Tuesday 26 November 2013
November 26
Since my last check-in, I was doing fairly well. I seemed to have my eating under control, and I've been working out with heavy weights, and seeing some decent results. Last Thursday though, I had a craving for chocolate, so I thought I would 'mindfully indulge' in some M&Ms and Mini Eggs (the small bags, not the big ones I usually buy). Bad idea. That lead to 'needing' cheezies and more mini eggs, then some M&Ms, and more cheezies. I had plans that night to go out with friends from work; that didn't happen. I went home and binged, with intentions of purging afterward. I fell asleep before I could throw up, and so woke up the next day feeling absolutely disgusting. I can't actually remember the last time I purged; I think it was some time in September. Maybe October? I don't know, it's been awhile for sure. I actually threw out the toothbrush that I would use for purging; I guess that's a step in the right direction. Since then, I've been bingeing quite a bit, and feeling fat. I know 'that time of the month' is coming soon, and I always seem to turn into a [c]raving mad woman for a good 10 days before hand, with an insatiable appetite for carbs, carbs, and more carbs. Whatever. It is what it is, I guess. I just want to be done with this. I have been buying healthy groceries, and preparing meals to take to school with me, so that's good. But at night is really the problem. Luc is staying with me full-time now too; thanks to some accusations regarding inappropriate touching of Luc's 3-year-old sister, he can't stay with his dad for an undisclosed amount of time. So that has been stressful. He eats so much, then I eat what he is eating; I'm frustrated with his behaviour most of the time, it's just not really a good situation. And things with Tony are fizzling; he won't come over to my house to hang out, and Luc doesn't like going to his house, so I basically have seen him twice over the last two weeks. I like him, but I'm just not so sure anymore. Anyway, that's about it for now; I can't really think of anything important to add at the moment.
Monday 25 November 2013
November 8
Check-in time again, should have done this sooner than later, but things have been pretty hectic lately. Between midterms, and school, and work, and Luc, and Tony, and exercise, and eating, and, and, and the list goes on. It's stressing me out. Like seriously. I need to be more organized. I need to be more in control. I need...some time to myself once in awhile!
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the fight Tony and I had back in September. During the week of my birthday, when I was feeling incredibly depressed about everything, he went from being quietly supportive to outright critical, and that was upsetting. The Sunday after my birthday, we had plans to go for dinner with my family in Okotoks. Tony and I had made tentative plans for during the day, but I ended up staying in bed until about 3pm. Not necessarily sleeping, just hanging out there, avoiding things. Tony thought I was going to come over to his house, and I was feeling frustrated about how there are so many people that ask/expect me to come to them, but don't reciprocate. I was feeling particularly sad about this when only two of my friends came out for my birthday, because I wanted to do a 5k walk for peace, instead of going out to the bar. That same weekend, I had about four different invites from people to go to their events, which I had said I would go to but then cancelled. Now, I suppose I can't complain about people not coming to my things if I don't go to theirs, but it seems like I am always the one doing the work- coming to their house, going to their events, Tony always wanting me at his house and never coming to mine, feeling like I exist to be Luc's personal servant, haircut clients asking me to come to them in my 'free time' for their convenience. I guess I just kind of snapped.
Anyway, so back to the Sunday dinner; Tony was mad at me for not coming over, and I was mad at him (and a lot of other people) for always expecting me to come to him. Why can't he come to my house once in awhile? Does he realize what a pain in the ass it is to live at two houses and haul my stuff all over the place? I am so ready to move in with him, but I am concerned for Luc. I don't think Luc is ready to move in with Tony (and I realize that it's my decision, not his, but the kid is seriously affected by his dad and step-mom's split, that I don't want to move him again just in case things don't work out. We fought the whole way out to Okotoks- he was basically telling me to grow up and quit being depressed, "just find a different way to deal with it" and I was mad at him for thinking this way. I even got thinking "Fine, I'll show you a different way of dealing with this, I'll just go home and take a bunch of pills, and wash it down with alcohol, and maybe even cut myself so that hopefully I'll die". Yeah, cuz that's a good idea. Not the first time I've had that idea (honestly, it's gone through my mind thousands of times since I was 15), but I'm ready for it to be the last time it goes through my mind. Because really, how is that helping? Who is that helping? Me? Maybe, not really. What about Luc, who would lose his mom? What about my parents, who would lose their other daughter barely a year later? Would that show Tony I was 'dealing with my issues another way'? No, not really. And what if I didn't die? Then I would have to explain myself to everyone, and I don't really want to have to do that. So needless to say, I didn't go home and take a bottle of pills, wash it down with some booze, or cut myself. I just went home with Tony, and have been thinking about the fight ever since.
So, as mad as I was at him for daring to suggest that my problems are all in my head, I started thinking about what if they are just all in my head? What if all this "knowing" that I am depressed, have an eating disorder, get more depressed every September, can't function properly, etc. is actually fueling why I 'am' these things? This isn't a new way of thinking, it's just simple cognitive behavioural therapy in action. Change the way you think, then change the way you are. It makes me think about when I read the first chapter of The Secret, I thought it was THE most cheesy thing ever; you can't just wish your way into a hot body, an awesome job, a sexy husband, and tons of money. Not happening. In the words of Britney, if you want a [insert desired outcome here], you gotta work, bitch! But what if my mindset is getting in my way? Yeah, I'm gonna have to work for the things I want, but the more I expect myself to fail, the more I actually will. If I expect myself to get depressed in September, then I probably will. If I expect to always gain weight after a short period of losing it, then I probably will. If I expect that I can accomplish my goals, stick to my plans, be more organized, then maybe I will?
So how is changing my mindset really gonna help me? I have had expectations of myself to be awesome and perfect and fit and sexy for years, but I still haven't accomplished it. So how can I make things different? How can I stop getting in my own way and get my shit together again? I believe this is possible, and acknowledge that it will take some work on my end. So here are my intentions on how I will achieve what I want. Realistically.
1. Deciding what it is that I want. Contemporary goal setting uses the SMART paradigm- goals should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. It's easy to say I want to be ripped like a fitness model, it's a whole other thing to actually be ripped like a fitness model. I have done all kinds of (unsuccessful) things in pursuit of this goal. All the fitness models I follow say the same things; plan, be prepared, organize, eat clean, work out, sleep well. All these great things that everyone should do. And I like the idea of these things, I just have a terrible time following through on them. Or do I? If I am changing my mindset, then I need to know that I can follow through on things. It'll take some work and planning, but I believe I can do it. So as far as achieving my goal, I will have to break down each of the things I need to do into their own, easily accomplish able goals.
So for example, planning. How can I set a goal to follow through on planning? The irony that I have to plan out how I am going to plan for things- but hey, I think more of us have this problem than we admit. I think a specific goal I can make here would relate to my daily schedule. I can plan out the activities and responsibilities I have each day, and then write it down on a visual schedule. Something easily accessible, that I can carry with me. I use my phone a lot, but I feel like a calendar or day planner might be better. Yes, I will have to take fifteen minutes out of my day to organize my schedule, but I think that's doable. So how about we start small. Every day for one week, I will take 15 minutes in the evening to write out my schedule for the next day, including meal preparation for the day, a workout plan, and consolidating errands and appointments as much as possible. Make up a daily To-Do list, and then crossing those things off each day. That seems easy enough, I think.
2. Maintaining the motivation to follow through on things. I saw a quote recently that said "Motivation is kind of like bathing. It doesn't last, so it is recommended daily". Very true. I repeatedly get myself worked up and excited over 'new ways' of being awesome, that last for about a week. So, how can I motivate myself daily to stick to my goals? How do I resist the temptations to be lazy, to skip a workout or class, to procrastinate on things, etc. Maybe by checking in with myself each morning on what it is that I want. And then actually doing that, instead of just intending to.
3. Participating in regular yoga and/or meditation sessions for grounding and mindfulness. Specifically, I will attend a kundalini yoga class every Sunday from 11:30-1, and practice vinyasa- or hatha-based yoga 3 times each week, whether at home or after work. And I will do this for one week, and then check in again. Realistically, I need to prioritize myself in all the craziness that I call life. Being a stress-case stressing over how little time I have and how much I have to do isn't helping. Taking time out each day (or four days a week) to be in the present moment might just be what I need to do. Again, it might be difficult for me to follow through on this, but as per the above, I will have to make time and prioritize myself.
4. Learn to say no once in awhile. "No, I can't cut your hair before noon, because I would like to do yoga or workout". "No, I can't come to your house, because I always go there. Why don't you come to my house?". "No, I can't work tonight because I need to focus on Luc". Saying no is hard, especially as a people-pleaser. The last thing I would want is to disappoint other people, so for years I have put myself (and Luc) second to cater to the needs/wants of others. But rather than just saying no to people, I will ask them to compromise and work with me. As far as hair appointments go, I have already started offering two or three 'hair days' where clients come to me, instead of me driving all over the city, sometimes multiple times per week. And so far, it seems like my clients are receptive to this. As far as work goes, I know that Luc needs help with school, so I won't work more than three times per week. This is fair, I think. I have learned over the years that I don't like it when people cross my boundaries, but they never know they have crossed them, because I give in all the time. I don't even know what my boundaries are until someone crosses something and upsets me.
That's all I have time for today, besides, this is enough stuff to work on for now. Check in with ya later!
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the fight Tony and I had back in September. During the week of my birthday, when I was feeling incredibly depressed about everything, he went from being quietly supportive to outright critical, and that was upsetting. The Sunday after my birthday, we had plans to go for dinner with my family in Okotoks. Tony and I had made tentative plans for during the day, but I ended up staying in bed until about 3pm. Not necessarily sleeping, just hanging out there, avoiding things. Tony thought I was going to come over to his house, and I was feeling frustrated about how there are so many people that ask/expect me to come to them, but don't reciprocate. I was feeling particularly sad about this when only two of my friends came out for my birthday, because I wanted to do a 5k walk for peace, instead of going out to the bar. That same weekend, I had about four different invites from people to go to their events, which I had said I would go to but then cancelled. Now, I suppose I can't complain about people not coming to my things if I don't go to theirs, but it seems like I am always the one doing the work- coming to their house, going to their events, Tony always wanting me at his house and never coming to mine, feeling like I exist to be Luc's personal servant, haircut clients asking me to come to them in my 'free time' for their convenience. I guess I just kind of snapped.
Anyway, so back to the Sunday dinner; Tony was mad at me for not coming over, and I was mad at him (and a lot of other people) for always expecting me to come to him. Why can't he come to my house once in awhile? Does he realize what a pain in the ass it is to live at two houses and haul my stuff all over the place? I am so ready to move in with him, but I am concerned for Luc. I don't think Luc is ready to move in with Tony (and I realize that it's my decision, not his, but the kid is seriously affected by his dad and step-mom's split, that I don't want to move him again just in case things don't work out. We fought the whole way out to Okotoks- he was basically telling me to grow up and quit being depressed, "just find a different way to deal with it" and I was mad at him for thinking this way. I even got thinking "Fine, I'll show you a different way of dealing with this, I'll just go home and take a bunch of pills, and wash it down with alcohol, and maybe even cut myself so that hopefully I'll die". Yeah, cuz that's a good idea. Not the first time I've had that idea (honestly, it's gone through my mind thousands of times since I was 15), but I'm ready for it to be the last time it goes through my mind. Because really, how is that helping? Who is that helping? Me? Maybe, not really. What about Luc, who would lose his mom? What about my parents, who would lose their other daughter barely a year later? Would that show Tony I was 'dealing with my issues another way'? No, not really. And what if I didn't die? Then I would have to explain myself to everyone, and I don't really want to have to do that. So needless to say, I didn't go home and take a bottle of pills, wash it down with some booze, or cut myself. I just went home with Tony, and have been thinking about the fight ever since.
So, as mad as I was at him for daring to suggest that my problems are all in my head, I started thinking about what if they are just all in my head? What if all this "knowing" that I am depressed, have an eating disorder, get more depressed every September, can't function properly, etc. is actually fueling why I 'am' these things? This isn't a new way of thinking, it's just simple cognitive behavioural therapy in action. Change the way you think, then change the way you are. It makes me think about when I read the first chapter of The Secret, I thought it was THE most cheesy thing ever; you can't just wish your way into a hot body, an awesome job, a sexy husband, and tons of money. Not happening. In the words of Britney, if you want a [insert desired outcome here], you gotta work, bitch! But what if my mindset is getting in my way? Yeah, I'm gonna have to work for the things I want, but the more I expect myself to fail, the more I actually will. If I expect myself to get depressed in September, then I probably will. If I expect to always gain weight after a short period of losing it, then I probably will. If I expect that I can accomplish my goals, stick to my plans, be more organized, then maybe I will?
So how is changing my mindset really gonna help me? I have had expectations of myself to be awesome and perfect and fit and sexy for years, but I still haven't accomplished it. So how can I make things different? How can I stop getting in my own way and get my shit together again? I believe this is possible, and acknowledge that it will take some work on my end. So here are my intentions on how I will achieve what I want. Realistically.
1. Deciding what it is that I want. Contemporary goal setting uses the SMART paradigm- goals should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. It's easy to say I want to be ripped like a fitness model, it's a whole other thing to actually be ripped like a fitness model. I have done all kinds of (unsuccessful) things in pursuit of this goal. All the fitness models I follow say the same things; plan, be prepared, organize, eat clean, work out, sleep well. All these great things that everyone should do. And I like the idea of these things, I just have a terrible time following through on them. Or do I? If I am changing my mindset, then I need to know that I can follow through on things. It'll take some work and planning, but I believe I can do it. So as far as achieving my goal, I will have to break down each of the things I need to do into their own, easily accomplish able goals.
So for example, planning. How can I set a goal to follow through on planning? The irony that I have to plan out how I am going to plan for things- but hey, I think more of us have this problem than we admit. I think a specific goal I can make here would relate to my daily schedule. I can plan out the activities and responsibilities I have each day, and then write it down on a visual schedule. Something easily accessible, that I can carry with me. I use my phone a lot, but I feel like a calendar or day planner might be better. Yes, I will have to take fifteen minutes out of my day to organize my schedule, but I think that's doable. So how about we start small. Every day for one week, I will take 15 minutes in the evening to write out my schedule for the next day, including meal preparation for the day, a workout plan, and consolidating errands and appointments as much as possible. Make up a daily To-Do list, and then crossing those things off each day. That seems easy enough, I think.
2. Maintaining the motivation to follow through on things. I saw a quote recently that said "Motivation is kind of like bathing. It doesn't last, so it is recommended daily". Very true. I repeatedly get myself worked up and excited over 'new ways' of being awesome, that last for about a week. So, how can I motivate myself daily to stick to my goals? How do I resist the temptations to be lazy, to skip a workout or class, to procrastinate on things, etc. Maybe by checking in with myself each morning on what it is that I want. And then actually doing that, instead of just intending to.
3. Participating in regular yoga and/or meditation sessions for grounding and mindfulness. Specifically, I will attend a kundalini yoga class every Sunday from 11:30-1, and practice vinyasa- or hatha-based yoga 3 times each week, whether at home or after work. And I will do this for one week, and then check in again. Realistically, I need to prioritize myself in all the craziness that I call life. Being a stress-case stressing over how little time I have and how much I have to do isn't helping. Taking time out each day (or four days a week) to be in the present moment might just be what I need to do. Again, it might be difficult for me to follow through on this, but as per the above, I will have to make time and prioritize myself.
4. Learn to say no once in awhile. "No, I can't cut your hair before noon, because I would like to do yoga or workout". "No, I can't come to your house, because I always go there. Why don't you come to my house?". "No, I can't work tonight because I need to focus on Luc". Saying no is hard, especially as a people-pleaser. The last thing I would want is to disappoint other people, so for years I have put myself (and Luc) second to cater to the needs/wants of others. But rather than just saying no to people, I will ask them to compromise and work with me. As far as hair appointments go, I have already started offering two or three 'hair days' where clients come to me, instead of me driving all over the city, sometimes multiple times per week. And so far, it seems like my clients are receptive to this. As far as work goes, I know that Luc needs help with school, so I won't work more than three times per week. This is fair, I think. I have learned over the years that I don't like it when people cross my boundaries, but they never know they have crossed them, because I give in all the time. I don't even know what my boundaries are until someone crosses something and upsets me.
That's all I have time for today, besides, this is enough stuff to work on for now. Check in with ya later!
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