; he has a life too, and I respect that. But it feels like I really have to pressure him to spend time with me outside of his house, and I don't like that. At this point, we are still together, but haven't seen each other in nearly two weeks, so I guess we will see how things go over the holidays.
As far as Luc goes, I am still struggling with him. I let him stay home one day last week because "he was tired", and then the next day I was tired, so I let him stay home that day too. Then on Friday, he didn't want to go because it was only a half day. Then he missed school this past Tuesday because of the crappy roads. Now trying to get him up and dressed for school is really tough. I know it is irresponsible to let him stay home, and I regret the choices that I made. He is constantly complaining about how bored he is, but then refuses to do any school work, and is not interested in any activities. I took him to a parkour class a couple weeks ago, which he seemed to enjoy, but has since not been interested in going. In the new year, I definitely plan to get him into some activities; I know it will be good for him.
I took on another job too; in addition to school, Luc, hair styling, and the yoga studio. I must be crazy. But the new car that I bought is quite expensive, and I don't know that I will be able to afford it come January. The new job is at World Health, which has been somewhere I have been interested in working for quite some time. Goes well with my KNES degree, so that's good. The job title is "Fitness Coach", but I realized last night (my first shift) that that title is quite deceiving. It should be more like "Member Relations rep" or something. The job description is along the lines of "to host the party- build rapport with members, and specifically interact with high-risk members"- the ones who don't come to the gym that often and might end up cancelling their membership. So basically, I walk around and talk to people and get paid. Pretty sweet, except that I have to approach people in the gym, while they are working out, and talk to them. This is quite out of my comfort zone; I am good at talking to people when they come to me (i.e. I stay behind the desk and they come to me), but it is a lot scarier to have to go to them. I have been thinking about this quite a bit over the last 24 hours. On the job, I was thinking "I don't think I can do this, this is really scary". But then, I got thinking why? What is so scary about approaching people and talking to them? Usually this isn't something I do. Maybe once I've had a couple drinks in me, but I don't think that would go over so well at work. What am I afraid of? I realized last night that this job is hitting my deep-rooted fear of rejection that has been lurking inside of me for so long. It shouldn't be scary to approach people and say hi, but I am reminded of experiences in elementary school where I would ask my "friends" if I could sit with them, and would sometimes be told no. Then they would make fun of me, regardless of whether or not I could hear them. One experience in grade 5 was particularly traumatic for me, and I think it is probably why I am so terrified to approach people. The gist of the story is that I asked the kids who had recently been my friends if I could sit with them at lunch and play cards with them; they said no, so I sat at my desk and ate while the kids made fun of me by calling me a fat cow and other names. There was a girl that had come to sit with me, which was so kind of her, but I guess I was so focused on the mean kids and their cruel words that I found it difficult to focus on the positive. I can still remember leaving the classroom after lunch, going to find my sister, and then crying in the bathroom because I was so upset. Some girls from the other grade 5 class saw me in there, and felt bad for me; they invited me to sit with them during a movie their teacher was showing, instead of going back to my classroom. No friendships came out of that though; the next day I went back to my own classroom and accepted my place as the fat girl with braces that not many people liked. I don't know why, I wasn't mean to them; in fact, I desperately wanted them to like me, but I don't know why they didn't. I'm sure if I asked any of them now, they wouldn't even know why.
So I realized this morning that I am afraid to approach people because they might say "Eww, Fat Girl, get away from me. You are not welcome here" and then laugh at me as I walk away. I got through it last night, it was a bit awkward approaching people, but I found that if I walked around and smiled at people and/or said hi, the strangest thing would happen sometimes. Some people would smile back, some people would say hi, and some would even take off their headphones and talk to me! Shake my hand and everything! Oh my god! Some people weren't as chatty, but that's okay. Plus, I know it will take me a little while to get into my 'groove' of approaching people, and have thought about asking if I can hang out at the reception desk and greet people there first, rather than 'interrupting' them in their workout. So why am I letting something that happened 21 years ago (and I am cringing as I write this) affect me to this day?
Last night, Steve, the fitness manager who has been training me, made a comment about one of the 'high-risk' members that he approached to show me what to do, basically. Apparently, this woman used to come to the gym all the time, but doesn't anymore. She was a bit cold when he was talking to her, but she did chat briefly. After that, we went back to the desk and he commented about how she had her "bitch face" on - headphones on, on the treadmill closest to the wall, away from people, not making eye contact with anyone. Huh. That's how I workout. And I rarely ever had club members or staff members approaching me when I would work out, other than to ask if I was finished with whatever equipment I had been using. And at school, people don't readily approach me and talk to me either, because I come into the class, find a seat away in the third or fourth row, with at least one seat in between me and the next person. Then I put my glasses on (which kind of blocks my peripheral vision), and I look down at my paper, or check my phone, without really talking to anyone. I will say hi to people I have been forced to meet through group projects, and usually they are very nice. Do I go around most places with my "bitch face" on? Maybe? I am reminded of how people used to tell me all the time that "I thought you were a snob when I first met you, but you're actually really nice". It wasn't at all that I was a snob, it was that I was terrified to talk to them, or say the wrong thing, or do something that would make them not like me. And, as it turned out, they did like me! Once I opened up a bit. Which I do more quickly these days; I'm not nearly as awkward as I was 10 or 15 years ago. In one of my classes, we have to grade each other for a group presentation, and I am terrified of being graded poorly by these people. But why would they? Because I contributed ideas to the presentation? Because I wanted to have a speaking part in the presentation, and I helped contribute to the written background paper? Why would these people grade me poorly for this? Again, that fear of "Eww, Fat Girl. We don't like you." Which I am hoping is not true.
It seems like I still have some work to do on the confidence front, so I think this job will actually be perfect for me. Terrifying, maybe, but probably incredibly rewarding. I don't know where the quote comes from that's on most Lululemon tote bags, but it is resonating strongly with me today. "Do something every day that scares you". There are lots of things I am scared of, and that I avoid, because it's easier than taking the risk. But what's the big risk here? That someone might not say hi to me? Big frickin deal, honey. Get over it. Which is exactly what I plan to do.
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