Might have to do this update in two sections, have to run out to pick up Luc from school pretty soon. Since my check-in last week, I think things have gone pretty well. I didn't end up going to my out-patient groups, I'm kinda thinking I'm done with Alberta Health Services, and might as well use the time I have right now to work on more future planning. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how being a professional student, while having it's advantages, maybe isn't the ideal path to follow for a 30-year-old broke-ass single mom (yes, I know, many of you have probably been thinking this for years, but apparently I needed a bit more life experience before I realized it too). I know that I keep changing my mind every few years about what I really want to do with my life, and that every spring for the last four years I've gone through a should-be life transforming series of investments and ideas and education that seem to be derailed every August or September. Honestly, I think it could be cyclothymic disorder (sort of like bi-polar 'lite'), but when I mentioned it to a psychiatrist, he suggested that since I didn't have the characteristic lack of sleep associated with manic phases, then it is probably just 'regular' depression. Or maybe a serious case of seasonal affective disorder. I mean, seriously - every year for the last three years I've 'discovered' what it is that I'm passionate about (they are all kind of similar, with some variation every year - working from home, choosing my own schedule, counselling, nutrition, health, wellness, etc.) but every fall seem to slip back into the depression and concurrent bulimia. So I need to keep this in mind when I am looking into programs, career options, funding, etc. But so far, I have looked into getting into the M.Sc. in Counselling Psychology (yes, the program I was waitlisted for and then accepted into but declined because I impulsively decided to take Kinesiology), and might also see about attending evening courses with the Canadian School of Natural Nutrition, where I could get a diploma for the Registered Holistic Nutritionist program. Definitely something I'm interested in doing, as then it would be a good lead for getting a job while doing the Masters. Not quite sure how to pay for it, and I'm not sure if it would be similar to the Health Coach program I will be graduating from right away here (through the Institute for Integrative Nutrition). Funny that I can graduate from a program without really doing the work for it though - I know for sure that online courses are not a good idea for me. I just have to pass the last test, and then I will be a certified health coach. If the programs are the same, then I won't worry about the CSNN program, and instead just actually do the modules from IIN. They provide a lot of info on running a home-based business based on health and wellness counselling/coaching, so it's basically what I want to do. I won't be able to call myself a nutritionist or dietician though, but will have access to a large array of dietary theories and modules on holistic health, so pretty close, but just without the fancier designations of RHT and MSc, but those could come later. At least this would be a start to getting some money in the bank. I'm not quite sure what to do about KNES though. Should I finish the degree before applying to grad school, or just take the few courses I'm interested in (Anatomy and Physiology, and Nutrition) and apply for counselling psych admission for Fall 2014? Decisions, decisions....still no job yet, but I did send out a couple of resumes.
Anyway, career and life goals aren't really the purpose of this blog, so I'll get into the food stuff over the last week. I had decided a couple weeks ago that I was going to do a liver detox, to clear out all the toxic build-up that I'm quite sure has resulted from all the bingeing, medication, and diet pills over the last few years. I looked up some stuff online, and found a one-day detox with a seven-day lead up, and three-day follow up. The 'prequel' consisted of loading up on leafy greens, cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower), liver-lovers like celery and asparagus, and other things like spirulina, olive and flaxseed oils, and so on. So I added lots of these things to everything I ate over the last week, with the exception of Saturday. I did well in the morning, but then we went to my godmother's 25th anniversary party, and then ate some cake, had a couple drinks, then went out for dinner with friends where I ate mostly according to the cleanse, except I think the dough on my pizza was not multigrain (like I ordered!), and so would be heavy on gluten. But, I didn't freak out about it, and actually didn't even realize it until the next day. We went to a movie, and I just had diet Coke (no popcorn or M&Ms), but had some microwave popcorn, cheese and chocolates at home. On Sunday, though, I was quite nauseous, probably from putting all the 'detox detractors' into my body - sugar, alcohol, caffeine, gluten, so ate fairly minimally on Sunday. Monday was detox day. I boiled up the Miracle Juice (Cranberry, orange and lemon juice, spiced with nutmeg, ginger, and cinammon) while drinking the flaxseed-water colon-cleansing pre-drink. Alternated between the Miracle Juice and water throughout the day, as per the cleansing protocol.
I should know better that anytime I try to go for an extended period without eating (like 5 hours usually) then all I can think about is food. Going the whole day without eating made me want to eat so badly, that I started nibbling on things throughout the evening. I don't know if it wrecked my detox, but probably was better to graze on things, rather than eating nothing at all. Or to binge like crazy, which was becoming very tempting as the night went on. I even woke up in the middle of the night to start planning my binge for today, but woke up this morning and decided not to. I can't afford it, and I would be really disappointed in myself for slipping. And so would anyone reading this. So instead, I finished up the last of my juice with flaxseed (I was supposed to drink that last night, but oh well), and ate some probiotic yogurt with blueberries and chia seeds. I went home after that to take a nice detox bath with lavender-scented epsom salts and a "toxic cleanse" bath bomb I picked up at the Body, Spirit and Soul Expo on Friday night. Decided to make it a 'me' day, which I figure I should take advantage of while I can. Called a friend for support on my way home this morning; by the time I was in the car I wasn't so interested in bingeing, but figured it would be a good idea. So far the day has gone well, gonna go make dinner for Luc and me, then it's off to swimming lessons for Luc and jogging for me!
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
April 3
Wow, April already! Time is going by really quickly. I am registered to start the outpatient groups this week, although I didn't go yesterday, and I'm not so sure if I feel like going today. I am getting more and more frustrated with the program (and Alberta Health Services in general), and am thinking about exploring holistic and natural solutions for my issues. More on that later.
Since the last time I checked in, I went for another job interview (didn't get that one either), and spent time with family and friends over the weekend. I have been working hard to keep E.D. at bay, but I can't help but think it is just transforming into something different. I binged on Wednesday night, Friday night and Saturday afternoon, but no purging. I didn't even work out on Friday or Saturday, and I think I am okay with that. I ran out of my medication some time last week, and kept forgetting to refill it. But now I'm not so sure I will. Research into naturopathic healing suggests that there are plenty of natural anti-depressants out there, and avoiding processed, sugar-laden foods will help to alleviate the depression. Since I started taking Prozac in September of 2011, I have gone from 10mg a day to 60 (the evidence-supported dosage for bulimia) and really have not found it to be all that effective. Yes, there were some benefits, but it was definitely not to the extent I was hoping for, so why pollute my body with chemicals when I can improve serotonin production in my brain naturally?
Which leads me into the potential dilemma I am in right now. Over the last month, I have been doing all kinds of research into raw food, vegan, and vegetarian diets. Which is not a new interest; I did start looking into this stuff last summer before all the craziness went down in September. Anyway, I like the idea of being vegan, although it requires a lot of prep work, and might be difficult to sustain among my Standard American Diet-following family and friends. But, the health benefits are obvious, so why not put in the extra effort to be healthy? I know that following a Western way of eating will give me a body that lacks vitality, is hormonally-imbalanced, riddled with fat, cellulite and acne, and is largely ill-nourished, so why follow that way of eating when it makes me unhappy? This makes sense to me, but I have to wonder whose intentions are behind this? I don't think that I want to eat this way to lose weight- to be honest, right now I don't care about that; I know that my body will adjust accordingly to being well-nourished. Also, I am becoming more and more okay with the way my body is these days- but is that from a change in my way of thinking or is it because I have lost almost 30 pounds since this time last year? I can't really say.
I know that generally vegans are thin, and that some ED sufferers are vegan, but not all vegans are ED sufferers. I know that it boils down to the intention behind the particular way of eating. If I chose to be a vegan so that I would lose weight and have a reason to eliminate a great deal of food from my diet, then that would be ED intentions. But if I choose to add in leafy greens, legumes, nuts and seeds without completely banishing other foods from my diet, then that is okay, right? This is essentially the philosophy of the nutrition program that I am about to finish up with (although a nutrition expert with an eating disorder is kind of like the delusional schizophrenic leading the blind). The program says to 'crowd out' less healthy food by adding in more healthy food. 90:10, good food to bad. And if cravings come up, then explore what is going on there. The founder of the school spoke about his experience following a macrobiotic diet but bingeing on ice cream indicated to him that his diet wasn't working, and to ease up on the rules. Makes a lot of sense. There are modules specific to eating disorders in the program, that I will have to re-watch for more info.
So, I think I will have to tread carefully with my eating. Eat well most of the time, but it's okay to eat poorly on occasion.
I got through Easter pretty well; I did eat quite a bit of candy while I was hiding eggs for Luc. Lots of booze on Friday lead to a chocolate-pizza-brownie binge that night. I think the cravings were from the alcohol plus drop in serotonin, but I ate a lot more than I felt I should have. No purging, but a lot of guilt after. Especially because I kept thinking about how I was feeling throughout the binge- every bite was like a small injection of heroin for me. So good, but so terribly bad. I don't know if Tony
was aware of this, but I felt bad for bingeing in front of him. I don't know if he was judging me for it, but I know that the ED could be the killer of our relationship. I can't remember if I posted it or not, but we had a good, long talk about why I need to get better.
On Monday I had a family therapy session with my parents. My poor Mum is probably irreparably traumatized from it, although that was not the intention. I don't know why she feels she is to blame for Amy's and my mental health, I keep telling her it's more than genetics, it's more than bullying, it's more than parental or environmental influence, but she is having difficulty with that. I'm not sure if we'll go back for any more counselling sessions, and out of respect for my parents, I won't comment on it here.
Since the last time I checked in, I went for another job interview (didn't get that one either), and spent time with family and friends over the weekend. I have been working hard to keep E.D. at bay, but I can't help but think it is just transforming into something different. I binged on Wednesday night, Friday night and Saturday afternoon, but no purging. I didn't even work out on Friday or Saturday, and I think I am okay with that. I ran out of my medication some time last week, and kept forgetting to refill it. But now I'm not so sure I will. Research into naturopathic healing suggests that there are plenty of natural anti-depressants out there, and avoiding processed, sugar-laden foods will help to alleviate the depression. Since I started taking Prozac in September of 2011, I have gone from 10mg a day to 60 (the evidence-supported dosage for bulimia) and really have not found it to be all that effective. Yes, there were some benefits, but it was definitely not to the extent I was hoping for, so why pollute my body with chemicals when I can improve serotonin production in my brain naturally?
Which leads me into the potential dilemma I am in right now. Over the last month, I have been doing all kinds of research into raw food, vegan, and vegetarian diets. Which is not a new interest; I did start looking into this stuff last summer before all the craziness went down in September. Anyway, I like the idea of being vegan, although it requires a lot of prep work, and might be difficult to sustain among my Standard American Diet-following family and friends. But, the health benefits are obvious, so why not put in the extra effort to be healthy? I know that following a Western way of eating will give me a body that lacks vitality, is hormonally-imbalanced, riddled with fat, cellulite and acne, and is largely ill-nourished, so why follow that way of eating when it makes me unhappy? This makes sense to me, but I have to wonder whose intentions are behind this? I don't think that I want to eat this way to lose weight- to be honest, right now I don't care about that; I know that my body will adjust accordingly to being well-nourished. Also, I am becoming more and more okay with the way my body is these days- but is that from a change in my way of thinking or is it because I have lost almost 30 pounds since this time last year? I can't really say.
I know that generally vegans are thin, and that some ED sufferers are vegan, but not all vegans are ED sufferers. I know that it boils down to the intention behind the particular way of eating. If I chose to be a vegan so that I would lose weight and have a reason to eliminate a great deal of food from my diet, then that would be ED intentions. But if I choose to add in leafy greens, legumes, nuts and seeds without completely banishing other foods from my diet, then that is okay, right? This is essentially the philosophy of the nutrition program that I am about to finish up with (although a nutrition expert with an eating disorder is kind of like the delusional schizophrenic leading the blind). The program says to 'crowd out' less healthy food by adding in more healthy food. 90:10, good food to bad. And if cravings come up, then explore what is going on there. The founder of the school spoke about his experience following a macrobiotic diet but bingeing on ice cream indicated to him that his diet wasn't working, and to ease up on the rules. Makes a lot of sense. There are modules specific to eating disorders in the program, that I will have to re-watch for more info.
So, I think I will have to tread carefully with my eating. Eat well most of the time, but it's okay to eat poorly on occasion.
I got through Easter pretty well; I did eat quite a bit of candy while I was hiding eggs for Luc. Lots of booze on Friday lead to a chocolate-pizza-brownie binge that night. I think the cravings were from the alcohol plus drop in serotonin, but I ate a lot more than I felt I should have. No purging, but a lot of guilt after. Especially because I kept thinking about how I was feeling throughout the binge- every bite was like a small injection of heroin for me. So good, but so terribly bad. I don't know if Tony
was aware of this, but I felt bad for bingeing in front of him. I don't know if he was judging me for it, but I know that the ED could be the killer of our relationship. I can't remember if I posted it or not, but we had a good, long talk about why I need to get better.
On Monday I had a family therapy session with my parents. My poor Mum is probably irreparably traumatized from it, although that was not the intention. I don't know why she feels she is to blame for Amy's and my mental health, I keep telling her it's more than genetics, it's more than bullying, it's more than parental or environmental influence, but she is having difficulty with that. I'm not sure if we'll go back for any more counselling sessions, and out of respect for my parents, I won't comment on it here.
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